I just want to be
significant.
In a month or two, to you,
relevant.
In three months would you be
hesitant?
Four months since the first message
ever sent.
Five months isn't much but still
I've went
Onto a six month journey I'm so
hellbent.
Seven months your seven wonders ever elegant.
Eight months I've ate the words I wish I never meant.
Nine months naive that I thought you were heavensent
and onto ten I've given up like an early Lent.
Eleven maybe easier
when the dent
in my heart is healing but I hoped
in a year I'd be more significant.

It felt like I wore an armoured vest.
I was guarded from my sins
even if I didn't believe in sin.
The mind's power knows no bounds
in it's ability to forget
and it's hope to be forgiven.
It justified every action,
every tasteless thought
and every lustful litany
of divine misdemeanor.

I felt invincible, then I met you,
and I learned you could hurt me.
Your defiance did pierce me,
a flame headed arrow
through my chain mail chest.
My love just mere cloth
that you slashed quickly through.

The stronger the pain
came the greater intrigue.
Why were you so rageful
and in protest of my admiration?
You may have hurt me,
but you are more broken than me.
Perhaps you were just what I needed.
A selfless deed as a soul to be saved.
Someone to be cared for
as I've ignored many before.
Someone to love with no love back,
someone to give joy while I cry.
If you ride off into the sunset
while I still lay wounded,
you will have left me moral gold
to forge my armour back.

I'm six feet under again
Without a hint of oxygen
A sad song serenades you as I swell up
Into a near death scare
That wakes me up--another nightmare
Another night where I'm lost
And my thoughts are crossed
Between logical and feasible
As I stretch the truth as far as you'll believe it
Because I think that you'll believe me
Believe that I'll be better this time
Baby I swear this time is my last time
Because if I fail again then i'm just like my nightmares
That reign over me and keep me from breathing
As they drown me six feet under
Six feet for every sense that I committed to you
And I admitted to you
That I'm not perfect and I don't wanna swim tonight
So go ahead and and drown me
Six feet under.

I fall down
I get back up

My body breaks
I repair

I fill with toxins
I wash them away

I bleed green paper
I earn it back

I lose friends
I find some again

I come with a lifetime warranty
Broken heart not included

Today was a bad day
Maybe one of my worst
And the cause should be insignificant
In the grand scheme of my life
I know I've been better before
I'll be better later
But right now it hurts
Because today was a bad day
and I don't know when I'll be better

I think I see your face in the stars
A little butterfly flutters within me
I try to draw you; tonight's my canvas
I'm nearly finished when I stop near your lips
and I notice something impure
What I thought to be a star looks merely a satellite
As I've been mistaken I ponder
What did I see?
Was it really even you?
Why did I think that I saw you?
Why did I want to see you?
Why did I ever want to see you?
What did I see?

In the last night I lie awake
I won't question my life’s wake
I'll leave my heart's garden a few less weeds to rake.
I'll try to plant a few flowers,
Replace ones that died in my dark hours,
Sprinkle some seed and grow a few trees
Amidst the fresh wet grass dancing in early April’s breeze.

I hope the scene is serene providing shade from the sun
For my son.
I told that man he could have the world
He may not be in this world but I feel like he’ll be my world

Lately in my world I’ve been a bit otherworldly
On the moon pondering, are these thoughts just coming too early?
What if I have so many years still in me to live,
Filled with so much good will still left in me to give?

My prodigal son could come to fruition
Or a daughter, too smart, scholarships to axe the tuition
Someone a vivid image of all I wanted to be
A recurring dream of what my younger self said I would be.
It feels like I blacked out for several years without shame
I parted ways with so many people I couldn’t list names
And raised by certain people that I’d place claims
Of abandonment treating my childhood like a game
Or a waged war between battling armies
I swear to god my offspring would never feel this raceless apartheid
That it felt like sometimes, nothing seemed to be worse
Than growing up stuck wondering if your gifts are a curse.

I wish someday I either guide myself or my child
Into the warm light brought upon by hope and a smile
Cast upon them by my potential and graceful reconcile...

I’m one with my actions; past, present and future
Knowing regret is simply just a useless venture
So all I can do is be good for now and teach to be better later
While I try to shun the demons of my past that cater



What I insisted I would be—its never in doubt.
Either make a difference myself or bestow it on someone else
So they could end my journey if I fail,
Conduct my train of thoughts, turn them to actions that I derailed.

I’m stuck in accepted limbo unsure of what I can accomplish
Leo DiCaprio incepted spinning a thimble in anguish
To see if someday I’ll dive through a clouded finish line
Million feet up with my thoughts of how it worked out in due time


If I see or create the beautiful soul that I wanted to be
If I’ve given all I can to someone else to be a better me
There’s nothing left for me to give, nothing more you can take
In the last night I lie awake.