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bc Feb 2016
What do you do when it feels like everything that you knew, everything that you were used to tumbled down?  
What do you do when you want to reach out but your arms refuse to allow you to?
How do you react when you can feel your heart break underneath your chest and no matter how hard you try you can't stop it?
Last words.
What were my last words to you the day that you left? What did my mind decide to allow you to hear from me your last time? It's funny because you hear so many stories about situations like this happening to other schools, to other kids and you never expect it to happen to somebody that you know and then it does and suddenly you can't breathe. How do I breathe again without you here? I'll miss you forever and that scares me because I don't like the feeling of drowning but I suppose I'll have to become accustomed to it now.
*(b.c.)
This is dedicated to a good friend of mine. I will always miss you and I love you forever.  RIP to a beautiful soul.
bc Sep 2014
Whenever we text, I have decided to stop typing the phrase "I love you" because it hurts too much when you don't send it back.

*(b.c)
bc Jul 2016
Anxiety is a noose around my heart, duct tape on my lips. It's tears down my cheeks. Anxiety is the best frenemy I've never had or wanted. Yet he is the only constant in my life.
Anxiety, panic, heart, sad, hurts
bc Aug 2014
Today my mother asked me if I was depressed. She proceeded to explain to me that she was worried because I never left my room and I just looked sad all the time. As she was explaining to me her reasoning, I thought about the way I've been feeling. How it felt as if everyday I was walking on quicksand. How it was getting harder and harder for me not to cry. How I would be constantly fighting an internal battle.
"Stay in bed, darling. Stay in bed."
"No I can't I have school today"
"Don't eat that. You're not worthy enough to eat"
"But I'm hungry I haven't eaten in 6 hours"
"Don't call your friends they don't care and they all hate you anyways"
"But I'm lonely"
I am constantly screaming at myself.
I am constantly fighting a battle that I feel hopeless in.
It's getting harder and harder to breathe everyday and it *****.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Pretending has become a habit of mine.
I don't enjoy lying to myself and others.
Every once in a while I tend to break into my parents liquor drawer because I like the feeling I get when I sip *****.
It makes me feel light and airy, and for just a couple of hours, it makes me forget how much I hate myself.
I don't feel time passing by anymore.
I don't know the difference between night and day because everything is just a big blur.
I've lost all feelings and emotions except sadness.
"Are you depressed?" My mother asks me.
"No."

*(b.c.)
bc Aug 2014
IT'S ALRIGHT, I UNDERSTAND. WHO WOULD CHOOSE A SIMPLE STAR WHEN THEY COULD OWN THE SUN? WHO WOULD CHOOSE A SINGLE LETTER WHEN YOU COULD OWN A NOVEL? WHO WOULD CHOOSE A GUST OF WIND IF YOU COULD OWN A TORNADO? I GET IT. I GET IT. I GET IT. I WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO EVERYTHING SHE IS.
bc Feb 2014
And some nights, I look outside and find your smile in the shimmering light of the moon
I find your big eyes in the stars
I can hear your voice in the sound of the wind
I look up at the sky, how its so vast and endless,
and I think about how its similar to our love
And I sit here and hope that you find me in the sky too

-b.c.
this one is kind of messy -b.c.
bc Jan 2014
Day 1;
I saw this boy standing in a dark corner
with a beer bottle in his hands
and a cigarette hanging loosely between his lips
his dull green eyes effortlessly searched the room
looking at all the sweaty bodies swaying next to each other
he was truly beautiful

Day 5;
I saw the boy again
with that same beer bottle in his hands
drinking and drinking the bittersweet poison
we locked eyes for the first time
and I could see all the pain
he kept bottled up
he was truly beautiful

Day 10;
I talked to that boy for the first time
he loosely held that beer bottle
as he told me stories
and for the first time ever
his eyes looked lively as he stared into my curious ones
he was truly beautiful

Day 40;*
today I saw that boy shed a tear
he whispered to me
about how everyone ruthlessly judged him
because he would always drink that bittersweet poison
my heart broke as I comforted him
even with red eyes and a tear-stained face
he was truly beautiful

Day 50;
I fell in love with that drunken boy
and I nervously shook
as I grabbed his hands
and looked him in the eyes
I softly said to him
the passionate love that I felt for him
he bitterly laughed
as he whispered,
"Me? Nobody can love me.
I'm just a drunken boy."
and I shook my head
and said to him,
"That's where you're wrong
I fell in love with you
and I don't plan on changing my mind.
You see, everyone only notices
how much you drink,
nobody can see your thirst.
I notice your thirst.
I notice your thirst for love and compassion.
I notice your thirst for how you want someone to care
and maybe, just maybe, I am the one drink that can quench your true thirst."


-b.c.
This was one of the first poems I have ever wrote. Enjoy(: ** b.c.
bc Mar 2015
I am so clueless and I'm crying so much and I'm trying to cry the memory of him out of me and it hurts. Each tear burns because it reminds me that he caused them. All I can imagine is him. All I can see is him. He has clouded every inch of my thoughts and I'm going ******* mad because all I can think about is his hands. Those hands can't touch me anymore. His lips can't kiss me he is no longer mine and I wanna scream. I held onto him so tightly and maybe it was too ******* tight because now he is gone and slipped right through my fingertips. I'm so mad because if I close my eyes hard enough I can imagine him telling me to my face that he doesn't love me anymore and it ****** me off because love isn't supposed to have a ******* expiration date. Love isn't something you can just drop. It can't be forgotten but maybe he can. I'm so upset. I am so ******* upset.
*(b.c)
bc Jan 2014
When I first met him, I warned him,
"I'm kind of a depressed mess. So if I don't accept your love right away, I'm sorry because right now I'm trying to figure out how to love myself before I can figure out how to love anyone else."
He looked at me, big brown eyes and all, and said, "Maybe I can help you."
In that moment, something inside of me changed
Ever since that day we started talking and talking and talking
The days I knew him turned in to weeks and the weeks then turned into months and soon years
But somewhere along this mess of love and trust,
It turned into tragedy and betrayal.
Basically what I'm saying is this ******* cheated on me. It's funny because all this time
I thought he was going to be the one to throw floaties at me while I was slowly sinking into this sea of sadness, It turns out he was the one tying anchors to my wrists causing me to sink more while slowly whispering to me empty promises.
Instead of preventing my scars he was the one causing them.
Instead of keeping me warm he's the one taking away my blanket
It ***** because all of the soft touches we shared and all of the secretive whispers we would tell each other within the late hours, he would share with someone else.
He would softly touch someone else
Love someone else.
All this time I saw him as sweet and caring
I found out it was just a facade he would put up around me.
On the outside he was beautiful on the inside he was rotting.
He was fake.  It was all fake.  
Now here I am crying with my head between my knees because I wanted so badly for him to be the one.
I want so badly for him to be the one, but he's not.
He never will be.
Maybe I'm the reason he decided to share our love with another or maybe I never had his love in the first place

-b.c.
Im not really confident about this one eh whatever. -b.c.
bc Jul 2014
I remember the first time I saw you.
You had this light gray shirt on and
your dark brown hair was styled to the side.
You wanna know a secret?
Gray looks exquisite on you.
You have these dark brown eyes and freckles that adorn your cheeks.
You know, I never even knew that I liked freckles until I met you.
I remember the first time I talked to you.
You're voice was the right kind of deep.
It wasn't too high or too deep. It was just perfect.
I remember the first time I hugged you.
Your long arms wrapped around my small figure,
and for those few seconds, everything felt complete.
I remember the first time you called me pretty.
For just a second, in that moment in time, I actually believed it.
idk kind of short and kind of suckish, I'll edit it later.
bc Feb 2014
Let me be your cigarette
I want you to hold me softly between your fingers
I want your smooth lips to work wonders upon my skin
I want you to breathe me in
I want to be the one to calm you when you're upset
I want to be the thing you live off of and feed off of
Let me be your cigarette, please
I want to feel needed because all my life I have been the second choice
Give me your love and affection
I want your adoration
I want your lips
I want the way your brown eyes light up when you smile
I want your little dimple that appears on the right side of your face when ever you smirk
I want the way you catch a football ever so gently between your hands
I want the way your laugh is so loud and contagious
I want the way that just your presence alone can make me feel amazing
I want you
I want all of you
Because I love you and you are everything to me
Even though I am nothing to you

-b.c.
It ***** loving someone who doesnt love you back.
bc Jan 2014
Theres something about the way the snow falls from the winter sky
Some days it will fall down peacefully, softly
And gently kiss the ground
Some days it falls down fast and hard
As if the sky was shooting bullets down to the ground
Dangerous, bold
Snow is this beautiful and unpredictable thing
Its powerful and bold and strong
Its gentle and peaceful and soft
Its magnificent, yet dangerous
Its similar to the way that you loved me
Some days it would be beautiful
You would gently caress my face turning it this way and that
Taking in everything that you claim to love
Your fingers would ever so lightly find their place between mine
Your eyes would softly look at me
soaking up every single part of me
The way I laugh
The way I smile
As if I was a novel that you would always read
Captivating
You would place feathery kisses upon my cheeks upon my lips
Your kisses were intoxicating and addicting
They where a cigarette that I always wanted to smoke
They were a bottle of ***** that I would always want to get drunk off of
Addicting and dangerous
Softly killing me
Little did I know, this softness would end
Soon your hands started to become weapons
Littering me with the colors of blue and black and purple
I learned that foundation came in 14 different colors
Pain was no longer a feeling to me but a lifestyle
You were this beautiful and tempting thing and I became addicted
But all addictions end up crashing and burning in the end
The way you loved me was similar to the way the snow would fall from the winter sky
It started off beautiful and gentle but it soon became deadly

-b.c.
bc Jan 2014
While everyone else was merely a star
She was the sun. Radiate, beautiful.
While everyone else was just a gust of wind
She was a tornado. Bold and brave.
While everyone else was just a simple letter
She was a novel. Mysterious, alluring.
While everyone else was a tiny snowflake.
She was a vast land of snow. Pure and breathtaking
She was the kind of beautiful that made you stop and stare
She was fascinating, a blinding vision of wonder and awe
-b.c.
bc Jan 2014
One
I hate myself.
Two
I'm scared to sleep at night because whenever I close my eyes it's as if the ruthless words of hatred and disgust that you throw at me relentlessly replay over and over in my head as if it was a broken record perched on the top of a dusty shelf that isn't within a reachable distance.
Three*
I don't know who I am anymore. I lost her somewhere within this sea of sadness I plunged myself into.
Four
Fat, Ugly, Worthless. Fat, Ugly, Worthless. Fat, Ugly, Worthless.* These are the words that taunt me everyday and latch onto me like a bloodthirsty leech that just found a new piece of flesh to feed off of.
Five
Whenever somebody tells me to be who I am and that they won't judge. I laugh. I laugh because being who I am is just a distant memory. I cant be who I am because I lost when I skipped my first meal. I lost who I was when I learned what it felt like to genuinely hate myself. I lost myself when I learned how to numb myself so that I feel nothing at all. Now here I am in present time, curled up in a ball of my own self pity, crying out all the feelings I wish I had.
Six
Somedays, I wish I could find the me that loves me, but I can't because the horrid words that you uttered to me stabbed her over and over again relentlessly and when you finally walked away, she stood there bleeding out all the love and trust she used to have.
Seven
I hate telling people how I really feel because they take it as a yearning for attention, not a cry for help. I hate telling people how I feel because they would treat me as if I was a problem and not a human.
Eight
I just wish that someone would paint on me as if I were a blank canvas and turn me into something magnificent because I am tired of continuously painting
myself in hopes that my tear-stained cheeks, lifeless eyes, and pain will turn me into the beautiful girl society expects me to be.
Nine
I just wish I was normal.

-b.c.
First poem I published on here, I hope you like it. -b.c.
bc Sep 2014
To the boy that sits next to me in English class.
I adore everything about you.
I adore the way you wish you were taller, even though I personally think you are the perfect height.
I adore your hands, how they are so large compared to mine.
You, my friend, are a true piece of art.
A beautiful creation of light skin, light brown hair, long eyelashes that adorn your beautiful blue eyes, and dark pink lips.
I would not mind sitting down and studying you for hours with my eyes and hands.
I would not mind experiencing the foreign feel of your skin underneath my fingertips.
I would not mind exploring every inch of your body.
I don't believe there is such a thing as perfection, but if somehow perfection did exist, you would be pretty **** close.
I want to discover what makes you smile.
I want to memorize your laugh and store it in my mind, so I can bring it out and listen to it on a bad day.
I want your hand prints to be imprinted on my body, the smell of your cologne on the shirt you like best on me.
I want to study you until I memorize the way that every hair falls, until I memorize your heart beat.
Give me the feeling of your arms wrapped around me.
This is my only desire.
You know, I hate you for making me think these thoughts and experience these emotions.
I hate you and I freaking adore you, but you will never adore me because of her.
And when I sit in my bed alone at night, wishing that I could experience the treasure that is you, you're sharing your laugh with her.
You're sharing your smile with her.
I bet she doesn't even admire the way that your laugh is so loud and melodic like I would.
I bet she doesn't appreciate the fact that you have grazed your fingertips upon her ever so gently.
I bet she doesn't admire your lips.
How they are this beautiful shade of dark pink.  
She probably doesn't cherish the moments that her head lays upon your chest as you embrace each other like I would.
She doesn't admire you like the beautiful work of art that you are.

*(b.c.)
Crushes ****.
bc Jul 2014
You will always end up hurt.
I do not care how strong physically and mentally you are,
there will always be tears shed and hearts broken.
Because you cannot do something so physically intimate and
expect it to not be mentally intimate.
That is like jumping off a cliff and hoping you don't fall.
You cannot make pretend love.
You cannot look at someone and see them as an object.
For they are not an object, they are human
Someone will fall, and they will fall hard.
They will spend their time praying that each kiss is real.
They will pray that its more than just physical.
They will pray that rough touches and loud moans are more than lust.
They will spend their time hoping and praying
that you will see them as more than a quick distraction,
but, darling, this is not a fairytale.
They will not fall for you all because you kissed them differently.
They will not see you in a different light.
For this started as physical and it will stay physical.

*(b.c)
No I have never been in this situation, but I know people who have
bc Apr 2015
One
If I could, I would wrap you up in a box and send you away along with all the feelings I once had for you. I would keep you away, put you in my attic so I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.
Two
*******. ******* for walking around, acting as if I meant something to you.
Three
How dare you? How dare you waste my time? I was good to you. I gave you my all, and yet you had the audacity to spit it back out and tell me you don't love me.
Four
You destructive creature. You destroy everything in your path. You monster. You never loved me. I was your accessory. I was your hype man. My only purpose was to make you look good.
Five
You are a phenomenal liar. You actually had me going when you said that you loved me. You are amazing at making something so fake seem so real.
Six
I have this box in my room. It's filled with all the laughs I shared with you, the I love you's, the late night conversations, the butterflies I felt the day you asked me out. Take it. Because they no longer belong to me.
Seven
You tell me that I've changed. That you miss the old me. What you don't understand is that I lost the old me so long ago that I don't even know who she is anymore. She is out there somewhere. She is wondering. She is lost. She has no home.
Eight
Why would you make me believe that you could be my home?
Nine
I hate you
Ten
but I miss you
Eleven
and I still love you
Twelve
Why don't you love me back?
Thirteen
What did I ever do for you to treat me like this? Take my memories because I don't want them anymore.
Fourteen*
If I could, I would cry the memory of you out of my system. I would pick myself up and take myself to the hospital, attach myself to the nearest IV and drug myself up until I forget about the way you kiss me, the way you hug me, until I forget you ever existed. You see, as I am writing this I'm curled up underneath my bed sheets with a white flag sewn to my heart because I have given up. I give up. I surrender. I have nothing left to give to you. You took it all away the day I fell for you. I landed face first. Debris flying everywhere, yet, you selfish monster, you made me pick everything up on my own. You never even attempted to catch me. You never even tried.
(b.c)

— The End —