Rain is refreshing in a strange, backward way. It shocks you out of a deep, prolific lapse of participation in reality and reminds you that you’re still here. You’re still corporeal, tangible, you can feel and you can decide. But rain is still rain. It can be cold and unpleasant to be faced with, or it can be warm and welcoming. Beconing you forth to splash and smile in the reality you forgot still applied to you.
    I left behind the idea of full, around the clock consciousness during my last frigid thunderstorm. I realized, during a session already dedicated to realizations, how exhausting it was trying to live my reality to its current extent. How frustrating and soul-crushing it is to have the ambition you truly believed in and planned to embark upon, forgone by the limits of a situation you have no control over. I kept a small jar of ideas and plans in the very back corner of my closet. They were safe, they couldn’t be taken out back and shot nor could they be taunted and destroyed from the inside out. When I was cornered in my intruded closet, when I was taken by the collar and shaken for my truth, they were found. Both above-mentioned circumstances played out shortly but in the opposite order. That’s when it began to rain.
    I decided on an alternative: selective awareness. I keep myself alive only feeling and participating when the rain is tepid and pleasant. When I feel the temperature beginning to drop, I fall back asleep, floating through lull and lash, until the sun comes to change the course of my simulation. For days, all I will see is fog. I’m lost and isolated, but that lack of direction comes with an onset of contentedness. There is no one who can see me wandering through a deluded course I have set for myself. I don’t know where I’m walking, I don’t know what’s in front of me, so the warm rain will give me a pleasant surprise as it melts away the fog and gives me hope for sustainable warmth.
    The cloudiness that lingers in my head, even when I’m experiencing kindness and sensitivity, reminds me that my effort to make my reality more livable is as viable as staying completely shrouded in fog until I wander off the edge of a cliff. Eventually, as I age out of my simulation, I’ll have skin thick enough to withstand the hailstorm I’ll be forced to reckon with. Resilience is necessary, but hope exists. I often forget it does while I’m wondering, but serenity and light remind me that fog isn’t all I’ve devolved into. Rain will come, and so will spring.

god is tugging at my sleeve. the weight added to the fabric adds an urgency to my steps. im sweating now, grappling with the burdensome presence of a creator. he whines and demands my attention. he cries when i cant pick him up off the ground. he asks for task after task of menial, worthless labor until i am face first on the dirt with exhaustion. my aura has grown squeamish with anticipation of his next tantrum.  i walk on hand sharpened eggshells i myself have placed as he ordered, i live in a fortress of solitude, shame, exasperation, and fear. i retract myself from enjoyment, fulfillment, and success at the empty promises he gives to entrap me further. since birth i have upheld this responsibility. babysat my guardians. protected them from their own mistakes. leaving feels like abandoning an infant to destroy itself from the inside out. living for myself invokes nausea and confusion. how can i function without approval from the hellbeast that gave me life only to use it for his own?  growth is the only freeing process by which i can loosen his grip on the fabric of my shirt. outgrow your creator, your fractorial parent, your burden you did not choose to undertake. slowly detach from his entrapment. slowly make your life worth living again.

Violence. It's said to be an act of destruction,
destroying things depending not on if they deserve to die,
But I, with my life in one eye,
And my conscience in the other I cannot see way another to create, for by
Viewing my life vicariously while viciously vying I'm lying more like biding my time until my untimely demise showing  how softly for an answer we cry
Lying to ourselves and reaching out to the rich in a restriction of our dignity, yes I
Am ashamed of my actions and an answer to my arrogance found have I not, yet by and by
My desire to die is drowned down by the deficit of desire in my heart, hearing not my heated hurting reverence, at the end of this sentence, nothing may seem awry.
However my senses are wearing closer to nothing,
My spine is not detecting, and find I not comforting
The gentle sweep of your hand on my skin, sin brewing within me, seeing and saving my heart from my eyes a time
Of trying, yes, I see it, a life that could've been mine,
Through fault of my own my thoughts fall towards home,
Barely living in a beginning of ending my own.



As time tells me nay, not my nights filled to the brink within me I say
Give me my gentle, my generous, my grieving over my great mistake, yet away
Are my kin, although heaven may not thee, the actions of they
Compared to those of my own, their intention grown not from the seed of dismay,
Yet dismay they convey.
My tears mimic fears from my earliest day
A shrew of hatred shoots through my eye as I sigh to my side in an intake, I cry, "just send me away".
I don't know how often my soul's shrieks are heard, through the night of my consciences cracked walls, my skin sits undeterred, yet anyway
I feel less than adequate, of course, worthless and wondering through my tinted eyes remorse, but try still I may.
The ravens black wing will not withdraw my patience or wither one's restlessness, for on another day
My brother live would be, my conscience clean would be, my wife not mine would be, as a vision of which of they
Survive me could, if pieces fit as they fall away in my chords of chaos dismembering my dismay.

my torso feels uninhabited. i don't know at what point at the beach it began, but it's here now, and here it will stay. i've been disgusted before. i've been loatheful, philanthropic, remorseful, tired, elated, and sad. it's now magnified ten fold, beyond my ability to comprehend what i'm feeling. my hands tremble for no reason, my skin burns and my lips are cracked and i taste iron and salt. the sores inside my mouth are of my own creation. i'm nothing but a faulty sore. docility is fraudulent within me. is it automatic? is it for my own good? is it instinctual? each second scrapes across my chest like sandpaper. i feel time taking its toll on me, feel it slowly siphon away any ounce of will i retained. im hollow, requesting any exertion is disappointing on both ends.

waves crash against my steady, planted body, and i wish they would dissolve the rotting features ive grown to despise as i despise time. to melt into the sea, to crash against the feet of the suffering and give them an alternative to standing as an emptied vessel.  to take my form and the cavern of discomfort that rests alongside it. im near hysterics, just pondering the corporeal presence of my being. let me float away, let the water nip away at my flesh until im nothing.

let my body be.