Three times in my life
Have I been suicidal
Three times in my life
Did I hate it
Did I want to leave

Three times in my life
And this is the one that's going to cost me
This one is going to cost me my life
This one is killing me

Three times in my life
Have I fallen deep
Two times, have I found hope
A light at the end of the tunnel
But all I found was a spare light
A lit sign that said exit

Three times has life offered me a way out
Three times I couldn't
Three times I should have done it
Three times I tried to stay alive
A million times I wish I had done it
A million times I wish I was gone

I found her
irresistibly adorable
she made me smile
like a child
at a carnival
biting into a cloud
of cotton candy

i.

in your love, boy,
a summertime of dream,
a kiss on the winter wind.

ii.

in your love, boy,
a sky of lotus,
a sea that never relents.

iii.

in your love, boy,
a jealous heartbeat  
sweetened by a kiss.

iv.

in your love, boy,
the wonders of the earth
the white mist of the hills.

v.

in your love, boy,
the honeyed kiss of the breeze.

My professor told me,”write every day”. How do I write every day when my body feels like it’s sinking. Two dark moons are pushing in on my skull, and I think it’s okay. My halo was lost long ago and sometimes I can feel the weight of where it used to be. I am a stranger to writing. It was who I was when I was broken, and then again when I was whole, but I’ve landed in purgatory where I am close to nothing. I have found myself without words in my throat, where rivers of thoughts used to occupy my mind. Now I see barren fields of nothingness, where plentiful poems used to grow. “Write every day” as if putting down words were easy, as if getting out of bed were any easier, as if loving myself enough to keep myself sane was something that seemed like it was possible. It’s not and it doesn’t. Writing means hope and hope means finding a way out, and that means feeling enough to hurt, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Hurting means I might be okay, so instead, I write only when I’m near breaking, just a little, and definitely not every day.