he is beautiful
oh, like the sun
dripping golden light,
& God what I would give
to have him make
the flowers in my mind
grow again

My eyes are closed
They have retired.
Into the world of sleep
But my tears, they do flow
Trickling nice and slow.
I just weep.

My thoughts run free
Inside my head ; a mess
My messages run deep
But my tears will not dry
I just simply cannot cry
I just weep.

Do you hear the love
in my voice
from the many ways
I say your name
sometimes clear and true
and others a breathless whisper
sometimes so softly I question
whether you hear me trembling
and others like caged excitement
I wonder how one name
can express so much
but all I want to do
is say your name
for forever and a day

©ShawnaRenea

I used to wonder if angels breathe,
In one two three,
Out one two three four.

I was taught by a therapist
That you breathe in
But you breathe out a little longer,
And I've always wondered
What that really did
Because it never really stopped the anxiety entirely
Like the way you tend to do.

And I know my skin is pale,
And my flesh is soft,
And every curve of my body
Would not be considered defined in the muscular sense
Save for the fact that I look so much smaller
Than others.

And I wonder if you'd still love me,
If you saw me emaciated at 110 lbs,
When I was in the hospital.
I could count my ribs,
Without holding my stomach in.

And at 120 lbs,
I wondered if you would have loved me
If I weighed any more,
And now at 125 lbs,
I realize it doesn't really matter,
You love me nonetheless.

And I struggle even still to eat,
Most days I feel sick from drinking too much water.

And I breathe in
One two three
And out
One two three four,
And I'm looking at the time,
And I'm looking at your texts,
And I wonder if you see me
As I see you?

And while I know you love me
As I love you,
I can't help but wonder
Do angels breathe too?

And I know I am strong
Because I have been far too brave,
For far too long.
And I know I am brave,
Because it was myself
I had to save.
And I know I possess the fury of a storm,
Because there was a blizzard
The winter I was born.
And I know I am loved,
Because his smile rivals
The warmth of light from above.

I've got running away running through my veins,
And I'd like nothing more
Than to stay.

And I remember
Days of packed bags
And the unknown,
And days of color
Or days of grey.
I remember every person,
Who never intended to stay.

If I breathe in the rain,
I can recall picking fights,
And my own wrong-doings,
But if I breathe out for too long,
It fades away like fog,
And I am left with the reasons I am strong.

And maybe today,
I remember the grey
And those who never intended
To stay.
But tomorrow is for color,
And all that I always wanted to do and say.

I've still got running away running through my veins,
But I've made the choice that I'm going to stay.

She
   People-watches
     Lipstick-blotches
       Kissing her coffee cup
   Daydream-drinker
     Over-thinker
       Brewing in her mind.
   Bold-with cream
     Cool-with steam
       Latte lifting up
   Always stirring
     Wond'ring, worry'ing
       Of love she left behind.
|b.g.|

Oxygen is precious
and I continue to waste it
contemplating life
and the decisions I make in it
but I can't decide if it's
sadness or anger I'm filled with
I clench my jaw constantly
and I cry in my sleep
don't know what I'm worth
every day I'm reminded I'm weak
decisions decisions, a lack of ambition
or rather the strength to acquire
what I desire and I know
life is truly a lustrous haze

My soul wants to dance
whilst my heart wants to fight
inflicting pain on others
only to lessen my strife
my mind is a complex maze of thought
thinking we were gifted with intelligence
but now I get it, it's a curse to see
understand, realise and go on knowingly
that life is hard and the world is not fair
well I realised it young
so I can admit that I'm scared
the people that comforted me,
stood by my side, seem unaware

I hope people see something in me
because I don't
I see pain filled eyes when I wash my face
I connect with a reflection
that has felt my pain
I doubt everyone else is different
we're all ashamed
the circumstances differ but
the pain is the same

You ask me why I'm reluctant to give you your shirt back.
I smile, "it's mine, I claim it!" I bury my face to hide reddening cheeks.
Truth be told, that shirt is evidence that you've been here before.
That shirt is proof that I found perfection.
Proof beyond doubt that I'm not dreaming.
So when you're gone, I'll smell you in the threads.
And in those threads there is hope.
Hope that my eternity has your name on!