The pale skin of a nosferatu
Dazzling sapphire eyes,
That glisten, but lie dry
Wholly unfettered by the delusions shattering about,
That scream what they've seen,
For the world to hear.

Melting into the sofa I wonder,
What could be so powerful,
That would capture all of my being,
Compressed and screaming into a condensed mass,
Encased in the bedrock of anxiety and depression.

i'm not all that great at opening up
with written words its not that
it's still closed, kept in the expression of art
but when it comes time to speak of the real feelings
i shiver and shudder at the thought of my sensitivity.

i'm not good at opening up
because telling someone you care makes you weak
its a strong thing to say, but an easy thing to exploit
and meaning it mean that you can be hurt
and i've never said something i didn't mean.

so i'm terrible at opening up
because this loving heart is powerful
and i'd hold you to me, listening and keeping you safe
i'd leave myself open, to make you feel comfortable
never seeing the knife sneaking to my heart

i'm awful at opening up
i'm selfish with this compassion
i'm unable to brave the pain
because if i wasn't
who's to help me when my heart is in pieces?

That morning, when I awoke, I had not a clue,
That the things you claimed you'd never do,
Were exactly what my day was leading too,
Though, as we shared that bed, my alarm was right on cue,
And as I got up, I noticed I smelled like you.

I told my best friend about that night,
That for once, holding someone was comforting, felt right,
Laying there, with you clinging to me so tight,
Was the first time intimacy didn't come with a shock of fright.

But, of course, the truth comes out,
Stunned, standing, the visage of a lout,
So lost in all that's come about.

That afternoon, when I got home, what was I to do?
So many thoughts, so many feelings to get through,
I turned on the shower, watching the dancing water spew,
And, just before the water touched me; deja vu,
I noticed that I smelled just like you.

This couldn't stand, and I scrub and washed till I felt alright,
Dirt, regret, and your scent wash away in the dim daylight
At last I didn't smell like that night,
And didn't reek of lack of foresight.

Now, I'm left with only an internal emotional bout,
Wondering if I can even shake this doubt,
To decide whether or not to keep you in, or out.

With each step I take,
I slip further into Earth,
A trench of regrets.

This place is my post,
My never ending routine,
A prison of thoughts.

Cresting waves of guilt,
An endless stream of questions,
A sea of troubles.

Towering mistrust,
Lost amidst my constant worries,
A forest of doubt.

No, I don't want to get a tattoo with you,
I may not have a mark on you, but I'm covered in you.
Our past has brought with it a dizzying myriad of hardships,
Some by my hand, some by yours,
The only difference is I've changed,
And you still lie.

No, I don't want to get a tattoo with you,
Why would I share something so meaningful,
When you keep so many secrets,
Omit my existence to others,
And lie to my face?

No, I don't want to get a tattoo with you,
Because the idea of looking at my body,
And having a permanent memory of our lives,
Is a sickeningly sweet lie I cannot face.

No, I don't want to get a tattoo with you,
It'd be fake, just like our relationship with one another,
A lie we should've gave up on sooner.

No. I don't want to get a tattoo with you.

i'm not going to be happy and fulfilled,
to make you feel better about what you did,
your twisted and malicious abuse of my feelings.

no i don't want to be your friend,
i don't want to pretend that it doesn't hurt,
that you looked me in the eyes,
and lied, over and over again.

it's absolutely ridiculous,
that you claim i'm the one that's ridiculous,
because i won't give you what you want,
i won't comfort your guilt,
for the abuse you put me through.