Jay M

Jay M Mar 2020

Feeling so **** low
Sometimes I just want to go
Grab the wine and drink
Quit taking time to think
For just this day
I want to say
"I'm not okay."

Call me a sinner
I'll go out for dinner
Cry silent tears
Admit a few fears
Whilst so close
Yet so far away

Yearning for things I cannot have
Spirit in a halve
Things'll get better
Thinking about writing another letter
Then putting it in my drawer
Making me yearn things more.

- Jay M
March 7th, 2020

Yep...and somehow I'm still sober. And still fighting for the one I´m missing...

#drinking #sober #yearning #other

Jay M Mar 2020

Care To Share?

Talking to a friend
Then suddenly the conversation came to an end
Hiding behind a backpack
So proposed is a back-track
We rise, leave the area
Leave behind unexpressed hysteria

Prompted as to why
So, admittedly trembling, I try
To tell the tale
That I try to leave stale
Alas, all is well
When I tell
About that day a year ago
Gesturing to places here and there, almost show
What happened in that time long,
Yet not so long, ago

Start
In part
From what I knew
Like a picture I drew
Painting my memories
Now almost...dare I say ease
A heaviness left
Was heft
From my weary shoulders
Like the moving of boulders
I could finally breathe

Letting a little ray of light
Shine bright
On one of my darkest days
For so long it says
Until it is gone over so much
That such
Is lesser than what it used to be
Tell me what I'm supposed to see

Flashes, flashes,
Forces into my head, dashes
Into the moments between
Like replaying a movie scene
Only it's just momentarily visible
Making one wish they were invisible
A cry;
"Take me from this - for when I try,"
"All I can do is run and cry."

But another being able to say
It's okay
Telling me I'm not so alone
Don't have to drone
Is pleasant

Though I've told my tale
Pierced the veil
This was...comforting
Then, in parting
Was left with a tranquility

One small moment of peace
When pain would not cease
Was nice
When not even the music would suffice

- Jay M
March 7th, 2020

It was...nice to be able to talk about past events with a friend. Good to get things out, I suppose.

#talk #nice #day #breathe #explaining #better

Jay M Mar 2020

Love Is Delicate

I was always a little
                                          D
                                               E
                                                   L
                                                        I
                                                            C
                                                                 A
                                                                      T
                                                                           E
And have always been  a f r a i d
Of  f a l l i n g  a p a r t
Until I met you

Then I wasn't so scared anymore
That was before
I messed up
You had filled my cup
But now it only has a sip left
There was a theft
I gave you my heart
Now I'm left with only part
But that's okay -

Hey,
I can be patient until things calm down
I might frown
But that's just because I miss you
And I'm wondering if you miss me too

Wrote you a letter
Gonna send it once things get better
But for now
I wonder how
Everything went so wrong
But I'll just work on making things right
As my hope takes flight
That maybe one day
You'll be able (and want) to come back and say
You want me back

For now, Love,
I'm waiting for you
And I will do
Whatever it takes
To be okay
While you are away
And to be myself
Instead of letting it sit on a shelf

Love is fragile
It takes a while
To be steady
And it cracks
But gets patched up
We would lie on our backs
Talk about when we are grown up
Now you've got to go focus
I think I'll grow some crocus
Flowers to admire
I'll sit by the fire
To warm my half-a-heart
While we are apart

Darling, I will wait
This is fate
Right?
For now, there's no one to hold me tight
Memories of your arms around me
All of our memories - they won't leave me be
Because I'm so in love with you
And I really hope you still are too

I'll be here
My dear
Waiting for you
Do what you need to do
Then I hope you'll come find me
And we can be
Just you and me
Once again

- Jay M
March 5th, 2020

He and I...we're not allowed to talk to each other. I'll wait for him as long as it takes, and if he wants me back once everything settles then here I'll be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love, if somehow you read this, know that it's okay and I'll be right here waiting for you if you want me back. For now just focus on school, and everything will be okay. I love you..

#love #delicate #waiting #complicated #school #patience #letter #heart #fire #you

Jay M Mar 2020

Dodging Bullets

Walking about campus
Minding my own business,
When suddenly
A person appears in my vision
My thoughts go by rapidly
I am at an internal division;
Hide or run
Pick one

So, since I fear what may come of running,
I hide
My heart is gunning
Friend lets me hide, making comments on the side
As said person passes by
I want to cry
Flashbacks hit like a boulder
My friend touches my shoulder
Tells me said person is gone
And I was seen, hiding like the meek little fawn I am

Then in my last class
I take the restroom pass
Walk out and into the open air
For now without a care
Go around the corner
Instantly put my head down line a mourner
Face white, like a wraith
I have no faith
In myself
I want to run and hide in a shelf
Because there's that person again
That I just can't seem to escape
Almost like they're waiting...
Hopefully not for me
I put my head down
Pass them by
Silence

Once inside the safety of the restroom
I feel like there is no room
I corner myself
For a second, I put my heart on the shelf
Back against the wall
I go back to an old habit
Hiding like a rabbit
Eventually coming out
Looking about
Then returning to class

After school
The air is cool
I sit at a bench
Read something in French
Wonder what it means
Then I look to my left
Don't know when they crept
So close to me
But they left me be
4 feet away from me
Chilling me to the bone
I just want to be left alone

Eye contact
Then quickly broken
By me
Hoping they'll leave me be
Nothing is done or said
But still I am filled with dread
Unsure why
But still, I cry

They leave, walk away
Thought they left my day
I go to my sister
To carry her bag
So the walk wouldn't be a drag
Then, 4 feet away
There is that person
Talking to a friend of mine
Great, just fine
I take the bag and go
My sister goes with the flow
And we leave it all behind us
Until the next dawn.

- Jay M
February 29th, 2020

I kept running into the person I've been trying to avoid. It was...not a good day, but it was okay once I got home.

#flashbacks #avoiding #hiding

Jay M Feb 2020

Talk With My Fiend

Longing
For one of the only things I cannot have
Locked away from me
At least I can be
Three months sober
On March 2nd
Just give me a second
To catch my breath
And stop myself

I see the cord and lock
Thinking maybe if I took a rock
And hit it
It could break open
Unlocking the liquor
Then an image likes to flicker
Reminding me what I said
I made a promise
Not to drink
So I think

For a long time, I think
"I won't take that drink."
But then again,
Something in me,
A fiend,
Wants me not to be cleaned
Wants me to be tainted
To be painted
Like a picture
And plastered

So I argue with said fiend,
"I have been cleaned,"
I say to it,
Trying to reason,
"and I made a promise."
Then the fiend, "But miss,"
"what if t'were but a sip?"
This makes me think
Before I have time to counter,
I look in the mirror and encounter
My reflection
And in it I imagine myself
Holding a bottle
I don't want to touch the throttle
That could lead to that road

I am drowning in my own pain
I have little to nothing to gain
So I respond,
"Fiend, you beseech me;"
"think this is the opportune moment,"
"But I shall make this a restated movement."
So I take the fiend
Hold it in my grasp and stare
Down at it, in this nightmare
I ask it,
"Why, why do you care?"
It is silent,
Takes its turn to stare
And to ask me,
"Why, why do you resist,"
"when something to sooth thy pain sits there?"

I drop said fiend
Taken aback by its counter
So I sit on the bathroom counter
Then think with my eyes closed
How one such as it
Could tempt me so
Busying myself with something to sew
But I cannot be distracted for long
Not with something so strong

Whenst I was tempted last
I revisited something from my past
Let it take control
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Five and no more
Then, when I walked out that door
The tides had turned
Casting be into the waters of guilt
Causing my soul to wilt

"Fiend..."
I called
It was not appalled,
"Yes, miss? What ever plagues thee so?"
A smile upon its face
I reply,
"Old habits I thought I had buried - I tell no lie."
Then,
That little fiend replies,
"But, not the one thou yearned for not long ago."
Thoughts tell me to drop it, let it go
"Nay, not a drop has touched these lips."
The fiend laughs!
"But of course not - but blood loves to seep."
So there I weep
Fiend laughing
Winning in its own, sick and twisted ways
Eventually going to let me choose
What more do I have to lose?

- Jay M
February 26th, 2020

I've been tempted...tempted, but haven't done a thing.

#fiend #trials

Feb 2020

JG

Forever

I can't wait to feel your lips on mine
To be in your arms
To see you, face to face
To cuddle with you.

I want to spend forever with you,
To be able to wake up next to you,
To be to go to sleep beside you every day,

I want you forever.
Your insecurities,
Your messes,
I want it all if I can have u.
To have Your beautiful face to wake up to.
I love all and everything about you.

Jay M Feb 2020

Good Night My Love

I say this now, for I havst not time left.
Not this fair night, in this night air, you see.
Goodnight, my love, for now I must go work.
School work, for there is much of it left still.
Adue, my darling, I must resume this
And you, surely you must resume your night.

(Tís Shakespeare my dear; rest well my darling.)

- Jay M
February 24th, 2020

From last night, I had been reading Shakespeare and sent a text to my love in iambic pentameter. Sounds a little like Shakespeare, in the sense of format..

#goodnight #love #you #rest