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  Aug 2018 Lorenzo Neltje
egghead
We cannot write silence.
The beats.
The pause.
The breath.
The way it aches
and persists

and begs that,

if only for a moment,

our consciousness is only a whisper.
our bodies,
our lips,
the air that passes through falling chests
and stillness.

A melody of emotion.
Sleeping in the quiet of a heartbeat skipped
a word lost to the wind.

The wickedness of reticence
Encapsulated in air and time.

The moment stretched too long.
Hesitation perpetuated in the grip of fingernails
pressed into palms.

We cannot write silence,
but we can try.

to find a way to immortalize emotion
to create space
in the ceaseless drone of words that speak and spin.

I cannot write silence. But I can write
tears and years
and the burn of long-stretched lies.

I can write goodbyes and hellos
And dozen ways to say
I love to hate you
Or
I hate to love you
and sometimes
I cannot tell the difference.
Silence.
The space I have upheld for myself.

I love to hate you
Heart.

I hate to love you too.

I cannot write silence.
But I know it.
and I have held it in my hand.
Inspired by the Vanity Fair article of André Aciman's reaction to his book *Call Me By Your Name* being made into a movie. Specifically the quote, "I couldn't write silence."
  Aug 2018 Lorenzo Neltje
Vale Luna
(read forward, then backward, line by line)

I ran.
Not knowing what else to do
There was so much blood on my hands
It was mine
The kitchen knife
Caught in my chest
Guilt
Consumed by
Fear
I was heightened by
Adrenaline
But running on
Wasn’t enough
While trying to stay calm,
Losing control
It was me that would end up
Dead. Because
He was
In front of me
The whole time
It was too late
Trapped
I found myself
Locked in chains
My fate was
Death.
Forward: from the victims perspective.
Backward: from the murderers perspective.

This TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE
Hate myself for never being enough
I can't figure out how to succeed
Shelf I keep aspirations on is too high
I am nothing but a servant to incessant need

Another person expecting too much
Honestly that is what's keeping me down
Tired, I write these words
Disappointment pinning me to ground

Don't know how to be different
There is something holding me back
Can't quite pinpoint what is missing
But I sense it's something big I lack
Be patient with yourself. Nothing in nature blooms all year.
  Aug 2018 Lorenzo Neltje
eileen
Yam
I'm sorry if I mess up
I can't keep my mouth shut

and I've considered cutting off my tongue

I say all the wrong things
more than I've said good things

I want to turn away
and runaway

from all the hurtful words I've spilled
to you
and myself

I won't be able to stay

I want to go away

please stop calling me

I only make things worse
I'm always at a distance

in silence, I give my best advice

I want to turn away
go away

I never stay

holding all the things I want to say
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