If you were mine for as long as I wanted you

Then why are you gone with someone else

If you were the first to be my last

Then why am I alone

If you really loved me

Then how could you walk away

Ten years ago today, I gave birth to a beautiful angel. I loved her so much that I did the only thing possible to ensure she had a chance to be part of a loving family and not live in poverty: I turned to the couple who had cried every tear and laughed every laugh with me. I looked at the woman and saw my feelings reflected on her face. The joy, awe, fear, and even sympathy for me were plain to see. Suddenly my doubts lifted. I took a deep hitching breath and said, "Do you want to hold her, mom?" Her smile was radiant as she reached out and snuggled her close. It was and still is the very hardest thing I've ever done in my life....and while the sorrow is magnified today as I look back, I have no regrets. Only love and a deep sense of satisfaction that I gave my sweet girl the best thing I could have: a chance.

I reached out to you across the gulf
Through the broken needle landscape
Of our love

You held my hand for just a while
While on your face an evil smile lurked
This was your chance

Your chance to visit back the hurt
No better time than when I'm down
Revenge tastes better with tears.

I held everything in my hands
Everything I needed
Everything I wanted
But you took it and left me empty
Saying I deserved more
But leaving me with less
Than I had before
I wish we'd never met.

When I first saw you
And you saw me too
Sparks of passion ignited my veins.

I looked in your eyes
And tried to disguise
The fact that my heart was riddled with pain.

For you had a girl
Who was your whole world
And all of my love was all in vain.

So I bided my time
And sipped on my wine
And silently prayed that one day

That you'd call it quits
And after the split
You would come to me and say

Well I like you baby
Do you think that maybe
We could spend a few lazy
Days alone?
Or maybe talk on the phone?

Cause girl you know
You drive me crazy.
You make my mind go
Fuzzy and hazy.
So tell me baby
Do you think maybe?

The sea may forget you
But once you gaze upon it's face
You never forget the sea

How much have I really lost?
How many times has happiness
Slipped from my grasp?
Is it really destiny?
Some happenstance collection
Of random encounters?
Random chemicals floating?
Neural synapses firing?
How many times has a moment
Shaped the rest of my life?
A moment so inconsequential
That it eludes my memory.
A green light I barely missed.
An extra ten minutes because I couldn't find my keys?
If I'd left on time would I still have met you....
Or would you have met someone else?

Trying to jumpstart myself
To empty the emptiness inside me
Trying to jumpstart myself
My mind dismissing all that I hear and see
Trying to jumpstart myself
Feigning smiles and laughs and cheer
Trying to jumpstart myself
Though I'd much rather just not be here