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 Jan 2018 The Vault
Prince Gerald
When I was little I was afraid of needles.
The skinny shiny end, like the backs of beetles.
Mom holding my hand tight as I stood there. Feeble.
Telling me I was one of the bravest people.
She ever met.

Afterwards, I'd cry and lay there fetal.
She would tell me it was to prevent measles.
To stop me from looking like a red polka-dotted easel.
But I always told myself, they were evil.

And now, where am I?
The needle's no longer an enemy but an ally.
As I feel the cold metal devil,
and revel in this bed and dishevel,
and elevate to feel my fate slipping,
I told myself I was on a higher level.

So that I could ignore the fact,
that I made a blood pact,
With the wrong pack,
of crack,
trying to find my sanity, is like a needle in a haystack,
maybe I need a life jacket,
to save me from drowning myself.
The white walls, and black shelves,
All stare at me like I'm deaf.
But I can hear.
I can hear just fine,
and find the time,
this time,
ill quit.
I swear it.

When I was little I was afraid of needles.
The skinny shiny end, like the backs of beetles.
And now, I'm staring into a mirror, and choking myself.
Trying to tell myself.

To get rid of this evil.
What doesn't destroy me

make me wanna die

What doesn't **** me

make me wanna suicide

What means everything to me

is the one who's destroying and killing me

What makes me happy

Is the one who's making me cry

The person we love

hurts us

and yet

The people who loves us

is those we hurt

What a cruel world

that makes me think of going to heaven
yeah always...
 Sep 2017 The Vault
josh wilbanks
Being suicidal doesn't mean i'm going to **** myself

Being suicidal is having this unexplicable ache while you're living

It's waiting for your life to end, and wishing you didn't have to carry on

Having this ache, an incapability to feel happy living, doesn't mean that I am going to **** myself -

It just means I wouldn't mind dying.
 Sep 2017 The Vault
Nicole
I never understood the idea of 'voices'
Until I heard it one night
Maybe the drugs had me hallucinating
Except I still hear them.

I used to believe
that all my thoughts belonged to me
that all my demons were a direct link to my being
But the words I hear now aren't my own.

The first instance felt like paranoia:
Thoughts racing through my mind
Unnecessarily dramatic with a shred of potential truth.
Except I can't make them stop.

It felt much more like
Someone throwing knives into the paper walls of my consciousness
Quick, unexpected, unsolicited
Each thought slid through so easily
The scraping noise of ripping paper echoed in my mind
His words dripping from the reverberating sound waves
The deafening sound blocking out all oppositional thoughts

I feel powerless.

Today they still speak
There's more than one now
The first questions my relationship
The newest judges all of my decisions
Together they taunt me with these
Intrusive and uncontrollable thoughts
That make me want to die so much more
If that's even possible.

"She's only using you, y'know"
No, she loves me
"Are you sure? Then why is she kissing differently?"
I don't know, but it's fine
"Ha, yeah ok, we'll see"
Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
"Bet you she's thinking of him now"
"Why do you even try?"
"You're going to die anyway"
"Why not tonight?"
"We'll make it quick, painless"
"I promise"

I feel my energy depleting
My hopes sinking further into the black hole in my mind
I'm grasping for something to hold onto
But all I feel is air between my fingers
I'm slipping further away from sanity
And I'm letting my body die slowly by not eating
I should just give in
Death is my destiny

*Just keep breathing
No one understands the pain I am in.
I sit here in complete silence
but the silence is deafening.
My thoughts grow louder and louder,
and before I know it I'm drowning in words
with no way to speak.
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