Tired eyes
Blinking with the
Sound of my every breath.

I stare at the rustic table in front of me.
I see things without actually seeing them,
My mind wanders to places I don't
Want to think about.

I try to widen my eyes and focus
So maybe I can stay in this
Permanent zone for a little
While longer.

Thoughts still race through my mind
In slow motion
And I want the world to stop...

And.

Listen...

To the whole essence, that is me...
Because I simply cannot
Express myself
In the ways that matter.

It upsets me
Because I cannot be brave
As the characters in story books, that I love so much

I try to write my feelings to you...
The feelings that
I cannot simply
Portray...

I drink alcohol to soothe my soul
To cleanse and numb my broken mind
I drink for the buzz
To see what new reaches I can find
It’s scary in my head when I’m sad
When I’m throwing up that poison
I can’t cry for mom and dad
The pain is far too great
I love the tingle
But the taste, I hate

When I was younger, I used to think I was going to be a Star.
Under a spotlight where everyone knew my name...
I was five.

Now, I want shadows and to be as far away as possible.
Hidden and far from consequence,
And even further from myself.
Where my name is not a name,
But just another word without any true meaning.

When I was younger, I used to think I was going to be a Star.
Now, I want to disappear.

I should have jumped overboard when I had the chance.

Step 1: Get out of bed
Step 2: Look in the mirror
Step 3: Practice your smile
Step 4: Eyedrops to hide the red eyes
Step 5: Conceal the dark circles
Step 6: Breathe
The curtains are almost up
Step 7: Lock down the pain
Step 8: Ignore the weight on your chest
Step 9: Silence the screams inside of your mind
Step 10: Choke down the sobs
Step 11: Ignore the stinging in your eyes
Step 12: Swallow past the tightness in your throat
You’ve put on this show a million times
Step 13: Don’t let them see
Times up. Curtains up. Camera rolling

I reach deep inside of myself
hoping to pull something out.
Tickling, teasing,
A game I like to play.
I know the risks:
Dehydration, fatigue, tooth decay, osteoporosis, anemia, hypotension, arrhythmia, cardiac arrest, death.

I roll the dice, because in this moment
I know I’d rather die than keep the Poison inside.

So, I dig, deep, into the dark,
Until I hit it: X marks the spot.
Tease it out. Force it out.
The treasure spills from the core of me.
I win.

I am emptied over and over and over again,
Until there is nothing left of the Poison and nothing left of me.

Sadness erupts from
Thoughts &
Daydreams.

Wishful thinking &
Nightmares.

Loneliness &
Reality.

The list can go on
And on…

Must I feel this way
When I have nothing to gain?

Must I torture myself
When I feel so empty?

The bane of my existence
Is to feel this pain.

I can’t embrace happiness
The way most folks do.

If I ever were to feel
Joy…

Then that would be only
In paradise.