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Jan 2021 · 70
Lydeen Jan 2021
As it turns out,

You were just the cocoon which trapped and tested my willpower,

and you only succeeded in making me into a stronger,

more beautiful person
Jan 2021 · 206
Lydeen Jan 2021
Without you,
I lost a part of myself.
It isn't bad in and of itself,
It left me in a place to rebuild.

Like a mildewed, forgotten bulb,
I will return with gentle care,
Shed my disease of despair,
And thrive.

Even the most seemingly damaged, dried, moldy bulb can bloom into a beautiful flower when the disease stopping it is removed.

It only took a seemingly hopeless amaryllis for me to learn this.
Jan 2021 · 585
Cuffed Pants
Lydeen Jan 2021
Too-big jean jackets,
Rolled up sleeves,
Cuffed pants,
You're all thieves.

Deliciously short hair,
Round glasses,
Soft skin,
Performing for the masses.

You're my big, lesbian, social media crush.
Sappho would be proud of how much I love women, even though I'm really bisexual :-P
Lydeen Jan 2021
Closure is a fickle thing.
After four years of your abusive, toxic friendship,
and two years of your emotional manipulation,

I made the leap.

There will be no more midnight conversations,
No more thinly veiled flirting,
No more codependency.

It's done.

You both can't make me insecure,
Feel bad for having emotions,
or even tell me off for caring too deeply.

It's the end.
It's been a long way to get here, but I delivered on my new years resolution and finally removed the toxicity from my life and decided that avoiding loneliness wasn't worth my own self degradation and giving up my own emotional stability to be stable for you. I know now that I don't owe you anything.

To Nick: I won't ever forget what you said to me. We could maybe be friends again, but I will never forget that you directly implied that my dad's abuse was my fault and that I "should know I'm not that type of person" when I actually reached out, even after you constantly berating me for feeling that I couldn't come to you about things. It is exclusively your own fault that I never felt safe to talk to you, because you only ever responded with anger when I mentioned my problems or faults in our friendship. I don't understand why you offered to help me only to throw it back in my face. But it isn't something that I am willing to gloss over. Not again. I've been too forgiving for too long.

To Ava: I don't know why you felt the need to pretend to care for so long. Our friendship ended with middle school. I just never took the time to realize that you have been taking advantage of my friendship to serve your own purposes. You promised not to let Nick get between us. Either way, even in the beginning, you always had someone you wanted to put before me. You were my best friend. I was never, ever yours. My favorite memory is from when we briefly dated and you turned down my plans because "you were busy," then made plans with someone else five minutes later. You should've just told me you didn't care enough to spend time with me. I don't know why you pretended for so long. I know that in the beginning things were alright, but every little thing would get between us, and your own selfishness got majorly between us. You complain about a friend never reaching out to you, but how many years has it been since you reached out to me? How many times did you promise to try harder for me, because your neglect of our friendship made me feel worthless, only to abandon me after speaking to me once?

In the end, you deserve each other. Nick had an emotional affair on you, Ava, but you also make his life a living hell by expecting the world and never giving anything back to him. I don't feel like a victim of manipulation or any nonsense, but I do feel like a fool for believing time and time again that I could rely on either of you to have my back. Even in the three days since I completely removed you from life, I feel so much better. I don't have to be guilty for having emotions anymore. I don't have to be guilty for "being ungrateful" for the steaming pile of **** that you both gave to me.
Dec 2020 · 213
Lydeen Dec 2020
Why do you think that it's okay
To rip out my heart
and try to shove it back in

You were drunk?

No ******* ****,
I haven't seen you sober in
6? entire years


"You're my kid, that's not an option"
Then why was it an option two years ago??
Why was it an option last Saturday?

You're not my ******* parent.

You never were.
I ******* hate your guts.
Dec 2020 · 631
Lydeen Dec 2020
I really didn't think that when you finally disowned me,

It would be so liberating.




Thank you,

Jordan Matthew Jansen

I mean I cried for two hours but honestly I feel amazingly calm now.
Dec 2020 · 207
Too Loud
Lydeen Dec 2020
Cars light up my room.

I count.

The moon keeps me awake,

I can hear you.

Telling me to do it-
Hurt me, you, them...


Words begging to become actions.

I close my eyes.

Deep, deep, deep breath.
It's just a thought.


Soft sheets, pillows...
Moon, stars, lights.

It's quiet.
Dec 2020 · 1.3k
Too Quiet
Lydeen Dec 2020
When I'm home alone,
I feel empty.
The circles under my eyes...
Wind carries through cracks,
Mice scratch scratch scratch scratch...

Something clatters.

And suddenly it's loud.
My heart pound pound pounds...
Getting closer...
Quick! Grab a weapon!

I call out:
"Is someone there?!"

And suddenly it is all quiet again.
Do you ever feel like you're being watched? Or that shadow in the corner of your eye... What if someday it's not a shadow?
Nov 2020 · 2.5k
Gay Tuesday
Lydeen Nov 2020
We both agreed,
We are only
On Tuesday.

I miss your voice.

You're actually straight,
just entertaining me,
I wish you were gay.

Then I'd know why you refuse me.
I miss his laugh :-(

I need a girlfriend
Nov 2020 · 67
Lydeen Nov 2020
Nov 2020 · 1.1k
Not Vibing
Lydeen Nov 2020
It has only been a week since I've been out of school.

The anxiety of being alone is getting to me.
Nov 2020 · 361
Cycling To Nowhere
Lydeen Nov 2020
Feet on the pedals,
Crunchy Gravel.

Cycling to nowhere,
Round and Round,
Without a care.

Fences and trees,
and paths and leaves.
Laughter. Joy.

Up and Down,
Back and forth,
A circular journey.

Round and round,
Over and over
and over and...

Beginning, middle, end.
Addiction, Recovery, Relapse.
OCD, Depression, Anxiety.

Cycling to nowhere.
Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
Nov 2020 · 732
The OCD Waltz
Lydeen Nov 2020





















I guess consider this a part two to the first poem I ever wrote on here, which was about seven. I've moved on from seven to three since then.
Nov 2020 · 2.9k
Hip Bones and Shaking Hands
Lydeen Nov 2020
Counting... Always... Counting.

A cup of herbal tea, maybe with some sugar.
If I feel up to it.

Maybe some soup, grilled cheese.
If I can stomach it.

Dinner. Whatever mom makes.
My only supervised meal.

Tired, all day... Every day.
Drowning in college papers.

The curves I worked so hard to get back...
Well. They're nearly gone.

Protruding hip bones,
Protruding collar bones,
Boney fingers,
Pale skin,
Fantastic figure and pretty ribs,
Cold toes and bad circulation.

Heart murmurs... Shaky breathing... Migraines... Exhaustion... Confusion... Lethargy... Weight loss

Shaking, Shaking, Shaking...

Gotta go make a cuppa, warm up a bit.

But... what's left for me to be healthy for, anyway?

I'll take a bath to warm up instead

Being home all the time isn't doing me well... If I die, blame Miss Rona for her ****** attitude.
Nov 2020 · 68
Lydeen Nov 2020
I want more,
I have for
years. Like, Three

years. You have
a girlfriend, my
former "best friend."

Honestly, I talk
to you more
than she does.
Nov 2020 · 466
Lydeen Nov 2020
I complain about you.
A lot.
       The thing is,

                              I don't mind how long I have to wait for you.

                It's obsession.

                                 And I don't care.
When you stalk their location on Snap to see if they're ignoring you, you know you're ******.
Oct 2020 · 429
Lydeen Oct 2020
Polycystic ***** Syndrome.

As it turns out,
Once your hormones are under control,
You aren't always overflowing with emotion.

Even if you're still infertile.
Oct 2020 · 55
e ai?
Lydeen Oct 2020
Ja faz algum tempo.
Sinto saudades de todos voces.

Tudo bem?
Estou bem.

Eu sou ainda sozinho.

Mas, esta tudo bem

Ja faz algum tempo, meu amigos e amigas. Sinto saudades.
Jul 2020 · 224
"Been Good"
Lydeen Jul 2020
Ive... Been good.
Fought it out with my dad.

He knows I despise him.

Spent the night there for my brother,
Couldn't fall asleep till after four.

Got triggered.

Haven't eaten in a bit,
Got my license though.

I've been good.
May 2020 · 249
Lydeen May 2020
I can wake up in the morning
And be okay.

And not just... Okay....

OCD is still an

The self loathing
Is still here,

But I'm really okay.
I work a 9-6 job,
Sleep regular

Talk to boys,
Argue and talk back,
Get tired

My problems aren't gone.
They're still
Very much present

I'm dealing with them,
May 2020 · 190
Sic Itur Ad Astra (en)
Lydeen May 2020
Sic itur ad astra,
Thus to the stars I will journey,
In times of grief and loss,
Through stars and galaxies,
In the fleeting warmth of the sun,
Sic itur ad astra.
May 2020 · 268
Sic Itur Ad Astra (br)
Lydeen May 2020
Sic Itur Ad Astra.
Assim para as estrelas eu viajarei,
Em tempos de luto e perda,
Através das estrelas e galáxias,
Ao calor fugaz do sol,
Sic itur ad astra.
Apr 2020 · 140
The Trouble With Poets
Lydeen Apr 2020
False words and false imagery,

Acting as if you know emotions more initmately than others.

Then you go on to describe the struggle,

Life, money, your horrible childhood,

As if you're as special as a wheat penny.

I have five.

Or, consider slam poetry.

Angry people yelling into a microphone,

Young adults in black snapping their agreement.

You sound like ***** (click, click, click).

Poets are like the people who use herbal deoderant.

They stink and nobody likes them.

I'll tell you something,

You have no more meaning or depth,

Than the glue stick I stuck to the underside of a lab table in 8th grade.

(mic drop)
It's not my intention to offend people, but we all know somebody, or the people like this, and if you don't, you're the person.
Feb 2020 · 473
Lydeen Feb 2020
Maybe I hurt myself...

To keep myself from hurting you...

With the thoughts begging to become actions...
It's been a rough week
Feb 2020 · 224
Not Cute
Lydeen Feb 2020
I wonder what would happen,
If more people knew about how not cute OCD is.

If they knew about intrusive thoughts,
Thinking about killing yourself-

Throwing yourself in front of an amusement park ride,
Closing your eyes and walking into the street.

Stuck picking at your brain,
Ruining your day.

What would happen if...?
And knowing you shouldn't but REALLY want to.

It's not cute,
Ocd hits differently when you have the obsessive and compulsive parts.... Thoughts become enemies tbh. It gets stuck- nagging. Rip.
Feb 2020 · 81
Final Goodbye
Lydeen Feb 2020
I don't understand.


I ******* told you, and then you had the audacity to to say "you need to tell us when something's up" like I hadn't literally just done that.


I don't think you were ever my ******* friend and this is a final goodbye.


I'm sorry that I want to be treated like I'm not invisible.


But that isn't an apology to you.


It's an apology to myself for letting you treat me like that.


Friends aren't only friends when it's just the two of them.


Friends don't just want to hang out when they don't have plans.


Friends don't only care when they feel obligated.

Feb 2020 · 114
Again again again
Lydeen Feb 2020
At this point,
It's like clockwork.

I neglect to tell you something,
Because I'm scared you'll get mad,

I finally tell you,
You get mad.

And now we're not friends.
It happens with every friend I have.
I don't understand. I ******* told you, and then you had the audacity to to say "you need to tell us when something's up" like I hadn't literally just done that. *******. I don't think you were ever my ******* friend and this is a final goodbye. I'm sorry that I want to be treated like I'm not invisible. But that isn't an apology to you. It's an apology to myself for letting you treat me like that. Friends aren't only friends when it's just the two of them. Friends don't just want to hang out when they don't have plans. Friends don't only care when they feel obligated. *******.
Jan 2020 · 268
Ode to Life
Lydeen Jan 2020
Up and down,
Written in my
Own personal language,

Crossing my skin
In a sharp,
Bitter, language- personal

To me and
My skin, an
Ode to life
Jan 2020 · 819
New Year
Lydeen Jan 2020
New year,
New me.
At least that's the idea,

I haven't really told anyone...
I've been counting calories,
Working out.
It needs to stop,
I guess.

I'll figure it out.

New year New me.

Sounds nice.
Only an hour left! I'm hoping next year is much better than this one. We'll see, when I go through all my poems next December. I wish all my lovely followers well. Make it the best one yet <3 muito amour ~Lydeén~
Dec 2019 · 516
Lydeen Dec 2019
I sent you another text.
Maybe I shouldn't've.
I was hoping to tell you something.
I don't really know if you care but.
I ate a proper amount today for the first time in months.
Have you eaten?
You probably haven't.
That's okay.
I get it.
I think under normal circumstances you'd be proud.
I actually ate fries and shortcake today.
I forgot my meds though so it made me feel icky.
It's okay.
I even ate some chocolate.
Nearly a full meal at McDonald's.
At least half.
I gave it my best, though.
How are you?
How's your mom?
Have you eaten?
(I miss you)
How's your girlfriend?
(I love you)
What's been up?
How can I fix this?!?

I'm sorry.
Dec 2019 · 259
Kiss Your Wrist
Lydeen Dec 2019
I'll thrice kiss
your wrist. It's
the only way

I can know
that you'll be
okay. I promise

it will help.
Kiss Kiss Kiss,
Kiss your wrist.
Dec 2019 · 934
Lydeen Dec 2019
Remember the clear blue sky.
Remember the beautiful flowing grass.
Remember the warm spring breeze.
Remember the early thaw.
Remember the beautiful pine trees.
Remember the exploding life.
Remember the sudden jolt.
Remember the three flips.
Remember the burn of the belt.
Remember the sound of mom hitting the roof.
Remember the NOISE.
Remember the aftermath.
Remember the thump of kicking out the window.
Remember the desperation of getting out.
Remember the worry about your sweater.
Remember the fear you had stained your dress.
Remember the grass cutting your legs while leaving the ditch.
Remember the woman who was kind.
Remember the yogurt with cookie crumbs.
Remember the cold spoon.
Remember the grey lunchbox.
Remember the blue cube ice pack.
Remember the girl who hadn't eaten it at lunch.
Remember the lie that you hadn't cried.
Remember the grey van.
Remember the white car stained red.
Remember the bus.
Remember the blood.
Remember the shattered glass.
Remember the man.
Remember the crimson paint.
Remember the scalp peeled back.
Remember the shrieking siren.
Remember the neighbors.
Remember the glistening beautiful glass.
Remember the cops.
Remember the ambulance ride.
Remember the hospital.
Remember the glass embedded in mommy's back.
Remember the doctors.
Remember the first time your blood pressure was taken.
Remember the sling.
Remember the pain.
Remember the fear.
Remember the questions.
Remember the thousands of times you told the story over.
Remember the details you suppressed.
Remember the trauma.
Remember the gasp each time the car slowed.
Remember the hands clutching the door.
Remember the death grip.
Remember the anxiety.
Remember the tears.
Remember the first time driving.
Remember the first time almost getting in a crash of your own.
Remember the fear each time you grip the wheel.
Remember the accident on your sixth birthday.
Lydeen Dec 2019
Kissing my wrist.
1. 2. 3
times. I should

be good for
a few hours.
Then repeat again.

Stumb- stumbling stumble
over ov ov
stumbling over over

over over over
stumbling ov over
my over my

words. Every time
I try to
speak to you.

Kiss, 2, 3.
Now I won't
accidentally hurt you.

Picking at my
skin, pinching, frowning.
Cutting each and

every bite into
a perfect cube.

Into the car.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Now I won't

be in another
car accident. But!
Don't forget, don't

forget. Do it
again to be
sure. You have

to or else
you'll get hurt.
Hurt your family.

Hurt someone else's
family. Break apart
a whole life.

I can count
every single calorie
I have eaten

today without even
looking at the
label. I can

taste and tell
you which artificial
sugar is in

my energy drink.
But! I only
drink the ones

with guarana extract.
It's all natural,
so at least

kinda better, right?
FREEZE! Here comes
a new thought.

What if I
suddenly ran out
into traffic, got

hit by a car,
and traumatized someone.
Or, consider, if

I went to
a theme park,
and just jumped

out in front
of a roller
coaster, horribly traumatizing

a whole train
of children. A
huge explosion of

blood and brains.
Don't do it,
don't do it,

Don't do it,
don't, don't, don't
It's a thought.

It doesn't control
you. It doesn't.
Let it go.

Kiss kiss kiss.
Kiss, 2, 3.
Kissing my wrist.
Dec 2019 · 60
12/21/19 3:43 AM
Lydeen Dec 2019
I've been waiting for hours.
Awake on adrenaline, anxiety, and caffeine.
Pure will, too, I suppose.
My heart is thump thump thumping.
Threatening to beat right out my chest.
I'm trying to decide wether to text you again.

I sincerely doubt you're asleep.

Spent the last two hours deciding.
Just waiting for you.
I've been awake more than a day.
I think I drove you away more than I thought.
That's okay though.
I accept the blame for this.
I won't say goodnight.

I promise.
Dec 2019 · 69
Apples to Apples
Lydeen Dec 2019
If one spoiled apple can wreck the whole barrel...

How many barrels will I have to jump in and ruin until they finally  get rid of me?
I'm on a roll today lol
Dec 2019 · 547
Cotton Candy Clouds
Lydeen Dec 2019
Copper coil,
Condensed candy,
Ceding comfort,


Cyclical contentment,
Cool convenience,
Captivatingly casual.


Clean conclusion,
Cheerless continuation,
Cultivating casualties.

Dude alliteration is hardddd
Dec 2019 · 92
It's Abo#t ###
Lydeen Dec 2019
It's j#st another love letter.
Exactly like it.

I missed ###r text.
I promise,
The anxiety of realizing
Than makes #p for it.

### told me to chill.
That b#rned a little.
### know that my
Is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad B a D.

I'm sorry for making ###
All the letters
With my tears.

We all want to be
I'm not special.
Not to ###.
Not to my best friend,
who ###'re dating.
Not to my other best friend,
That's why ### aren't in this poem.
This isn't very good and doesn't make sense #nless ## think a little, b#t it feels right to me. How abo#t ###?
Dec 2019 · 414
To The Clouds In Peril
Lydeen Dec 2019

Go on, take a


Sadness? Anger? Anxiety? Melt,


Giggles bubbling in your throat.


To the

Dec 2019 · 1.2k
Lydeen Dec 2019
Curves melting away
Numbers dropping
An obsessive measurement of worth

One food at a time
Consider mixing it all together

Counting bites
Counting grains, kernels, seeds
Counting times chewed

26 waist
32 hip
5 wrist

11 neck
7 forearm
30 ribcage

17.8 bmi
16.3 body fat
98 lbs

Obsessively memorizing
Plugging in numbers

Worrying if you look sick
Collar bones too defined
Hip bones jutting out just too much

Getting scared

Feeling deliciously empty
Thinking clearly
Everything fuzzy at the edge

It ain't a ******* joke
Aug 2019 · 243
Night Shopping
Lydeen Aug 2019
Wal-Mart at 12 a.m. is almost eerie.

Silent save the occasional shopper or manager,
Perhaps following you to ensure you don't do anything foolish.

Picking out the dumbest things just because you need to smile.

Playing with your friend in the toys, letting go for once,
Just to be chased away by management.

Losing one of the squad and looking for her.

Wandering over to the makeup, glancing at the camera,
Then picking out what you want and pocketing it an aisle over.

Going to the arcade and winning for once.

It's not a secret, you needed a win,
Plus your little sibling will love the new stuffed toy.

Seeing a random family member.

Rushing away as to remain unseen,
Knowing if your parents find out you will be dead.

The general feeling of disassociated contentedness when you finally leave.

You won't remember half of what happened anyway,
But who cares.

Shopping at night is the best.
Aug 2019 · 776
Liquid Warmth
Lydeen Aug 2019
The temptation is always hanging over me.
A cloud raining pure amber liquid,
Calling with a siren sound.

"I'll help you forget"

"I'll help you be happy"

"We can have fun"

"Make you feel nice"

"Give you back your laugh"

"Take away the pain"

"Supplement the light"

The cold silence of the night makes my nightmares so much more real.

I am alone.

"Together we will be warm"

That's right.

We will be.
I am far too young to be a ******* alcoholic **** but I guess I was always daddy's little girl
Aug 2019 · 1.7k
Lydeen Aug 2019

How many will work?

Or! Maybe I can
my Pencil Sharpener.

Or better yet,

Knit a long,

Where to hang it though?

Perhaps I could take a
Too Hot

And sit till it's cold.

Weigh myself,
Until I'm satisfied

That'd do it too.
If you get all of this sorry lol but I bet almost everyone does on here
Aug 2019 · 251
Shit Storm
Lydeen Aug 2019

I fu




Now I'm under

                 and key

wEll ****.
Jun 2019 · 173
Lydeen Jun 2019
That awkward moment

You don't even




     Started cutting

Mar 2019 · 330
3... 2... 1...
Lydeen Mar 2019
3...  2... 1...
My blade pierces my skin like the shriek pierced the silence of existence on a midnight walk in which I never returned.

3...  2... 1...
My finger slides against the back of my throat in such a way as to release all of my guilt from my stomach from a day of carelessness and lack of willpower.

3...  2... 1...
I jump from the bridge similar to the way a fledgling dives from the sky for the first time, not graceful, but still coordinated enough to be considered  beautiful to those with a particular type of mind.

3...  2... 1...
My consciousness disappears in a single heartbeat, with a puff of smoke disbursing, like a drop of dew evaporating, a child's laugh ending, a life falling apart, I'm a candle being blown out.

3...  2... 1...
I am free.
I am not okay
Mar 2019 · 4.2k
Sincerely, Ana & Mia
Lydeen Mar 2019
You're worthless.
You can't even go a day without eating.
Even when you do you stuff your face just to puke it back up.

Why don't you just end it now?
You're ugly and no-one will ever want you.
Much less want to be with you.

You think that we made you tired?
That we are what's making you sad?
No. You did this to yourself, you worthless, ugly *******.

Why can't you be strong like the other girls?
Why don't you just quit eating and have discipline like they do?
We know it's because you're scared. You ******* coward.

Even we aren't the worst things that you deal with.
What about your little "habit?"
Be it drugs, self harm, purging, or alcohol. Just take your pick.

You deserve every little thing that's happened to you.
You'll never be enough.
You aren't worth it.

You never were.

Ana & Mia
Oops I'm depressed
Mar 2019 · 2.1k
Lydeen Mar 2019
but Beautiful

but Still Sleeping

but Starving

but Slowly

but Not Really

but Pretty
Mar 2019 · 669
Meal Time
Lydeen Mar 2019

   ­  Pretty

It was gonna be longer but I don't care enough anymore to even do that
Jan 2019 · 1.6k
Spinning Out of Control V. 2
Lydeen Jan 2019
Breathing out a cotton candy cloud,
Vaping to slowly **** myself.
It's subtle,
Plus I always smell good.
Sliding my thumb across my blade to bring a bit of sharpness back to this dull dull life.
Chewing my lips until they're bruised and bleeding.
Laying back in the tub as the water slowly slowly slowly covers my face.
Sitting up gasping for breath.
I know I'm bi.
My dad will **** me when he finds out his baby girls kissed another girl.
Oh well.
Laying in the snow until my senses burn,
Staying up all night just to make myself feel alive.
Spiraling spiraling spiraling.
Out of control.
Jan 2019 · 3.3k
Spinning Out of Control
Lydeen Jan 2019
Spiraling like a top.
The world spins as I walk,
My body.
Desperate for nutrition.
But beautiful.
I still haven't hit rock bottom.
Spinning out of control.
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