i don't really know.
it's just that,
you plant a garden in my heart
and grow tulips.
you write a children's book in my mind
and read it to me until i fall asleep.
you are the windows rolled down
and new music.
you are fresh linen
and clean hair.

i must describe you so ordinarily
so the earth won't feel so bad about itself.
but it should feel honored
to hold something as special as you.

a.h.d.

they told me
it would be too late
to see the midnight stars

and they told me
not to wait because
the stars would never change

and they shamed me
when i did not budge
but sat with my friend Hope

yet now i am grown
and perhaps i should tell them
that at midnight
the stars proved them wrong

an aha moment, by definition, is a sudden insight or discovery.
you used to have those a lot.
when you found your other sock,
when you realized what ingredient was missing in your cookies,
when you remembered where you put your keys,
when you met me.... "aha."

you made me feel like you were Columbus and you were finally discovering what you had been looking for
and me, I was just waiting to be found.
i remember you telling me that you didn't believe in love at first sight, but you believed in whatever surged through you when you saw me that night.
you said i was what you missed without knowing... "aha."

when you would try to find out new things about me,
things i couldn't see
it made me feel so special, because no one ever thought there was something there to study
not my even my family or me
with every little discovery, those three letters would slip through your stupid grin, "aha."

i remember thinking, "this is what i needed. this is why nothing else has ever worked out, it's because i need to love an explorer."
but the problem with loving an explorer is once there's nothing new left to discover, they move on.

the aha moments grew less and less frequent as time went on.
you had memorized me like one of your favorite indie records, picked apart my lyrics and listened to every crescendo and eighth note.
you knew every staccato, every rest, every sharp and flat. every little quirk that made me different, you had truly pondered.
but no matter how much you like a song at first, you can only hear it so many times before getting sick of it.

the problem with loving an explorer is once there's nothing new left to discover, they move on.

no wanderlust struck human being stays in one place long, they fall in love with one land and once there's no mystery in it anymore, they fall in love with another land.
you met your next land on an exciting voyage across the sea, miles away from where i was, when you told me you just had to take care of a few things.
you hadn't been able to say your favorite word in a long time.
so when you met her, i bet you whispered under your breath, with that stupid grin I thought was reserved for me... "aha."

an aha moment, by definition, means a sudden insight or discovery.
you used to have those a lot.
you had one the day you left.
something in your brain clicked, and  the realization hit you like a brick.
"i don't love her anymore... aha."

I want to be happy,
but the world is dark enough.
I want to be healthy,
but I'm still too fat.
I want to fill myself with life,
but I just keep smoking my lungs black.
I want to hold your hand,
but this bottle is the only thing I've got.
I want to be free,
but I'm in love with these chains.
I want to be forgiven,
but I keep making mistakes.
I want to be talented,
but I only create mess.
I don't want to feel all this pain,
but I'm chemically messed up.
I don't want to forget
but I keep drinking the night away.
I don't want all this blue,
but what else can I do?
I don't want to hurt myself,
but I feel this is all I deserve.
I don't want to hide anymore,
but I'm locked in the darkness.
I don't want to get burned,
but I like playing with fire.
I don't want to stay,
I'd like to learn how to fly away.
I want to set myself on fire to burn bright,
but it won't stop pouring.
I want it to stop,
but the clock still does that 'tick tock'.