At night, I listen to music
I listen to music to calm my thoughts
Thoughts that tell me I'm worthless
At night, I look at my darkroom and think of him
I think of what we have done together
Of what we could be doing
Of what we could be talking about
If not for her

At night, I cry
I cry because I feel like I'm losing
I'm losing hope that people care
People care for me and I'm not alone
I'm with someone that can help me navigate the sea full of rocks
The sea full of heartbreak and failures

At night, I look up at the stars
I see dots that swim in the dark blue blanket of sky
They float clueless to what horrors lie ahead
Stars are like children
They bring light to a dark world

At night I dream
Dream of a world where my family doesn't berate me like an animal
Who just ****** on the carpet
Dream of a world where we can live in peace
A world where shootings and ****** was unheard of
A world where we can all be happy
But this is just a dream
Dreams aren't reality
But at night
It's my reality

Do you ever feel like you want sadness?
Like wet wood that would like to be lit
But it will burn to death if it was
Do you ever want to have a feeling
With tears running down your cheek
Because it is the only way to know
You can still feel?

Do you ever just want to feel like
Your jumping into an ocean of ink
Because it's better than just feeling "fine"?
Or "good"? Or even anger, because you know
That anger will eventually turn into shame
For the things you said
Or the words you didn't utter

Do you ever just hunger for a feeling
of choking on emotion that left you
a voice mail and you were too scared
to answer but your ready to call back
Do you ever just want to crumble into
The flames of depression because
it's more comfortable than the feeling
of your emotions withering away to ash


Do you ever just want to drown
in your tears, because its better than
feeling numb to the events in your life
Or lack thereof, so school and therapy
are the only interactions with humans you have
And going out of that room will be
meaningless because you have no
plans today like always so the only
Event you can have is
A panic attack or feeling suicidal

Do you ever just want to be depressed
Because it is easier to identify
Like wet wood that would like to be lit
Because burning alive is better than the chill of just surviving

Me
I am a Cliche
I love art and am very reserved
I am bisexual and love to yell it off rooftops
I love video games
I love to read
I am in Love with

You
You are Independent
You walk by me in the halls and Smile
You the locker next to mine and
You are the one I spend my weekends with
You have let me into your bed, tho nothing happened
I wish it did
You are into other girls
You do not love

Me
I tried to tell you once, remember?
You thought I was joking
I Hear your name and blush
I think of our conversations... should I have said that?
I sit in your bed and realize that "This" is never going to be a reality
I lay in my bed and cry about

You
You look at Her
You see Her in class and smile
You hear Her name and Blush
You got her a necklace...
I don't know why, but when I heard that... I felt a ping guilt
You don't look at

Me
I fantasize about you and me
I Feel the hot shame of loving You
I want to stop loving you
I love

You

I want you to hold me tight and feel my muscles tense up
I want you to caress my face and watch as I force myself to stay
I want you to touch me until I start to shake
I want you to feel my body shutter beneath your hand
I want you to know how much I crave you and how sick it makes me feel

Numb
My legs go numb
the thoughts invading my head
Stupid thoughts that I know are a figment of my imagination
I am starting to believe
the repetition tricking my body

I feel the exhaustion
the weight of my thoughts is crushing
I feel like Atlas, the weight of the world on his shoulder
Keeping it in when it's trying to get out.
Out of my eyes
out of my mouth
out of my pores, my nose, my ears

I feel like I'm going to *****
my voice gets small
my belief is growing in these lies I lay
I didn't think this before
I didn't feel this before

I know its stupid
I know I shouldn't believe it
but I do
and that's terrifying

Walking with you by this orange glow
Your smile keeps me warm
Our breath is shown
The cold trying to get through
But your smile keeps me warm

The rain is harsh
The colors fade
But the orange glow resides
Your arms hug me tight
Keeping me safe
And the orange glow resides

It's dark outside
The sun going down
But I'm shielded from the night
Your orange glow
Lights my life
And I'm shielded from the night

Sometimes I want to be with people
But others I want to be alone.
When I say I want to be with people
I mean I want to watch a video
While you sit and drink wine
Though this is interpreted as rude
For me this is heaven
A place where no one is overwhelmingly happy
A place where there can be sound
But I am relaxed

When I mean relaxed I mean not feeling like my bones are melting in my chest
Or like my vocal cords are sealed shut

So when I'm in a crowded room of people chattering
I see my dog lying on the floor, untouched
I want to be that dog
To be that dog who no one expects to be talking or doing activities

I'm in that room a person though
Getting the life ****** out of me
My vocal cords shaped off
My bones melting in my chest

I smile back at there's but its fake
I feel like they know
They know how tired I am
How dark the bags under my eyes are
How shook my voice is

When my mother tells me to get off my phone
She doesn't understand that my phone
Is a task
a task to distract my mind from the noise
So when I put this down I am aware
When I am aware I am scared
When I am scared I do not function
When I don't function I can not talk so there is no right answer here

I am scared
I'm at a party I don't want to go to
I'm in a corner, trying to vanish into the wall
My heart is racing, but they don't know that
I'm in a dress far too tight for comfort
I feel my body going limp, but if I fall the director will yell


She walks to me, smile on her face and glimmer in her eye
My mind goes blank, black
She talks, but I don't hear her, I mean I do
but its ******* my heartbeat
I force a smile, but my eyes are wide
The director comes over, tells me to talk
I shake my head
She pushes me on stage, spotlights blinding me
I stand there, forcing a smile but tears in my eyes
The director pulls me back
I tell her I can't do it

“But they love you! They love you!”
It doesn't matter
I can't do it
The tears run down my cheek


“They love you”
My ears ring
“They love you”
My chest hurts
“They love you”
My vision blurs
“THEY LOVE YOU”
My knees buckle
“THEY LOVE YOU”
I cant breath
“THEY LOVE YOU!”
I cant hear over the screaming
“THEY LOVE YOU. THEY LOVE YOU.
THEY LOVE YOU THEY LOVE YOU THEY LOVE YOU!”

Lead
I wake up and my head is as heavy as lead
The bed is hugging me tightly
telling me that if I stay, ill be safe
The bed drown me comfortingly
with the tears that I've wept

Sting
My eyes sting from the lack of sleep
they sting like my tears are poison
I walk to school obstinately
because I know I am part of a hoard fo depressed children
trying not to succumb to the urge to **** themselves
before the gunman does that job for us


Black
While I'm writing my 3rd essay this week
a black cloud suffocates me
its smoke climbing its way into my airway
turning into ink as it enters my lungs
I walk around with the cloud

Cry
I am trying to keep myself together
when we get a division problem
a simple equation that anyone could do
but I forget how to divide by 5
I feel the tears crawling from my chest
I start to feel like I cant breath
I choke down the tears

Pills
I have to take pills now
they help
I'm not ashamed of it
though I'm scared
I'm scared that if I run out
I'm going to hurt myself...
But I won't. I need to have confidence in myself

Please seek help

You worship at My shrine and give
Your sweet and labored love
You tell Me “i’d give my whole life to You”
And “I only want to be held by You”
I look down and swallow it whole
It is not enough
Though ripe and plump
And full to bursting
It is not enough

Is it fair of Me to ask a mortal to feed My thirst?
Is it fair that I look for a different taste
A better fruit then what anyone can offer
You built My temple and made Me whole
But it is not enough
And your fruit is simply too sweet

If I demand you to wait
While I look for a better taste
Would you?
If I told you to kneel
At My holy shrine
Until your knees bleed
And your fruit rots
I know you would