I’m awakened with fluttering eyelids,
warmth already draped over me—
tendrils of light reaching,
bursting into every gap they find.
Beckoning me closer,
into the bright,
basking in the touch
that leaves spots on my skin
where I’ve been kissed too much.
A little note for down the road.
We flirted too long, but did so with ease.
Now I’m left in an ever-blushing state!
Oh! The Sun is such a tease!

What a noble thing it is,
to leave a blossoming flower to bloom—
maybe plucking a leaf or two
to give growing petals precious room.

As you stroll past the blooms each day,
you encourage their budding hues.
Their fragrance greets you,
hugging you in their delicate perfume.

Soon a familiar chill meets you;
and a familiar grief settles within you.
As the blossoms wilt,
your steps grow slower,
hoping to cling to just a moment of color.

Soon to be surrounded
by Death and Decay,
even if only for a while—
Pondering an earthly truth,
as true as the birds sing:
Nobody gets to keep
a beautiful thing.

I’ve always looked at birds
with the sort of jealousy
that can only be felt
by a creature who’s stuck to the ground.

I’ve clawed at my shoulders,
I’ve left welts on my back.
Still…
There’s no wings to be found

Wishing for bones
that are deft and hollow,
while carrying ones instead
filled with blood and marrow.

No feathers protrude
from beneath this skin.
Just a humanly ache
that the birds cannot borrow.

I wake to fairy bells and even breathing beside me.
The sun looks groggy, and steal its face as I rinse my own.
Quiet tiptoes pirouette through the kitchen,
silent hands pack lunch in glass boxes.
With three kisses goodbye, and the twist of a lock,
I spend the day in this little box.
I have the freedom to do anything in this luxurious cage.
Whatever my heart desires
is at my fingertips.
Fingertips move with a technical grace,
finding the image in the wood to trace.
Sitting at a laptop, typing away,
hoping to feel pride of the self one day.
The sun sits high and now so am I;
as I bake breads and cookies at 375.
I’ve cleaned up Hot Wheels nine times today,
but they're all out again,
as I watch the boys play.
Evening comes, and love comes home.
Dinner and a movie, a nightly routine.
A few hours with my brother
is better for us both than it seems.
The stars lay glistening
as I lay listening
to the thuds in the chest
that I memorized long ago.
A few Hail Marys lull me,
as I hear the next day call me.

The laundry needs done.
And I'm in my bed.
Laying, sobbing, and mourning;
A life that will not come to pass.
Despising a body born more than imperfect.
Preparing to force a certain brightness to the surface.
Questioning, what else can be done?
The laundry.
The laundry needs done.

The cornfields whirred by, as your voice droned, monotone in my ears. This fifteen minute drive was the longest of my life; every Wednesday, always twice. To the Church of the Immaculate Conception, where sinful women would teach me about my own impurities– before handing me off to the demon who dropped me off. She would ask me what I learned. I could never muster the enthusiasm to prevent the lecture. Now, she's angry at her ex-husband, shrieking at me because I clench my jaw the same way he does.
The ritual ends as we pull into the driveway. The house and the church smell the same to me. Incense smoke coils near the high ceilings. My bottom bunk greets me as the pillow begins soaking in tears of defeat.
“God, I've prayed in your house. I've prayed in my own. I keep calling out. You keep leaving me alone.”

I learned how to be the cool girl
Because I wasn’t cut out to be a school girl.
Meditated on being the chill girl,
Because nobody likes the high-strung girl.
Tried out being the party girl.
I can’t swim, so I never was a beach girl.
Always making friends, so I’m not the hard-to-reach girl.
I like being the artsy girl,
The make anything she sees girl,
The changes her mind about who she wants to be girl.
I don’t think I’m a 9-to-5 girl,
But I think I’m an eating berries in the forest girl,
A singing music in the park girl.
Saw darkness but overcame it, girl.
An obstacles never stopped me, girl.
Enforces her will on the world girl.
A love you for your whole life girl,
A couldn’t hate you if I tried girl.
I learned to be the cool girl
By just being my own girl.