You never looked at me when we were driving.
I got so tired of it that I said your name out loud (just so you would look at me)
Oh god, the way that it smashed the silence,
I squinted my eyes and blinked

You picked up your eyes
turned your head
and looked at me, confusion pouring out of your open mouth
“What?”

Later as we walked down the middle of the street I reached for you and you said
“something’s come between us”
with a smile stretching over your mouth.
It was the soap in the palm of your hand

Right when you were looking down, I looked up
[                                              ]
when you kiss me, let it be
*let it be once

It arrived in silence.

The sound came after
the suffering,

after the pain had nested quietly
within the cold cage
of bone,

after the heart was brimming
with the burden
of you.

There could be no resolution
because the beginning
was broken

and so our story
could never

bloom.

"I don't want you to love anyone else but me,"
Lips scabbing at the idea of saying out loud:
I write it down.
beauty
           the way your legs bleed when you shave
           and how young you are
                                                   when it's time to say sorry.
Madison Gregory, I waited for you.
you told me your name like you meant it
you told me your name because I told you mine
Madison Gregory, you don't exist.
                                                      I'm afraid because I talk to you
because I think of you
                                    killing me with thunder
                                    killing me with touch
stop me from being tender
stop me from being myself
you're so dark, your head turned away
backwards                                              you whisper
                                                         ­       and stutter
repeating the name your mother gave you
repeating: "Jesus" (about everything) "Jesus"
                    "I'm sorry" (about everything) "I'm sorry"                        
you look perfect. don't      
                              say sorry (about anything).
as your mother: I forgot about you when you went to school
                              but I still made dinner when you got home.

Twisted dried and withered up I took you out
and laid you down to rest
A little tear slipped from the corner of my eye
when i said goodbye forever
I thought of all the dark winter mornings when
the only light \i saw was yours
You were a big presence in my life, strong
forceful and sheltering
You received all my black moods graciously
and drove them into the earth
You were the one constant that I was sure to see
in the morning unchanged
Until the faithful week that brought with it
the glistening black frost
I wrapped you tightly, securely to protect you
for you were not built to feel such cold
I cried in disbelief the day you died as the
bewildered birds sat on your bare branches
and sang a dirge for you.

Blooming lily white,
a sweetness transcending Death -
embrace me this night.

I follow you close.
No eyes, just heart till the day
Lemmings pirouette.

You told me I was **** when you touched me
on my chest and stomach,
but I am sure that I wasn’t **** at all.

I have memories of you
cradling me like a lion with his cubs,
except there was nothing paternal
to your touch or words,
and I felt no safety when I was
in your bed.
Not even when you told me not to worry,
not even when I came to you
to escape my nightmares.

You didn’t seem to understand
that you simply led me into new,
scarier ones.