Every morning I wake up

So sad you are not my girlfriend,
So deeply sorry I hurt you,
So angry I didn’t stop myself,

So afraid you are entirely done with me,
So grateful you still take my calls,
So determined to get you back,

So clear you are all that I want,
So relieved you are all that i need,
So resolved that i will never risk losing you again,

So certain I can make you so happy,
Knowing i will never again make you so sad,
So ready to put my ego aside and beg you to let me show you,
So hopeful you will one day say yes,

Words drawn in Sharpie across a middle aged bicep.
Temporary permanence on a sagging icon of power
The mixed message of delivery doesn’t dampen the truth
of the words, "Everything will be OK"

Can that be reassuring? 
That promise of middling circumstances. 
Or is ok enough?

Bring me the equilibrium of contentment
after the whiplash of euphoria and pain. 
Suspend me in gelatinous stasis
after the boiling and cooling of formation.

Amazing is only for a moment.
Awful is, until it isn't.
OK is enduring

He is off to devour the babysitter

No need for shoes in the summer heat

No need for pants inside the house

Three steps at a time, tiny claws awhir
Tyrannosaurus teeth aching to crunch the bones of his Brazilian prey



Sometimes I remember to move carefully around his loud, joyful willingness

Or I don't remember

And tear a fat chunk of adventure out of him with a stinging rebuke



But he is a T-Rex with two tons to spare

You found me churning,
Bouncing up and down
As I rolled dramatically downhill.
You knew what would be better
And calmly intervened

You took hold with confident hands
And bent my trajectory
Up into U shaped happiness

The highs and lows have softened
The amplitude modulated
The direction now up and forward

I want you with me on this gentle arc
Our slopes equivalent
Our speeds matched

Ahead I can see
sunny days on lakes
crisp mornings in the mountains
Autumns on golden ponds.

Our path winds by popped corks and caps thrown,
New suits for social media internships,
Wedding toasts and father-daughter dances.

We will share new houses with old friends,
Co-ed baby showers with pink predator t-shirts,
Bad poems at retirement parties.

I could not see these things if it weren’t for you
Thank you for bending my curve

So sweet, the man without hands or feet
He is the spitting image of my daughter's ideal
Tie, briefcase, portly belly
Perfectly powerful
If only I (and she) could keep this picture forever

Stock stone still we wait
Frozen until we are sure
we heard simon says

I wake up
with you on my lips,
but it's only your name
and not your kiss.

I dreamt of you,
and I can’t get back
to our unconscious innocence.
I wish we had not woken.

The crack lets the light in.
Pitiless beams expose my lies,
and reveal your absence.
Regret is making coffee in the kitchen.

Earthy smell of your skin spread across the sheets
Curled up with your tan litheness, I watch
Green block letters on your t-shirt rise and fall.
Wishing it was more than your breath propelling them up and down,
I curse my own heart for swelling

The photo breathes joy
I leave it out. It urges
me to be better

Every night I want
to talk.  For you I hold back
despite the nausea

The fog's now cleared, and
will not again enshroud my
view of your gold gate

There’s a reason why
dancing under moonlight is a cliche.
The euphoria is relentless

Pink behind the rising moon
Your hipbone beneath my right hand
knees clash to Latin percussion
Together we count  
1 2 3…5 6 7

Trading vulnerabilities over pork and pasta,
I feel, for one awful moment,
The pain of my daughter’s contempt
You reassure a mother after being kicked by her child
123...567

Supine silence on yellow grass mats. Faint from heat
I feel sad when you recount
how I charged your phone first
You deserve kindness.  I am kind
1 2 3…5 6 7

Your laugh resounds above all
A solo from the audience
As proud and loud as any Jazzman’s improvisation  
encouraging us all to do better
1 2 3…5 6 7

Earthy smell of your skin spread across the sheets
Curled up with tan litheness, I watch
green block letters rise and fall.
Wishing it was more than breath propelling them up and down,
I curse my own heart for swelling
123...

Frost is longing.
I longed for the thaw as soon as I saw
Icy blue eyes and a navy Patagonia
Reflected up from a small square of light.

Longing to see you but settling for bantered texts and drunken facetimes
That only make me long to know you more.

Longing to clasp your neck and pull you to me,
Over a copper table in candlelight.

Longing to collapse twelve days into one
So we can take the next step down a path
Of myriad possibilities.

Frost is two roads not yet contemplated.
We have barely set out.
There will be many chances to diverge,
Each one a "what could have been."
But now there is only one reality -
A fantasy of who I want you to be
Whatever we will be, we will never be this.

Frost is nipping at my nose
With teeth like wintergreen chiclets.
I have eaten roasted chestnuts.
Seduced by the smell,
I am always disappointed by the taste

Yet, ever optimistic, I try again.
And again I come closer
To making fantasy real.
All we can have is close enough.

Frost is on the window.
Scratch with your finger to see through.
Delight in how it rolls under your nails before it melts.