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You are my “Former”
As in used to be
As in the past
As in it’s okay for you to date her
As in I don’t mind seeing her show back up in your life
As in I don’t wonder if she knows that I exist at all
As in it doesn’t crush me when I remember our beginning, not so far from our ending
As in I have had months to be okay with this
As in I don’t cry about could have been’s
As in I don’t feel stupid for thinking I could have held a candle to her
As in I didn’t really believe it when I said we could have a future even after the breakup
As in I haven’t picked apart every flaw that sits within me that I have no way of actually knowing are absent in her
As in I wasn’t really thinking that our post-breakup hook ups meant anything
As in I knew people don’t work like that anymore
As in my heart doesn’t break when I think about her kissing you
As in of course I know we said I love you too soon and we couldn’t have known what we were saying
As in it definitely is okay for you to go back with her
As in it’s not like it’s only her that bothers me
As in it’s cool that I knew this the whole time
As in I don’t care that I could hear it in your voice when your eyes glassed over the sound of her name
As in I really really really don’t mind
As in, sure, I’ll be fine, I didn’t mind being second best
Again.
It breaks me seeing her back in your life,
Mostly cuz I had once thought she was your past
And I was your future

I didn’t know
She was your everything
And I was your nothing at all.
I was stirred awake by a sound so familiar
A cry barely audible through closed doors
Gently I removed her head from its home
Nestled close upon my chest
As not to disturb an angel from her slumber,
The rest a mother so dearly deserves
I rose to my feet, a guardian to those I love
Feeling as I always have before, a need to protect them
With subtle steps I crept over to the room adjacent
Expecting to find only a child, teary eyed and alone
The cries were louder now, but the bed empty
A fear rose over me, for the boy’s only two
Franticly I searched through the closet and clutter
My heart beat quickly against my chest
I lifted the mattress, greeted at last by bright blue eyes
My hands wrapped around tiny wrists
Pulled him free from his hiding
Picked him up with relief like none I’d felt before
Held him tight in my tattooed arms
And he rested his head upon my shoulder
But the tears still they streamed
I could feel their cold trails
As they rolled down my bare back
I rocked him the way she had so many times before
Promised him everything would be alright
He clung fast to me, I could sense he’d found safety
And soon the tears ceased to flow
While his mother was sleeping I was proud of myself
Taking care of my family, everything just felt so right
As I basked in the moment and whispered to him
Suddenly, slowly, he lifted up his little head
Turned toward the door and then he said, “Mommy”
And surely enough through the crack she was there
Watching her man with her boy in his care
I could see in her eyes that she’d found all she’s wanted
In those few short minutes, in that little room
She had seen all the wonder that I had felt
If reality is far better than you can imagine
There’s no need for sleep when real dreams can happen
When you told me that you didn't make promises I didn't think anything of it.
It was only when my mouth was filled with gravel and blood, when I tried to lean on you, that I realized that this was what you meant.
The longest day
I've ever known
was the one I
wasted
waiting
for you to miss me
People say I've lost weight
but it's just that
I'm only hungry for
You
And you're gone.
I just can't fathom the idea that one day's "Just not in a talking mood" expanded into two weeks of heartbroken silence
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