Hands over my ears and my eyes are clenched, there's too much noise.
Head on knees and knees to chest, my body wants to absorb itself.
I'm surrounded by screaming, and it's my own voice, myself from a time before.
"No"
More than anything
"No."
My heartbeat expels all of the air from my lungs, and they won't fill back up
But I am still screaming.
It's as if snakes are slithering across my bare chest, and my eyelids burn as I lock them tighter.
There is no way out of this, but it feels too big to survive.
Now along with "No," the voices are screaming "Run."
A command that echoes through every cell in my body.
Every hair is on end, every nerve is alert.
My muscles ache to move, as my heart pours blood through every limb.
But I am still frozen,
Tangled in a heap of myself on the ground.
Since my body has failed me, my mind bears the weight.
Speeding through every option, every possible source of control
Slamming sharply into blame.
Because if this is your fault then I can walk away
I can leave you, thinking I'm free from the pain.
But this isnt your fault; this isnt you.
My fear is my own and leaving wont change that.
It's my voice that says you'll leave.
Mine whispering that I dont matter.
The voice of a terrified child with no control, The erratic and panicked thrashing of a traumatized brain.
My thoughts are a symphony of terror and understanding,
Fear, and the awareness of it.
I want to build connection with this brain inside mine.
So I will sit here and listen as she screams.
Absorb the bullets of fear and shame, aimed at myself.
I will hold space for this neglected part of me.
I will honor the part I have always blamed.
It isn't her fault, and her truth isnt mine.
And although I feel everything,
We both deserve peace.

One day I'll come back for you
Break down the walls and bring you home
No locks can hold this love back
I'll go through the window if I have to
We could try to leave quietly
But I want the world to know our love
We're a force when we're apart
Imagine that power together
Everyone will have something to say
But I only care about you
They'll think we've been here before
But they have no idea
Our souls have known forever
Just waiting for us to see
Since the day that we met
You're forever a part of me

Moments with you feel ethereal
When your hand rests on my chest
We're skin to skin but
You touch my heart with ease
As my fingertips trail your cheek
Gently tracing the lines of your face
I am breathing in every detail
Aching to memorize all of you
This connection is magical
Our energies dance in tranquility
And the breathtaking depth of your soul
Brings me to my knees
I've never known a love like this
Never collided so gently with another
You are a once in a lifetime love
And I'm grateful I found you in mine
I want to give you the universe
Because you mean all of them to me
Although time has never existed here
I hope our souls meet forever

Ice burns my chest
As I scramble to find a heartbeat
Frozen bones against cold skin
I feel my pulse echo into me
I know I'm still alive
But inside it's only emptiness
Fires raged within me once
Leaving behind nothing but ash
My heart, my soul
Blown away in the wind
I am lost and alone
Free, but still the same
My body aches at the memory
Of shackles holding me down
I never knew my escape
Could cause this much pain
Simply trapped in new binds
I don't know what freedom is
Life is a sick and twisted game
Where I get to choose my path
But what good is a decision
When it all leads to death
I cannot picture my future
But my past is loud and clear
How can I keep moving forward
When I'm barely a part of the present
I know I have to build my own life
But all of the tools are breaking
What a privilege it is
To pick my own poison

Words fail me
I don't know what I feel
I want to fade to nothing
And let the silence consume me
So many perspectives
I don't know which is true
Maybe all of them are
But then what?
They tell me I'm good
While my guilt swallows me whole
Rule one is do no harm
And I've shattered that
They say it's being a human
And I guess that's true
But if I can do anything to help
Then I'd like to
Where is that fine line
Between values and pain?
I don't owe it to them
But I feel like I do
If getting burned makes it better
At what point do I quit?
Do I hand over the matches?
Soak my soul in gasoline?
Pain for pain seems so fair
I made mistakes and I have to own them
But does letting myself burn
Really help anyone?

I love you
And I miss you
And you're barely gone.
I'm worried
And afraid
That you'll walk away.
And if you do
I'll understand
Because I do.
This isn't easy
Life is really hard
We are so so tired.
If I could
I'd give you peace
And all the good things.
And I can't
But I'll try
Until you tell me to go.
Your soul is art
Your existence is a gift
Thank you for letting me in.
I love you
So if it's best for you
I won't make this difficult.
I won't fight you
If you tell me
You can't handle me anymore.
Just know that I care
So much for you
It's beyond words.
I swear
I'd love you forever
If I get the chance.
I wish it was easier
And this didn't hurt you
My love and my light.
No matter what happens
I hope that you know
How important you are to me.
I am here for you,
And for always
I hope you have sweet dreams.

My palm pressed to your chest
I connect to your energy
Your heartbeat, warm and familiar,
Is the rhythm of love and of you
You glide your nose along mine
A soft connection of energy
I am brought to my knees
By such simplicity
The way that you smile
When I tell you you're pretty
That freckle on your hand
I can't help but kiss
I'd hold you in my arms forever if I could
As our souls sleep hand in hand
I breathe you in like nicotine
And I want to give you everything
Support, peace, and space
Safety, love, and grace
You've shown me new parts of myself
And I want to return the favor
Together we can grow and explore
A world unknown that feels like home