All I wanted
Was an I love you.
That didn’t sound like an apology.

Make love like an apology.
Shop for groceries like an apology
Hold me, like an apology
Eat your dinner,
Like an apology
Watch TV, like an apology
Take a shower, like an apology
Brush your teeth, like an apology

Fall asleep,
Dream of a life where you don’t have to feel so lonely.
When you say I love you
I say I’m sorry
I wanted a love that felt like celebration.
All you knew how to do
Was feel guilty,
For not wanting me anymore,
But refusing to go.

Seafoam green
Blond waves
Crashing
Into weary seas

I saw an entire ocean
In your eyes
Your gaze could move mountains
But calmed the storm in me

A lone lighthouse
Your heart was a beacon
Guiding me home

But an albatross
Won’t make a nest
Until it finds a mate
And it’s hard to swim
In a hospital gown
All you can do is drown

You can’t reach the ground
What I would give to hear the sound
Of your voice
One last time

When asked how I feel about men
I have come to a reply
That is at once concise and yet insufficient
But I say
Men make me wish I didn’t have a face.
Make me contemplate how much easier it would be to be a featureless blob
Men turn the phrase “flesh prison” from meme into reality
Men make me feel less than human
Men make me feel helpless
Bound tight within a world that tells me
The struggle is futile
Your cries for help will be silenced
Men make a mockery of beauty
They smother and crush all that is precious in this world
Men make me want to light this body on fire
Just to watch them choke on the smoke.

I want to wake up to you every morning
And kiss you before bed every night
I want to hold you when I want to
Just because it felt right
I want to tell you how much I love you
With my hands when words just wont suffice
I want to keep you
I've waited so long to meet someone
Just like you
Just, you

I would argue that to miss someone is a form of grieving.  So many of our emotions are related to a sense of loss however real or imagined.   Although we may be able to conceptualize that a separation is temporary that fact may be of little solace to one's body.   To long for someone is synomnous with grief. Desire is rooted in a want for something that is lacking.   To miss someone is to ache for them.  To both reject the notion of being parted and to be compelled to correct this error.  Yet we so often can not.   Our bodies protest.  They cry out for regularity,  to right this wrong, to motion to correcting this sense of loss.   Perhaps this is why I feel justified in saying that parting from you is a little death that I am still grieving from. That I am attending a funeral no one else can see.

It's not like missing you
It's a withdrawl
It feels so consuming and yet
I witness it all with a clinical understanding

There's an emptiness inside of me
That moves to envelop the space
Where you once stood
Here I see myself
The quiet so much louder in your absence
I am reminded how disappointed I am in myself

my mental health has not been so good as of late
but I keep telling myself
it's alright
it's no big deal
it shall pass
and it does pass,
I tell myself that I should sleep
exhaustion weighing down on me
and yet my worry makes it impossible to sleep.
I am brooding.
Reminination is what they call it.
and so I am greeted with the fear,
the paranoia
of every could be.
My chest is aching
my heart beating too heavy
I tell myself that I am fine
it's not so bad
I wonder tho
what healthy looks like.

I’m starting to feel braver.
I am ready to reach out again.
Here I find myself asking if we could allow our love to begin.

I want to leave soft kisses where rough hands have been.
With your permission, I would like to pull you close to me and trace the curvature of your skin.

If our desires do align, it is my hope that we would take our time,
To savor every nibble and every bite.
Passion is after all, such a wonderful delight.
With your hand in mine, we can entwine
As we step onto the path to the divine.

I know this is a place where dark shadows may loom
Believe me, I have seen them too
But this could be something new, this could be a chance to bloom
Petal by petal, I ask for a chance, to melt into you like warm rays of sun
I can hold all of you, without crushing a single bud.

I don't talk about my self harm much
Because I can't do it without revealing
The depth of my desire
It's like,  how someone would talk about their favorite food,  or ***.
The scars on my body
Are a momento to the capacity
To turn pain into pleasure
An escape into which
I can dive
Flesh first.
They speak of sins of the flesh.
I would compare my urge
To gluttony,  or lust.
The thing about addiction tho
Is that it's a lot like walking a tightrope
Everything in balance
But theres no net.
I'm a self taught gymnast
Twisting myself to prove,
How far I can push myself
A mastery over my own body
And the,  click, click, click
That only knows one way to be silenced
I don't know how else to love my body
But to define it by what I can take from it
And I have a habit
Of being, oh so, very greedy
When I let someone love me
I find myself hoping
That they have enough hunger to consume me
 So that maybe
I wont,  devour myself.

So you wanna have a baby
But are you ready,
To give away parts of yourself you don’t even know exist yet?
You thought you knew what love is
But have you ever held it?
Cradled love in your arms
That kind of love will change you in ways you can not fathom
until it happens to you.
Be careful who you have kids with
They say,
But can you feel the weight?
I signed away my life on a birth certificate
I strangled my own heart with my own principles
I knew I wanted to love this deep
But I didn’t know what it would feel like
All I know, is that I don’t know when I last felt truly happy
And it’s still
Entirely worth it.

I’ve never been one what would call a “hopeless romantic”.
I am more of a hopeful romantic,
Like, I’m kind of skeptical, but I still hope all the things they say about love could be true.
I’m not a hopeless romantic,
But I still daydream about holding your hand.
I’m not a hopeless romantic,
But when I’m in bed with you, I don’t know if all my dreams have come true, or if I’m just dreaming
But I know I don’t want to wake up
I’m not a hopeless romantic
But I hope one day I find a way to articulate exactly how you make me feel.
I am not a hopeless romantic,
But I want you to know that now that I’ve met you,
I am no longer afraid to lay in the dark.
They say the human brain has as many neurons as there are stars in this galaxy.
I am not a hopeless romantic,
But I would like to lay beneath the open night sky,
So that I can show you how my brain lights up every time I see you smile.
I am not a hopeless romantic
But I am hopeful
Hopeful as in I hope that when a love song comes on, I never stop thinking of you
Hopeful as in I hope one day, I may crystallize what it means to love you
So that I know just how to keep your heart safe.
I am not a hopeless romantic
But I am full of hope.

Let love be thy sanctuary
Praise thy lover not merely with your lips,
But with your whole mouth.
If god is love, then your body is a chapel.
Treat your body like a temple,
But your thighs are the alter I would lay myself before
And if I were to be judged let it not be by my sins, but by the ******* I can give you
My love, if you are a church, then I will take evidence of god in every quiver
And if longing is nothing other than a prayer then we must shake the heavens when we come together
The big bang must have been an ******;
And if I could choose but one universe it would be you
If god is love, then this ecstasy is a spiritual awakening
And we are divinity

I resent my neediness.  
So, I put it in a box in the top of my closet where no one would care to pry.  I package my neediness in pretty bows and dress it up disguised as kindness.  My neediness parades around with a mask on its face.  Eyebrows raised in concern “is everything alright?” my neediness asks.  My neediness always texts back.  
My neediness knows that patience is a virtue, but it wonders why waiting so often feels like dying.  My neediness knows the value of laughter.  My neediness does not understand why we are supposed to hide our tears.  My neediness always wants that second serving of chocolate cake and my neediness is always down to cuddle.  My neediness does not understand what is so bad about wanting to be wanted.  My neediness just needs to feel needed.  My neediness does not understand what we are so afraid of.  
I am ashamed of my neediness.  
So, I clamp a hand firmly across its paper-thin lips.  I squeeze so hard that I cannot tell if it is the need inside of me that is aching or if I am simply breaking apart bit by bit.  I do not stop to ask if this is what suffocating feels like.  I press my hand so tightly… so very tightly… that the words “I love you” can never come out.

My power is one of silence.
Like the dam that stops the river
My stillness is one of purposeful design.
And when I think of drowning
I try to remember how mighty I am
To build a home on water
To still the flow just enough to find some quiet
I am the beast that would drag the forest into the river
Swelling the banks to swallow the land whole
And make it my own

I named her Hazel, after a tree, or a nut, or eyes I had yet to see.  It's ironic now.  Children run up to ask, "what color are Hazel's eyes? " "well they're Hazel". Her personal color, something special and all on its own.  In truth hazel is just a color,  just a tree known for overpriced nuts that taste good in chocolate.  But I wasn't worried of any of that.  I was searching for a feeling.  Hazel.  Warm as a breezy summer day.  Hazel, as comforting as a spot by the fireplace in winter.  Hazel,  with a bright smile who waves at all the strangers who forgot that a new friend is just a "hi my name is.." away,  "Hazel."
Old women always smile and say,  "that was my aunts name"... "you don't hear that name much anymore".
Sentimental and nostalgic, I wonder where that name takes them.
For me,  it just feels like home.

I like to imagine myself soft as down. All cream and pastel.
Much like a mama bird I would pluck the softest parts of me to build a safe place for you to rest.
Too stubborn to unburden myself of youthful idealism, but running short on feathers I find myself a fragile bundle of sharp edges.
I feel if I am not careful I could poke you, right in the eye.
But in this nest I've built for you,  crafted from the most tender, and pure parts of myself,  I find I can lay at ease.
Shielded from any storm or draft I take comfort in the soft wisps of your hair on by cheek.
Love is nothing new to me, but I have found there's no place like home. 
There was a time when I thought I knew how to carry that feeling with me. A time when nothing weighed heavy on my back. 
I have claws just as any other bird, but I am but a common wren.
For you I would give the world.  Even knowing one day,  you must leave our nest, to spread new plumage of your own.

Darkness Lingers Everywhere, in a smile, bared teeth.
It is cloaked in friendliness; a hand across the small of your back.
It presses forward with the guise of social incognizance,
A simple misunderstanding; It’s not a big deal.
Take your hands off me!
Darkness treads on broken promises and crashes through boundaries.
Darkness has a face, but it’s neither here or there.
He’s everywhere.
There’s a rage inside of me, that threatens to tear through my skin.
Anger will be my salvation.
Anger will turn a quivering hand into a fist.
My body speaks when words fail me.
Clenched tight.  Flailing widely.
Who dares to enter these hallowed grounds?
And act like they own the place.

You told me I was beautiful
Then you told me I was a *****
You told me you could change me
That you would leave me begging for more
You told me that you loved me
And left me lying on the floor

I told myself you were wrong
I told myself I was strong
It wasn’t me
It was you all along
But doubt is a heavy burden
You left me very uncertain
Behind closed curtains
I believed you when you said
No one else would want me

If you loved me
How could it hurt so much?
I told you to do it
You’d convinced me my life wasn’t worth enough
I was careless
So you hit me,
I was hopeless
So you broke me,
I won’t forgive you
But I choose to forgive myself

A feeling in the wrong place
Can only corrupt and erode
Like a meandering stream,
That leaves a scar.
Our lives do not flow so easy
There is cleavage,
But there is also fracture
Eradict and unpredictable.
We are not all prized gems
We are impure and complicated
Not so easily identified by the eye.
Closer to quartz and feldspar than diamonds,
Yet we long to posess
a promise of value
and so we pull this image close
We  reach out for order,
Hardness and grace
But it was not the stream alone that carved the canyons
There was a grand collapse,
And the stream was left to carry that debri away.

I lay my head upon my mother’s chest
And for a moment, I’m a little girl again.

I remember what it’s like for the whole world to stop
For worries to melt away like candle wax
My jagged edges smoothed by a warm embrace
It’s a feeling I’ve rarely felt since

Maiden, Mother, Crone
I watch the wheel of fortune spin
Daughter, Mother, Grandmother
Me, Myself, I
The passing of time I there observe in all its stages
In our faces
Growing old,
To be young,
The illusion dissipates when I look into the eyes of those who I love most
In those luminous pools I see more than a person, I see a mirror
I see my connectedness and yet
There’s an immense need to defend what is mine

I wish I could stay here
Just for a little while longer
But we are all just passing through
I can only hope, this selfish desire
Is justified

Every mind is a portal
to a different reality
and love, is a lot like window shopping
peering into the heart of someone,
you can never really touch.
If every mind is a portal...
then kissing you was like crashing head on into a mirror
fragile delusions
falling around me,
is that a shooting star?!
Take my hand.
You're composed of parts my eyes can not conceive
but I would walk blind,
if you would guide me.

They say feelings change but I don't think it's true.
Caught in the moment of me and you.
When something blossoms but there's not the chance to see it through,
So I keep waiting
Waiting for You

I imagine myself crafting a story.  You'll be a character, with a new name.  A reanimated corpse perhaps, but it will have to do.  This is my testimony to those moments that decayed long ago.  I loved you once.  Now your memory casts a shadow in my dreams.  I see a familiar silhouette just around the corner.  I reach out with a mirage of ***** fingers.  My love is like an old crumpled photograph that has been flattened, and embedded to the inside of my eye lid.  When I close my eyes I can almost make out the image.  I tired to rip out the photo, to put it in a more appropriate place, but maybe such a photo album would be an embarrassment and I'm afraid that I'm not dexterous enough to perform such a surgery and remain intact.  So, ink and paper will have to do.  Maybe if I darken the page enough your ghost can find a home there.  It's crowded in here.  I'm not sure if I have enough space to house the two of us forever.  I never asked for my mind to become a graveyard, after all.

When thank you for being there for me
Sounds like thank you for your pain
I have great respect for you
Sounds like I respect your sacrifice
But do I respect myself?
Letting others pull on my heart strings
Like some marionette doll
I am stiff and expressionless
Moving through the motions of daily life
It's a thin line
So easily snipped

I've always done my best to avoid exposing an ***** as vital as my heart.

Silly me
Trying to be logical about my feelings.

The fan is clicking above me
round and round it goes, shaking at its joints
jolting me with memories
in a span of time so distant
I might as well have stepped into another dimension
did I fall through a doorway looking up?
Was a swallowed whole in a rainbow blur?
And lastly, are ceiling fans hidden portals or is life simply one colossal joke?

Anxiety, pressure in my chest.  Can I breathe? My heart beating faster, hard enough to hurt. Racing thoughts in my head. Closing in on myself like claustrophobia, but its my own body that is too small. My fear too large, I'm concave not convex, like a sinkhole but I've got nowhere to go...
I can't escape. I become overwhelmed and I begin to shake. The air takes on a different feel. Is this the vibration of fear? It wiggles through me, a tingling upon and through my flesh. There's a gushing in my ears. Why is it so hard just to live?

But I am just a human girl with the desire to love and you felt more like love than anyone I had ever touched before.

I'm not sure long term romantic love exists and I'm not sure if I can put myself in the hands of passersby.

Here is my chance, to show myself, give the world a glance.
of what's behind this façade that I put on every day.
But truth is, I've always been afraid that when people look at me they would quickly look the other way.
I came from the bottom, I've worked my way up
that's not me bragging, things have run quite amuck
I'm ashamed of my past and I'm ashamed of the thoughts that come up when I'm alone.
The places I visit here inside my skull.
My feelings are such unruly little trouble makers.  I try to put on a mask and then pull away.  It's not that I don't want to be honest.  Though I know hiding the truth is a manipulation.
Truth is I want to be touched and reminded that I matter.
But what's the matter?
Like a little kid in need of attention? Love is a band aid for all the negativity that has been cloaking me without consent.
But truth is, I just need someone who will let me vent, who will listen without any judgement.
I run over the same thoughts what a bore.  These memories have become quite a chore but I faithfully put on this play every evening as I remember those moments that made me feel like life was okay a thing to be living.

The shadow hands still come for me.
But now I know I don't have to run.
I'll turn off the lights
Or step into the sun.

I won't be your side piece
A ***** little secret you keep hidden in
Your closet, like worn down shoes
I won't be walked all over by you.

No, I won't be some lie you tell to her, in the same breath you say I love you.
Sure I'm free to **** who I want but I won't be your "I ****** up".

I could tell myself that I made no promises and act like I am not part of the problem, but the reflection comes out quite clear, almost like holding up a mirror and I see
not just my own face, but all my excuses lingering on my lips where I would like to kiss...

You.
But what a foolish thing to do.
I know my worth.
And you are not worth it, not worth the deception and condemnation, not worth this pain and resignation.
But this is your fault!
and it is my job, to leave this, and walk away.

Our time has passed. We both know it, but we're clinging on to hope that things won't turn out between us like it did our parents. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to go to war, but I don't know ******* these feelings that spring up when you're with her.

We've got a little girl, sometimes I wish you cared more about her. I wish you cared enough about me, to give her the love she needs.

But that's why we are here. That and the fear of doing it all on our own. You think you can hide from me? It's her you adore.  I can feel it in your fingertips, I can taste it on your lips.

You're fooling yourself maybe, isn't it good enough that we can share a baby?
I don't want your scraps, your attachment when, your love lives fresh with someone new.

I touch you, but I don't feel you like I used to. I don't feel you like I could if there was any love between me and you.

Why couldn't you leave well enough alone? You've taken so much out of me, can't we just move on so we can get along ?
Living with you never played out how I wanted. Loving you has left a sick feeling in my stomach.

Please free me from these shackles. I don't want to be drawn back. This bond has to be completely severed. So I can live with you, as you're loving her.

I'm not always who I want to be, but I'm trying constantly.
I'm not the best at anything, but my heart is mostly pure or at least I wish it would be.

Overcome with pain and rage
You were suppose to be there for me but
You never were.
You claim to love me, but
You don't know the first thing about me.
Mom, yout internalized sexism
Has me constantly on the offence. Bombarded by the constant "reassurance"
Of my worth through the power of my hips.
No power in my lips. No power in my words.
You won't listen, you think my feelings are absurd.
Day in and day out, you pressure me and expect me not to pout.
I'm full of doubt? You want me to know the ***** things I spur between men's ears?
I am disgusted, where once I would have trusted
You. Back again with your defense of man and belittlement of me and who and how I am.
I won't smile and say thank you. No. *******.

I'm so afraid to be myself that I
find that I am in a constant state of self-restraint and I'm
too afraid to instigate
a moment of honesty.
I know that when left unchecked my words come out like vemon and I'm
so afraid to be myself that I
stutter and quiet I shut the shutters and I,
lock myself inside a house that I'm
desperate to share with someone else.

Each night it is the same.  I whisper your name as if to somehow save myself from this pain.
It's inside me, like some parasite that feeds and feeds on my greed.
I want you, but it's not a need.  That's what I tell myself, but I'm down on my knees.

Can you help me? I gasp as I realize that I can not breathe.  Can you help me?  I know better than to plead, but I can't seem to get up off my knees and I find myself starting to bleed.

Do you see me?  How could you?  I'm invisible in my silence, in my anguish, but I'm just a child.

I'm just a child.

Did you give it a second thought?  When you left? Used and discarded and left here to rot?  Let's hope not, but weather it be ignorance or maliance you've done it and I'm bitter and spoiled.
A little brat, I'm bruised like a piece of fruit. You took a bite and decided the flavor was not for you? You threw me and here I've landed in the dirt. Is this my worth?

No, more than what you've took.  One day I'll stand again. I'll withstand it all and bloom once again.

I want to tell you that I love you.  But I am worried it would be a mistake.  That uttered from my mouth these words would send you away from me.

I love you.

Words I’ve kept close to my heart.  Shut in my mouth.  Too many times I have buried them when  looking at you. So often in my life I have kept them to myself, but everyone knew.

I love you,

Spoken with my eyes and with my touch, but I still wonder how could I ever be good enough?

Language is nothing but a tool.  Imperfect and riddled with error, but with the power to take a thing and crystalize it into reality.

I often question the harm those words could do.

I love you.

But do you, love me too?

What is this thing I am aiming at? What is love at all when still experienced individually? Could love be the thing that closes the gap between you and me? Or will it forever be a fabrication of animal minds, pre committed to this illusion of separateness?

Thing is though…

I love you

I keep getting older
But she always stays the same
The girl in my dreams
Who never seems to go away

She's here because I love her
That's a thing that could never change
She's here because I want her
But things didn't turn out that way

This haunting has got me all twisted
Caught up in my own thoughts
But this story that I'm weaving
Is lacking a subplot

She comes to me when I'm sleeping
Casting this spell on me
And I can't help but be compelled
To play out this fantasy