I have violent thoughts

I hate and hold grudges on you all
For not acknowledging me

And talking to me

Like my talk is cheap

But I can't let you all take control of me

I can only push myself to the brink

I can only break myself under pressure

You are just my psychological limitation

You are my negative motivation

But not why I positively persevere

I will not let you occupy a vacancy in my mind without paying an outrageous lease

I don't want to snap

Because control is the only thing i have this far

And if I do

I will give whoever is there everything

Every sarcastic remark thrown at me

Every unfair criticism

Every smug remark

Everything I didn't want to hear

And everything they didn't deserve

Beat me ****** with sticks and stones

Break every bone

Leave me conscious enough to tell me it's my fault

Then slander what I have left as a human being

What's a word without power

What's an idea without a motive

Watch the steps you tread

The steep path can lead you to what he or she said

While the truth discriminates

And the reality that we all search for doesn't exist

Freedom and unity can't be forced onto the same plane

Those with the power to send their malicious intent

You sully my docile side

So when tears form my rage and release my wrath on a stubborn mule of a man

By nature

I didn't really want to do it

Silently sobbing in the corner shackle as I have given the confession to the act I committed

Emotional distraught

Being taught

To never point the finger

Logically perplexed

Watching

These acts being committed

It angers me

So blame me

Longing for an intimate connection

But I don't have patience for emotional misconceptions

Hording what you call love

At the pinnacle is just numb

A mental blockage that needs a shove

To cooperate with the blind, deaf, and dumb

When you can see, listen, and communicate

Can darken what you're try to illuminate

Fickle misunderstandings dwell in physical connections

They oppose the facade of mental perceptions

Which lead the spirit to deceptions

If this is focusing because of the poetic logic

I only love you physical so you can put it mentally behind you

I'm scared of being in this position the rest of my life

Anxiousness tightens when thoughts of the future arise

Success scares me more for I suffer from complacency

In this frivolous pursuit

The journey is worth more than the destination

But its not worth the wait to travel forever

Choices choices

Why so many

Death ought to feel like this

Instead of the sweet escape it claims to be

I feel ill and a bit sleepy

As the saying goes

I'm sick and tired

But I'm sick and tired

Of being sick and tired

Living as a child was easier

Wishing to be older

Wanting to experience wanting to learn

Then when you get there

It was just another lie

The biggest lie

The only real lie

Now like me you're stuck between doing nothing, doing something, or doing everything about it

Whatever it is doubt it

Don't let it live

Because everyone has something to say

From June to may

You'll hear it all hoping for a simple happiness or a simple death

While every day you wake up absorbing the stress

And when you get to your destination it doesn't feel real

As most dreams don't

That's me everyday

Every night

No one knows what actually goes on

Even I can't figure it out

But the more I tend to reach or think about my success

The more it stresses me out

Autumn the struggle of orange in red flow with warmth before winter's might

I hit rock bottom once i hit the bottom of the bottle It's getting cold. And I'm just not alright.

Pursue me otherwise

till then I'll drink this bottle with numb regret

There's nothing I can do after your mind's made and your heart's set.

So in the end I enter fugue

And wonder if anything's real that I know to be true

Someone once told me the color of love is the color of Autumn leaves

But Regret's the only feeling I get when watching them blow in the breeze.

Disclaimer

I know not what I am

If only for a second I remember it would be you I would blame for my disorderly conduct

And just maybe, my thinking's corrupt.
I shouldn't blame you for my self inflicted pain, But it's a strain not to wonder If those love colored fallen leaves are missed by the trees they fell from. Or if you'll miss me when I'm done.

Now reaching my heart is harder than carving my chest open with a jagged knife while the Serrated edges my human away from my chest
And I scream ****** ****** from the mess

It wasn't supposed to be that way but I did my best.
That what hurts the most is knowing my best wasn't good enough. That I'm not as good as the wrest of the stuff that serve your escape. It hits nerve that when with me you had to close the drapes. Your ***** little secret, had to keep my voice hushed. But now your voice is shaking and the color from your face is flushed. But i doubt I'll ever know what it is you're afraid of
Leaf.

This wisdom I attained formed my common sense

Which is now a situational technicality
Faint laughs and dull quips

As i finish the last bottle in pathetic sips

I write this last sentence with the color of autumns blood

Maybe I wont fall for it like the leaf's every autumns season