For my 11th birthday I bought myself the prettiest gift.
A paintbrush.
It was a shiny silver.
When I used it for the first time, I felt relieved.
The burdens fell off my shoulders onto my wrists.
I created the most beautiful crimson artworks.
I packed my burdens into fine lines, drawing the red of their weight.
I am an artist.
I am covered in my creations, from my wrists to my thighs.
Now, forever.

As I fall asleep
I hear the snakes hissing under my bed

I discovered them when I was a little girl
the first time one crawled up under my skirt

they left marks all over my body
scars I can't remove

I still find myself scrubbing so hard
trying to remove their mark

I still dream that they are all over me
I can't make them go away

in a couple months I will be eighteen years old,
an adult.
I have yearned for this day,
years and years..
I hear a tiny voice in my head:
"is it over now?"
and all I can do is mourn the loss of a childhood I never got,
but we're safe now.
it's over now.

There is a monster under my bed.
Hauting, screaming, hurting me.
It talks to me every night.
I believe it doesn't want me here.
It screams and cries, acts more like a child than me.
It smells of the bottles in the glass container.
It stumbles up the stairs.
It opens every window, let's the cold winter frost in and hopes it freezes time.
Instead, it freezes me.
I wait, behave, hope.
I stay silent so it doesn't notice I'm here.
Tomorrow it will wake me up.
Tomorrow it will attend a parent-teacher conference.
Tomorrow they will praise it.
"You did a good job raising her"
Tomorrow it will turn into my mother.
Tomorrow night, the monster returns.

how do I tell you
that with you I feel safe
the child in me clings to you like you belong to me
how do I tell you that I'm not in love
that I'm simply still a child
looking for a home, for safety
how do I tell you
that I started building a home for you in my heart
and I lit a fire to keep you warm
how do I tell myself
you don't belong here
I have to learn to save myself
instead of waiting for someone to give me everything
to hold that child in me
how do I tell you, how do I cry
how will I ever learn to say goodbye

I hate the word nostalgia.
It scratches the back of my throat as I say it.
The memory of a childhood.
Careless, free, happy.
Or at least, for them.
For me, it's a painful look back
To a time where I did nothing but survive
To happy moments
That were filled with silent rage and tears
Is comfort really comfort
If you know it's temporary?
Because,
I don't remember the last time I was carefree
Oblivious, yes. But not carefree.
I didn't know what was happening,
But I knew how I felt.
Unsafe, abandoned, cold and confused.
The pink walls of my childhood bedroom
The princess stickers on the walls
They they see what was going on?
Or did they close their eyes too?

with burnt wings
he flew away
boy of sunlight
now crowned with darkness
surrounded by broken things
now only filled with regret and pain

I don't know when
I don't know why

but I feel the ropes you had tied around me
have snapped

you still desperately tug at them
trying to get me back
trying to tie me up again

but my connection broke
your ties broke

I can finally move
I can finally breathe
I'm finally free

you shone so bright
I saw sparkles in your eyes
like the stars in the sky that night

now all I you feel is pain
your eyes are left empty
I'm sorry I left that day

we could leave
we could hide
but you're too naive
you think too bright
"everything will work out"
but the more you tell me that
the more I start to doubt

I've never stayed.
Until the end of time, I will be the life lesson, the phase.
Everything or nothing, refusing to be anything in between.
Forever the person everyone loves the most until they get tired of my devotion.
I give them all the love I have to give and destroy myself for them.
I build my world in their heart and let them bomb every brick I put in place.
Here I am, pretending I let them go.
But every single one of them lingers in my mind, none of them ever truly leave.
Besides, I'm pretty **** sure they wish my love was infinite.
And I could still be the undamaged girl they fell for.

The world is beautiful.
It is so much more than this room, than this house, than the pain I've been trough.
I can get out of here one day.
Good things are coming.
Love is out there.
Life is so much better than what I've seen so far.
And I will prove it to myself.

I am, in fact, painfully delicate.
I paint myself with a soft touch,
sweeten my words,
dress myself in silk and cotton, drenched in a suffocating vanilla perfume.
be gentle with me.
because I caged my heart, in fear of pain.
built a castle with the highest walls.
I suffer an endless craving for love,
but am to fragile to endure it

You've started to fall like snow into my mind
Covering everything
With a sparkling blanket
Of softness
The sun reflecting into my eyes
You are a trillion stars
A million lives we have lived before
Do you remember me
Do you feel this too?

when you remember the names
of dead poets
when you recite their works
read them before you go to bed
you make their endless effort to be immortalized
worth the sacrifice

All my life, I've sworn I would never marry or have children.
In a way, I felt it would make me seem stronger.
Buy it was a sign of weakness, and fear.
Because I knew who I was, what I was made for.
I was denying it.
Because I am here to love.
My hands were made for writing and gardening.
My mind craves to study history and languages.
My soul, meant to be with another for eternity.
And my heart, destined to be a mother.
I will not be great or successful, I will be me.
I will heal and nurture and remember.
I will love.

when I leave
would you remember?
when I run
would we run together?
when I'm done with everything, when I move away and change my name
would you still think of me the same?

the words don't reach us here
we could stay in this moment forever
enjoying the silence
breathing each other's air
not talking
barely moving
loving each other endlessly
maybe that's really all we need
maybe that's all I want

the second I found you my world got torn into pieces
I stood there, terrified, tears filling my eyes
you looked my in the eyes with a comforting smile
"it's alright"
"I've got pieces too"
we put our pieces together
and I think I like this world more then the one I lost

you made yourself bear the inevitable pain of making a home,
everywhere you look.
a place not meant for you, where you do not belong.
you attach yourself and deem yourself to stay there forever.
you do stay there, in your mind, in dreams and delusion.
you live in a hundred places at once,
except the place you live in.
you put that curse upon yourself .

your words used to flood my brain
you were my everything
the first person I ever loved
I wish I could tell you that
I don't love you anymore
I don't spend my days thinking about you
but sometimes
the tiniest thing reminds me of you
and I wonder
if you even remember me
us
what we used to be
what we could never be

I can't look
I cover my eyes in fear
I want to close this book
I don't wanna shed a tear
but I have to face this
I have to open my eyes
because just for today
without any lies
I wanna look in this mirror
and feel okay

no matter how hard I run
you always keep up
you always keep chasing me
everywhere I go
I used to feel comfort with you behind me
but now all I feel is anger
fear that you might put a knife trough my chest
but I can't turn around
I can't face you
I can't tell you to stop
because then I won't know where you are
and no one will be behind me if I fall

I want to find myself again
I have participated in a rat race
I promised myself I would never conform to
I pray to whichever god above
To find back my peace
To write again
To stand still, and breathe
I want to be simply human
I'm exhausted
Of trying to be more than my soul requires

I'm watching myself
as I fall apart
I watch my bones turn to dust
I hear the failing of my heart
and I look around
they are smiling as they stare
because even when I'm dying
no one even tries to care

I'm waiting
for something, god knows what
maybe it's for love
maybe it's for acceptance
I'm just waiting
waiting for something
anything
to change me
to show me something different
I've been waiting for years
I'll be waiting until I find out what I'm waiting for

I don't want to return
my mind keeps going back
back to despair

I want to rest
can I just lay here?
maybe it would be the best
for me to just disappear

as the air flew trough the sky
and my mind wandered off
to a place I called home
a place I had never been before

your screams became quiet
and your eyes stopped cutting through my skin

and I flew
to a place I've always known
a forever
a safe
a home

a place you'll never be
a place I'll always be

Everything has changed
My heart included
Because even though
I'm surrounded by people who love me
I still feel like I'm alone
And my heart breaks with every snowflake that falls
And looking in mirrors still scares me
New years makes me think there's another chance
To dream again
Of something that will make everything feel whole, that will fix me
But when it comes around
And everything changes
I face the fact that my soul doesn't change
I will still be me
I just have to learn how to live with that

i got used to the patterns of cracks in my ceiling
to the sound of the dripping faucet
to the dusty countertops
to the shrieking wooden stairs
to the mold in the bathroom
to my mom in the couch
to the alcohol in the cupboard
to the drugs hidden behind the coffee bean jar
to the secrets behind closed doors
to the pain that's hidden in here
a familiar house
a familiar feeling
I got used to my childhood

My mother was always an overpowering shadow luring behind me
As I grew up, all I knew was not to end up like her
My family never looked away from me
The daughter of the disappointment
One part of me was born a disaster, the other a prophecy
To break away from destiny, to change fate
The weight grew heavy upon my shoulders
As I got older, they began telling me I had her eyes
Every time I gasped for air in the same way she did
Over indulgent, impulsive little girl
Those times I slip away from my own my own grasp
I see not myself but her in the mirror
Broken glass shards cut the soles of my feet open, a beautiful red paint emerges
And my childhood nightmares come true in the blink of an eye
I am exactly like her.

I used to convince myself you'd get better,
like after winter, flowers will bloom once again.
In waiting for the snow to melt,
the ice has encapsulated my heart.
Frozen in time, our house carries a silent testimony of our pain.
I have to get out, you know that too.
To find the summer again,
one must leave the winter in the past.
if you're not ready,
I will do it alone.

your politeness poisoned your words
like honey they slipped out of your open mouth
cutting your lips, like thorns of a rose
the crimson love in your voice hides the truth behind stained glass
it is killing you from the inside out

Your love tugs on me like a leash.
Keeping me close.
You say it keeps me safe,
but I can feel that it's choking me.
Why won't you set me free,
So I can let you go?
I don't want to be stuck here forever.
Like a chained dog.
Dreaming, choking, tragically loving you.
I can't forgive you, that's why I'm still here.
I want to believe you're still good.