The only person who has ever been there
In my moments of brokenness

Is four hundred miles away,
And I know
She knows
I love her.

And I know
She knows
I appreciate it.

But if I could give her the moon,
To keep her in my life,
I would have captured it within a ribbon'd box
By now.

Count each and every breath,
And break yourself trying to keep calm.
Try to figure out what parts of you are good,
And which parts of you are wrong.

Lose me within distractions,
I am but a fraction
Of the result of meaningless actions.
Harsh words and broken promises,
Made without compassion.

Listen up,
Because I won't say it twice.
I suggest you hear me out,
Though I won't promise that this will be
"Nice".

I'm an open book,
My heart on my sleeve,
But I'm opinionated and fiery,
Take it or leave.

I don't get walked on,
Without repercussions,
That's it, sorry sweetheart,
End of discussion.

And I'm sweet, yeah, okay.
But I'm the kind of person people search for,
I'm one of a kind,
You won't find any more.

And I'm loving,
I'm kind,
But there are dark things
You should pay mind.

Cracking knuckles
And bark from trees,
I'm no angel,
Don't think I am, please.

It's taken me a long time
To have enough self worth
To remain here happily
On earth,

But let's make it simple,
Let me make myself clear,
You can't break me--
I'm the strongest monster here.

Do you ever think the things that happen
to you in your life
aren't necessarily meant for you?

this is if you're of the persuasion that all things have purpose.

what if some of the things
that happened to you
were someone else's lesson
to learn?

and you just got caught
in the cross hairs?

and you're just,
oh, what do they call it?

Collateral Damage.

because that's the thing about fate and purpose.

it's not always flowers and friendship and heartfelt meant-to-be.

sometimes it's messy.

but so is life.

I want to lay my head on your chest,
I want to count your heartbeats,
I want to be by your side,
From now until forever.

But out of fear,
And learning from past mistakes,
I can't just drop what I have here
(Which is next to nothing)
To run away.

I can't keep running away,
It's not proper,
It's not lady-like.

I hope you understand--
I know running away was my idea.

But without a ring on my finger,
What am I really running to?

I can't make that mistake again.
I can't risk that much of myself again.

Please understand.
Please don't be mad.
I need some kind of back up,
Something to back up the decision,
Some type of proof I'm not going to be
Abandoned again.

I'm scared and I'm sorry.

So much love
In my heart
It over flows
And hurts.

I want so bad
To hold you close,
Alas,
I must wait,
But if I must wait,
I will cherish every second
I hear your voice,
And anticipate
Holding your hand
In mine.

Sip from your glass,
So high and mighty.
I'd like to make you
Swallow your teeth.

The current is calm,
The waves are slowing,
This is a calm before a storm,
A pause before I get going.

And darling, I'm yearning
To watch your soul burning,
As I'm sure it is.
There's fire on the surface
Burning through
Leaving nothing left.

The memories you left me with,
Keep me up at night,
Make me sick,
And I'm so sick of being sick,
This is why I told you not trust me
With a weapon in hand.

And
I'd come after you
If I really cared,
But I'm not that bitter,
Mostly just offended by your
Childish nature.

Leave me out of it,
Out of your life
Away from you.
I'm nothing to you,
As you're nothing to me.

There's blood in your water,
The oldest omen in the book.

Toxic VS. Toxic,
Hey ***, it's kettle.

Blood in your water,
Poisoning your lungs
Your veins
Leaving your black heart
Oozing black lifeless
Emotionless goo,
As you don't have a hope
Nor a heart
Nor a kind little lie,
Left in your dull head.

I stayed up until midnight
Last night
Worrying about whether or not
You know
That I love you.
About whether or not
You know
That I'd never ever come between you
And who raised you.

Wondering if you know
That I'm not like that.
That I'm not so terrible,
I promise.
I would never insinuate,
I would never dare imply
Anything like that.

And while I understand
What you said was driven by frustration
At my inability to move past
The things that have been done to me,
The things that have I have seen,
And my own doubting of my worth
In comparison to how much you should
Care for me.
And while I understand that,
My heart hurts,
To put it in the simplest of terms.

I know you love me,
I do not know or understand why.
But I know you do.

I fell asleep last night,
Crying into your sweatshirt,
My fingers tangled in the wire of my earbuds that were in your ipod,
Hoping that if I tried hard enough,
I could imagine that the ipod and the wires
Would be your hand and fingers
Laced with mine
As I drift into my nightmares.

I'm sorry and I know this doesn't make anything better,
But I'm scared and I need to know
That you know
I'd do all I can
To prove to you
That what matters to you
Matters to me.

Angelic deception
you'll never accept them
close eyes that are unseen and see a light
hidden within shadows
that will never grow quite
as bright
as the hope
within your chest.

lights burn out
and people burn like paper
but all in all
hope remains.

cowardly shyness
and the bravery to chew and swallow
rather than run and hide.
fear of being judged for
existing
and
living.

find
light
fight with
fire.
find love
fight with
hope.

And my head is spinning,
And I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe.

What am I supposed
To do,
I can't breathe,
I don't know what to be.

And I'm lost
And concerned
And I need someone
To help me find my head.

See, I've lost it,
In all this turmoil,
And now I can't
Find myself.

Will you help me?

You took my hand,
And I realized maybe I wanted
To hold yours forever.

You kissed each scar,
And I realized maybe
They're not so absurdly ugly.

And I'm crying
For no real reason,
Other than maybe
I would really like
You kissing my scars
Right about now.

And I really need to breathe,
I really need to calm myself,
But please love me again,
Hold me again,
Just like that.

If I told you that I'm not angry,
I'd be a liar.

And if I told you that a relationship is a two way street,
Would you even hear me?

I do a lot.
Maybe it all seems pretty small to you,
But I cook and I clean and I always greet you with a smile,
Even when you're being an ******* because you're stressed.

And I know I'm not perfect,
I know there's more I could do,
But I'm not a servant.

You could at least thank me,
Or do anything for me from time to time,
Instead of ignoring me for some stupid,
Poorly designed game.

Sounds like a challenge,
But I promise I'm a challenge.
I challenge all kinds of things,
Like rules and authority
And demands made unto me by others.
I also challenge things like
Societal norms and standards,
And laws of nature from time to time.

And then one day,
I thought I'd given in to my own
Preconceptions
And decisions and law-like
Negative affirmations about my life.

And then you come around
With a positive outlook
And a laugh that makes my heart full.

And when you touch me suddenly
The world lights up
And my skin feels like it's buzzing and warm,
When usually all is cold and filled with ice.
You touch me,
And suddenly I can see
The beauty in every flower,
And the life within even the smallest budding leaf.

And your eyes
Touch my soul,
In a way I've never felt before.
I want you to love me
Deeper than my bones,
And once you feel my soul,
Simply go deeper.

And suddenly I'm trying to breathe,
Because I'm left breathless
Just at words you say to me
And the way they dance circles
Within my heart.

And your kiss
Is the oxygen I need
To keep myself afloat,
And I'm trying here,
I really am.
But just kiss me one more time,
I promise that's all I need,
But I could stay within
The warmth of your arms
For eternity.
I could bask in the bliss
Of your kiss
For all of time.

People like to blot
People like me out
With heavy clots of
Black ink
Or white out
Depending on how much damage
They want to pretend I did,
And how often they like to
Throw pity parties
And how much proof
They want to have.

I take ownership
Of my sins
But don't try to make them
More than they were.

But with how often
I've been
Blotted out

It's easy to understand
Why I want you to
Remember my name.

It's easy to erase someone
From your memory
From existence
And pretend they were never
A part of you
Or you never a part of them

It takes great bravery
To look at the mistakes you made
And admit they were yours.

There's no right way
To hurt someone.

There are ways that are too
Cruel
And ways that are more
Gentle

But there is no right way
To break a person.
There is no correct way
To hurt them.

You can live your life
Feeling guilty and broken up
About what their twisted perspective
Has made you think you've done.

Or you can learn from it,
And move on.

If I may I suggest:
Burn the bridge,
Remember the inferno's heat,
And keep walking forward.

Bruises and scars
May wound my flesh,
But words destroy me.

And maybe it's not words,
But the lacking of them,
And the lacking of inflection
Or enthusiasm.

It's funny how
Words and injuries hurt,
But the things that destroy you most
Aren't even there.

Digging my nails
Into the flesh of my
Chest
Only to rip open my rib cage
And hope for the
Best.

There's a heart
I'm trying to show to
You
Because it's slowly healing,
And I was wondering if you could love it
Too.

My eye is swollen
From allergies but I can't look at it in the
Mirror
Because it reminds me of the black eyes I had
And if I don't look at it I can think
Clearer.

Today isn't the best day
I feel a lot like a
Failure.
My self esteem that I've built up
Is slowly depleting and I wish you could be my
Savior.

But I'm in this
Alone
And this battle is my
Own.

Blood drips from my open rib
Cage
I am waiting for you to sew me back up,
Despite my fear and all its' false
Rage.

I feel that you are up to the
Task
But in case you are not,
I should probably just
Ask.

I have been through hell and back,
And darling dear,
Trust me that the hell I've seen
Is something you would not survive.

And your surly lies
Leave me with laughter,
I cannot believe
Your audacious behavior.

You're a liar and a fraud,
And honey, I just call it like I see it.
I'm sure it was true to you,
But the truest of truths
Is not what you see.

The truest of truths
Does not paint you as a victim
Or him as a monster,
It paints you as psychotic
And him as naive.

Try
Your hardest
To paint images
Of him
Black.

You will succeed
In angering
The worst of the monsters
You've ever had the fear
Of imagining.

Your reasons for your fears
Are ungrounded,
But your fear
My dear
Is not.

Live well,
And be happy.
You deserve
Nothing more.

But try to poison
My thoughts once more
And you will never taste
Regret
So sweet.

I've got running away running through my veins,
But there's fire in my blood.
You're the only reason I stay,
And I hope you don't mind how I bloom and bud,

Within in the palms of your hands.

Bluebird,
I have running away running through my veins,
But you've got me wanting to stay
Here with you.
Bluebird,
I know it's slow and I know it's soon,
But look closely and watch me bloom.

And what can I say?
I love you so,
Do you even know?
There is night, just as there is day,
Filling me with color, when I once was grey.
But your heart makes mine grow,
Have you even seen how you make my eyes glow?
And now I can only pray,

That you know that all that I am,
Is for you and only you.
I will do all that I can,
To be yours and that is truer than true.

So I know
You know
That I believe in fate.

But please understand,
When I say I believe in fate,
I only believe that we are fated to do
The things we would just end up doing anyway.

So I want you to know
I would love you
In this world
Or that world
Or the one before
Or the one after.

In this universe,
Or that multiverse.

No matter the time
Or the place
I would find you,
And I would love you
Just the same.

I made the decision
To face my fears
And love you.

But I know that
I would love you
Whether I decided to face those fears
Or not.

Sometimes there are things
That are meant to happen.
And even if they weren't,
We would make them happen anyway.

Three hours
Fifteen minutes.
Counting down the seconds
Until I see you.

Today has been
One whole storm of a day,
And not the kind I was raised to
But never truly liked.

I've been feeling like crying
All day long
And things have only gotten worse,
But I know I'll see you
And I'll be okay
And we'll be okay
And the sun will set
And the moon will rise
And we don't have work in the morning,
So let's stay up and talk and laugh and whatever
All night.

There's no reason
I shouldn't be happy.
So **** this ******* ******* of a day,
I'm ready for this evening to begin.
Not letting myself cry because
Tears will ruin this dress.

I'd travel oceans
To be in your arms,
Even if I couldn't swim.

I'd gladly get into a helicopter
To see your smile,
Even though the noise would give me sensory overload.

I'd take the chance
Of being eaten by a Siberian tiger
In the middle of winter
If it meant I got to hear your laugh.

Though I do guarantee I wouldn't be eaten,
We'd probably become friends
'Cause animals are rad and so am I.

I hope you're safe
And I hope your day has been better than mine.

Three hours, seven minutes.

See you soon, Bluebird.

Let me be honest,
As I always am.

I'm here to tell you
That the ways you make me nervous,
With your voice or your smile,
Makes me feel like I have a purpose.

And I'm hoping to love you for all time,
And I forgot if I mentioned,
You drive all the good
That inspires my intentions.

You create thunder in my heart,
Put fire in my veins.
And your hand in mine,
It takes away the pain.

And how do you explain,
Your voice echoing all across my brain,
Spiraling in color
That keeps me dry from the rain.

And I could burn a thousand different ways,
And I'd still turn out just fine,
As long as I am yours,
And you are mine.

I lost myself but you found me.
I might not be able to always know what to say,
But you sure made
The day feel saved.

I can't bite back these words anymore:
Thanks for sticking around,
It's been nice,
Going from lost to found.

Trouble's the name,
Makin' up mischief is the game.

I wasn't the type of little girl
In perfect dresses
With big fancy print hand writing,
That was completely legible.

I wasn't the one
That boys had first crushes on.

No, I was the girl
Dreaming of fantasies,
Hoping for a someday,
Resisting the temptation
To run away.

I am the blood that pools in your mouth,
When you try not to gag from pain.
I've been there,
Done that.
Not again.

I'm the chalky taste of medication,
When you dry swallow it
And it gets stuck in your esphagus.
I'm the head ache after you try not to cry
After an hour long therapy session.

I'm the piece of gum
You chew to keep from having an anxiety attack,
But it's lost all flavor,
But you can't spit it out or you won't be able to breathe.

I'm an imagination
That goes a little too far,
I'm the not plausible,
The impossible,
The "I-want-to-save-the-world" complex.

But I'm also
The I-Will-Love-You-Unconditionally feeling,
And the smell of snow
Right before a blizzard,
And the feeling of knowing
Your fire place will burn and you have books to read
While the snow comes down.

I the burning of your hands
When you come in from the cold.

But you are
The relief when the headache from crying finally passes.
You are
The sweet taste of air
When the anxiety attack passes.

You are water
When dehydration gets the best of me.

You are the safety of a warm blanket,
When it feels like my world is caving in.

You are the familiar pulling sensation
On my heart
When I crave holding your hand.

You are the familiarity
Of autumn and laughter.

I may be the intensity of fire,
And the audacity of ice,
You are the temptation
Of watching the sky become a whole color
When the sun sets and fades into night.

You are the perfect balance
To my lack of a center of gravity.

I need to be treated gently,
for I am somewhat fragile.

I need to be given attention,
and treated as more than a doormat.

I need to be made comfortable enough to speak,
so I know that having opinions is safe,
because it isn't always, I would know.

I need to be shown affection,
otherwise I get ornery.

but i realize that it's pointless.
I am a blur,
both here and not here.
you are the best parts of me
and more
and therefore
forever out of reach
because you hold so much back from me,
all the bad,
but most of the good too.

You are my light,
Calm and clear
I see you as vividly
As I know the monsters within myself.

I see horrible things,
And I've done horrible things.
But let's get something clear,
I am the only
Monster here.

And I do not say this for pity,
Nor do I say it for grace.
I say it for peace,
And to maybe save some face.

But I desperately hope
That you'll still love me so
Despite my vicious actions,
And you'll see to my good intentions.

I have a cold front,
An icy demeanor,
That I'm afraid you have yet to see.

I have no use
For my colder parts
When I am so
In love
With you.

But I'll have you know,
Any threats to my priority's
Future,
Will be eradicated
Promptly
And efficiently.

You are my priority,
And we share a future.

I love you so,
You are my light,
My love,
And I will not let
Petty little brats
Get in the way
Of that.

So still hold me
In whatever light you so find fitting,
But I am not an angel,
I am not good,
Save for my intentions.

I dreamt that you left
not-so secret words
in not-so secret messages
where those who I made mention of
in a different verse
brought upon
such the curse.

"do you love her more?"
the wretched ***** typed to you
"hardly,"
was your cold response

and through my tears
I had screamed and cried
and yet you still
refused to deny
it.

and I know my mind plays tricks on me
because I know you love me now
more than you loved her then
but I need the reassurance
that my logic is sound.

I've had always built up
Since I can remember,
And you just walked in,
As a child
And started tearing things down.

And I was so mad
And so relieved,
And then there was
Nothing.

And here you are again,
And you just walked right through
Every stone and steel wall I built up,
And I watch as they all crack and collapse
To the ground
With each footstep you take towards me.

And I have never been more angry,
And I have never been more relieved.

I worked so hard
To keep everyone at bay
But you just ignored
It all
And I couldn't help
But join in
In the destruction process
Of tearing down my  walls
To show  you every part of me
And please
Just don't make me regret
Tearing them down.

To you,
I am vulnerable
I am raw,
And I trust that you will
Take hold of me in a gentle embrace,
And that your love is true.
I trust that your love is true.

I built so many walls,
But your love is so stubborn and determined,
That you knocked them all down.

And I'm scared of the cold of the wind,
But with your arms around me,
I don't think that walls are really
All that needed.

Your eyes are
gold like my heart
but blue like the sky
and if I could fathom why
they'd be the last thing I'd see
before the world dies.

you are the warmth of the sun
with all the ambition of the moon,

and if you were to leave
the day after forever,
it would be too soon.

I am nothing.
I am nobody.

I look into a the mirror
And I see broken glass
And visions of the past.

I look through the window,
And I'm met with sulfuric acid
And darkness,
And it burns away my light,
Leaving me with loss.

I am nothing,
I am nobody,
I look at my reflection
And I see doubt
And rejection.

I am nothing.

Let's be honest here,
Sometimes I don't feel good enough for you,
Sometimes I feel like an embarrassment.

There are spaces in time
Where I'm afraid I'll disappoint you,
And I'm terrified that you'll see all the parts of me
I don't want you to see
And then you'll just
Up and leave.

But you've seen my worst,
My fear and my tears,
And my sharp tongue, though never directed at you.
And if you think that's something
Worth keeping,
Then you'll have to push me into the water
If you want to jump ship.

I usually don't
Try to stick around.
Like most things, I'm fleeting.
But I'm sick of fleeing.

Usually when I fall,
I hit the ground running,
But I've yet to truly fall,
Because flying with you
Is much too nice
To stop.

In order to tame something wild
you must first break it.

and I have never been tamed,
but I've been broken many times.

I have a wild spirit
from here and beyond

but you pull on my reigns,
and I oblige to your wishes,
even though my insides scream out in defiance,
wanting to tell you no, never.
I deserve to be treated better.

but my heart's rock hard ice
melts at your guilty expression,
and the pain in your eyes
and your voice
and I don't want my pain
to be the cause of yours.

so you throw your jacket,
and the aggression behind it makes me flinch,
and you tell me "I won't hurt you,"
as calmly as I think you could.
and I apologize

and you tell me I've done nothing wrong,
and I apologize again

because maybe I did deserve to be demeaned
in that round-about way
and then I have to stop myself
from the dangerous thoughts
the running away coursing through my veins
screams at me.

I'm no good for you
I'm too much for you
I should leave and never come back
you deserve someone so much better

because maybe it's true.
you deserve someone who doesn't look at every flirtatious ***** and thoughtless action as a threat to what we have.

but maybe I deserve to be reassured,
and maybe I deserve to be treated with thought and care.

and maybe you can do that.

I guess we'll work on it.

but maybe I'm not so broken
if I can tell you this.

I wonder if you know,
How I love you so?

And if you could fathom
All the light
And all the warmth,
And all the colors
That shimmer and shine
Through out the sky,
Then maybe you could fathom
How much you mean to me.

If you could see
Everything good
And everything bright,
And all the hope,
And all the light,
That I tend to find
Within you,
Then maybe you'd understand
How much you mean to me.

I want to be every risk you didn't take
I want to be everything you didn't say.
I want to be your universe,
and I want to promise that you'll never lose me.

I want to be an argument at 2 AM.
I want to be looked at like I'm still your everything.
I want to be every struggle, every scar, and still coming out strong on the other side.

I want to be your forever
and I want to promise you that we have forever.
and maybe it's childish,
but I think we can make it.

I want to be twenty years down the road
and I want to look at you with the same wonder and love and awe.

and I know I will
and I know I will

I want to be the reason you wake up before sunrise.
I want to be with you, watching the sunset.

I want to be laughter at 5 in the morning,
and sleepy kisses in between everything else.

I want to be yours
so wholly and entirely.

I haven't had an appetite for weeks
Until today.
And for days
I've been seeing nothing but grey,
But today it seems
I've got enough love in my heart
To bubble over.

I know I'm kind of a child
When I'm sick
But thank you so much
For being  concerned
And I know it's odd,
The fear inside me,
Caused by my own nature,
My own being,
My own insecurities,
But your eyes and your smile,
And knowing that maybe somehow
I was the cause of that smile,
Well it means the world to me.

And I hope I'll get to hear your voice tonight,
Or maybe make you laugh,
See you smile.

It's strange that it used to be,
That all I wanted was to make a difference
In the darkness of this world,
But it seems to be,
However strange to me,
My only desire
Is to make you smile.

And call me sappy,
Call me cliche,
I guess I don't care,
Because I'd rather be a cliche
Than be cold within my heart
Instead of within my touch.

My extremities are ice cold,
But I promise my heart is warm,
For the most part.

And I'm hoping you're well,
And I'm hoping to be by your side
Now and forever.

That might be weird to say,
But it's a feeling that I know is right,
Like when the moment matches
The swell of the music,
Subtly playing in the background.

It's in the pit of my stomach,
The beat of my heart,
The core of my being,
And within every nerve.

I know being yours
Is right in a way,
I've never felt before.
Your name fits on my lips
Like a smile in a moment
Filled with bliss.

I am a run-on sentence said by too many people in too loud of voices that leave you bleeding and breathless without a purpose without a hope without anything because they left and walked away abandoned you just like the nothing they thought of you as because that's what you are, right? And I always talk about myself in the second person using the general "you" so I don't feel so alone, like it's only me and no one else. And I organize my words and my stanzas with spaces to make them seem more thought out, more spaced out, but in reality my brain and thoughts sort of work like a spider web, with bursts and explosions like galaxies forming everywhere, like stars and suns going supernova. And I'm going to rethink and think and think over that last line because a sun is a star, so of course it can go supernova, that was horribly redundant. But I'm trying to just write out my thoughts and I can't help but want to scream and cry and I want to rip my hair out I want to run away I want to feel my bare feet on the pavement or feel the grass beneath my feet as I sprint away from here, I want to disappear. But I can't so I won't and dear god, stop it. Stop taking your frustration out on everyone else, especially each other. How old are you again? And I wish I had a car so I could drive away, drive to you and so this all could just disappear. I don't want to be here, I want to be far far away. I've been doing so well, but now I'm falling apart.

The sky opens up,
And rain pours from the sky,
Thunder cracks in the distance,
And for the first time in forever,
As my skull is relieved of pressure,
I think "Finally."

And I'm not afraid of the rain,
Any longer,
Because the man I love
Likes the rain,
And so maybe I should too.

My Bluebird, if I can fly with you,
Then I'm sure I could dance in the rain too.

But of course, not today.
I'll wait for you.

I don't know
Who I was meant to be.

I don't know
Who they want me to be.
I have no idea
What I'm supposed
To be.

But I have learned,
That there is no use
Trying to be
Who they want me to be,
And there is no use
In living with "supposed to be's"

I have a new scar over my heart,
And while it can't be taken back
And it still hurts a little bit,
There's nothing I can do to mend it.

I have learned
That I am worth so much more
Than my scars.

These scars and these pains
Are parts of me that must be loved
Just like the rest of me.

And I have learned,
That you love me,
Scars and all.

There will be days
That you will shiver
And you will shake
And fear will blossom in the pit of your stomach
And in your wrists
Like a dark violet and mustard yellow flower,
That reeks of rotting flesh.

And it will wrap it's creeping, crawling vines around you,
And you will know true terror,
And, for what it's worth,
It will root from losing someone
In one way or another.

The hardest thing you will have to do
Will be saying goodbye
And still holding onto hope.

And you will grow to be a cynic,
And you will be filled with passive hatred,
For the fact that you had no choice
In what you would become--

But there will be light,
And there will be laughter,
And sometimes,
You will forget about that wilting flower.

Your hands will shake
With excitement or with fear,
But either way you must keep pressing forward.

And press forward you will.

For the fear and it's weeds
Are not reasons that excuse your faltering,
And moving forward for that chance
At a glimpse of a blissful smile
Is reason enough to keep going.

Listen to the music,
Listen to it play.

I could listen to our song
Each and every day.

And I refuse
To let stress bring me down,
And I refuse
To let anything bring me down.

I am whole,
I am strong,
And I refuse
To break
Due to inconvenient
Circumstances
And ire.

Let it play,
Let it play,
Let the world play along.

Put on a sad song,
And watch the world play along.

Put on a happy song,
And watch the world destroy it.

I want you
To miss me.
And I want you
To care.

But most importantly
I want you
To talk to me.

I want to understand.
I want to know.
I care enough
That I ask so often.

And maybe it's childish
But you're my world,
And I'd do anything
To make you smile.

How can I tell you
all the things I wish you knew?

like how when your voice takes an edge
and I have to bite my lip to keep from flinching?

or how I wish I was calmer or that I wish you would pay me more mind?

or how I look into your eyes
and see universes beyond this one?

or how your smile fills my heart just right
and your laugh makes it over flow?

how can I tell you?

that your kiss feels like the birth of a thousand new stars
or that your hand in mine is exactly what I imagine home should feel like?

how am I supposed to tell you
without breaking?

Echo back to me
Sweeter songs
Than I sing.

Echo back to me
Words softer
Than the words
I speak.

I'm not quite as
Good as I'm sure
You thought I was.

Not quite as
Exciting
Not quite as
Perfect.

But **** it,
If I won't try
To live up to
Whatever expectations
You might have had
Of me.

And if I fail,
At least I fail
Trying my heart
Out.

Listen,
All I know is
I'm full of wounds
And scars
And broken
Parts

But I am still
Standing
On my feet.

So, let me tell you,
I don't know what this thing is--
Defeat,
Or whatever you call it.

I'm still going to be walking,
Moving forward.
No dream or memory,
Or flashback
Will keep me from moving onward.

I am full of wounds
And scars
And broken
Parts.

But I am still standing.

For once I wanted to be
Someone worth fighting for.

For once I wanted to be able to look into someones eyes,
And not be so absolutely petrified of what it will feel like
When I lose them.

And for once I wanted someone else
To be afraid of losing me.

But I realize, upon feeling much lighter and sure of myself,
That it is a mark of maturity
When you don't want to be the storm that they chase,
Rather, you'd prefer to be the book they curl up with by the fire,
While the storm rages on outside their window.

And upon this realization
It occurred to me,
I am not on the brink of disappearing,
So there is no use fighting,
Nor am I close to losing the one
I love the most,
So the fear of losing him
Is senseless.

And for once,
I feel like I'm not out of place,
And I know I'm worth it,
And it's all because
I have found a truth
Within the likes of you.

You're asleep right here,
Right now,
Right next to me.

The rhythmic sound of your
Breathing
Really should
Lull me off into a
Nap with you.

But today I am consistently
Thinking,
As I have been for the past few days,
About how much you mean to me.

How do I explain
That for years you've been exactly what I've
Needed,
And here,
And now,
You're what I want too.

Maybe I wasn't ready
This time last year
Or this time four years ago
For you to come back.

Maybe this timing is as perfect
As it feels.

Because when I tell you
"I Love You"
I'm trying to say all the things
I'm too scared to say.

I'm not talking about flighty flakey romance.
I'm talking about the vivid everlasting desire
To live life by your side.

If I said I wasn't scared
I'd be lying to you.

I'm so scared of being wrong,
Of getting hurt.
Of investing too much of myself.

But Bluebird, you have to know by now.
We've known each other for practically half our lives, almost more.
I've never doubted you,
Or maybe my faith in humanity
Has always been there,
Because maybe some subconscious
Part of me has known that this was it.

My heart flutters,
Knowing that you're next to me,
And restful,
Peaceful.

If there is a day
Or more that there are moments
Of only bliss,
Then I am fully aware that today
Is the beginning to those days.

I wish i was brave enough
to answer honestly when you ask if I'm okay.

I wish I was strong enough
to demand your attention
and hold it for more than
five seconds.

and if I could hear you tell me
that you love me
or that I am worthwhile
maybe it would help
me stop feeling the way I feel.

but I am bruised and battered
just like always
and could you ever see any beauty in
the likes of me?

yeah, right.
I wish.

"Nobody the dead man,
"Nobody the living.
"Nobody is giving in,
"But just nobody is giving."

I want to be
in your arms
and I'm in the mood
to hide from the world.
people think they're friendly,
they just end up scaring me.

I want to hear your voice,
I want to laugh and talk about everything,
missing you is difficult,
but if this is the worst trial or tribulation,
I've got this in the bag.

loving someone should be easy,
you make it as necessary as breathing.

these tears in my eyes,
are no match for the smile
your laugh puts on my face.

I'm holding on through frustration,
and blinking back tears.

i am a nobody,
and i was told nobodies don't have homes.
but i am a nobody
with a heart and home
all my own.

(if home is where your heart is,
then my heart isn't quite home.)

What heart?

Who needs one.

Desolated?

Ha, like I needed it.

There is nothing to me
Without you,
But I'd rather be nothing
Than treated like dirt.

I love you so,
And would give anything to be with you,
But I can't stand
To be accused of something
I'd never dare say.

I love you so
And do not want to be without you
But obviously
I am not one to be with.

I am nothing
No one
Nobody
Nowhere.

I miss you.

I am nothing.

I don't know
Who
They expected,
And instead got me.

But the look of utter shock
Is pretty pleasing.

I've never been one for
Change,
But I'd follow you
Into hell,
And come back better than before.

You are the light
I've found
In the shadows
And you are the hope
I have
In the world
To be better.

I am in love with you,
And only you,
Every part of you.