oh darling. you never really
wanted to die. you just wanted
to silence the voices in your head, and get rid of the hollowness in your chest. you wanted to **** all the pain you were enduring.
it's quite understandable- everyone understands what it's like to suffer (contrary to your belief,
you're not alone.
suffering is a basic part of human existence).
and sometimes, when you get to be in such a bad place, you're not able to remember anything else. all you can see, all you can think about, all you're surrounded by, is misery and sadness and heartache. and dying seems like the only way out of the endless cycle of negativity.
but emotions are a lot like energy- the kind you learn about science. feelings cannot be created nor destroyed,
only transferred.
so even if you finally gathered the courage to commit suicide, your sadness wouldn't disappear. you'd be passing it down to everyone that loved you, and sometimes even people you barely knew. everyone is affected in some way or another.
and while it seems like there are so many reasons to just die, there are
so many things to live for. the world is a beautiful place- humans just make everything complicated for no reason. but there are so many wondrous things that you have yet to experience. there's an entire universe out there- and if you killed yourself now, you'd never get to explore it.
losing you would not only mean losing your body, your soul, and your presence. it would mean losing all the hopes in dreams stored inside of you- both yours, and your parents' wishes for you. we'd be losing so much of the positive- you are not a negative. you have to understand that.
at least one person loves you, and to them, you're everything.
I need you to live, lovely. for me.

We smile at each other
and I lean back against the wicker couch.
How does it feel to be dead? I say.
You touch my knees with your blue fingers.
And when you open your mouth,
a ball of yellow light falls to the floor
and burns a hole through it.
Don't tell me, I say. I don't want to hear.
Did you ever, you start,
wear a certain kind of dress
and just by accident,
so inconsequential you barely notice it,
your fingers graze that dress
and you hear the sound of a knife cutting paper,
you see it too
and you realize how that image
is simply the extension of another image,
that your own life
is a chain of words
that one day will snap.
Words, you say, young girls in a circle, holding hands,
and beginning to rise heavenward
in their confirmation dresses,
like white helium balloons,
the wreathes of flowers on their heads spinning,
and above all that,
that's where I'm floating,
and that's what it's like
only ten times clearer,
ten times more horrible.
Could anyone alive survive it?

A love like yours is hard to find
Because you're the only one who
Cares about everyone, so selfless
Definitely someone to look up to
Everyone can't see what I see
Forget all the mean things
Give me your attention
Hear my words and
Ignore the rest
Just remember you're beautiful
Know that you are perfect
Like a gorgeous sunset or the
Moon in the sky at
Night
Orbiting around a sun, jealous of your
Perfect bright blue eyes
Questioning if its possible for eyes to be so
Radiant, so alive, filled with
Something indescribable
Unknown to this
World. you are so kind and
Xenodochial, a quality unseen in many.
You're the one I wanted from day
Zero and every day since then

Yes, kiss my neck.
No, don't go back to my lips.

Give me more of your warm, wet air against my goosebump covered neck.
Bury your face into me.
More!
let me show you
just how much.

Yes!
right at the base of my neck where it meets my chest

Don't be shy,
I don't care if the world can see this tomorrow.
Actually, bruise me,
make sure
they all can see
it feels so
much better with that
assertion.  

I don't need to see anymore, just let me relish the bright blindness of eyes shut tight
I'll figure you out with my hands.

Yes! press your tongue against me in that seal you made with your lips.

And yes, the only time I want you to stop laying those kisses is for
an audible breath.

Better yet a small moan
when my hands slide under your rough denim and past your soft jagged ridges of lace,
a strong grip and squeeze of your ***.

That's it..
Now you're setting me off.
Yes, I want flesh on flesh.
No, I'm done with this hesitation
and your shirt.
I don't need mine either.
Actually, you can stop making my blood rush
through my neck.
Better only be for a moment though
while our hands grasp
for whatever part of our shirts to pull them off.

Yes, crawl further up me
let me feel your heating skin
against my blood boiled body.

No, don't just crawl-
straddle me
like this.

Actually, that sly lick against my earlobe made me groan.
Better yet
move your hips like- yes! just like that.

And Yes, we're still wearing too many clothes.
And yes, exactly, fix that problem.

No! I'm not done with those lips quite yet.
Exactly. That's the spot and don't you stop.

Actually-no-yes!-what was I saying?

Oh- that's right,
better yet,
turn around-but don't let go of me with your tongue and kiss-
my tongue also wants a taste. Y-yes..!

I told you I never wanted to kiss anyone else and you looked so confused because you didn't understand the way that your lips were gentle enough to erase the memories of anyone else before you and taint the thoughts of anyone else after you. You didn't understand that kissing you felt like falling off of a building and being held by the hands of God himself all at the same time. You didn't understand that as I kissed you I could feel all of the hurt and pain you had ever experienced because it was so evident just from the way you kissed me like your life depended on it and that if that kiss didn't take my breath away your life would never feel complete and that if I wasn't sitting there with my fingertips brushing over my lips days, weeks, months, years, after the fact remembering the way it felt that you hadn't done it good enough and you would keep trying until you did but all of those times I told you to kiss me again so I could remember it for the rest of my life I was lying purely to get to feel you again because I could never forget the way you slipped inside of my soul and patched all of the tears in my heart all while just barely brushing your perfectly beautiful lips against mine that were cracked from crying. I could never forget the way your moans settled in my stomach like sugar cubes settling in a cup of tea in the morning or the way your words sounded more poetic than I could ever imagine for my own to sound. I could never forget that and here I am months later sitting with my fingertips brushing against my lips and goosebumps rising on my skin remembering the way you kissed me that last time and how I will spend the rest of my life trying to duplicate that with someone else. C.a.l

Kissing you:
Feelings immense,
Irresistible,
Crazy, warm, cozy,
Soft, sensual, passionate,
Romantic,
Inexorable,
Slow,
Willfully sinking,
An instance of being intimate.
Tasty and juicy, our sensations progress,
Salacious arousal,
That moment of touch of feelings,
Intense sense of the lesser-known organs.
Our hands roam and get caught up in the search,
An instance of being intimate,
Unexplainable, savorinesses indescribable,
Something that has to be known by oneself.
Such are you my beloved,
Such is your love.

I want to kiss you.
It sometimes physically hurts not to kiss you.
I don't want to look into your eyes,
because I don't want to see the confusion in them.
I don't want to explain myself.
I just want to feel your breathing on my face as
my lips fit onto yours.
I want to slip my thumb
under the line of your jaw,
and tip your head back,
to expose your beautiful, long neck.
I want to run the tip of my nose along it
and to hear nothing but our breathing.
Sometimes I look at that face and
it's like I've been hypnotized,
my greatest desires want to come out.
I want to kiss you sweet god in another life
I would kiss you.
And then afterward,
press a soft hand to your lovely head
and wash the memory from it.