I'm sorry family that I ran away from home,
Came to college, got stressed, and didn't make it my own.
I want to be successful, it'd be great to feel accomplished.
But I'm always disappointed and running out of options.

I want to sit in a quiet room and study for hours.
But my emotions storm around and deplete my cognitive power.
If I had some hormone pills, if i had a magic wand,
I could make my heart stop and make my mind be strong.

But I don't, and it's not, and I can't, and I won't,
And I love myself too much to hate my emotional storm,
But I disappoint myself whenever I take a test
And I can't think clearly and I make a huge mess.

It's sometimes hard to choose whether I should try to relax
In my isolated state with video games and rap tracks,
Or if I should submerge myself in my studies and eventually,
Let myself down once again and be isolated and empty.

Therein lies the rub, for when I'm just isolated
Coping with my emotions that are never evaded,
I look inside myself and see that there's love,
And I feel whole and at once. I feel control over one

Aspect of my life. They say control matters.
But when I perform my exams and achieve grades below average,
And it's all because I can't stop my emotions from turning,
Is this the hard work it takes? Is this the fire that's burning?

When I fail time after time, tumbling through emotional wreckage
Just to know these ideas on this study guide checklist,
Just to sit for an exam and forget what I processed
Did I fail this exam? Is this all a big test?

Is college meant to make me feel like I shouldn't be here at all
Until 10 years later when I'm a grown up adult,
And I don't have as many hormones affecting my motivation?
Or is this conditioning me to reach a new elevation

In my mind where I choose facts and logic over what I feel?
Study for tests, get good grades, and forget what's real.
When I sit down for a test, it doesn't matter what's happening
In my mind or my heart. It matters what's lacking.

"Do you lack the emotions that would make you burn out?
Well good! Study hard, graduate, get out.
Are you emotions making you feel like you're out of control?
Sit down. Let's talk about reaching your goals.

Life's all about balance. Study some each day,
Take time to relax too. Bad thoughts then go away.
Then wake up and study more, or if you had a bad dream,
Try to calm down. Study once you can see

More clearly. Yeah, just mix things up,
Focus on your classes. Focus on your love.
Don't fall behind too much or you might not pass.
Be happy, responsible, and smart; that's all I really ask."

That was a polite request that I'd be glad to consider,
If it wasn't for the fact that my mind is a twister
And running around trying to escape feels futile
And I run for miles and it feels so wild.

That's just a metaphor, but I want to be happy.
It's at the top of my priorities and I can't change that, see.
So once I'm ready to work hard, I'll let you know.
Please let me go. Please let me go.

I ran away from my home when I came to college,
And independence is great, I love gaining knowledge!
I love all the people! I love this new place
I love having my own space to let my thoughts erase.

That comes up a lot; chasing my feelings with an eraser,
To clear up my mind so I can earn the favor
Of all of my potential friends and all of my professors,
The difference is I always have class, but so many people left me here

To do all of this alone, I don't suffer for no reason,
The only things that I want are out of my grasp every season
And if I could want to do well and not want social tidings,
You wouldn't have to hear all of this stupid whining.

I'm not socially successful. I'm not a winner.
I can't live with that, I can't stretch myself thinner.
Until further notice, my emotions are wild
And my attempts to add more priorities to the mix are mild.

That includes grades. That includes calling you!
When I come home I'll try to love and be true to you.
When I'm at school, I'm out of balance and seeking patience
And it's harder in isolation and I can't even wait then.

I can't wait for life to come to me, gotta grab it.
I can't write poems and complain and not work, gotta stop it.
I'm sorry that I'm confused, I'm sorry I'm so lazy,
I'm sorry if this poem makes you think I'm going crazy,

Because I'm not. I love myself and that's it.
I'd like some connections in life and working is not it.
It's love, it's connection, it's people, it's music.
I'm not sure if i can do this.

I'm sorry family if that's hard to hear.
I'd say it's ok, but the past two years
Haven't stopped increasing in how much I'm being challenged
So I might not have the right allowance.

Of patience and energy to really get by.
I really wish I could cry more.
But I can't when I'm alone.
I'm not giving up.

I love you guys.

He's slipping away.

Slowly

and all of a sudden.

I lay with him hour after hour
minute after minute
as if we have all the time in the world

and know that he'll be gone before I know it
that his passing will pass
in what will seem like a heartbeat.

His life, his spirit
are like cloth
being pulled through my hands
from an unknown source

and no matter how I try
I just can't grasp hold of it.

I can't slow it down
I can't grip it.

I want to talk to him and share my feelings
but he's not able
nor is it appropriate
for him to hear me or to comfort me.

He is somewhere else now
Somewhere between here and there
And it is I who must comfort him.

My eyes are raw, my head thumping
My chest is heavy and sore
from the full-body convulsions
of grief-stricken, silent cries
into the dark of the night.

I can't sleep
I can't think
I can't meditate

I drink wine
I watch tv
I cry

I think about our daughter
and my shattered heart breaks
even more.

I hold his flesh covered bones
and whisper love notes in his ear
through torrential tears.

He coughs,
holds his hand to his head,
mutters something absurd
and falls back to
weird sleep.

He is dying

Right by my side

It is the culmination of seven long years
and so much fight.

I've been here in my mind before
but I've never
been here before.

How do you possibly prepare?
and still
I am prepared.

But that moment,
the one that is going to take my own breath away

I'm not prepared
and it's happening

And then what?

I don't want to think about it.

No fuss, no fanfare

Just grief.

And people.

Hugs and hugs.

Is all I want.

And then,
there must be a celebration.

For a life was lived

In a most extraordinary way.

And there is so much to celebrate about that.

And life will go on, they say.
I'm not sure how but I'm certain it will.

And so I lay here

And savour every last breath
and sacred moment we have left together
in these bodies
and this lifetime.

And I whisper,
over and over again...

I love you.

Words... The end 
~Gabbriella with 2 b's~

"Give it back to me"

"But what will you do with it?"

"I will mend it, tend to it,
and when it's beating like a drum
pumping blood, pounding love,
I'll give it to him
who inspires new life into it"

"Hmm...then I'm not giving it back
I can't see your heart beat for another"

"Okay then, keep my dying half
You're killing it anyway
The half you've left me with
is enough for me
and him"

Unicorn sprinkles,
Daffodils jam,
A little star's twinkle
And some dragon ham.

Some emerald clovers,
A pint of fairy dust,
A handful of stover
And some canned gust.

Teardrops of a Selkie,
Well shaken, not stirred,
The horseshoe of a kelpie,
Late Iron Age sherds.

Some fizzy witchcraft,
One bottle or two,
And maybe a draught
Of love potion too.

Lean your head
On my
Bare
Hip
And taste
Sweet,
Pure
Freedom.

Let these
empty
sheets
Cover this
naked
Body
Of mine
With relief.

Let my ankle
Feel
The pain
Of your
Passionate
Kiss,
As we both know
It is our last.

Close your eyes,
Love,
As you did mine
Once,
So you won't see
My shadowed
Steps
Walking away.

Take your farewell
And cover it
With clothing,
But it will still be
Too much
For our
One hour
Love story.