You say stroll down memory lane,
I say revisiting the house of horrors.
To you, a simple memory.
To me, my worst nightmare.
It doesn't matter what time of day it is,
I'm still scared out of my mind.
It is currently 2:47 A.M and all I can think of is your smile.
Your straight and partially stained teeth have tainted my mind.
The way your appearance has changed over the years baffles me.
You used to be handsome, strong, and so caring.
Now, you've grown too thin along with your hair.
You went from bad to worse with the substance that took everything from you.
I hear you laugh from the good times we had.
I hear you scream from the bad times we had.
They both echo endlessly through my mind.
Is it bad that I can't tell which one I try to avoid more?
I miss the good times between us.
I used to cherish hearing you say you loved me.
Only because it was such a rare thing.
I can't remember what it sounds like coming from your throat.
What is a child supposed to do without a father?
You were my everything, but it seems I was not yours.
For you, your everything is the thing that'll end you.
I tried to save you but it seems you didn't want to be saved.
I fear that one day I'll forget the thinness of your hair and frame,
Too late for the feeling of your arms during an embrace.
Was it too much for you to hug me.
The eyes that I feared so much are now burned into the back of my mind.
How the whites of your eyes became more yellow each day.
How the once brown eyes are now an ugly greenish blue.
How the skin around them has sunken in.
Was I not enough?
What did I do wrong?
Was I not the daughter you wanted?
What did I do to make you treat me like that?
You act as if I hate you but that's not true.
In fact, it's the opposite, I love you.
I love you more than anything.
That's why I left, I gave up everything for you in hopes you would get better.
I guess it wasn't enough.
Nothing ever was.
Not even my scars.
I'll always love you, but I can't promise that I'll ever call you my dad again.
This one is obviously for my father. I'm running out of options on how to get over this ****.