im drunk.
high on god knows what
with the whole world spinning like a top
its even worse when my eyes are shut

but its worth the sickness
for the slight reprieve
needed a break from reality
where i can pretend you didn't leave

I LIKE TO SAY YOUR NAME

I like to say
your name

when you're
not here

turn you
into sound

conjure you out of
thin air

so that you appear
before me

dressed in sound
only

memory sketching in
the rest of you

as if sound
was just an outline

and love
colours you in

adding the voice last
so I can hear you say.

"Hello you..!"
and there you are

as present
as present

can be.

I like to say
your name

when you're
not there.

two beggars on street
asking for dollars and change
tapping on cell phones

It's been four years since I last wrote anything here; reading my past stuff makes me squirm a little at how dramatic I was back then but I guess I haven't changed as much as I would like to believe. I'm not really sure what I want this account to be now; before it was obvious that it was just an outlet to let my negative emotions out but I'm past that part in my life, I think? I guess I just want to say what I feel and not worry about how it will change how people see me.
That already sounds pretty shallow though doesn't it? I think so, but I don't want to trouble anyone or make them feel bad for me. Its strange that after all this time of feeling at least okay to really good, I'm starting to feel sad again; I wonder why that is? I guess it's because I feel like no one cares about me as much as I care about them. It's hard to believe someone when they say they care about you and then when you try to reach out you don't hear back from them. I get that everyone is busy, I'm pretty busy too, but you don't have enough time to spare a few seconds to reply?
That's where the problem comes in you see? I can't tell anyone that because all it will do is make them feel bad and create a fake version of what I'm looking for. I guess what I really want is for someone to genuinely care enough to just take the 5 seconds to say something back, I already did the hard part by saying something first right?