Deep sorrows speak softly.

From a farm town they grew.
Daddy was a gambler, Drinker,
Cheater
Momma was mentally ill.
She smoked on the porch and counted the clouds.
Wishing to get away.
Daddy would stumble home mad after losing all his money.
The children would scatter,
Faster than their attacker.
One of them would grow up to be an almost track star.
The only tracks he does now are running up his arms.
Born into poverty self abuse is the only way to be.
Some may get out of it like his sister.
Who found a light at the bottom of a bottle.
But little Ricky didn't make it past twenty.
He always had good aim, who knew he would use it towards his head in blow away his thoughts?
Down in the ground he rots.
His mother soon to be.
Poor baby she wailes, down into the grave she dives.
What a tragedy this is.
Maybe the family down the street will have a better story to end with.

We are all just sitting on a dock.
Waiting for that unfortunate push.
That makes our heart drop.
We plumage into the water.
As our air is forced out of us.
And our brain is submerged in death.
As our toes start to rot,
The vultures pick through once our stuff.
Oh what luck we will have,
When the clock hits 12 o'clock.

When will this world cease to exit?
Only than I shall be free
Trapped in a mind of thoughts.
Suffocation to the brain you may say.
No! I scream on a roof top that I am not okay.
150 steps down a stairs
It would b a pitty to not tumble down them.
Carpert burn across my chest.
What can I say?
I've been through worse.
No Frost, I will not take the road less travelled.
What if there is vampires awaiting at every corner?
For I am fearful of the dark.
To live is to die.
What a sad concept to be terribly true.
A white house?
There is nothing important about it.
Come with me and lets be free.
How?
Don't ask me.
You see I am just deranged.
Someone please put me in a cage.
Next time I'll know to be ***** trained.
Oh why do I feel insane?

My obituary is pre written.
I guess freewill wasn't the mission.
That's what happends when you end up in prison.
Could it be that I love the temptation?
It began since creation.
And it will lead to my damnation.
Who needs salvation?
Every action is my consequence.
I feel this to be true in my esophagus.
I am sorry mother I cannot be your little saint.
I am flawed.
And it doesn't matter.
I never want to change.
I hang on to the last words I say before there is no more.
I must go like dad did.
I hope you can understand.
Goodnight.

If love is a choice...
Then I must be making bad choices with you.

I sing Hallelujah in the shower.
I try to clean the inner and outsides of me.
Days go by and I find myself doing the same thing once again.
Will I ever be clean?

I must admit I didn't want anything to do with you when I first met you.
But I saved you, not knowing you saved me.
You worked into my heart.
Over time I could not resist your charms.
You were there when I needed you.
Always with a listening ear.
Always with a kiss to cheer.
Every time you walked out that door I knew it could be the last.
I knew you needed your freedom, and I needed to have faith.
Then one day you walked out and it was your last.
They say if you love something let it go, and if doesn't come back it was never yours.
But I say that's ******* because if you love something you should fight to the ends of the earth to get it back.
And so I went on a year long journey to find what I had.
In the end I had to accept defeat, and move on.
But if you see this Mr. Kitty come home because I miss you.

Yeah, take a sip Sip-n-Sip take it up does it feel good?
Why not finish the cup have you had enough?
Of course not, you can take more than that and that's a fact!
You drink this far why not more? It just started with the a taste, a sip, a bottle.
You drank it and drank it till you had to throw it up...  but why not continue on if it makes you feel the way you are why stop why not?
Who cares if it's turned your personality into a terrible human being.
Who cares what you do, you needed to feel like you're happy.
Who cares about your body live for today instead of tomorrow isn't that how it goes?
Keep taking and taking to wash out the pain that your loved ones feel, cause if you're intoxicated how do you know how they feel maybe it's them not you.

We are born for death
So why do we mourn?
Most of us will be afraid
Over time some of it will fade.
Time is fleeing so hold on tight.
We complain, because death puts us in a bine.
But, shouldn't we live to be kind?
We should not fear what we cannot control.
As I say for death let it roll;
Let go of all tears and put up a cheer.

I find out the precious life of yours is gone.
Denial screams back into my head.
No this is not true.
You cannot be gone.
I plead and plead on hands and knees crawling like a kicked puppy.
All in my head of course.
That's not the type of lady you want to be like.
A faint memory of my grandmother scolding me.
To me it fits the piece.
How dare I show uncontrollable emotions in public.
If public is considered my house that is.
I excuse myself that is what a lady must do a reinforced thought on proper etiquette that crosses the line of mental abuse.
I take a shower, the one place I can be left alone with my actual thoughts.
No tears come because denial is the only friend that doesn't abandon me.
I scrub and scrub my whole body.
I do this it wash away the stains.
The existance of you.
And all that did remain.
All the emotions that came from your lack of air.
I hold my breathe to feel close to you.
Useless I scream.
Another part of me dies tonight.
I deeply miss you.
In ways that my feelings cannot express.

Self medication is the way to go.
It worked for my mother and it worked for her father.
It's in my genes to drink the pain away.
I give a toast to the ghost who has become my host.
To endeavor this cycle I suppose.
I speak to feel free.
No matter how depressioning it may be.
I drink to also feel free,
To be,
To see,
And to pass the time away.
I don't like the taste to say.
Harsh on my lips.
But it lights up my world.
In a drunk stupor sort of way.
I ramble.
Maybe to pass time.
Or be enlighten.
Who knows?
I just continue on.
Sorry grandmother.
I'm sorry that I didn't cry when you died.
But I was always the unwanted child from your baby son.
Red wine from a box you drank.
So do I.
Maybe we are more a like than I want to say.
If God is real,
You must be in hell.
I don't think God takes to kindly to your rude words to a preachers wife.
Or maybe he does and your a saint.
Who am I to judge?
I just sit back and sip in take in all the hateful words you said.
It's okay though.
Because of how you rasied my no good father I am able to glide by this earth not feeling hurt.
Tough skin situation sort to speak.
Just another drunk ramble.

I can't shake this emptiness feeling.
I carry it like a weight cuffed to my soul.
Oh, whatever shall I do?
I sit in class.
Thinking it could be my last.
Till the teacher says...
Emotionally detached you are sweetie.
How does she know?
I am flabbergased.
Don't worry she speaks.
You see I am the same.
Do not feel ashamed.
I cry out, I don't want to be like this.
She says it isn't bad. It is meant to keep you safe.
I want to love I scream with a tear.
Oh but you do honey she says.
Your body loves you enough to hide all the pain that's inside you.
You are more loved than you know.
Your body keeps you from breaking your soul.
I understand after I had time to consider.
Putting my hand on my heart to hear a whisper.
Nothing echos back.
She tells me to close my eyes And count to three.
One.
Two.
Three.
Open.
Read pages 28-76 on Personality Disorders.
I'll see you I'll in class Wednesday.

I do not know who I am.
And that's okay.
For I am ever changing.

I saw the pain in your eyes the night we left.
A tormented hollow look that chilled my soul.
All was lost in the grey eyes I saw.
Nothing screamed back in those **** eyes.
Too damage beyond repair.
Not even a reflection of a light from the living room glistened into your eyes.
A useless carnage of a human piece of meat was the way you remained that night.
I never felt lost until I couldn't see into those eyes.
Merky with pain and soon the apathy you will surely devlop.
All the love in the world won't save you my dear boy.
A crushed rib caged penetrates your heart, sticking fragments of the wreckage into your heart.
All is lost and I can't bare the thought of you being dead while you still breathe.
Your heart bleeds out.
Tainted as it is black.
Your no human anymore.
Just a ghost of a person I loved.
Still love with the mental affliction to see that there is something there.
My heart knows there is not.
But I can't burry you now.
I need you even if your not there.
More than ever.
Please help me.
**** me fast.
Loving you is killing me slowely with a repeative stake going in and out of my heart.
Please shed a tear it should be somewhere near.
That we must go and finally be put to rest.

Forgive me sir for I am sorry I cannot take your hand.
I say sir instead of friend.
You once were a dear friend.
Now you resent me.
With your passive aggresive tone.
I told you I couldn't be with you to protect you.
You didn't understand that.
Why would you?
I love you but I would never be in love you.
I love you enough to not lead you on.
I would never be what you want in a relationship.
I would break your heart and **** off part of your life span.
I knew you would hate me in the end.
Either way it was inevtable to happen.
Yet I saved you from me.
Being with me isn't good for you.
I would **** you faster once the daster was set.
I really do love you sir.
So I must let you go and hate me.
It's the only way to protect you.
I still think of you and dream about you.
It's all for the best I tell this to myself alone in this empty house.

A loving mother weeps.
A child grows cold in a hole.
The world lost more than one soul.

If there is no happiness in oneself,
You can take anything away for them.
Nothing matters if you are empty.

I killed myself last night
The end of the pendulum struck.
And the night hit 12 o'clock.
The answer was at the end of a bottle.
Where is the last pill?
I took it the last time I killed myself.
I should get some more future down this road.
Astray I scream before the coffin closes.
Speak well I whisper.
No don't.
Leave me like this rotting the way that I adore.
A forest of gold I search.
In a barron land of dust, I find nothing and I stay to rust.
Nothing more meaningful then this way to go.
Full of scattered people at my door.
Screaming no you can't do this once more.
You don't know me like I don't know you.
A faceless mass of people I don't know.
Someone screams I love you don't go.
You don't love me.
You can't? I sit and stew on this with my woes.
A knife to the chest I lay to rest.
It's my last time I yell to confess.
The end is near and I await.
I lived a life of all I can take.
Everything spins around.
As I am living outside abound.
A normal dream that kills me a little more.
Everynight when I head to bed the reacurring dreams come to life yet again.
It leaves me screaming this is the end.
But who really knows when?

There are times I lie awake in the middle of the night.
Where my thoughts conduct a symphony of my past.
As I shed a tear of fear for what is coming next.
I hope for the best as I say to express.
To express I must confess that I am afraid.
Afraid you ask?
Afraid that my thoughts may manifest into a monster that is consumed to the dark side I call myself.
Monster tis am I.
A monster I must be for who could ever love this fiend?
A fiend who tries to do right, but is ****** to follow a never ending cycle.
I am defective.
For what shall we call this monster?
Eight letters make a name.
A name that labels the identity of all who know me.
The identity of me is an imposter to the name that came.
I am not all bad you see, for I recycle, and I may not be homicidal.
The worst of me is when I lie awake at night, and my mind turns into a wind up clock of thoughts.
Thoughts that can tear a simple man apart.
The more I am awake the more I find something wrong on the inside.
When I am left in the dark too long, the darkness becomes my friend.
And I'll tell you friend the only thing that will stop the monster I think I am.
Is when the Sun comes up through my window and radiates on my pores.
To remind me once more, that no matter what I think to be. That I am still good inside my core.

Please love me
That is all that I need.
Someone like you is all that I adore.
I don't care about your imperfections.
I need your dysfunctional love.
I am not right and it just works.
I say this wanting to desperately pour out my feelings to you.
I won't though.
I love myself more than to show you the parts I keep locked away.
Locked away in a cage the prisoner screams.
"Let me out!"
"No"
I look back into the mirror it's me again.
The inner me screams yet again knowing it has lost me.
I wipe a tear and get ready to leave the bathroom.
There is somethings that can't be said to the one you love.
Vulnerability is surreal.

They said I was mentally ill.
So they fed me a pill.
Maybe then I could feel.
This lack of apathy,
Is apparently not naturally.
So I sit and wait to feel more than a heart beat.
1
2
15
43
Days
Months
Years
Go by waiting for my feelings to exist.
Until then the drugs still persist.
I love.
But not a true love.
I do not feel it in my soul.
I just know it in my skull.
Just as 2 + 2 = 4
My love is in my mind.
I love you for as much as I can think.
So please don't leave me.
Alone with my mind on the thoughts of your existence.
You vanished
You have extinct out of my life.
I could not love you the way you needed me to be.
But I told you this before that my love was different.
You couldn't handle that.
And for that you leave me thinking I will be forever ill.

Mirror mirror on the wall please tell me that I have it all.

Mirror mirror on the wall help me look like a doll.

Mirror mirror on the wall tell me that he doesn't hit me at all.

Mirror mirror on the wall what just happened I cannot recall?

Mirror mirror on the wall he loves me it's just the alcohol.

Mirror mirror on the wall he doesn't love I am  a neanderthal.

Mirror mirror on the wall I must leave by nightfall.

Mirror mirror on the wall if people ask I just had a fall.

Mirror mirror on the wall hurry and call the cops before it's my last fall.

Mirror mirror on the wall the person looking back has no power at all.

The hurt I saw in my mother as she cried destroyed me.
I never felt so shattered as I looked into those marble eyes.
I saw all the pain and tortured she endured over the years.
I need to take it all away.
All the years my mother was hurt by love ones.
Was too much.
I saw the innocence die out of her hurts.
I carry her pain too.
I share her nightmares.
I don't mind it.
That way my mother isn't alone.
I love you so much.

If your love for me doesn't die, I'll be waiting here so don't you cry.
Cause I loved you once and maybe more in a different life time.
If we find our way back here it was meant to be.
I love you that's why you must go.
Cause we aren't right for the moment and that's why we have to say bye.
But I'll stand here till the ends of time.
Because our love is stronger than any storm that has come.
It doesn't rust but gleems.
I said I love you once maybe twice.
So go on and discover yourself.
We are not right for the moment but we will find each other in time.
No, I won't leave this spot.
I am keeping it warm for you.
So don't be gone for too long.

I like the simplicity and complicity of tape.
I can always count on it.
To hold my **** together, when I cannot get it together.

One day you shall take your last breath.
In the mist of everything.
Life will slow down for you.
It may be foreseen or taken away.
In the gentleness of a night breeze.
Or in the tragedy at a hand of another.
You’ll have a dream.
Right before you reap.
Of your life.
A fantastic one it may be.
The pain or joy may slip away.
You’ll drift away.
Clutching on to your memories.
A tear of pain and sorrow will emerge from your eye.
Your heart shall play its last melody.
A beautiful one indeed.
Your eyes will widen.
You gasp one more time.
Your brain sighs with contentment.
As it signs off.
Then your heart shall grow cold.
And your body become stiff.
With an everlasting peak smile showing.
Even in death you’ll be glowing.

The fictitious smile
The cheerful laughter
The pleasant greetings.
Are all deceived you see.
My calm quiteness, hides all that I compose from my woes.
How are you doing today?
I ask not that I really care.
Ploting against on the inside.
I act nice as someone who you think is nice.
I didn't even try to say that nicely.
My mask must be slipping.
Or cracking.
I may not be able to keep this facade up for much longer.
I am the devil in white.
Or so I was once told.
By a wise man up north.
"You are the devil, real as can be.
Cheer up honey, it's sunny show them teeth.
Be nice as you can be, so no-one can see. Be all you can be by this if not...
Just flee."
Who knew I would fall in love with the first devil?
His words still echo into my ears.
Or maybe it's just the voices I hear?
Please God if you can hear me shoot me.
I'm just kidding.
I am just a loon.
Trapped in a cocoon.
Trying to hide my disturbing personality.

One fish
Two fish
Red fish
Blue fish
What the hell is the meaning of life?

The biggest sacrfice one can give is to let a love one go.
To be able to say goodbye to that person you destroy by your presence.
Leaving you up in the middle of the night whispering their name.
Knowing that they will never come.
Living with a shattered self to protect them.
Protecting them against you.
Cause your bad news.
It's been this way since birth.
It's not a bad habit of destruction you carry.
No, it's who you are.
You want to embrace it.
Yet, you can't.
You lost the one person who did see that one sliver of good in you.
It gave you purpose being with them.
Now you have to turn back to the world before you knew them.
Yet, it is different.
They forever impacted you.
Without the warmth they poured on to you, you grow cold in the dark. Waithing for a new light.

As is sit in this plane
I grow angrier and angrier
As it is late flying off.
I look out the window and stare into,the distance and see a green field.
Then I start to day dream about my life and all that it has become.
Then I think about what if this is my last flight.
Maybe this is the flight that ends my life falling, plumpiting into this earth.
Hit it right smack in the face.
As my body burns into ashes in one breath.
I think maybe I should be closer to my family, maybe be a better person.
You know same old same old as if I was already told that I should be doing this.
My neck is burning from the thought of not having my hand made rosary.
I always bring it when I'm flying.
I think to myself how foolish it is to think a necklace can make me feel safe.
Than the backing of the plane wakes me up from my day dream.
And I thank the sky that I was given an opportunity to have twenty more mins to live.
To be able to breathe in and out yet again.
My anger cease to exit, as I am glad to still exit.
If I survive this flight, I shall change my ways.
An agreement with my brain and heart.

You broke my heart countless times.
Now you come back wanting the rest of the fragments that contain who I am.
Pretty lies ring in my ear that tell me you indeed love me.
I will not buy into this sales pitch .
Call me what you want but I am not ready to die by the choices you make.
The thing is even if I could completey love you, I could not fully trust you.
The day I could would be the start of my suicide note.

I take another gulp
Maybe then I can feel something.
Something constructed in my head.
A delusional bliss if I keep drinking.
I drink to feel something.
Anything.
Happy?
Comfort?
I don't know something.
Heat from my body pours out of me.
Nothing I can't handle.
Eternally speaking this is nothing.
I need the effect of my drink to sleep.
It calms my horror of reality.
Please forgive me.
Wait don't.
I drink alone.
You don't know This about me.
Why would you?
I masquerade.
You don't know who I am.
I do not either.
I just hide behind poison.
It gets me by.
And I do not ask questions.
Maybe I should.
But I am not that strong.
Father forgive me...
Wait don't.
I don't believe in you.
Like I don't believe I have a problem.

My words are broken
Just like the writer who wrote them.

There's a saying it goes like this, "we're here to fill people's void, yet we never can completely fill it.
No one can fill your void. So we're stuck in this cycle unable to find peace.
We'll search and we won't be able to find the stuffing to fill that emptiness. So why do we do this? It's because we have hope. We need hope because that's all we have to find happiness.
The people who figure this out are the ones who are depressed, they may be slightly suicidal.
But on the off chance that you do find the stuffing to fill your void life is magical.
And that's why we need to continue to struggle.
To move forward and find our stuffing.
To be that rare diamond in the dirt.

We have to believe that goodbye isn't the end.
There has to be more.
We need to be able to have the world at our hands.
We cannot sustain the thought of it being the last time we will see
A place
A loved one
Or to be able to do
We spend our whole lives believing this disillusion
To mask our fear
Till it happens...
The love one is gone
And your just stuck trying to pick up the pieces
And the cycle starts again
Alone in this world.

Where were you?
Where were you as I was growing up?
Don’t you love me?
You say you do. But do you mean it?
Why can’t I see it?
In your eyes
In your words
In your thoughts
Even in your heart?
Why is it impossible to see it there?
Why?
Is it because I don’t matter?
I really should have seen it.
All the times you chose addiction over I.
I learning everything on my own
While you run around young, wild, and free

Why weep young one?
You were just born
No scars or impurities to mourn
The inside of you is completely pure
With love to give, and insure
With the light of innocence to flow
Wipe those tears, and save them for the years to go.