detached
so detached

everything in my life seems detached.
my own dad fakes a father daughter relationship for the good of the show so people don't ask questions. out in public hes a saint. at home hes a monster. at home he yells and breaks things and points out everything i'm doing wrong.

my ex boyfriend and first love, who i dated for a year is trying to talk to me again and part of me wants to let him but i honestly don't know what to do. we've been apart for 5 months and i've tried to move on with other people and be with other people and i've looked around and had a few little crushes but as soon as they show me attention back my stomach feels like physically sick. is that normal? i don't even know. i'm just scared no one will ever make me feel the same, and if hes the only one that makes me feel as happy as i was, do i really want to spend time with him? we broke up because he started hitting on my best friend, and then as soon as we broke up, my "best friend" stopped talking to me and spread a bunch of rumors. i want us to happen again but honestly i don't know what to do and i'm just a little worried. what if he hurts me again? then what?

school ***** and i've stopped caring because its so close to the end of the year and i feel like i should care more but i physically cannot. like i need to care because of finals but i have no motivation and i just get ****** into snapchat and then boom 3 hours gone. plus i need a job and if i don't get certified for life guarding i have no job. certification is next week but what if i cant do it? i've been on swim team since i was 7. i'm strong. it should be fine. but like, my anxiety is a beast and tells me i cannot do this thing.

because of all this stress i havent been sleeping, and ive eaten two meals in the last three days. but its okay. everything is going to be fine eventually. its just not right now and that *****.

and you have me strung up again
wrapped around me like a snake
whispering lies in my ears

"you cant leave me"
                                "I'll hurt myself"
"you're the only one i can talk to"
                                                     "i'm alone and everyone wants me dead"

i have to leave
i have to get out

i must maintain myself
i must maintain composure

for your attitude is toxic
contagious
i can feel myself spiraling

i've got to spread my own wings and drift to safety
i'm done trying to wrench yours open to save you
especially when you have them so firmly shut

Sometimes, I miss the person I thought he was...

someone chain me down
so i don't float away

someone hold me gently
to remind me i'm not alone

someone take me away from here
teach me to love again