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Feb 2022 · 96
Time
Hoshi Feb 2022
Time is relative
Right now time is not relevant
Time is an observing party
We are the stars of the show
You are a star
Stars don't shine
They burn
How beautiful you burn
Time is relative
And you are relevant
Jan 2022 · 570
What we owe to each other
Hoshi Jan 2022
"There is no greater need than a hurt person's need for more hurt"
I spent hundreds of nights crying to a God I believed didn't love me
I was so sure my miracle of being born was a mistake God made
But God doesn't make mistakes
And so I spent hundreds of nights crying to a God who owed me nothing
I owed no one anything and they owe me nothing
then He made me feel as if I owed him my entire being
He was a monster in the making
He was a boy who was raised that way
He was a tormentor
I spent hours crying to a God to take away my debt to him
It took me two years to realize I owed him nothing
He picked me apart piece by piece
He made me feel like I was sick
He had felt like the cure to the poison I created
It took me two years to realize I was poisoned by everyone who ever cared about me
I poisoned him right back though
He was sick and so was I
We needed help but knew we wouldn't ask
We were two people poisoning each other with our sickness

We owe each other nothing
I was broken and begging for help
He made me feel as if I were dramatic
Attention seeking
Fine
He made me so angry I forgot what it was like to be sad
I operated under the impression I was less
I was unlovable
Because no one in my life had told me otherwise

We owe nothing to each other
I owe my love to no one
I do not deserve or earn love
People give love freely
And so do I
Jul 2021 · 102
Lego set
Hoshi Jul 2021
I feel as if I'm being taken apart
Piece by piece like a Lego set
For your childish hands to touch how you please
You hadn't even opened my box
Yet I was scared of you taking me apart
And now I'm scared of being put back together

Once I'm whole, no one will play with me anymore
Apr 2021 · 209
Skin
Hoshi Apr 2021
Every two weeks your skin cells die and are replaced
So as I sit in bed tracing my fingers across my lips
I wonder how long it'll take for my skin to forget your taste
Apple juice and peach
Mar 2021 · 678
Skeleton hands
Hoshi Mar 2021
I dare not look at my hands
Why not?
The screeching of my head is louder than the banging of pots and pans
You're afraid of your own thoughts?
I'm afraid of who lyes there
You're afraid of a simple man?
I never said my thoughts were fair
You're afraid of your hand
I sought out death and now I'm all but bones
I can't help but laugh, was this not your plan?
Refrain from throwing your sticks and stones
You intentionally ended your own lifespan
I unintentionally gave myself skeleton hands
This poem is meant to be read with every other line, it's two voices. One is accusatory and the other is answering.
Feb 2021 · 122
Mad man
Hoshi Feb 2021
It's one thing to write about ******,

It's another to be chased by a murderer.
Feb 2021 · 723
8
Hoshi Feb 2021
8
Would you ask the sun why it shines?

Then why ask me why I love you?
Feb 2021 · 245
Bad habit
Hoshi Feb 2021
It was stealing glances at first, quick glances so you wouldn't see my olive eyes wandering. Then it became a pastime. I swore it was the last time but I went back to you over and over again. I didn't fall. Falling makes it sound like an accident. No, I walked right in. I knew what could happen and I went in anyways. You became my habit.

You shouldn't be so easy to love, I'm afraid everyone is going to fall in love with you and you'll fall out of love with me.
Promise you won't, please
Dec 2020 · 75
Petal
Hoshi Dec 2020
Vines crawl out of the cuts on my arm
Stretching up to the sky,
My brain's blaring with alarm
A piece of me wants you to pry
As I frantically cover my upper arm.

I choke out sunflower petals
Swallowing them down and pushing them back
Waiting and waiting as the panic settles
I can't make it through another anxiety attack

The petals of the flowers you gave me
Are still in my heart
I fear I'm losing my sanity
The memory of happiness is far and torn apart
The room through my tears is blurry.

Rose thorns scratch and tug at my skin,
Blood drips down onto my notebook
The melancholy air of midnight starts to set in
I'm almost too scared nowadays to look.
Nov 2020 · 81
Insomnia
Hoshi Nov 2020
11:30 The poetry hour

12:00 I begin to cower

12:30 I start to lose my power

1:00 It's been an hour and all I do is stare at the dead wedding flowers

1:30 The noises in my head get louder and louder

2:00 I'm drowning out the voices that reek of gunpowder

2:30 Voices circle me, shouting about how it's all because I allowed her

3:00 The blade in my dresser knew what was about to occur

3:30 So sick of washing blood off of steel, thinking about what we were

4:00 I'm laying in bed again, trying to focus my eyes when all I see is a blur

4:30 The scars on my arms beg me to deter

5:00 The voices are silenced by a cat's steady purr

5:30 Christmas lights dance behind my eyes, lining a snowy Douglas fir

6:00 Delusional with a mind full of ferns and larkspur

7:00 Wake up for school
When I say I'm tired, this is what I mean.
Nov 2020 · 100
Glass bomb
Hoshi Nov 2020
When I was 5
You destroyed me,
A small child
So innocent,
So fragile,
Like glass.

Now,
I am older.

I am not fragile like glass.

I'm fragile like a bomb.
Nov 2020 · 75
Storytime
Hoshi Nov 2020
I am a story. An unfinished novel, if you will. I'm full of half-forgotten bedtime stories of faraway lands, dry sugar cookies that are still my favourites, brown and green eyes, constant piano playing, seeing my siblings' art hung up on the wall - covering up my own. I'm drowning in teapots, unorthodox backyard camping, off-brand root beer, and sneaking out of windows to dance in the rain.

I'm a torn up piece of paper with the words 'hold on' scribbled in different colors of pen covering every surface.

I'm a bullied, neglected, broken, half of a story. I'm experiencing the second act first. The part where everything's ******.

Waiting, waiting, waiting, until it gets better. Somebody let me know when I can come out from underneath the blankets.
Nov 2020 · 410
Hungry
Hoshi Nov 2020
"I'm not hungry"
I say as I gulp back pain,
my stomach growls and
I cover it up with a sneeze.

"I'm not hungry"
I hide in the bathroom and
hug my stomach in pain.

"I'm not hungry"
I wave them away
as I struggle to think correctly.

"I'm not hungry"
I say as the room
blurs and spins.

"I'm not hungry"
I say as I delete my search history
filled with articles
on eating disorders.

"I'm not hungry"
I say as hunger aches
and claws
and tears
at my stomach like an animal
begging to be fed.

"I'm not hungry"
I type out as tears
fall down my face,
reminders
that I'm hungry
when I tell everyone
I'm not.

"Please, I'm so hungry"
I beg myself,
curled up in bed,
wrapped in blankets,
shivering and groaning.
And that's on having an eating disorder at a young age and relying on it as a coping mechanism as you grow up <3
Nov 2020 · 71
My first tale (of many)
Hoshi Nov 2020
Remember the time you tried to **** me?
Yeah, the time you took a knife from the kitchen drawer
You tried to break down the door
And you tried to **** me.

Remember the times you screamed?
Yeah, the times you would punch holes in the walls
You screamed you would **** us all
Yet you never did.

Remember the time you told me to **** myself?
Yeah, the time I was keeping your door closed
You were screaming for me to let you out
That's when you screamed it.

Remember the night you saw me crying on the roof?
Yeah, the time you told me to just 'shut up'
You told me I was being too loud
You didn't know I was about to jump.
And that's the story of how I hated you too much at that moment to give you the satisfaction of silencing me.
Nov 2020 · 63
Dialogue 1
Hoshi Nov 2020
“I can kiss your boots. I can stoop to levels you wrinkle your nose at. I’m **** and you can’t get much worse than ****. I’m the lowest of the low, so good luck trying to be worse than me. For I’ll praise you just to get the chance to slit your throat. You can’t bring yourself to be kind to the other side, you can’t bring yourself to be a decent human being. Well, guess what. I’m evil. I’m not decent in any sense of the word. You can give me a knife, tell me to cut a slice of meat, and I’ll slice off your finger for telling me what to do. I’m absolutely terrible. You can top that, but you can’t get lower than the lowest point. You can’t get lower than the bottom.”
Nov 2020 · 358
Apologies
Hoshi Nov 2020
I **** at apologies. I mean, I'm the absolute worst person to get in an argument with because I won't ever win and if I do I'll apologize. You could stab me and I'd apologize to you. I always sound passive-aggressive, I don't mean to, I swear. Speaking of swears, I cuss. A LOT. Sorry. So when I apologize, it's not because I'm wrong, it's because you've hurt me too much for me to argue anymore. I'm taught that I have to apologize for everything, I have to be sorry for existing. I don't have a confrontational bone in my body.
Oct 2020 · 83
Divine
Hoshi Oct 2020
I have been given a taste of divinity, of the ether, of magic. I have feverishly consumed the deep, inky black fruit. Its juice drips down my chin and soaks through my clothing, staining it the colour of the darkness behind the stars. I am reaching up, struggling to grasp at another taste. The heavens are toying with me, keeping it out of reach of my greedy fingers. Just far enough that I am starving myself but not too far that I don't keep trying to grasp at the divine.
Oct 2020 · 88
Door (TW/CW)
Hoshi Oct 2020
When I was around twelve years old
My little brother tried to ****** me and my siblings.
I didn't think I would survive until 13 after that.
Because I can still hear the pounding and screaming
When a car passes by.
I can still feel myself covering my ears
And praying the sound of a knife tearing at wood
Would go away.
The knife with my ****** trauma
The knife that has almost killed me five times
Still lays in the kitchen drawer.
I can remember taking 911 off speed dial
Last
Year.
Red and blue police lights
Filling my vision
Whenever I have an anxiety attack
Because I saw them too many times.
I can still tell you the different hiding places
I found while searching
For a place to hide in case
He ever tried to **** me again.
It was been around two years since then.
I am not okay.
I am stuck in a household that is loud
And painful
And traumatizing me more and more
With every mistake I make.
I am put in a place that is designed to trigger my anxiety.
I am not okay.
But I am

Healing.
Oct 2020 · 60
Well are you?
Hoshi Oct 2020
Ḁ̷̘̘͗͂͒̀̋͝r̵̡̢̛̗̭͉̫̳̈̃ḛ̶̯̟͒͊̊̓ ̴̨͖̲͇̖̭̜͖͕̿͋͝y̴͇̘̩̯̐͂͐̍͝͝ͅơ̴̺̭̝͈͚̜͚͎͐̏͐̑̐̎̃̕ͅu̷͔͒ ̵̝͖̻̼͎̥̬̼͒̇͊p̶̨̘̲̻̒̊̇̈̿̊̋̚͝͝r̵̨͇̟̙̺͛̇̃̔͌̓́̚o̸̙̜̜͙̜̫̮̮̹͂̓̐̎̈́͝͠u̶̦̒­̡̖͍̤̖̻̲ḍ̸̡̲̰̖͍͉͇̫́͂̓ͅ ̶̱̠̮̌ǫ̴̗͇̬̮͕̭̳̹̑̂̋͋̓͑̉̈̕̕f̶̨̝̺͉̪̗̱̙͙̭̑̍̾̈́̂ ̶̡̗̱̺̤̱͔̔̒͐m̶̟̦̹͚̹͙͎̳̦̩̑͗͆̓̔̈́̍͒͝e̴͓̙͈̘̮͉̰̅̈́̓̇͘ ̵͎͍̳͌y̶̲̪̬͙̟͎̻͑͐́͂͋̒͗̃̚̕͜ͅë̷̼͈̫̽̓͒͜t̷̠̺́̉͐̈́̑?̷̮̑͠͠
I am not trying anymore. I am through with disappointing you.
Oct 2020 · 94
Not about You
Hoshi Oct 2020
This poem is not about you
It's not about your dangerous hugs
That made me feel like I was safe
When really you were chaining me down

This poem is not about you
It's not about how you told me you loved me
That I was the only one for you
Even while knowing I didn't know how to love

This poem is not about you
And how you demanded I choose you over my own boyfriend
That you thought I was a bully for defending myself
When all I wanted was to be free of you

This poem is not about you
It's not about how you made me try to **** myself
That night that blood spilled over because of your words
When I survived I vowed I would try again until I died

This poem is not about you
And how even a glimpse of you will drive me into a panic
That you torture my nightmares to this day
When all I wanted was to be a kid
Sep 2020 · 121
Angels
Hoshi Sep 2020
Oh how sweet an angel’s tears are
I would know
Angels cry too
Their tears are like sweet honey
Dewdrops that reflect sunlight like glowing glass
Angels oh how you sob
Like waterfalls gushing with sorrow
Sep 2020 · 260
Alive
Hoshi Sep 2020
The ache
The tearing in my stomach
The yearning for something that isn't food
Not food for thought
But something that fills me up
Thick raindrops that sink beneath your skin and into your bones
Being soaked all the way through into your heart
Feeling that electricity that nobody else can spark
The weight of water on your face
Pricking your eyes
and running its way down your hair
All of it
All that love and mystery and deepness
that's being in love with being alive

Sure the stars are pretty
But
Look
At
The
Night.
The deep blackness of the never-ending pit that is sky
The entirety of its beauty
You expect the night to frame the stars delicately
But if I were the night sky
I'd swallow them whole

Give me a love for living
And I shall make myself whole
There will be no more more broken pieces
Only chips
Only cracks
But that does not make me any less whole
For a window that is cracked is still a window

— The End —