Who's sins am I paying for?


I got **** on my mind
Some **** that u told me
On Father's Day 2010
U said u wasn't my daddy
U broke my heart
And I wanted to cry
My mind was ******
And I wanted to die
I pushed it back as far as I could
But as time went on,
There were too many clues.
I started to noticed features
That didn't quite match
I wanted to question u
But didn't wanna face the fact...
That I had been the result of deceit
9 months in her womb and
Dad was left with the receipt.
Every time he looked at me
He claimed he see
The man who took his wife's *****.
So daddy beat me
And this woman watched me
Cry out for her
Reach for her
Stare into her eyes
Tears flowing
Pain
Pain
It hurts like I'm being ripped in two
But I don't know by who
All I feel is pain
But pain slowly dies
All I hear now
Are my own ******* cries
But that's what I get
I wasn't supposed to be
U wish u had of aborted me
U didn't ask for a baby  
I'll never forget that day
That day it changed my life
The moment I realized
I am a victim of self hate

Awake, awake my little Boy!
Thou wast thy Mother’s only joy:
Why dost thou weep in thy gentle sleep?
Awake! thy Father does thee keep.

“O, what land is the Land of Dreams?
What are its mountains, and what are its streams?
O Father, I saw my Mother there,
Among the lillies by waters fair.

Among the lambs clothed in white
She walked with her Thomas in sweet delight.
I wept for joy, like a dove I mourn—
O when shall I return again?”

Dear child, I also by pleasant streams
Have wandered all night in the Land of Dreams;
But though calm and warm the waters wide,
I could not get to the other side.

“Father, O Father, what do we here,
In this land of unbelief and fear?
The Land of Dreams is better far
Above the light of the Morning Star.”

And if in the end
he happens
to break your heart
thank him
for giving you
something
to write about.

Remember,
This was never a love story.

I want you.
All for me.
Only me.
Only for my benefit.
Only for my enjoyment.
Only because I saw you,
And I liked you.
You were the chosen one,
To suffer by my hands.
Get used to it.

Feeling at this time, that I should really go to bed, but
Still I lay awake, and contemplate, what Fred Hampton said:
“If you dare to struggle, then you dare to win, if you dare
Not to Struggle, then you don't deserve to win.”
They shot him dead in his bed, tell me how long has it been?
10, 20, nearly 50 years, since the things that happened then,
What happened to the Panthers, Malcolm X and Dr. King, or
The Anarchists in Spain, the songs of victory they'd sing?
What happened to the world of struggle, in which they all used to live?
Where liberation's sweet embrace propelled the efforts they would give
You see, we need to put the ‘unity’ back into ‘community,’ and
That begins with you and me, living side by side, and
Working with each other, taking measures to deride, the
Ills of our condition that serve only to divide,
Those old notions of race, those old notions of gender, with
Raised fists, as we march, taking heed to engender,
A whole new way of life, and a vision to render,
Filled with class consciousness, making us a contender,
Maybe I could lie down, and I could find some rest now,
If we would only stop to realize that we're the real ‘how.’