I’ve started a journal, about things that made me happy today, when really it should be things that kept me from killing myself today.

So I think about why today is not the day, on which I should end my being here, why today is not the day my light will be switched off.
I think about the advantages of not existing. On how easy everything would be. I wouldn’t have to get out of bed every morning, in fact I’d NEVER have to get up ever again. I could just lie there, not even making an effort to breathe – because what difference would it make?

I could spent my time just being nothing, feeling nothing, drowning in air and thoughtlessness for the sole purpose of wasting my time in a place where no time exists. I imagine my head just cooling down, like a laptop shut off after using it for a long time. I can almost feel the heat leaving my body, leaving my brain. I can feel my body getting cold and stiff and how my muscles just let go. They wouldn’t even try. No spasms or anything. They’d just drop to the ground in total exhaustion, thankful for not having to function anymore. My eyes closing, my mind in peace. No darkness or bad feelings, just a void. Floating into a vast nothingness.

It’s a nice thought. So, what is it that keeps me from giving in?

I don’t know. I don’t know why my body or better yet my mind keeps me alive, refusing to enter the state of total stiffness. Maybe there’s still movement, somewhere. Maybe it is because today I saw a grey cat which didn’t run away when I tried to touch her. Maybe it was because she had very soft fur and she purred and she gave me a blink with her eye when I looked at her. Maybe it was because I’ve catched the last train without running, even if I was already late. Maybe it was because the weather forecast predicted heavy rain in the afternoon but the sun just stayed all day.

I don’t know what makes my heart pumping blood day after day, what makes my lungs breathe second by second. I don’t know how this body works, but as for now, I think there must be reason.

Your soft skin is pale and transparent
A no longer beating heart is portruding as if it was so to say: let me finish this.
There wasn’t a chance to finish, you left undone
Your skin still so translucent and clear
Your blue lips sealed as if they were to say: Please be gentle.
You shot yourself in the chest so that your face will remain beautiful
And yes – you’re beautiful as you’re lying there on a cold metal table
Soon scissors and knives will rip open your abdomen and examine what you left behind
Maybe your liver will tell them the stories of how we met at a bar and how you loved drinking too much wine
Maybe your lungs will reveal that – sometimes, when you were mad at me – you smoked cigarettes
Maybe your mouth will speak about that one time we kissed at the cinema for the whole film
Maybe they will forcefully open your eyes to see if you’re still watching
I hope that when they sew you up again, they’ll leave a tiny crack in your chest for your soul to leave
Let it fly out the window and watch sunsets with me

Yesterday I had someone clean your room
The police came and took some things with them
They took your suicide note with them, for the file they say
You’re a file now
They asked about the ****** blanket
And I told them you wrapped yourself into it so that your ****** torso wont make a mess
Which is kind of funny because the mess really just started when they took the blanket and left me there, alone, in an empty room.

the hardest thing to do,
is leave someone you’re still in love with.
but sometimes,
the best thing for you,
isn’t always the easiest.
and, as much as i love you
and everything you do,
the best thing for me,
will never be you.

Silence
Can
Have
An
Echo.