"You can do anything you set your mind to."

What if you lost it along the way?
Is this just another fable I fell for,
a lie I've been told, or something more?
Does it ring true?
And if I've lost my mind,
then how do I know
I really love you?

I used to be one, alpha and alone.
Then I met another and we became two.

A second pair of ones made us group to four.
Separate couples in love conjoined by the door.

I thought, "Yes, perfection resting in one place.
No single forsaken. No odd to replace."
And with the others I began to relate.
Between all my lovers, dancing figure eights.

Confusion was nowhere until one had left.
Disbanding impending, loneliness beset.

For what was I if not dependent on others?
And what was love if not so fragile to shatter?

An odd now, our pairs gone. Back to times once far past.
I should have known dancing figure eights would not last.

Creation, division, subtraction, addition.
Another number reluctant to submission
in hiding behind all these makeshift partitions
preventing us from making our own decisions.

I cast off my labels. I am not a one
because people are people and love is still love.

Whether odd or even, whether large or small,
partners will always forget about it all.

They care for the person and not for the name
which makes it my fault that they left all the same.
I'll still dance with numbers and laugh at their games,
but when sadness takes over, I'm the one to blame.

I'm not number but a person, a fraud,
and love is something of which I was never taught.

The rain fell like snow
A mist above the ground
Gentle as the flakes of winter
Warm as the last days of summer
echoing whispers of birdsong
permeating the air

What was it called again?
That quiet strength it brings
right the wrongs of yesterday
calico thoughts turned to grey
remember the happiness I once had
and form another memory

You . . . you lied to me.
I didn’t know you wanted it so desperately.
Your hopeless desire to be free
Comes crashing down before your feet.
Now, I hope that you can see
All your delusions and conceit,
Your vanity, since you had never broken
A promise or secret spoken,
But now, please take this as a token
Of my shattered trust and heart dismayed.
By you, I have been betrayed.

My heart pounds slowly in my ears
As I think of all the fond memories I’ve had over the years.
I touch my face as my death nears,
But all that’s left is blood and tears.
And now, I’m faced with all my fears
And the scrutiny of all my peers.
Inside me, a rage awoken
By the abuse and insults spoken
Filled with such intense emotion!
They’ve never truly been afraid!
They don’t care how I’ve been betrayed!

I carried their burden and gave them protection.
So why, in return, have I lost their affection?
I stare at my opaque reflection
Asking myself this single question.
No one can achieve perfection,
But why must I suffer their rejection
Over and over with more voices combined
Than can be speculated by one mind?
Why am I alone and blind
With no help coming to my aid?
I lie still here, my conscience swayed.

I lie alone on the cold ground
Wishing hopelessly to be found,
Or to at least be rid of the sound
Of the darkness--weeping--all around.
With the status I am crowned
Comes dangers to which I am bound,
But by the honor to which I’m tethered--
However little, however weathered--
I won’t let a silly, feathered
Raven stop me and get in my way.
Yet, somehow, it led me astray.

It led me to you, a queer butch,
who longed for someone to love and touch,
And, as such,
I gave you my own hand to clutch
And let you use me as your crutch.
I never realized I hurt you so much
By forcing you to stay by my side.
I controlled and nullified
Your sense of judgment, worth, and pride.
But now all that I can say
Is, “Why have I been betrayed?”

You commit deeds without thinking.
You say strange things when going out drinking.
You ignore the chains around you, clinking,
Drowning you in your self-doubt, sinking.
You stare at the sun without blinking,
Blinding yourself from your world’s shrinking.
However did you fall so low?
But from the ashes, phoenix's grow,
No matter how painful and how slow.
You still confound me to this day,
But why, by you, have I been betrayed?

Your motive was to gain your liberty.
You want so badly to be free,
But I never owned you.  I only have me.
I depend solely on myself; wouldn’t you agree?
Or not because you couldn’t see.
You weren’t my slave by my decree.
A mysterious woman with lofty aspirations,
A raven in tow with never-ending patience,
And an elaborate configuration
Of this very time and day.
You’ve murdered me with a sullied blade.

No one’s free, that’s undoubtedly true.
For a fact, just look at you.
Locked in a maze you yourself drew
From cowardice, you stubborn shrew!
Watch with me the mournful sky, blue,
And the ebony raven departing, too.
You look at me with daggers for eyes,
Or what’s left of me as only a corpse lies.
I am left here listening to your cries
Of triumph and grief.  Why defile me in this way?
By you, I have been betrayed.

You’ve hit me with a fatal blow,
You and that oversized crow.
You relish in your success, though
Somehow, you faintly glow
Of sadness and you lose control
Of your emotions buried below.
You’re furious with what you have done,
Killing me, the only one
Who believed in you.  But it’s too late to run.
You cry to yourself, alone, afraid,
As the sins of my soul are being weighed.

You burned my home, my nerves are shaken.
My life and honor have been taken.
If you think you’re forgiven, you are mistaken.
As of now, my hatred has been strengthened.
My inner demons have awakened
As I have been forsaken
By the only one to show
Me love and cherish me, although
My faults are innumerable.  I want you to know…
I’ll never forget your betrayal.
You watch me bleed out, your face deathly pale.

You shout, frustrated, and break a sweat
Knowing you were forever in my debt.
You stumble on words and your own regret
While falling over my burnt chairs and ashen assets.
I whisper to you ghostly threats
And spectral visions make you upset
As you know I am someone who never
Forgets such an atrocious endeavor.
So, yes, you are in my debt forever
As now my trust has been decayed.
Your mind, my demons invade.

Your temper rises, your thoughts waver
As you think of how you can win back my favor.
Away from here, you’d be safer.
I don’t care anymore for revenge, now or later.
So leave here a life-taker,
A fool to stay as the perpetrator.
You may be a traitor but you have seen
The wrong of your actions obscene.
Therefore, I consider you clean
Of the crimes and lies you’ve made.
Slowly, away I fade.

Go!  Go now!  The night’s nigh over!
Soon the blazing sun will take over
And give everyone exposure
To the light, we need to come closer.
Take these words as your closure.
Think things through and be sure.
I no longer wish to conceal
My thoughts for you, bizarre and surreal.
I want you to know and feel
The warmth of the love for you I made.
No longer must you be afraid.

In the end, we all will die
So why do you sit there and cry
As the rain falls from a thunderous sky?
Let go and--like the raven--you too will fly.
Hurry to soar up on high
For I know the end is nigh.
Fly into the somber night.
Try your best to find the light.
Hold it close and hold it tight.
Perhaps others will follow my trail
As I have--not forgotten--but forgiven your betrayal.

What is white?
The amalgamation of all color
combined into a pure beam of light
not turned a muddy brown

And how is this true?
A storm of emotions not resulting in chaos
but in order through
a single shade

White like the snow
White like bones
pure as holy
fair as just
What is white?

There is no real white
no truth, no right
All stained by some other color
because even the most beautiful, wonderful things
have a shadow

My brother slammed the door shut,
banishing the bitter winds outside
from intruding upon our solitude.
Living on our own wasn't as hard as we'd thought it'd be.
"You're back late," I remarked from my seat on the couch.
He ignored me in his sour mood.
I decided to head to bed.
I fulfilled the promise we had made to each other,
to look out for one another
as sister and brother.
The shower ran for a while,
but eventually, I heard him creak up the steps
and took comfort in the fact
that tonight, he came home.

Early the next morning,
in the darkness of dawn,
I stumbled down the stairs to clean up for the day.
I turned on the TV and watched the news.
Another ****** occurred in the area.
I'm convinced it's a demon with unbiased prey.
The channel rolls on.
A car similar to ours was abandoned on the scene.
What was I seeing?
I was just exhausted for the time being.
It must be from the little sleep I got.
He would've never driven so recklessly
and leave the car behind,
only to walk all the way home.

The coffee I had started wasn't finished,
and the casserole I was baking wouldn't be done in time.
I decided to take a shower to clear my head.
I opened the bathroom door, closed for an odd reason,
for we never shut the door,
and was greeted by a scene of red.
The marble sink covered in the handprints of blood.
The white, tiled walls stained and spotted.
A stench rising from the clothes that laid on the floor, knotted,
and in the shower, streaks of red on the bottom.
I covered my mouth in an attempt to stop the scream
coming from the fear boiling inside of me.
Tears streamed from my face.
What did my brother do when he got home?

I took a step back
into my brother's arms.
He pushed me into the cursed room
and jammed the door shut so I couldn't escape.
I fell into the shower, into the pool of dyed water,
and cried from the anticipation of my impending doom.
What was that look in his eyes?
The very thing of which I was so afraid,
looming in the shade
of his humanity's fade?
When had he strayed so far away
and became that way
to allow the devil to reside in his heart?
What had he let into our home?

A few days passed.  I drank from the shower
and rationed what was left of the toothpaste
until one day, my mind snapped.
I couldn't stand remaining in this torturous space
scarred by the blood of someone else.
I no longer wished to be trapped.
I slammed into the door, once, twice,
and the third try it opened,
slightly broken,
and crashed against the wall before closing.
My brother was nowhere to be found,
yet his room, forbidden, was locked somehow.
I broke it open and found a second scene,
a body bleeding out on the floor of my home.

I fell to my knees and wept into my hands,
coated in the blood of my brother.
The knife protruded from his head.
Sirens pulled up to the apartment
and police rushed inside the house I once loved.
they pulled me away from my brother, dead.
I refused to go, so instead, I screamed.
I cried and sobbed loudly.
I couldn't just leave,
so I clung hopelessly to my brother's sleeve.
They demanded me to release him, but I hugged him in my arms.
I couldn't let them take him away too.
I grabbed the knife and felt a pain in my chest,
and collapsed into the darkness enshrouding my home.

What are these droplets upon my face?
Tears?  No.
I call them weakness.

The thunder clouds roll o'er the hills
Their stunning beauty gives me chills
Sky horses in stampede
Afraid of what these awesome creatures
bring unto this world of sorrows
wondering where they'll lead

But when life brings bad weather
I carry my umbrella
and hold it upside down
to catch the rain between the sunshine
to gaze upon it in the moonlight
grateful for what I found

I saw the grace within the lightning
and realized it wasn't so frightening
breathing the calm of the storm
While chaos spun around its fantasy
I witnessed true nature's majesty
and watched the butterflies swarm

Dancing silhouettes in sunlight
dazzling dewdrops of flowery white
pristine beauty I never thought I'd see
Happiness flows like a river
endless stream stretching forever
the first time I've ever felt so free

I wish I were a tree,
to be able to stand tall,
to be strong yet flexible,
and go with the flow of the wind.
To be rooted in the earth,
but reach for the sky
and hold it in my arms.

I wish I were a tree.
One to roll with the punches,
embrace the changes.
To be broken
and stand back up.
To heal my scars
and grow stronger from the pain.

I wish I were a tree
that could brave the storm.
To look it in the eye
and tell it I would survive.
Then take on its wrath
and wait for it to clear,
emerging victorious.

I wish I were a tree
that could gaze down from above.
Observing life
as a part of its majesty.
To give something back.
To have a purpose
and be worth something.

I wish I were a tree.
To make my mark in time.
To be a symbol of strength.
To inspire life in others.
Giving to them shade,
protection from above.

I wish I were a tree,
not a fragile human being
That gets hurt and cannot stand.
That will never reach the stars
and cry from fear of the thunder
of the impending storm.
Who will never have a purpose
or amount to anything.

A person like me
who gets trampled by change
and crushed by expectations
can only have a dream
they can never reach.
Who is broken
and remains that way.

A fickle entity
existing in a breath of time,
causing harm to those around me,
and counting my unhealed wounds.
Solving problems of the past.
Weak in the presence of power.
One to get lost in the storm
and never return.

How I wish I were a tree,
but I’m just a human being.

Cold and shallow shadows
blowing across the snow
in every hope of finding
the world they used to know,
they grab us as we pass them
and draw us toward the dark,
begging for us to save them
from the misery they hold.

They've stolen many a soul,
now trapped within the trees.
The forest's labored breathing
the only proof of the deceased.
The icicles that rattle
as mediums for their songs
of woe and fearsome hatred
doomed to never cease.

When you were taken by them,
disappearing like the rest,
I vowed that I would find you
and free you from their nest.
Were it the frozen wasteland
or the jaws of death itself,
I'd fear not its making
and traverse it nonetheless.

I knew I'd never find you
but I searched each day and night
until the days stopped rising
as the trees swallowed the light.
And in this hinterland hiding
the love to which I'm bound,
I came to accept my passing
as proof of what I found.

Then in the forest shadows
I saw the massive tree
with roots and vines like chains
to hold down what was once free.
A withered, massive birdcage.
An angel nestled inside.
The light dimly glowing
from where the fallen bird did hide.

The angel glanced out coldly
with pitch-black eyes and hair.
Surrounded by death and beauty
was this maiden so fair.
A flower so fragile
within this world of pain.
The captive of the forest,
cast out by pride and shame.

She ne'er woke from her trance,
trapped in this desolate place,
tortured like all the others
within the forest maze.
The only light descending
upon the sullied ground.
The next queen of the forest
and to its cycle bound.

Such cruel words to say
to someone you love

Not "See you later"
or "I'll miss you"

But "Goodbye."

I bid you farewell
though forever it may seem
a thousand years in seconds
as you anxiously watch the clock
And time will keep on moving
just slower to our gaze
a spinning broken record
a time capsule to be bought

How stoic a reminder
of all that we may be
chimes of a bygone era
set in our memories
Returning to it never
though that be the silent hope
but time is unforgiving
as we sit in reverie

Our questions go unanswered
our wishes and our dreams
decaying and forgotten
as we trample on them still
in the senseless hope of finding
the very thing we broke
the hearts of all around us
our thirst for pain fulfilled

And though I say goodbye
as broken as I am
a mere reflection of the truth
in the shattered mirror of life
I welcome all this chaos
and cherish all the pain
because deep down I know
it's proof that I'm alive

Do you feel it?
The disease eating away at your heart?
It slumps in decay and filth,
black with rot and throbbing to the beat of the maggots.
It never starts this way, though.
It grows from the innocence of childhood
into the monster that is truth.

Everyone is planted with a seed
doomed to sprout and overtake them.
It consumes our heart, the gateway to our soul,
and spreads its rot to others.
Eventually, we all end up wilted,
limp with the pain emanating
from every fiber of our beings.

Life is silly that way.
It's a puzzle in every aspect of the word.
You try to finish only to realize
you're missing a single piece.
And as you search for it upon the ground,
everything else begins to crumble.
If left alone, it will atrophy away
and vanish as if it never existed.

They asked why I wanted to commit suicide.
I twisted their words and asked them the same thing.
Is there any point in living?

They said I play a role in the world.
I wondered whether or not the universe was wrong
or if I was always meant to be in pain.

They said I had a family that loved me.
I asked if bruises and burns were signs of their love.

They said I had friends who depended on me.
I asked if friends steal your food and money.
Were friends supposed to put me down
and treat me like the trash I am?

They said I had something to live for.
I inquired as to what that could be.

They said they cared about me.
I called out their desperate attempt to stop me.
Did you care about me before you knew anything?
Are you just saying sweet things to get close to me
only to leave me behind like the rest?

They said everyone makes mistakes.
I told them, the only mistake in my life
was existing in the first place.

I explained the paradigm I discovered.
Those who feel the most pain
have the darkest hearts.
Once it's all rotten and wilted,
the monster takes over and shows them the truth.
The only meaning in life
is death.

Everything is made only to die.
We serve no true purpose,
just existing to cease existing.
A never-ending cycle I wanted no part of.

They refuted my claim, but I could see
they were still searching for that lost puzzle piece.
Purpose.
They thought it had fallen when in reality,
it was never placed in the box.

They said I was mistaken.
They were right.
Living was a mistake.

A single word entered my mind
and exited with ease,
but behind it lay a trail of blood
streaking the muddied ground.
It led into the dark abyss
that ne'er been touched by light,
for the eclipse of a new moon
watched the silent and endless night.
I held my lantern higher still
to pass the foggy way,
suppressing my fears with every step
beside the glowing flame.
And in the brewing clouds above,
contorted faces screamed.
They howled and wailed in hopeless song,
demanding to be freed,
but their cries were never to be heard
and fell upon deaf ears,
and once aware, they wept and sobbed,
watering the forest with their tears.
The trees hadn't a need for rain;
they were already dead,
so it pooled along the path I strode
where the blood had once led.
In the darkness, glowing eyes
studied the earth where I had stepped
and whispered foul expressions;
things I shall never forget.

I clutched the lantern tighter,
but the flame was almost out.
It flickered before being swallowed
by the unforgiving gloom.
Then from the shadows echoed the word
between the crooked stone,
and with it a flurry of voices
of the people I had known.
The screeching wind--with its sharp fangs--
whipped me until I knelt
and cowered in horror,
hiding the pain I felt.
These waking dreams tormented me
but offered me a deal.
Continuous temptations made me think,
"this isn't real."
Were it not for this thought,
but in my other ear,
the devil whispered to me
exactly what I wanted to hear,
I would be gone.  But the promise of light
compelled me to open my eyes,
and the wind had blinded me
from seeing the demon's lies.
The temptations were too strong,
and the devil led me away.
Death still lingers o'er the forest
that shall never see the day.