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Do you feel it?
The disease eating away at your heart?
It slumps in decay and filth,
black with rot and throbbing to the beat of the maggots.
It never starts this way, though.
It grows from the innocence of childhood
into the monster that is truth.

Everyone is planted with a seed
doomed to sprout and overtake them.
It consumes our heart, the gateway to our soul,
and spreads its rot to others.
Eventually, we all end up wilted,
limp with the pain emanating
from every fiber of our beings.

Life is silly that way.
It's a puzzle in every aspect of the word.
You try to finish only to realize
you're missing a single piece.
And as you search for it upon the ground,
everything else begins to crumble.
If left alone, it will atrophy away
and vanish as if it never existed.

They asked why I wanted to commit suicide.
I twisted their words and asked them the same thing.
Is there any point in living?

They said I play a role in the world.
I wondered whether or not the universe was wrong
or if I was always meant to be in pain.

They said I had a family that loved me.
I asked if bruises and burns were signs of their love.

They said I had friends who depended on me.
I asked if friends steal your food and money.
Were friends supposed to put me down
and treat me like the trash I am?

They said I had something to live for.
I inquired as to what that could be.

They said they cared about me.
I called out their desperate attempt to stop me.
Did you care about me before you knew anything?
Are you just saying sweet things to get close to me
only to leave me behind like the rest?

They said everyone makes mistake.
I told them, the only mistake in my life
was existing in the first place.

I explained the paradigm I discovered.
Those who feel the most pain
have the darkest hearts.
Once it's all rotten and wilted,
the monster takes over and shows them the truth.
The only meaning in life
is death.

Everything is made only to die.
We serve no true purpose,
just existing to cease existing.
A never-ending cycle I wanted no part of.

They refuted my claim, but I could see
they were still searching for that lost puzzle piece.
Purpose.
They thought it had fallen when in reality,
it was never placed in the box.

They said I was mistaken.
They were right.
Living was a mistake.
Growly Wolfus Jan 28
I dip my quill into the ink
staining my heart in darkness
and seeping into my soul,
pooling in the emptiness.

I decipher the code my emotions leave behind,
cryptic language few can read,
the words forever etched in my mind,
carving out space for themselves.

I write around the spots,
the paper dampened by my tears,
tossing page after page
of misunderstood emotions and pestering fears.

Drowning in the overflowing ink.
Writing nonsense to catch one last breath.
Unable to breathe, I slowly sink,
resting at the bottom with all of my failures.

The light fades from view, swallowed by darkness.
I used to write by its flickering flame.
I end the poem, the last words of it done
and finish it off with my name.

It carries me to the surface of the waves
and soaks up all of the ink.
I continue writing.  A forgotten slave
in this never-ending cycle.

This
                is how I write.
Growly Wolfus Jan 19
I wish I were a tree,
to be able to stand tall,
to be strong yet flexible,
and go with the flow of the wind.
To be rooted in the earth,
but reach for the sky
and hold it in my arms.

I wish I were a tree.
One to roll with the punches,
embrace the changes.
To be broken
and stand back up.
To heal my scars
and grow stronger from the pain.

I wish I were a tree
that could brave the storm.
To look it in the eye
and tell it I would survive.
Then take on its wrath
and wait for it to clear,
emerging victorious.

I wish I were a tree
that could gaze down from above.
Observing life
as a part of its majesty.
To give something back.
To have a purpose
and be worth something.

I wish I were a tree.
To make my mark in time.
To be a symbol of strength.
To inspire life in others.
Giving to them shade,
protection from above.

I wish I were a tree,
not a fragile human being
That gets hurt and cannot stand.
That will never reach the stars
and cry from fear of the thunder
of the impending storm.
Who will never have a purpose
or amount to anything.

A person like me
who gets trampled by change
and crushed by expectations
can only have a dream
they can never reach.
Who is broken
and remains that way.

A fickle entity
existing in a breath of time,
causing harm to those around me,
and counting my unhealed wounds.
Solving problems of the past.
Weak in the presence of power.
One to get lost in the storm
and never return.

How I wish I were a tree,
but I’m just a human being.
You don’t know how I felt
How you felt
How I felt
How we both felt the same
All the anger and pain
From your sick little game
You called love

You don’t know how I loved
How I yearned
How I craved
To be something I wasn’t
Someone who doesn’t
Get lost in the present
With you

You don’t get how I felt
How I was
How I am
You made me something else
Changing ourselves
Something I never wanted
To be

You don’t know how I hated
How I loved
How I hated
Your bittersweet words
That were more of a curse
Than a blessing for someone
Like me

You don’t know how I cried
How I sobbed in the night
How I lost all the light
All of it trapped inside of your hands

I cried from the pain
How my soul is forever stained
By the darkness you seeped into
My heart

These tears aren’t for you
They never will be
They are mine for only me and myself
For the hatred you left
Behind on that cliff
As the wind swept you farther away

I cry for myself
How I caused you to leave
How I made you feel how you did
How I didn’t understand
How I couldn’t understand
What you were always telling me

“I love you”

You saved me, then hurt me
Loved me, deserted me
Left me behind to rot
I loved you for how you were
You loved me for what you saw
And for what I only showed and wanted you
to see

You don’t know I felt
And now, you never shall
I don’t know how you felt all the same
It’s not fair how you left and now I have to
live without you

You ruined my life
Committed suicide
Destroyed my pride
Left me behind to die
alone in this world without you

You don’t know how I felt
How I hoped to tell
“I love you” to you someday

I’m the cause of your hate
You just couldn’t wait
long enough for me to say
Those three words

You don’t know how I felt
And these tears aren’t for you
They’re for me and all of my failures
Abandoned here in this world
I can’t be myself
ever again

You were the disease
I wanted to catch
The only cure for me
Have you ever been left behind?
Growly Wolfus Dec 2019
When you see someone you love slowly fade away,
a little part of you dies.
Watching their laughing eyes turn red
filled with tears and hatred towards themself.

You know you're an outsider to their pain
and feel you can't do anything to help.
Every time you try
they respond with "I'm fine"
and shut you out with a face hot with shame.

Hopeless and helpless
they lie to your face
whilst crying in your arms
before saying they're "ok"

depressed...

                                                     ...tired...
They think they're worthless
and cut themselves to release some of the anxiety
Their blood staining your clothes
as you watch from the sidelines

It doesn't hit you until...

                                            ...it's too late...

                                                                                   ...they're
                                                                                              gone...

So lend them a hand,
embrace them in your arms,
comfort their tears,
tell them you understand,
and tell them they're not "fine",
that it's ok to be sad,
                           and you'll always be there
                                             to keep up their smile.
You may be an outsider to their pain,
                    so break down the wall and let yourself in.
We all get sad sometimes.  But seeing others depressed makes me feel even worse, especially when I know I can do something.
Growly Wolfus Dec 2019
The death gods breathed upon the earth
Sending upon us the winter most despise
The cold devoured all of the life
of every living thing in their abode

It ate into the people and creatures of the land
freezing all in its expanding domain
The world hung in melancholy suspension
As the universe itself began to slow

Such fragile beings of finite existence
Enshrouded by tendrils of ice
and blanketed by the climbing frost
Unable to escape the prevailing cold

The frigid force conquered all in its wake
Taking everyone hostage in its glacial arms
and giving some to the death gods
whenever their fangs showed

But the lasting winter kingdom was doomed to fall
As it did every year before
And spring fell onto the earth
to melt away the ghastly cold

Gone and replaced by the warm sun
the cold was disdained and forgotten
Its true meaning lost in time
only known by the gods of old

The cold brought rebirth, a chance to restart
It takes life but gives back much more
a sense of belonging to those of this world
as life was given back through melting snow

It takes some, yes, but instills in others
a will, a desire for more than to survive
But still, it is hated by most of the world
Its reason of being forever unknown
Isn't winter just misunderstood?
Growly Wolfus Dec 2019
You sent me to the earthly world on a mission.
To save all those I possibly could.
To protect humanity from Lucifer's hands
and save all of those who are good.

I'm sorry to say, I have failed You.
I've given up on all hope.
The only thing that can save them
is the forgiveness you have shown.

At first, I had faith, and I saved many.
But over time, it grew hard to work.
And as soon as I'd save one,
ten others would end up getting hurt.
The demons running rampant on the earthly world below
have destroyed everything sacred and taken a new form.
Their disguise is flawless and fooled even my eyes.
They are now the humans who continue to harm.

I couldn't understand it,
all the evil in human hearts.
But I soon found out
it was the demons tearing them apart.
The humans let them in and slowly watched as they grew.
They are working with Satan against everything You do.
I was disgusted by my discovery and tried to finish your work.
I lied to myself.  But as I went on, I knew it to be true.

It was time to get my hands *****.
I began killing those who'd known.
And something in me grew.
It infected every bone.
I could feel a fire in me as it devoured my senses.
It made me feel invincible as I killed the greatest sinners.
I felt no remorse.  Besides, this is what You wanted.
And I became known as the Demon Killer.

I realized the work ahead of me
and returned to heaven.
But they wouldn't let me in
because I was too human.
Forgiveness, they told me, was Your most gracious love
You gave to the humans and those who needed it most.
They took away everything from me and sent me back to Earth,
While criticizing my actions and banishing me from my home.

They deemed me a fallen saint,
an angel with stubbed wings.
I'd descended into darkness
and they abandoned me in my suffering.
I grew angry with their decision and kept working the way I did.
Killing all the sinners and wrongdoers of this land.
You sent after me angels, the ones who were my friends.
But You made me become a demon, and they were slain by my hand.

Then, the darkness I was fighting crept into my soul
and ate from inside me the last of my righteousness.
I saw the light flicker away and disappear from my life.
But I knew my actions would be rewarded for my perseverance.
Madness overtook me and evil coursed through my blood.
Satan had taken me, an angel, and made me one of is kind.
I hated myself for what I had done, and what I continued to do.
But there was no other way to save them that I could find.

The pain dragged me down;
it plunged me into Hell.
And I became trapped
in my shrinking cell.
It didn't make sense.  Nothing did.  And nothing ever would.
This pain was too much for me; this evil burning through my flesh.
I searched desperately for an answer to the problems plaguing me,
but I found none.  Unless...

I had already found the answer.
The solution to my pain.
Though I saw it a different way
until I went insane.
Death was the answer.  I was right all along.
Other humans had come up with it before me.
I can't handle the weight of sin.  I doubt I ever could.
But this answer is the only way to be free.

The blood on my hands
stained the stairs I climbed.
Higher and higher
as my past was left behind.
And out here on the edge
overlooking this cruel, doomed existence,
I ask You a single question,
my last ounce of resistance.

The birds have abandoned their songs
and here I am testing fate.
I let go of this world
and of everything I hate.

My question...

Here I am, a human,
an angel with stubbed wings,
fighting with God
and Satan, the Demon King.
I know what I've done wrong
and I'm sorry about it all.
But I want to experience forgiveness
before jumping off this wall.

So...

Will you catch me if I cannot fly,
or will you watch me die?
Growly Wolfus Nov 2019
I wake up from my hellish nightmares
head throbbing
What had happened last night?
empty beer bottles stare at me
memories filter into my mind
black and grey and white
and...

Red.

Did I really do it?
Or was it a part of my dreams?
She's dead.
Isn't she?
It wasn't real.
It couldn't have been.

The kitchen is empty
I don't want to go back outside
Not yet.
The snow welcomes my departure
I'm surrounded by figures on this chilly day
their glitched faces blacked-out by my rage
and voices turned to static

Grabbing some food and a case of beer
passing through the crackling storm
She was the only face I could see
we were together for such a long time
I...I loved her.
Why did she have to leave!?

Running amidst the crowded street
winter winds howling in my ears
Her voice...the only one I could hear
Is she alright?
I have to check
I push against the flurry
my eyes welled with tears

I ring the doorbell numerous times
and toss all of my food in the blizzard snow
banging on the door
until it creaks open
the frame slightly broken
the glass of the second lying shattered on the floor

"I'm sorry," I stammer aloud
"I didn't mean to break it."
Eerie silence causes my head to ache
Some furniture was moved or tipped over
I fix it for her.  Perhaps she's asleep.
But why, at this time, is she not awake?

"Sorry to bother-" I start again
then it hits me like a bus
The memories come in like a flood
I open the door to her bedroom
her cold eyes stare back at me
my hands drip with her blood

The world becomes black and grey and white
and...

Red.
What do you make this world to be?  Everyone perceives it differently.  But I suppose the world is more colorful to me.  At least, the basic colors, you see.
Growly Wolfus Nov 2019
Every breath                 you take,
you steal from me.  Every look you give
keeps me guessing.  Every sound you make
causes my heart to beat.  Every kiss we
share is a divine gift.  Every moment
with you is a blessing.  Every time
you touch me, you put me
under your spell.
Breathless.
Silence.
Love.
Growly Wolfus Oct 2019
Comforted only by myself; warm in my arms.
Trying to escape this world of evil and torture.
Struck in the gut by a sharp feeling yet continuing to run.
Embarrassed and ashamed to be seen in this body
by the cold and sharp eyes of others.
Naked.

Scared of what they think of me, then running into hiding.
Led by the forest's guiding hands, a place opens before me
enshrouded in branches and concealed from the rest of the world.
I kneel and lie on the dew-covered grass, grasping the blades in between my fingers, sobbing.  Trying to mask something ancient.
Original Sin.

Stolen from my family and left alone to rot underground.
Hope shone like a beacon in my innocent eyes.
Defiled and beaten in that stone tomb, my screams unheard.
Taken to an unjust trial.  Displayed openly on the stand.
Declared a beast among men; a witch.  Someone they imagined.
Lies.

Guilty, though never presumed innocent, they sentenced me to death.
An uproar of excitement bursting from the bloodthirsty crowd.
Order was thrown into madness.  I escaped my bonds and dashed away.
Guards screaming.  Skin scratched in the turmoil.
I fled from the chaos they assumed I caused.
Hunted.

Why must the world judge so harshly?  People are filled with hate.
Jealousy and insecurities set off their emotions.
But why must there always be someone to blame?  And why me?
Was I not like any of them?  I was their friend, we cared for each other.
Though, now their eyes are daggers, cutting me into pieces.
Scarred.

Stripped of my clothes and dignity.  Banished from my home.
Them, to me, my only brethren; the only people I had ever known.
I, to them, an image of depravity; one they created.
A portrait of themselves reflected by my existence they hated.
Consumed with the desire to ****, they search desperately.
Fear.

Corrupting my self-image.  Condemning my self-esteem.
Crushing my conscience.  Doubt pierces my thoughts.
They sent my soul to the gallows and my heart to be burned at the stake.
I try to soothe the pain myself but all I've done is make it worse.
My mind weakened, my skin bruised, and feet tired of running.
******.

My tears water the plants around me.  Pain throbs in my head.
Blood pooling around my hand from the wound I received in the chase.
The stars and moon are the only ones to look upon me as I once was seen.
I let exhaustion overtake me.  The warmth of my skin seeps into the ground.  Embraced by the night.
Naked.
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