We were exactly the same
Except not
Exactly
You were a real person whereas I
Am fake, everything about me is borrowed and reproduced
The rope keeping me Tethered is frayed and loose
You and I were exactly the same
Except you were better than me
And it wasn’t your fault, maybe it was my fault
Because I always tried to be you
But no one can be you
No one can be me
But who would want to be me
When all I do is try to be other people
I’m selfish
I care about other people, but sometimes I don’t
Hysteria is a daily routine
I’m over dramatic and fake
I feel manufactured and plastic
You know I’m selfish because the only pronouns I use are me, me me and I
I need to think about other people
I need to be myself

I’m falling
No, I’m fine
Right now
I’m up and down
Never the same
Can’t pinpoint my emotions
Flying through the air
Then the next minute
Crashing through the sea
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
It’s like a malfunction in my software
I’m a glitch and everyone around me is okay
Everything is fine
But I’m upset
Then I’m happy
No not quite happy
Not quite anything
But not numb either
I don’t know what’s wrong
Will I ever?

My mother thinks my father killed himself
He was crushed to death
I don’t know how
I was never told
But I’ve come to understand that his death might not have been accidental
According to my mother
He had a few mere seconds of unbearable pain before he passed
At the funeral while my family mourned
I wondered how anyone could look so lifeless and feel so cold
I was four
He looked like he was in a soundless slumber
Having the most pleasant peaceful dream
After the funeral
A blonde haired women glared at me as I started to cry
I never knew her name
Years later I would only know my father by his old t-shirts my mother would wear to bed
As my mother spun out of control
I spun on the merry-go round wondering why life was so cold
As I spun, empty and motionless
Six year old me would see a father pushing his girls on the swing set
Only I would find that unbearable to see
A year later, when I am seven a new father comes along
He is nice, at first
three months later
He is your stepfather
The only one you could ever remember
The one you wish you could forget
Years later you’ll keep his secrets
And he’ll tell all yours
My mother thinks my father killed himself
Sometimes you’ll wish he didn’t

Chest pain is an agony that only ice-cold water can soothe
A chicken scratch throat, sore from the coughing only misery brings
My heart tells me to leave without you, to never ride along with you
When I feel like the person I once was is a ghost, a person long forgotten by this shell of an empty shallow being
Who looks in the mirror to see her own ghastly reflection each morning and thinks to herself if only this were the last time
The last time, she’d have to see this face, this body
Hear the broken vocals this shell can utter
It gets unbelievably easy to isolate yourself from the people you once thought held the world for you
Now you wouldn’t mind decaying before the ones you love as long as it meant that the spiral would end
Bottling fireflies in your belly, locking the key, burying it deep
It’s easy to be alone, it’s easy to shut everything out
But so incredibly difficult to say so

Every year I forget how much I hate fireworks
The pop and bang, blinking as fast as I can
Like closing my eyes will make the sound go away
It won’t you know that fact too well
No one has ever been able to figure out why you hate loud noises so much
You were never in the military
You’ve never been around bombs
Just the explosion that was your childhood
Every word, every screamed silence you made into your pillow when no sound came out
Every slap of ice stained teeth gritting against the broken promises spewn
Pounding marble countertops so hard you thought you would fall down
Every “I Hate you”
“Don't leave me”
When you just wanted them to breakup
Even though you should have never been involved
Because you were a child and children should never play with the deadly match of a distinguished marriage
No child should ever have to worry about that because it’s out of their mind capacity
They don’t know when too much is time to stop
When the fuse might burn their hands
If they’re not careful
No-one stopped to take care of the bleeding wound that resulted
Your pain wasn't as relative as theirs
An ongoing struggle in the battle of “I'm right, you're wrong”
Let’s work this out
Go away
That fire can burn a hole through your heart if you let it
Good thing mine is completely cold

Black nail polish
You’re a scream away from what you started
He wanted the flower girl you used to be
Years later you’ll dress like that girl
So angry at the world
Hopeless
I’ve grown from the anger
Now I sit in a field of lilies
And I don’t dream of what my life would’ve been like if he didn’t like flower girls
I’m comfortable in the silence that is now my brain
No more screaming

Hold me like a prayer
Broken wings spread
Ready for flight
Caress me like a rose petal
Delicate, fragile, wilting
Fix me like the cars you’re always working on
I’m slowing down
Can’t finish this race
I can’t fly
I’m weighing you down

I want to forget
Anything bad that I’ve ever been through
I wish I could forget
Nothing would matter to me anymore
I could just relax
And not be
Stressed
Or sad

He made the mistake of dancing in my storm
When nothing good comes out of this
Tears rain down
And I can’t control it
I’m too much for everybody
It hurt when he left
But he did it
for his own safety
I am too much for a world that is too little
When the story ends
You start fire to my forest
While my tears pour to put it out

Bruising the eye of the beholder
She means nothing to me
When the only thing I care about is you
Betrayal is lost in the abyss we call our lives
I never meant to hurt you
Can’t you see I did this for you
Don’t you know, that I did this to make you stronger
I did this to protect you
This wasn’t to hurt you
I swear I never meant to leave you there alone

It started again in July
The warm weather could never lift my spirits
As I have always been cold from the inside
Out, let me out
I’ve been trapped in a snowstorm since I was nine
Shivering in the warmth from the ice in my veins
The tsunami started in the school bathroom
After following my sister to the bathroom after dinner time
Night after night peeking through the cracks
To see her methods
The acidic volcano laid dormant inside me for a couple of years
Until I began to grow
Sprouting towards the sky like a sunflower
All I could think about was my waist
I hated it, I tried every method to destroy myself
And the monstrous overgrowth that devoured my forever changing body
Until one day I didn’t feel how hungry I was
The growling was silenced
All I could hear was her harsh voice droning me through
Take another step, don’t fall down
115 pounds of pure solid ice
The way down my throat is slippery
My fingers thin bunched together for the warmth that they could provide each other
Water is the only thing that comes out
The voice still haunts me
And somedays I wonder why my garden of a body had to be denied of sunlight
When I embraced the freeze
And hurled my body through
Body, I am so sorry

We were friends
From the day we first met to this moment
We had miles of hurt behind us
And an empty road of beginnings in front
I was the steadfast one
The loyal and cautious
You were the wild one
Crazy and spellbound
Both of us recoiling from the pain we caused each other
We made eye contact
You looked ,I looked
For a brief moment
It was like things were the same again

**** her!
I was scared
She was an adult
I was 10
I was 11,12,13,14
15!
I grew up being molested
I grew up in fear
She’s the one who put me there
Who kept me there
Why?
If she was so scared why didn’t she try to leave
She didn’t even try once
Because she loved him more than me
She didn’t care what was happening to me

To be women is to be delicate
Swooning over silence
Quiet, lips zipped
Soft, demure
To be women is to ask no questions
To know every answer
To be obedient
Not to be scolded to know our place
To be women is to be delicate
To be male is to be strong
Never cracking under pressure
Brave, outspoken
Loud, tough
To be male is to be her hero
Even when you don’t deserve to be
To know every question before it is asked
To be male is to be strong

I had all of you
Some of you
Then none
I’m haunted by the memory of you
I can feel him slipping through my fingers
Once again I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten attached
Because I’ve given my heart already, he doesn’t know

I want to be the perfect girl for you
I want you to be able to think back on these years fondly
Looking back wondering how we ever drifted apart
If I have to lie to you
To protect you then I will
You don’t need the real me in your life
Baby, I’m a drag
I’m not perfect, I’m not what you deserve
I’m not pretty enough, smart, funny enough
I’m not the princess you think I am
I don’t want you to feel like you have to catch me when I fall
I love you but I don’t want you to feel like your burdened with a girl who can’t get it together
So I won’t tell you
Because I don’t want you to think I’m crazy
Or just maybe
That I don’t care enough about you
That I’m throwing my problems at your feet
That I’m making everything about me
Though sometimes I wish someone was there to hold me when I get like this
But I should be able to get through this myself
What would happen if you were gone?
Who would I lean to?
I need to get my act together
I need to straighten out my life before I bend and break
I just want it to be me and you at the lake
And I’ll do anything, anything it takes
To be a normal girl
To be your normal girlfriend
To be the girlfriend you deserve

Girl with wide eyes
Says she overdosed
They say they don’t know why
Maybe she was just upset that day
Her mother gave her a notebook
That said “Life is what you make it”
Then left her alone
She told many people
How afraid she was of her own mind
How she didn’t want to be alive anymore
How she was running out of time
But nobody listened
And now they’re all surprised
That a quiet little girl with wide eyes
Felt this way inside
Her mother didn’t care
She told her many times
Of the times when she hurt herself
Even showed her the scars
Her mother didn’t help
Ignored her cries
This wasn’t her first time
But it was by far the worst
She took an entire bottle of aleve
Then waited for her pain to be relieved
But it wasn’t, her stomach cramped and she threw up
Nine hospital days later
Her ***** was still in the toilet unflushed
The pills still in a row
Her tear-soaked note
Exactly the way she left it
No one cared to go up there
To see what she had done
No one cared until
Law enforcement got involved
She was struggling
But nobody
Heard her

Bone skeletons and hallowed corspes  
It’s not hard to pick out the ones that are already dead
Circus freak girls who look in the funhouse mirrors and see elephants staring back at them
Shrunken rib bones form into a cage that at this point barely holds a soul
Mix my blood into the many glasses of water you’ll drink today
So you too can feel hollow and empty
Fragile like broken glass, skin thin as paper
Insides cold as ice, snow glob girl trapped in breakable glass
Lipid eyes and blue fingernails
Unhealthy has become a muse
Heroine eyes and thin lipped smiles
Glass will eventually shatter, fruit will rot
Scraped skin and bruised knees
Pink lemonade daydreams
I am the definition of sick
Of self harm, of mental illness
I am the change, the willingness to get better
I have been broken but I know how to put myself back together
I can help you put yourself back together
It’s hard but all you need is glue
It’s starts with you

I fall apart when men smile at me
I fall apart in grocery stores
On-street corners
I just have to remind myself
That they don’t want anything from me
They’re just being nice
This trauma has a grip on me
And just won’t let go
A venomous snake coiled around its prey
Suffocating me until I can’t breathe
Screaming “everything is okay”
When it’s not
You’re not there anymore
You’re in the grocery store
You’re not a scared little girl anymore

I can’t forgive her
More than that I don’t want to forgive her
I don’t want to heal according to some book
That doesn’t know me or what I’ve been through
I don’t want to read a book
That wants me to forgive, forget and accept her back into my life
Because I won’t do that
I can’t do that
Yes I’m hurt
Yes I’m angry
But I don’t want to hurt according to the guidelines
Of somebody else

God, I'm so gullible...

I used to want him to love me
So I'd pretend that he was my dad
Now I know that his kind of love was wrong
He was very evil, very bad

I’d cut my hair
If I knew it wasn’t you
Who liked it
So long
Flowing down my back
Break free
Snip
Maybe I’ll do it anyway

Hands, Hands
His hands
Hands, I can see them in my mind
I can still feel them
Hands, Hands
Go away!

Hating yourself isn’t poetry
The title of a playlist with indie pop music says
If that’s true then I’m not a poet
These aren't poems but declarations of my demise
I have never written anything truly special
Just my feelings, I wish I was special
Writing something that doesn’t start with the word I
I don’t want to be like this anymore
What’s wrong with me?
Why does everyone leave
Feelings are old
Frosted over, delayed
Am I a real poet?
Or do I just market off of my pain
Do I trap people in a pool of pity
With my rhyming diary entries
Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it
If it’s helping
I hope it is

Late night on the phone
But he never seems too far away
My heart tears in agony
Softly screaming
The sound of his voice is reassurance
He’s here
My heart is jumping again

Stop trying to help people so much
It only gets you in trouble
I guess

Hey November
Raise your sleepy eyes
Tell me what you remember
When you first took a stand
Why were you scared?
I thought you could do anything
What’s so hard about telling the truth
It’s the only thing that can save you
Hey November
What happened to the pretty smile
Did the glare from outside eyes ***** you?
They didn’t see what you did
I’m glad you finally found your voice
Even if it took years
Hey November
Why do you do the things you do?
The things that harm you
Who makes you do these things?
He’s long gone now
He can’t coax the small child out of a growing woman anymore
Hey November
Please stop doing these things
They affect me more than you know
Make me feel inferior
Crazy
I’m not crazy
Hey November
Cry
It’s gonna be okay
Eventually
Sincerely future me

I can feel him over my shoulder
His body, His breath in my ear
I’ve never been holy
I cannot be saved
But I can hear him
Above me
I can feel his song
Swirling around me
I am enough
I am worthy
I have been through a lot
But sometimes it’s worth the price it pays
I’m safe
I have someone to protect me
Someone who cares about me
Who shed their love so I could find the light

She bleeds honey
Glitter runs from her eyes
Sugar lips
Scream
I run my hands down her
Cotton candy body
My greedy eyes burn into hers
Hungry

When I drive
By your house
I look for you
Against  my will
I have to
Just anything to see you
Even though I don’t love you anymore
Even though you never loved me
Seeing you just reminds me
How beautiful and cruel the world can be
Even though you never loved me
Even though you never cared
Just because you didn’t doesn’t mean I can’t
You probably think this is about you
Without knowing anyone else I’ve been with
But none of them made me hurt like you did

I am drinking a diet coke and dying
You know that you’re sick when even the stench of food makes you want to gag
And it’s easy now to make other excuses for why you’re not eating, because there not excuses anymore
Food just doesn’t taste like it should anymore, it makes my stomach feel tight and uncomfortable even when I’m eating a small amount
I feel disgusted after I eat a big meal, and sometimes it’s hard to hold back my *****
But now I can’t purge my food because I’ve already destroyed my gag reflex brushing my tongue is a nightmare
I can say that my eating disorder is in the past but it always seems to creep back into my life slowly like an unforgotten ex slipping into my sheets, infecting my brain, making me sick
There's just foods that I can’t stand the sight of anymore, and I don’t know if it’s because of my pills or my eating disorder
I can’t stand most cheeses
Most chocolates
Sweet things in general
Anything dripping with grease makes me want to hurl
When I imagine my “perfect body” I want to be curvy but so thin my ribs show with tall legs and small hips
You can only be either or
You can’t have all
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
I’ve spent time with other people like me, and it made me realize just how sick I am and how sick eating disorders are in general
That’s why I need to write about this and talk about this so maybe one day i can stop feeling like this and make sure no one else decides to do this
Eating disorders are nothing to make light of
Cleaning your ***** out of the bathtub is not what I imagined I’d be doing when I was my goal weight
Along time ago this used to be my goal weight, but I am never done
Eating disorders are a virus infecting your system, a fungus infecting your brain
Collarbones and hip bones are not the only thing that matter
I am drinking diet coke and dying
I used to be so ashamed to talk about it, because when you’re sick it’s embarrassing to talk about it
But you need to talk about so you can get help for it, and make sure that no one else feels like that
Worshipping the way your body feels in a corset you wear under your clothes hands stitched from years of looking in the mirror and hating your body
Fabricated from the lies you told yourself, when you tried to convince the world you weren’t sick
You’re sick and you need to talk about this so no one else feels sick too
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
But I will stop so you don’t have to

I once loved you so much it hurt to breathe
Like a catostrophache storm clouding over me
I once loved you like a kitten loves string
I once loved you more than bees love spring
But after awhile seasons change ,and kittens grow up
And now I don’t need anybody to tell me for me to feel loved
I am as loved as moths to light
I am as loved as stars to night
I am loved because I am me
That’s all I ever wanted to see

You know that I only wanted to protect you
I swear I didn't’ mean to let this happen to you
I am your mother
And you belong to me
How can you hate your mother?
I birthed  and coddled you
Burped and fed you when you could barely stand for yourself
I changed my whole life for you
I let my body go to carry you
So that  you could live
What does it matter if he hurt you?
I loved you
The least you could’ve done for me was to love him too
I am your mother
You belong to me
Listen to me
it doesn’t matter that I chose him
Because you’ve skipped over me your whole life
And I was  your mother

Gunshot
Raining knives
All the ways to hurt yourself with one letter
You’re not even real
I mean
How can the person staring back at you with the dead eyes possibly have any soul left to save?
Dangerous, honey you’ve reached your peak
High as a **** kite
Ready to take flight into the nightosphere
You’re poison like ketamine
Flame burning like gasoline
Baby stop, before you hurt yourself
You know everyone is waiting to see that

I could’ve destroyed him
But I didn’t
Lucky him

I feel your presence in the air
Through and though I’m on my way
Marching forward till the morrow
I’m almost there, love
No walls can hide you
Because I can sense your quickened heartbeats
Matching in time to the harp of drum
I can see you now
Staring out the glistened window
Down, down your golden hair
Fair skin, gold like wheat
Pale like snow
I’m here below
Call out your name
From tired eyes to lipstick coated teeth
Rouged cheeks, turn to see me leave

Seconds seem to last hours when I’m around you
It’s not a bad thing, it’s like the entire world stops and yields to our time
Like the hourglass freezes and it’s just you and me
Intertwined, slow dancing in the dark kitchen apartment
Trust in me because I believe in you
You’ve taught me there’s more to men than ruthlessness
You’ve shown me patience and gentleness I had yet to see to believe

I have to see him
He’ll sit at the same table as me
If my mom is there
I think I’ll ball
I have to be brave
I’m afraid I’ll cry
His eyes are so cold
And angry
And scary
I have nightmares about them
About him
And what happened
Him screaming at me
To shut up
That I’m lying
That nothing I ever do is good enough
That not even my own mother could love me enough
I have to be brave
Even though every day I want to cry
Even though i’ve been skipping meals when I’m upset
Even though everytime I think about it or speak about it
The words ***** out of my mouth
And I’m okay
I’m fine
I’m crying
I’m brave
He’s not here
He can’t hurt me
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m okay I promise
I’m not bleeding on the inside
I’m not having flashbacks
Okay I am
Every day
Every minute
That’s all I can think about
But I’m okay
I’m fine
I promise

I am only half yours
My lover
The other parts of me are in recovery
Healing
Please forgive me
Body
Please understand, love

Sererinpidity
I’m so dumb
Why am I happy all of a sudden
Repeat
I don’t need
Anyone
I like myself
Self-love
That’s what I need

My body comes with instructions
Don’t touch me there
Kind words, she’s fragile
It’s hard to be so breakable
Made of glass
Tip-toe around me, eggshells
Memories of foreign skin
Rougher times
Where she had to fight not to scream
Creepy crawly snakes
That are still wrapped around her body
Worms that nestle themselves in her ear
Worthless
Liar
Stupid
Fully undressed
She looks like a stranger
She can still see him behind her in the mirror

In this moment I love you
It doesn’t matter what I don’t know about you
But everything about you fits so perfectly
In this moment
In my world where nothing ever goes right
Except when it does
In this moment
My heart is yours
This time
Am I stupid?
I am in love with you
Right now

Yellow lights flash
Why won’t you stop
I was there
You weren't
You can’t tell me I didn’t see what I did
You can’t tell me it didn’t happen
Because I was there
I know sides of him you never did
I know the evil
I know the coaxing
The “is this alright”
You didn’t see how I shook
When I stood there and didn’t say anything
When I wished you wouldn’t have forced me to go
Because he was not my husband
He was yours
I wish I never even met him
I wish I never met you

I used to dream of my own funeral
Every night
I used to wish for the release of darkness
The relief of pain gone and bright tomorrows
In the skies
That they call heaven
Or hell
Or nothing
Whatever they call the place that your pain doesn’t follow your every move
Where your tears don’t cloud your eyes
When you’re safe
And you don’t have to worry about anyone hurting you
Or someone breaking your already damaged heart
You want what you don’t have
What you think you can’t have
All you want is just for everything to stop
For you to stop thinking about yesterday
And every mistake you’ve made in the past
Someday
Believe me
One day
You won’t feel like you’re too much
Or too little
One day you won’t battle your own mind into waking up in the morning
Someday
Soon
Everything will be okay
There’s is good in the world
There’s good here
Trust me

He punched me last week
And told me that he was joking and that's between me and him
My friends saw and helped me break it off yesterday
Today is my eighteenth birthday
And I am nothing like my mother

Fix yourself
Before something worse happens
Then it’ll be harder
To dig  yourself out of this hole
You’re not as bad as you think you are
You’ve made many mistakes
You’ve become toxic
But you can still be the nice girl that you used to be
That you want to be
It’s okay
You’ll be okay
It’s time to start taking care of yourself
Standing up for yourself
Loving yourself
Because you can’t help anyone
If you can’t help yourself
It’s okay
Fight harder
Be nice
Stand up for yourself
You’ll be fine
Focus on
You