I was bad
I didn’t listen
He was evil
I didn’t speak up
I stood there
For what seemed like hours
For hours
I waited
Outside of my body
Not the same person was left there
A girl trying her hardest not to cry
A girl fake smiling to get him to leave
A girl trying her best to survive
I can still see that girl in my mind
I pray for that girl
I did all the wrong things
I got caught
I got in trouble
I had to pay the consequences
Even though what I did wasn’t his business
Even though it really wasn’t that bad
But he said it was
He said this was the punishment to my crime
Fixing the fences
And because I was so good and didn’t talk back
He’ll let me inside his house
For a glass of water
Then shower and change my clothes
To give him a back rub
To try on his daughter's clothes in front of him to take home
Did I do wrong?
When all I did was stand there?
When I said “it’s okay” when he said “sorry”
Is it my fault that I didn’t say no?
I was stuck there
I felt like I couldn’t move
All I had to do for focus on surviving this moment
He told me I was lying
When I wasn’t
All of this happened
And I can see it in my mind so clearly
I can see everything
I relive it every night
I see it during the day
When I space off
I can see his face in the distance
I can see him behind closed eyes
I’m scared in public places
I’m scared everywhere
Because of what I’ve been through

I wish you the best
Even though you didn’t wish me the same
Even though you stole my heart and cracked it in pieces
I don’t think of you
Okay I still think of you
But lately it’s only been with bitterness
So I’ll say this once to you
I wish you the best
The very best
Even though I was doing my best
To be with you
To feel something for you
This is me getting my anger out
I don’t really care about you
But when I feel sad
I need to place my anger, sadness on something
But I wish you the best
I genuinely hope you’re doing better
But I don’t care to check up

I could write a song about all the syrupy soft words that poured down each boy’s chin
I could write a novel about every time I believed them and wanted them
Daydreamed about what it’d be like, me and him
Cried about how no one ever wants me
When they take back the affection I so desperately craved
It’s okay I guess I’m just crazy
Overzealous, jealous
Wanting things I’ll never have
When the first man who ever left me
Was my daddy
But that doesn’t matter
Hasn't bothered me
Anymore...
I’m just too much I guess
For everybody

Just because you're lonely
Don't let people use you

Just because I still look at you
Does not mean I want you
Okay, I'm lying
I'll stop

My mother's second husband gave her a fern plant when they got married
It was a symbolism of their love, my mother killed it in a couple of days
Because she didn’t want to put in the work of watering it
Or maybe she tried too hard and smothered it with affection
I can’t remember which because I was young
That fern heard many arguments while it laid wilting, forgotten
It heard the screaming, the mockery
The crying, “please don’t leave me”
It heard her using her children as shields against her angry husband
To protect herself from the screaming agony
Pitting red balled fists against the whimpering adolescence
While my mother huddled in a corner out of her body
The fern rotted for weeks on our front porch
No one to check on it, to see if it was still breathing
To make sure that everything was okay
It wasn’t, the love fern was dead
Maybe it could’ve been happy if it went to a different family

It’s hard to love someone so dangerous
It’s hard to remember all the things she has done to you
And still, have to be able to forgive her
To not love her but not hate her either
But you do both
You don’t mean to
You can’t forget the bad things
But there were also so many good things
Like morning talks when she got home from work
Like holding her small frame at night when I had nightmares
Of her kissing me on the cheek
Of giving me bad advice
I used to think she was so weak and helpless
That I had to protect her because she couldn’t protect herself
But when I did and I got screamed at and manipulated and verbally abused
I didn’t get a thank you
I didn’t get a favor back
Next time when it was me, I had no one
She was the mother
She should have been protecting me
She should have loved me so much that her instincts would take over
And she wouldn’t be as scared anymore
She’d do something
Stand up for me at least once
Tell someone what was going on
But she didn’t
She loved him more
Because she couldn’t be alone
She was so weak that she couldn’t stand
Unless she leaned on someone tall
Even though she had two support beams struggling to keep her upright
She still needed him
She still needed any man who made her feel less than she should
She loved any man who hated the ones who loved her most
She chose him
She believes him
She loves him
Stop loving her
Stop hating her
Stop thinking about her

Where are you?
You were in my dreams last night
But I can’t see your face
Feelings I can’t explain
When my heart jumps
My face gets hot
My brain screams
“Let go”
Falling
Falling
Until I land
In your arms

You tricked me
I’m not blaming you
It’s me
Who fell for you
And let you
Smash my heart
Into pieces
All of this
Was for nothing
I’ll focus on me from now on
Only me
Forever
Me, myself and I
Together forever
By ourselves

Conflict in the weight
Conflight in the girl
Who just ate chicken
Too much chicken on an empty stomach
She gained two pounds
On a scale made for just right
No mistakes

The lone mockingbird traveled the earth in one night
Crisp, cold winter air rippled through her grey feathers
She wondered how anyone could look so lifeless and feel so cold
She flew past the pig farm, past the morgue
Past the stench, the open-concept
She dreamt of a world unkept
Peace, where wilderness grew
No money spent
The greed of people intercept
When sweet mockingbird flew across the ocean
She peered into the water to see her own reflection
But could only see garbage and one man's treasures strewn across the murky, once blue waters
She wonders if she could cry enough, maybe she could refill them
Clean the seas, the deep rich earth
The wind and breeze
This is what the mocking bird sees
Please, keep her safe

When I’m sad all I think about is you
Sometimes I wish you were dead or I just wasn’t born to you
Because you told me you loved me so many times
And it wasn’t true
I trusted you to help me, I needed you to save me more than anyone in the world
But you abandoned me for him
You choose him over me
And that **** still messes with me
I can’t stop thinking about him touching me
And how even when you heard my story
You still wanted to be with him
It didn’t even phase you
When I was a cutter
And I begged you day and night to make me a doctors appointment
But you were too embarrassed to say anything
I screamed at you saying I’d end up killing myself if you didn’t do anything
Until I decided to overdose and you called your husband first to tell him I did this all because of a boy
A boy? You honestly thought I’d **** myself over a ******* boy? I tried to **** myself because your husband who knew me since I was seven, who was supposed to protect me
Was always touching my ***** and asking me to undress in front of him
And many more things you know happened but refused to admit
You knew before I told you but you didn’t care
And you stuck me in a psych ward for 9 days and didn’t even visit me once
You let your husband who molested me since I was 10 tell me that there’d be people who would try to cut me and hurt me
How it’d be the worst day of my life like I wasn’t scared enough
You didn’t let me talk to the one person who understood me because you were insecure that I loved her more than you
You were right I’ve always loved her more than you
Always
I don’t care that you don’t love me
Sure it’d be nice but I have enough
Even though that when I’m not on my meds or I’m sad I think of you
I don’t love you
I don’t want you
I shouldn’t want anything to do with you
I want a mom
I want my biological mom
But not you
The person you were supposed to be
The one who loved me
Not the one who lied to me
Not the one who didn’t believe me
The one I could laugh with
The one who said she’d do anything to protect me
But I guess those were all lies too, huh?

People say your first love is your mother
Swaying in the arms of a person who will always care
Always be there
What happens when neither of your parents wants you?
Does that mean that no one will?
You’ll be alone forever
Unlovable
Untouchable
Without your mother’s warm embrace
What will keep your heart cozy in the winter
With fuzzy pink socks and laughter
Looking into the window of a family better than yours
Shivering from the cold
Barefoot, scared. ribs
Momma, please love me again like you did when I was a baby
Before I could disappoint you

I hope to God that she was doing her best
But her best just wasn’t good enough
It’s sad to say, but deep in my heart I want to say she tried
When she tucked us into bed and made dinner even when she was tired
I want to know that she loved me even on the darkest of days in her own way
Even though she chose him over me

Get angry
Do something
React
Move
Nod your head
Look at me
Do anything!

She only listens to Nirvana and The smiths
Drinks black coffee and replaces every meal with a nicotine puff stick
Manic pixie dream *****
Changes your dull life and gives you that eccentric fix
Her dyed hot pink hair and split ends show she’s mentally unattached
Dependency on the broken, beautiful things living in conservative ghost towns
Rich, white, handsome, boring catch
She’ll always leave because, in the end, you are not what she needs
And you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting the words you so freely spouted
Remembering the lessons she left you when she disappeared

This is the story of
A little girl
Who didn’t want to be a big sister
But the moment she saw my face
She knew she had to protect me
And for that I’ll always be grateful
I’ll always wish I was able to save you when you needed me
But often times when I tried I failed
Because I was too small and I wasn’t strong enough or my voice wasn’t loud enough
From the moment I saw my big sister
I knew she would be my best friend
The one I’d laugh with
The one I’d cry with
The one I would defend
Against anyone
The one who’d pick me up
When I’m down
The one who’d tell me I’m beautiful
Even when I look like a clown
The one I would make inside jokes with
The one who’d protect me
Stand up for me
The one who’d never let me go through anything alone
The sister that asked christmas morning if
I could go to the bathroom before we were locked in
The one who gave me her sandwich when we didn’t have
Any money to buy food and there were only 2 and mom had ate hers already
The only one who believed in me when no one would and actually helped me
The one who tucked me in at night
The one who made me broccoli cheese soup
The one who made me try new things
The one who took my spankings for me even though the belt would draw blood
The sister who was more of a mother to me
Then our own mother
Thank you
For being here
For being
My sister

Where did you go?
sleepless night my mind where you are
Fluorescent street lights flicker while my eyes won’t stay shut
Soft grass beneath my feet
I’ll fly into your arms
My heart is aching
I don’t know how to make it stop
Everything you do is so magical
Concrete, scrapped knees
I’d feel better if I knew you believe

My mother smells like vanilla
Every time I pass her through the house I catch a whiff
My Mother’s perfume used to be a comforting smell
It would always remind me of ice cream and swaddled new born babies
My mother is a nurse, so she knows how to take care of people
But not how to protect people
Or believe
Imagine
My mother used to be an artist
Aged canvass
The smell of paint in the air
The third generation of women
On her mothers side
She used to have fun
She used to love me
And care if I was sick
If someone had hurt me
When my father died
She told me she was now my mother and my father
But she was never around
My mother said she had a dream
That my sister and I were babies again
And she had one of us on each arm
At least I know she still thinks of us
Even if it’s to only wish we were still dependent on her
She didn’t protect me
She didn’t believe me
Sometimes I think she doesn’t even love me

My mother was quiet
My father was loud
His words
His hands
The sound of the belt crackling in his palms
Though through all this my mother was silent
My mother moved through the house like wind
Silence crashing into the quiet, small spaces between
My father stomped, pounded his way like thunder
Never breaking through the ever-growing tension he built brick by brick
My mother knew more than she would tell
Her silence melted into our very beings
Shutting us out from any reality
Shutting us out from any chance that we could be happy
My father never broke, bent, snap
Stern, overbearing
My mother was quiet

I felt bad for my poor momma
I felt so bad
But I realized that if I only worried about her
Who would worry about me

She believed
When no one else would
She cared
When I didn’t even care
I remember that girl
Who was scared
But brave at the same time
Who got pushed back
But took two steps forward
A girl
Who tried to be her best
Nicest to all
Even when her life was falling apart
Even when someone wronged her
She loved like no one could imagine
Forgiving those who hurt her
Wronged her
She is the sweet
Girl who took care of everyone
I’m proud of her
She’s come so far
In the 23 years
She’s come to find
Peace in herself
In her body
In her life

Bible thumping
Whipping black leather belts across tender, young skin
Snakebite flesh
One-touch you can’t forget
That’s gentle
Almost cautious
Testing your limits
How long you can go without flinching
Two men, two hells
Trust yourself enough to scream
Fall back and notice that everyone was watching
That you weren't stuck in an unchanging time capsule of pain
Where minutes seemed to last hours
Your hands and legs shook from fright
Shocked, blasted into an everlasting hell
Scream
Louder than him
Run, faster than the truck he uses to take you away
Because you are more worthy than every second he kept you from being happy

Animal
On the ground
Snarling
Breaking barriers
Out of skin
Transform
You are strong
But not as strong as him
Were you?
He’s weak
Wounded
On the ground
You fight
Snap of bones
Jawbone broke
You won
But did you?
Yes, you did
But was it worth it?

I hope you feel bad when you go to sleep
I hope you think of me
Of what I can do
Of what I achieved without you
That I don’t need you
But you need me
When you didn’t want me
Didn’t care enough
Nothing I ever did was good enough
For you
To be a good parent
To check up on me
At the very least
Now I’m more grown-up than I’ve ever been
I had to be strong even though I didn’t want to
Even though I was scared too
He was evil and I thought you were his victim
I thought you needed me to be strong and save you
Like I always had to do before
no
You had your chance and you ruined it
You chose him over me
I don’t think of you
I don’t love you
I don’t love you
I don’t love you
Even though I do
I don’t want to
I hate you
And everything you’ve done to me
All the bad things outweigh the good
Nothing will ever be the same as you
We’ll never have sleepovers in your room
We’ll never have another tortilla fight
We’ll never bond over the cuteness of kitty’s little trot and bushy twitching tail
We’ll never get to sit in the early morning talking about work on the weekends
I’ll never run outside to your car to greet you in the morning
I’ll never see you again
I’ll never see you the same

No
I was scared
She doesn’t get the right to say that when all she didn’t do anything
Scared, She didn’t know what our fear was like
Growing up in silence
Evergreen hiding the worlds view from what was really going on
Sunk back in her lawn chair while we got beat
Silence was our worst enemy
The worst memory of her
No one would have heard us anyway
Trapped deep in a wildwood of tears and heartache
But you, Momma you could never see
Never hear our screams
You never heard me crying on the bathroom floor the day I attempted suicide
Fifteen years old
What were doing when you were my age, Momma?
Were you going to the mall, and driving around with your friends?
I bet you weren't being molested by your mother’s husband, were you?
You have no idea how scared, my sister and I were
Because the bottom line is, we got it worse than you did
And you never tried to help
Even though we were children
Your children
You heard our screams and ignored us
So you can throw as many pity parties as you want Momma
No one will hear you
Now that you’re alone

Mommy, nothing about the way you raised me was normal
It hurts me to think out of everyone you may have hurt me the worst
Because you allowed me to think it was normal
You put me in ****** situations at an extremely young age
Momma, I was four
This was before Dad died
He was on top of you and I was on top of him
If it didn’t happen then why do I remember the PJs i was wearing?
Why do I remember how sweaty he was and how the tv was going?
I remember it was late and my sister was sleeping in her room
Why should I have to explain this to you?
I know you remember
I always thought it was normal how you let me look and touch your body
I was six or seven, I was curious about what I was always exposed to
It made me uncomfortable that you would always talk about how you loved my *******
I told you this
I will most likely never tell
Because I am scared of the men you exposed me to
But I am more scared of you
I thought that you’d never hurt me
But nothing about the way I was raised was normal

I lied for you
I lied for you
I lied for you

I did nothing but protect you; When you were younger but much more dumb
If that’s possible to be more guliable and easily pesauded, did you forget about the men I protected you from?
But you couldn’t do the same for me, you ate up every word they spoke; ignored my cries about the monster you had become
It is a terrifying thing when you can toss your motherly instincts away, forget your children and be numb

I act like the only bad thing that’s happened to me
Is not having anybody
To date
What’s wrong with me
Seriously

You are perfect!
He tells me over the screen
Hiding my double chin
The rolls underneath my sweatshirt shaking until he finds out the truth
“Your lips are so ****”
He says they’re the first thing he noticed when he saw me
That I am perfect
Fantastic
I look like fun
That he could wrap  himself around me
And get lost for days
In the  bliss
Of not knowing who I am
In everything he sees
Which isn’t much
When I am a lot
He sees what I want him to see
My **** lips
My fantastic face
My “perfect” body

Certainty  fuels the masses, the hordes of love-sick girls trapped in the misery of longing
I’m not certain of anything in this life, what of myself with my long dreadfully tangled hair and dull sinking eyes
The only clarity I have at this moment is the certainty that I feel for you
Happy is nothing more than accelerated heartbeats, strained under the weight of your own decaying body
Breathing heavily, in hushed whispers. Sweet nothings, then silence
What will happen when I finally break? will the feeling still be there?
The intensity of two humans at the brink of unconsciousness, only a zombie-like state can be of explanation
Maybe I am just a romantic of foolish proportion
Say stop and I’ll catch myself slipping into a cocoon of my own blanketed warmth, undercover, under investigation
There is nowhere to hide when you are stripped bare
When I am ready to plummet, I  will
I won’t say anything, because at that moment nothing will be needed
Right now, I’m not sure if I’ll wake

I need to stop throwing myself pity parties
Just be happy for christ sake
Just feel something
Except of nothing
But more than that emotional
I’m so done with feeling like a ******* all the time
I don’t want to be easily upset
I don’t want to be sad all the time
But I don’t know how to stop
I want to stop
But how?

Plastic tears
Manufactured mother, never the perfect trophy wife
Sometimes I could almost feel your pain
His rough voice creates echos into our empty home
Shock waves through your fragile heart
I wonder why you stay
Nothing was ever good enough unless it was him
Maybe it’s my fault for not pulling you to the surface sooner
Drowning in your own pool of self regret and heartache
You lie like no one is watching
Mother, I’m sorry to tell you but everyone is watching you now
Silicone, plastic wrap heart
You only unravel to show him
I still have dreams about you
But I don’t know if you’re capable of loving me back

My mother always envisioned me as the cheerleader
The pretty pink skirts and teased hair with a bow
She made me do little husky cheer every year until fourth grade
When I finally told her I couldn’t stand it
Instead, I grew into a poet
Writing about her but putting it in a way she wouldn’t know it
I wonder if she is mad at me for not exceeding her expectations
I wonder if she is mad at me for telling my story

The first time hit me like a fast-moving pickup truck
Speeding down the highway
I was always an obedient girl, I listened when I was told no
So why couldn’t he?
Pictures would show, adolescent depression
Fragile youth shadowed by absent lies
As my world caved through I believed in myself enough to write
I could never write in a diary or make things seem like they were about me
Him, me or him
Poetry saved me
I’ve never been able to write an autobiography
This may be as close as I’ll ever far
This is me
This is my story

Poets profit from pain
What I mean by that
Is we can take any situation
Any horrible thing that has happened to us
And make something beautiful
Make something that has meaning to the world
That is truly incredible

Velvet lip palette
She paints her lips
We all know what goes on inside
That pretty little mind
She slits her wrists with the same hand she wings her eyeliner with

I am a girl with a lot of problems
His attorney tells the court
I am a whirlwind of poor coping skills
Used to deal with the trauma he may or may not have caused
I know I’m immature
I can’t help it, I’ve never thought any other way
I don’t know-how
To be different than I am now
I leave bruises on my own arms from biting myself when I’m angry
I know it’s not a good way to calm myself
But it’s the only thing I’ve come to find that helps
You know I may or may not be everything or nothing that has been said in that courtroom
That heaven smiled upon me when they chose to lock him away
My truth stood ground
But my world shattered
Every year I grow dumber
My mental health never inclines
And now I’m wondering if that is all his fault
Or is it mine?

The best way to get over something is to push through
To cope, to know your problem and deal with it
There is no way to “fix a problem” there's no way to bring things the way it used to be
The best thing you can do is push through
It’s not the only way but it’s the best way
It is the only way that you’re going to see yourself in a better way
It’s the only way that people are going to see you on better days
Push through it’s the only thing to do

Hold on
I’m not ready yet
To fall
To fly
I’m not ready to die
Maybe somedays I am
But right now
I’m stuck in the here and now
Not ready to hear how
I’m stuck here

He moves in the same way a cat does on a dark night
Stealthily
Quiet strides match my quicken heartbeats
The nick of his *******
Curled around soft skin
Nothing ever feels the same after the moment is done
And you’ve gone home
Your girls tell you he will regret every moment he spent without you
Terrified that your love has a warranty
Standards shot straight to the moon
Because that’s what scares him in the night
Not the fact that you will leave
But that you can be happy without him
If he cannot keep you wound tightly about his fingers
Counting every time he looks back at you
To make sure you still notice what he is doing
What kind of woman does that make you if you never look?
What kind of a man does that make him if he always has to show you?
Maybe, in the end, it doesn’t have to be a hot and heavy relationship
Googly eyed, puppy dog love
But maybe if this is normal
What we're doing right now
Then we can both turn our backs and leave

Sometimes I wonder what I did
If I had never stood up for myself would I still have her?
I can’t think like that
No one deserves to live like that

Daylight frees the quiet soul from slumber of forgotten memories
Dreams of pink, sweet lilac streams
Of calm water
Cherry wine
Summertime
Back home in the Forrest that kept you for so long
Rock banks, soft breathing
Relaxed for a while
Happy for some time
You grew out of girlhood here
Woman not yet
Learning, yes
Remembering, maybe

I don’t need others to like me
As long as I like myself
That’s all
Right?

Cry me a river
until windswept tears pour down your reddened cheeks
This is to the girls who feel everything
The girls who know how it feels to have your heart abandoned and left for dead
Who takes each step with a shattering breath, moving backward instead of towards her goal

And again, it feels like my entire world is crashing down
But deep down, I know it will get better
Hurting myself will make it worse
I'll steadily go back up

My great grandmother was a great beauty
So was my grandmother
And my mother
And my sister
Always the firstborn in the family
Talented women they are
Painters skilled artistry
That I would never be able to fathom
Am I jealous that I am not part of the four generations
Of grace and beauty
Of course
But I guess I’ll just have to deal

I’d rather starve than eat something without knowing the calories
Count them
One hundred, two, three
Miraculously you’ve found something healthy
Honey, nothing about this is healthy
Mini rice cakes aren’t a meal
You’ve gone so long without eating something real
Watered down excuses, bent over the toilet
Foggy eyes, clear skies but you stay inside
There’s nothing normal about this
No matter how many forums you find
You will always be nothing but the girl who doesn’t eat lunch
You’ll always be the fat girl trying to cut weight
You’ll always be thin fingers and 5 calorie gum
Dropped 20 pounds and still can’t fit into size 12 jeans
Struggling staying in the 160s
You are not a success story
You’re lazy, you’re not doing this the right way
Stop just stop
Because you’re not going anywhere
Stuck on the scale

He used to tell me that my mother didn’t love me
He used to tell me that no one would ever love me if I didn’t change who I was
The molestation was bad but that was not the worst
He terrorized me for years
I was told I didn’t deserve privacy
That my body was not my own and he had the right to look if he so chooses
He followed me and my mom to groceries stores screaming that we spent too much money
Or he would call her on the phone
We were terrified that he would follow us home
Scream at us, with pitted balled fists
Slamming on kitchen counters
Kicking the door frame until the door won’t shut anymore
Criticizing me until I couldn’t stand it anymore
Calling us stupid, worthless
I’ll never forget the day I ran away on my bike
I could see his truck passing by so I hid from him
Then when I was on my way back he got in my face
Like he was going to push me or hit me
His face was so red and his eyes slanted in fury
He lifted my bike over his head then threw it in the back of his truck
I hurried into the back so he wouldn’t have time to touch me
He screamed at me in the truck
Asking where I was
Demanding an answer
I lied and I hoped he wouldn’t notice
He did everything he could to scare me
Some nights I would hear a car driving past
I would be so scared that it was him
I would stay up the entire night just to make sure it wasn’t him
How do I prove that it was fear
How do I prove to a jury of my peers
That I was afraid he would **** us one day
How do I tell you how scared I was
Why doesn’t my mom believe me about the ****** abuse
She was there!
She knows how my legs would shake as I heard him approach the door
How does she not believe me?
She was scared of him too
She knew about certain things
Not the worst things
But that should have been enough
For her to leave him
How do I prove to my mother that it happened
How do show her how scared I was