My mother thinks my father killed himself
He was crushed to death
I don’t know how
I was never told
But I’ve come to understand that his death might not have been accidental
According to my mother
He had a few mere seconds of unbearable pain before he passed
At the funeral while my family mourned
I wondered how anyone could look so lifeless and feel so cold
I was four
He looked like he was in a soundless slumber
Having the most pleasant peaceful dream
After the funeral
A blonde haired women glared at me as I started to cry
I never knew her name
Years later I would only know my father by his old t-shirts my mother would wear to bed
As my mother spun out of control
I spun on the merry-go round wondering why life was so cold
As I spun, empty and motionless
Six year old me would see a father pushing his girls on the swing set
Only I would find that unbearable to see
A year later, when I am seven a new father comes along
He is nice, at first
three months later
He is your stepfather
The only one you could ever remember
The one you wish you could forget
Years later you’ll keep his secrets
And he’ll tell all yours
My mother thinks my father killed himself
Sometimes you’ll wish he didn’t