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No One Jan 2019
I can't do this I need some way to cope
So I slice my skin and hope, cope, hope
Parents walk in and witness my shame
66 on one leg under 5 minutes seems lame
Rush to the hospital I really need help
"Destructive behaviors will never help"
Clean bill of health they say I'm whole again
Release me to the wild to commit no more sins

I can't do this there is no hope
Better leave a note so my family can cope
Come up with a plan, imagine the scene
I hope my family won't think less of me
Crack under pressure, I cry and he knows
"BPD deals out extreme lows"
Try all the pills not a single one helps
Cut myself so deep I yelp
Rush to the hospital she really needs therapy
But in that room I feel all they do is stare at me

If I lose weight I'll be happy again
"Negative body image, a secret between friends"
Once again they say I'm good to go home
Not even my room feels as if its my own
Take lots of pills 2 times a day
I don't want to live like this day to day

Coping won't work I'm so very scared
If he never comes back again God I am scared
"BPD patients often experience extreme paranoia"
Depression is back but I expected it sorta
Panic attacks are the new daily thing
Often I feel crippling social anxiety
Keep to myself let life pass me by
But I know I'll regret it when its time to say bye
The panic can't stay I need it to stop
I begin to examine the drugs in the shop
"Maybe tomorrow but just not today"
Walk away feeling proud, I'm clean for the day
Another from when I was 16 and ****** at poetry lol. I'm still not great but *** old me you can't rhyme words with the same word.
No One Jan 2019
I am all alone
In a place full of fear
Hold me close I need you dear
I'm fading
I'm falling
Into an abyss
I'm dying
I'm crying all alone in darkness
Is my soul pure
Will I make it to paradise
Or will I feel nothing
Frozen as ice
I repent for my sins
Darling I'm scared
I don't want to take my last breath of air
Especially
When no one is there
For something written when I was 14, I don't hate it.
No One Jan 2019
Doth thou crimson turn to dust? Does death fulfill your hefty lust? Fallen angels bow to prey, raging demons come to play. Cry for help and sing your sorrow, darkness makes you very hollow. Feel the cold continue to linger, feel the touch of gentle fingers. Drown yourself in pools of tears, understand your deepest fears. Beautiful dreamer don't you cry, close your eyes and say goodbye.

           A sinful soul is laid to rest, a protective cross upon her breast. Brush the hair from her cheek, pray the lord her soul to keep. May her rest be peaceful smiles, may her spirit soar for miles.Travel to the fields and obtain her flowers, time ticks slowly between the hours. Go back to her for she is waiting, hold her close to keep from fading. Carry her down to the river, saying goodbye makes you shiver. Lay her down in the warm summer springs, let her go to see her kings. Beautiful dreamer don't you cry, close your eyes and say goodbye.
The first poem I ever wrote for fun. I was 12.  I may re-write something with a similar feel. I like where I was going with it, but it's a bit rough.
No One Jan 2019
My hands are stained the color of crimson as I hold you now
Your jagged breathing
Broken skull
As tears roll down your perfect cheek
I say a quick prayer
Brush back your hair
And finally kiss your cheek

You only cry harder
Blood trickles down your jaw
Teeth stained brick red
And finally you take your last choked breath
I have no idea what inspired me to write this but I liked it
No One Jan 2019
I start my day to the early Sun
Shining, smiling, warm-hearted sun
Then the anxiety crawls through my skin
Clawing, calling, peel off dead skin
Depression calls just like an old friend
Crying, sighing, where are my friends
Uncertainty for future begins to set in
Worrying, watching, where to begin
All I need is a singular cut
Slicing, scarring, ruin my streak for what
Clean for two years don't want it to end
Denying, no crying, it will not end
Addiction calls, I turned him away
Leave me, feed me, you will go away
The abuse of a child is still hurting me
10 years, 20 years, God let it cease
Fighting of parents, I fall to my knees
Implore, explore, I need help please
Finally self-doubt is killing me
Hurt yourself, **** yourself, the words haunt me
Impending divorce blame lays on me
Guilty, hurting, no one else blames me
I'm not good enough, I'm not smart in school
Fear, hear, failing in school
My mirror reflection, an ugly sight to see
Mocking, taunting, all genders appalled by me
A small set of words are used to describe me
Fat, ugly, daily vocabulary
So I crawl into bed to see another day
Breathing, sleeping, with morning comes a new say
Man I was depressed as a teenager
No One Jan 2019
Broken heart without a sound
Broken mind I can't rebound
Slithering, molten, smoking pain
In my chest and in my brain
My disease is killing me
Not literally of course
but it might as well be
Slide cold metal against warm skin
Vital essence bleeds in sin
Hide my sorrow, hide my pain
No one cares about what I'm saying
Bleed myself ragged and dry
Feeling weak as I start to cry
Stupid ****, that's what dad said
Had to drink before he went to bed
Mom is there but mom don't see
That life itself is killing me
Dad doesn't remember anything
So I am left with my knees shaking
Come up with a plan, throw it away
Lose my nerve, face another day
Tomorrow I feel exactly the same
Don't know how to numb the pain
No one loves me no one cares
No one will help me face my fears
I am destined to be alone
Punishment for all my wrongs
It's my fault that I got hit
I pushed dad too far in a fit
So push love away with a 10 yard stick
It's all my fault that he got sick
Every man deserves more than me
The rancid, useless junk I see
I'm so fat I'm so deranged
I don't even know what I'm saying
End it all just seems so easy
Ending the pain is easy peasy
Mental recovery takes decades
A quick bullet won't even take a day
A deep slice here and a noose hanged there
So many options to make it better
***** it all I say goodnight
Time for me to turn off the light
Wrote this during a very dark time when I was 17.
No One Jan 2019
I'm drowning in my sorrows
And I'm dying in my mind
I can't drown my demons
For they know how to hide
My raging emotions are not just a phase
Help me please
Take it all away

The sun doesn't shine
Doesn't exist in my mind
The rain pours down in the blackened sky
I used to fly
So very high
Now I die
Under angry skies

I'm bound by my emotions
Held back by my pain
I'm shackled by the insanity inside of my brain
I hurt inside
I need to release the pain
Help me please
Somebody
I'm going under
Written shortly after my Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD diagnosis while in the hospital. Definetly brings back some memories
No One Jan 2019
I sit in silence, enveloped in darkness.
Why my sorrow beacons thee to bother me,
Why thy can not comprehend my lonesome is welcomed,
Why thy inhabit my domain,
Is quite beyond me indeed.
Please oh please explain to me,
Why you cant just let me be,
Is beyond me, quite beyond me indeed.
Don't you see?
I do not welcome thy company.
Please oh please just leave me be,
Why thy bother me is quite beyond me.
Bruh why was I trying to be Shakespeare when I was 13 ****. I think I wrote this during math class. I know I was at school. Gave me a good chuckle so I thought I'd share lol
No One Jan 2019
Listen to the music that flows through my fingers
The reed vibrating leaves emotion that lingers
My vocal chords serenade sweet sounds to your ears
Brings tears to the eyes of the few that hear
I strike the string with a hardened pick
From my favorite song, I play a sweet lick
The rich sounds of clarinet flow through the air
Sheet music makes a book who's story I share
Spread my hands over piano keys
Classical, current, tapping tempo out with my knees
Rhythm was was the hardest, or most difficult if you please
With the help of my director I can read it with ease
Thank you to my teachers
Music is love to me
*** i was bad lol. I was 15 when I wrote this. I still like the feel but the language could definitely be improved on
No One Jan 2019
My family surrounds me, fake smile and false dreams
Yet I'm still alone, no one really is around me.
This not a home, but a raging war
I am all alone, never okay anymore.
I hate the holidays
No One Jan 2019
The tears drip down my face like a water color paint
Leaving trails of blue down my ivory skin
My freckle are splattered on by tree bark paint
My irises are covered in azure sky paint
The art of my world
Created by god
Causes me to smile
In the yellow painted sun
Written after I tried to do a self portrait with acrylics... It didn't work out very well lol
No One Jan 2019
A mark on my skin just like any other
I fell off my bike, I talked back to my father
But some are precise, like surgical scars
Remind me of the ride in the hospital car
Ones on my wrist are faded and gone
Ones on my thighs stand bold and strong
Years have gone by and here they remain
A constant reminder of temporary pain
Occasionally when things are rough
I pick up my knife again in a rush
Cold steel burning against warm hands
Salty tears return me to forgotten lands
Cry out in pain, beat my own head
Put down the blade,say this friend is dead
I've been clean all these years
I'll handle this anger with tears
Hate myself, spit at the mirror in scorn
No more scars for my skin to adorn
Another written during a hard time. It's kinda sad that this still pertains 3 years later.
No One Jan 2019
Sometimes silence is much louder than words
Silence is staring into your soul
Pointing out every flaw
Every insecurity
The silence takes a toll
It tests you
How much can you take
Because sometimes
Silence can be much louder than words
No One Jan 2019
"Come on Rosie let's go to town." Rosie smiled instead of a frown. Finally she can leave that giant white house, she's tried of being an indoor mouse. The nanny smiles and gives her a kiss, lets her know that she will be missed. Mama gently grabs her hand, Rosie wants to explore that outside land. Watching through windows as life rolls on, too young to be someone until life rolls on.
  The summer air hits her face, the cool breeze makes the trees wave. Summer flowers are strong and in bloom, she wants to go to the park soon. "Mama mama can we go?" Anything for her angel she shows. Skip down the sidewalk not a worry in mind, life is beautiful Rosie will find.
   Into the park mama lets her play. If she could she would stay all day. Climb the tree and play in the dirt. Not much to do but she makes it work. A wall of trees hold her back,  just like the rules, she silently laughs. Look back to see mama's not watching, sneak into the woods at the rivers crossing.
  The feeling of excitement rushed through her body, time to explore, time to be naughty. She sees pretty birds and little creatures, the fascination excites her. New emotions fire up like a lighter. Then she feels something touch her head, stops in her tracks with feet like lead.
   Look up to see a man hanging there. Feet dangling in the air. Catches her breath, she can't scream, look into his eyes and see the pain. A fresh noose around his neck, body torn, body limp. Rosie screams with her held air, she doesn't understand why, she knows that shes scared.
   Mama covers her eyes, mama grabs her away. Rosie hears of a lynching that day. What does it mean, she doesn't know. Years go by before she knows. It's not fair what they did to him, her family doesn't care that there are more like him. Rosalie cries for the lost man.
And this is where summer ends
My social rights project I did junior year. I think I got a good grade on it.
No One Jan 2019
The dawn of midnight beckons me into it's frozen grasp.
The tears won't stop rolling down my face so I put on a mask.  
No moon tonight to light my way into the morning's sun.
No stars to tell me where to go when I just need to run.
So I look into the black night,  one last faithful time, and knock away the wooden chair to make my life not mine.
yeahhhhh This one is dark.  Suicide isn't the answer guys.
No One Jan 2019
How many days until winter goes by
When the sun once again warms the skies
As much as I love my fuzzy socks
I yearn for when bathing suits fill the stocks
The frozen air whips my little nose red
Attempts to wake up are thwarted by my bed
Though the snow is visually pleasing
I wonder when Mr. Jack Frost is leaving
As much as I hate the intense heat
These winter cold flurries have me beat
The fruits of being extremely bored at work during January. Also I haven't written poetry in 3 or 4 years so I'm sorry with how terrible this is.

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