I saw her first across the bowling alley,
Laughing at her own gutter ball.
She flipped her long black hair
Over her shoulder;
She wore a golden cross necklace
That bounced lazily against her
Beautiful olive colored skin.
Lady Gaga blaring from the speakers
Prompted her to dance back to her friends,
Who smile at her antics.
All of a sudden, she looks over at me, and
I try to pretend I wasn’t staring,
But it’s too late.
She smiles shyly, without her teeth,
Just a slight turn of her pink lips,
And her cheeks redden slightly.
Whatever manliness I still had in me
Melted when I saw her smile.
I smile back in what I think is a cute way.
My friends cries break thought my thoughts,
“It’s your turn!”  “Go already!”
Yet I can’t break my eyes off of her.
She goes to her friends and sits down,
Sips her Coke quietly.
“Go!”
I look at the clock.
I’ve wasted five minutes of the game.
I blame the girl in Lane 7.

Letter to the devil, and the pains of this world.

Dear devil,

How you doin with the fact you have already lost?
How you doin with the urgency of Jesus' second coming soon?

Just to remind you, you already lost, and, do I have to remind your suffering in the fiery lake of fire and sulphur...forever? Ye...I don't think so.

Depression, stop hanging on to them, stop hanging on to me! Stop pestering the children of God, and just stop blinding them of the light of the Joy of Christ. Stop it! You somewhat comforting and soothing feeling, yet is the sharp sword that really kills...

Anxiety, stop making me stop in my tracks and feel like a failure, stop making me stop in my tracks on doing God's will and plan for my life. Stop dragging me down.

For the pains and diseases in the world, you would never stop them from being loved by God. Never ever.

Final note: God rules, God wins, God is in control, God is the Most high, Most pwerful, All mighty, Holy Holy Holy, the Holy one, worthy of all praise and glory and whole-hearted sincere love and trust and obedience. You are not, devil.

Sincerely and truthfully,
The one you tried to hurt and pull down.

I stand in awe.
In awestruck-awe.
I see no flaws.
Even with my faith I see no flaws.
overwhelmed.
Crazy, mad, impossible, some would have said if they knew just a bite-size of your grace oh God.
How I stand in the middle of your radar.
As the waves and frequencies of your grace surrounds me.
The only fear I would have is that it would be too overwhelming for me to take in.
When the devil says you don't love me.
Remind me to see the horizon.
An endless, endless, endless, stretch of grace.
As my sin increased, your grace increased...all the more.
Because it's endless I would not be able to wrap my head around it and make sense of it.
Only to make sense, something that is so profound, and absolutely indescribable. Even the word 'indescribable' alone won't fit it.
Let alone your grace, how about your love. Your mercy. Your power. Your majesty.
Endless.
Endless catalogs and memoirs of what you have done for me.
Never a remembrance because they aren't dead. No.
When anxiety comes, God, remind me of your word. Your promises.

Ocean of grace.
Not yet, have I seen your face.
I wait till that day, just push me at your own pace, and carry me closer and closer to your face, as I slowly fade....
away.

"Who are you?"
"Well, I am Joshua."

That's how I would have always said in the shock that someone, SOMEONE, talked to me.

No, I didn't know myself.
Locked in a chamber of anxiety and wanting to be among THEM on their shelf.
To be labeled as cool.
To not be like a fool.
Someone to be laughed at.
Mocked and torn I don't wanna be that.

Already torn I replace them with fake zest and excitement.
"Finally, I am welcomed."
When I left primary school, that place of...pretense and regrets, I stood there in the new school.

"Who are you?'
"I....don't know..."
"I mean...I play sports...I played catching with the cool kids..."
"Urm....well, I don't like cartoons..they aren't cool..."
"I am...."

"Who are you?"
No respond.
I feel like such a lost con.
Those aren't me.
Those answers aren't me.
"Please accept me..."

"Who are you?"

Under your loving hands, like an infant, I rest, protected in hand.
Under the vast emptiness and dullness of the galaxy, your light shines, your robe, O so white!
SO glorious your face, your presence!

Your presence, it caresses me, with just a little bit more, I would have been crushed and would have been drowned under my own tears and would have dented the marble floor with certain and whole-hearted knees.

How marvelous is that cross...a word won't fit it.
That cross...if only words, dots, dashes, and punctuation can have more to offer. An endless murky drowning sea of words of different fonts and sizes won't quite make the mark.

You made my mouth like a sharpened sword. Ready to fight for your name, ready to stand my ground, ready to make the darkness fear and make fallen angels regret their mistakes. They already are.
ready to open hearts and minds, as you call many to you.

You make me like a polished arrow. Ready to go wherever you shoot me, ready to tear down what the devil has built. Ready to have your word, the gospel tied to me, as I fly through the spiritual realm and spread your word, the gospel. Simply the gospel. NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS.

You hid me in the shadow of your hand. You cover me. You protect me. You hide me even if it seemed like all eyes were on me. Maybe they are on you. I want to be more like you in image O LORD.  

You concealed me in your quiver, God USE me!!! IF only words quite make sounds of hunger and thirst and the cries of my spirit and my new heart to you! You polished me and I am ready.
Ready whenever you say its time to go, or then I have to stand strong. Ready whenever, wherever, however you call me.

You polished me.
I am sharpened.
I am a polished arrow and have a sharpened mouth.
"Okay LORD GOD, I am ready."

There is this man
Beautiful
Insightful
Full of soul.
After all this time
I’m still in awe and
I’m still not sure what it is
But every breath slowly inhaled
And every bit of air so gently exhaled shortly after
Seem to mesmerize me.
I am lost in his existence.
So entranced
I seem to forget
I must take a breath of my own
In order to remain present.

I fantasize about his touch
And long for his soft lips pressing on mine
At all times.
Go ahead,
Call me a fool.
I would have to agree
For I have fallen victim
Enslaved
To his consuming presence.

Now
Lying next to him
Anticipating these feelings will dwindle.
Everything I was longing for
His embrace
His warmth
I have it all in this moment.
Alas, I can feel content.

Proven wrong again
For this desire
Seems to transform.
I now wish to never let go
To remain in his arms forever
Become one.
Seems I am unable
To feel fully satisfied once more.

Still
I’m not sure what it is
But I shall continue
To crave his sunlight and
Admire his soul.

I must remind myself to inhale again.

Sometimes I turn around to see
everything I have left behind me
It’s weird to think of who I was
compared now to who I am
I never knew it would be this way
But still, I’m content

It’s just really different you see
Becoming the person
I never knew I could be
So many things on the inside are changing in me
And that’s okay,
I’m happy

I don’t know what the future holds,
I can’t know the indiscernible
I’ll have to put my mind to rest
And open my heart to the unknown
But it always seems
That there is a deep wisdom in me
Only accessible past the mind,
In the silence of peace

As winter descends
I will guard this flame growing in my heart
I live in a cruel world full of endless distractions
But I will remain, standing firmly in love
Now is not the time to cower,
Now is the time to rise above.