blink
now you're 5 years old again
waiting for mommy to sing to you and tell you everything will be okay
after scraping your knee on the drive way while running around
until daddy comes home from wherever he is

blink
now you're 10
mommy's leaving for work and you're crying so hard
because you don't want her to leave
you're not used to being around just daddy
because he's never usually home
so you run down the stairs but the doors already closed
and her headlights are pulling out of the driveway
and down the road she goes

blink
now you're 13
mom and dad are fighting again
you close your eyes and scream into your pillow to muffle the noise
but even the whistle from the train down the road
or the whooshing in your ears that sound like waves
from not eating in three days
can't quite the fighting

blink
15
you're eyes are glazed and heavy
and the smoke pouring from your lips tastes funny but
the walls are spinning and though you never liked carnival rides
it feels like one now as you sit on an uneven stool
in your best friends garage
and inhale the burning substance that makes things funny and
helps you forget about the impending argument
that's happening at home

blink
18
white toilet bowls and shaky hands
quickly you flush down the granola you forced down
that morning
before rushing out of the door before
dads new girlfriend could say hi
walking down the hallway
of the old apartment building
the tiles start to move
and its like you smoked that strange plant again
but this time the corners of the hallway are getting dark
and it feels like you've been walking for
f o r e v e r
so you grab the wall next to you
as the floor rushes up and everything goes
*black

she was leaving
and got the gumption
to see me before she did
so we went to dinner
she sat, crumpled
at the edge of the booth
playing with her silverware
hands sweating
our knees barely touching
underneath the table
they shook like the day we met
they shook like floodgates
when the clouds get upset
her hair was drawn back
into an apology
and she didn't answer
when the waiter asked for drinks
she pans, tilts
looking for the restroom
but doesn't get up
covers her mouth
to hide her furled chin
i cut her a piece of bread
not sparingly
i didn't want to ruin the symbolism
of cutting a gangrenous thing
from ones self
she half wept out "tell me a joke"
i thought to say "look at us."
that's it. that's the joke.
the premise & the punch line
sharing some silence
here in this ominous moment
so thick with goodbye
you could touch it
i said "when they asked what the name was for the wait, i should've said "awkward, party of 2"
but that's not the joke
"knock knock"
she whispered "who's there?"
i sat for a moment and said
"so we've come full circle.. we're even in the same seats, from all those months ago"
her lips quivered
and she hid her mouth
"i just wanted to hear a joke"
she said
i came back with
*"if i fell for you in a quiet restaurant & no one was around to hear it, does the laughter of children i drempt we'd have make a sound?"

He talked of shedding
skin and roaming
constellations

the bones of the
Earth breaking
beneath us

the past blending
seemleslly jnto
the future

spinning time

and weaving
ourselves out of
the present

We were kids trapped in ultra suburbia
A dying town disguised by perfectly lined houses
Filled with children, fake smiles, and cancerous spouses
To escape it all we rode our bikes like a teenage armada

Not knowing where our wheels took us, they took us away
We found adventures in silly things like abandoned houses and railways
All of us held hands while we sat around the fire
Coughing out our hearts quietly so we didn't wake the earth

I remember the time my parents yelled at me
For being a little too girly
Or when her mother burned her with cigarettes
For doing something she'll never regret
But in all this pain we became better people
Let's not forget the times we got in trouble for being us

Dots and dots                                                             ­ "Is it okay if I ignore  
Line my vision                                                           ­    Your text? It's not
I'm hoping to find my spot                                             Personal."
In your musky bedroom

Do you get high off this feeling?                                 "Don't worry,
Does your body become sweaty                                     I still love you,
Eyes get heavy                                                            ­       It's okay."
When you are certain of my displeasure?

These are the things                                                       "Won't you be mine?
I beg to hear when you swing                                          Don't worry,
Your hips on top of mine                                                    We're alright,
Love me until the day I die                                                  I don't love you."
                                                        "Goodnight."

Mother, Father
I am six foot one and I can see over the trees
I can **** mountains and bury my bones in the soil
I am six foot one and I am just tall enough to see the truth
I can look over others but I can't look over myself
My shoulders bend like a bow, waiting to break
And I can feel it all. I can feel it all.

And to you,
May your temporary smile be a golden forever
And your heart existent with or without hope
Let your brain open doors your hands cannot touch
And your chest not collapse when the smoke is too much
To live and to love with you is the grandest adventure
And to cut myself on your edges, bleeds into itself
And to live in your heart, is the biggest place I've ever found
And to kiss you until my hands break and there is no sound

And to all of us,
We're a dark piece of trash
Ribs are a cage and holographic souls sing
Disenchanted by the human experience
We're pretentious and objectify everything

And to all of us,
We're all light, we're all eyes wondering wide
And we all shine bright, some of us cannot hide
May your hands slant, slowly slinging
towards the bells that are slowly ringing
and may you strike a chord in all of us.
May your existence be a temporary forever.

Out of body, out of touch
If I feel at all, then I feel too much
This poem is as shallow as my grave

But I'm still digging

If I want a God then I'll misbehave
If I want to be sad then I'll entertain
Just because I'm found
doesn't mean I'm around
Just because I'm growing up
Doesn't mean I can't be down

I'm sorry, mom and dad,
but if I want to be happy then I'll have to be sad
I'll write until my fingers bleed
Until my words are the blood that the readers need