you held my hand as we were intertwined
drunk of alcohol and each other
I smiled with your lips against mine
your heart was beating so fast under my palm
your hands explored places not even I knew were there....
it tickled the way you'd pull me close by the waist
I wanted to stay tucked between your arms for eternity
but the sun started to rise
I pried myself out of your arms kissed your lips and said goodbye....

**** me....
**** me now and watch me bleed
I want you to know that you were the death of me
**** me now before I have the chance to breathe
I don't want to feel the breeze just your hands choking me
**** me now and hurry please
there's nothing left in me....
**** me now like you killed me then just slightly more violently
stab me, shot me just make me bleed
you already took the best of me....
just **** me please.... and end this misery

I really don't know what to call this....
but you'd glance my way and this feeling would wash over me
like you had set a cage of butterflies free inside me
your eyes made me beyond nervous
they were so deep, intoxicating
I wanted to drown in them and run away all at the same time
this does not make sense because you are you and I am me
a boy and a dreamer
you are like the ground, steady, stable, always there
you sleep at night and work in the day.... nothing about your vision is blurry
sleep and myself are enemies, dreams consume my day and night
my heads spinning and nothing makes sense
you my love are perfect well I'm a paradox
hold me close.... for another second just incase my illusions come true....

the music stopped
but the moment before the last note ringed out
I remember thinking
I'll always remember us this way
the way before the sun goes down
and the moon comes out
I'll remember us in those quiet moments before dawn
when your smile was real
when I could tell you were happy.
I'll remember how you'd look at me with this fire
the way our hands couldn't stay off of each other
when your eyes said everything your lips couldn't
I'll remember everything....
I'll always remember us this way....

You ask why were not best friends....
when all you did today was comment on every mistake I made
Told me I had to fix my hair every time a strand got away
saying it wasn't good enough
In so many ways it meant I wasn't good enough
you asked why I hated you....
when I've never left loved by you
You told me I was being ridiculous
'after everything I've done for you' you started saying
I didn't hear what came after, the tears welling in my eyes and burn clogging my throat just a loud buzz in my ear drums
You told me I was in some sort of power house mood and couldn't be talked too....
but what if I've never been able to talk to you I just hid it better when I was younger?
Your always saying how the things I do aren't me....
wow, you must really not know me
the criticism is a lot weighting down on my shoulders but everything's fine I'll just roll my eyes
I sometimes wonder how you don't see me crying every night in my bed?
or if you know and just don't care?
You must notice how your words could cut through steel?
how every time you say something my eyes water?
I want to apologize but it's not my fault
everything hurts all the time
but how am I supposed to let go when I learned from a very young age that being judged by your mother is the worse pain of all....

does it hurt you that we don't talk anymore?
that I am now a passing stranger on the street?
it doesn't hurt me.... because you did that enough.
deep inside I know I will never love again
will never be able to give my heart away to another stranger
you were what was supposed to be the better part of me
and now I can't even imaging feeling another ones touch.
I really hoped I never had to know this feeling
you told me you loved me under the moon with the stars so bright not so long ago
and I believed you.
I thought the sun would shine again....
but I will never love again.

so you smiled when I talked and I didn't know what to do....
I knew I had fooled you.
I didn't mean to or want to but before I knew it all this power was in the palm of my hands.
and I was slipping under the pressure
you told me you loved me and all of a sudden I felt sick
I wanted to say it back as easily as you said it to me but I couldn't
the words were choking me as I tried to let them free.
love.
god, why was it so hard?
you were everything I needed and nothing I deserved
but you loved me wasn't that all that's supposed to matter?
wasn't that supposed to be enough?
you said it with such confidence....
and maybe I didn't say it back because I couldn't believe someone loved me when I hardly could.
but this wasn't about me this was about everything you would whisper in my ear late at night that made me sick to my stomach.
I begged myself to put on a mask and pretend everything was okay for your sake.
and it worked for a little while
but hiding became harder and harder....
you began to notice and every time you looked at me I could see it quietly breaking you
I really didn't want it to
for me to be the reason of that look
but I just didn't love you....