Healing alone through all the pain that my heart has been broken from is probably one of the most difficult things I have survived so far.

You and I made promises
We made the effort to talk to each other
We understood each other
Even if there were so many words unsaid between us
For example:
I was completely and utterly in love with you,
If i could i would have married you long time ago
I trusted you with all my demons and pain
You felt so much like home, so safe and warm.
But i'll never be able to tell you them now
Yet your still on my mind
And I'm still thinking about the time when I was yours.
But our conversations became shorter and shorter until nothing
And now I might never tell you all the words I kept unsaid

The shape of your name
Is the colour when the sky goes red.
The red thats mixed with purple
All vast and towering over all that I can see.

Your name feels like the rain after a drought
in the middle of the night.
The rain feel like cold freedom to my ears
As the atoms of blue pulse on my skin

Your name tastes a cold smoothie
Your sweet kiss meets my lips
As the taste pours down
Into the pit of my stomach
To be savoured piece by piece

You name follows me all around
Your name is the bird's favourite song
The crickets hum your name ecstatically
It’s my favourite sound all smooth and safe

Your name smells like green apples
And the smell of dust after rain
You follow me everywhere in my clothes
The smell of home that is unmistakable

I keep my love like a dog on a leash
Always at heel, no more than 6 inches away from me.
I don't know whether i keep it love close to me for protection
Or because i'm scared to be alone.

I'll admit i've broken a few mirrors
I've opened a couple of umbrellas indoors
I've walked under a few ladder
And i've never responded to a chain letter
The luck calculator of my life tells me i'm *******
I have all the bad luck a person could get
So how surprised i was when I fell for you
Your short hair and blue eyes hidden behind glasses
But then all my good luck ran out
And all was lost.
But i have one last question for lady luck:
Why does karma and girls love to bite me?

I take my prescribed pills with an energy drink
Monster energy if your wondering
And it's always the zero-sugar version
Because the sugar will rot my teeth.
I’m constantly on the verge of healing and destroying myself
Like a seesaw that's perfectly balanced
I am fed up with breaking my hand
And then bandaging it up myself.
I am my own executioner and doctor all in one body
The healing in the midst my own self destruction
I am the silence before an explosion
The calm before the storm.

I often imagine that the moon, the owls and the darkness of the night might be my closest friends, they are my trusted companions through the few highs and the many lows. They comfort me when it's 3am and the rest of the world seems like they are sleeping soundly.

They’ve been witness to my tears and plees for this to all stop and comforted me when the four walls of this bedroom felt like a cage. The moon seems so distant yet its warmth kisses my cheek. Someday I might be able to force my body to ignore the protection of the darkness and live in the light of the sun. But I am manufactured to die slowly to the darkness and this body is like an incomplete metaphor for the disease that lives in my head without paying rent eating up all the light.