They say we accept the love that we think we deserve,
Maybe that's why I don't let anyone in,
Too focused on my suffering,
I despise myself,
Deep down inside,
There's just so much hate,
I hate that my mind is so weak,
Too weak to go after the happiness I seek,
I know what I need to tweak,
So awfully self aware,
Yet I wouldn't dare,
Go against the grain,
And maybe act a little sane,
Even just for a minute,
I'm too deep in it,
My brain,
Forever wrapped up,
Ready to combust,
Only giving me the keys to darkness and lust,
No wonder I find it so hard to trust,
I'm a danger to myself,
I'm the one holding me back,
But even though I state these facts,
I still have a hard time making it past the first drafts,
You see,
I seek refuge in the darkest corners of my mind,
So frightened of what I may find,
On the other side,
What would happen if I tried,
Would I find they lied.
You can do anything if you put your mind to it,
That's what they say,
And I really wish I could think that way,
But my mind holds me captive,
As soon as I'm on the brink, I step back,
Scared that I might sink,
Making me ponder,
What if they made me stronger,
Held me a little longer,
Told me I could do anything,
Maybe I would have conquered.
These fears,
Maybe these pages wouldn't be drenched with tears,
Maybe I'd be successful,
Hanging out with the "we love life" team,
Maybe everything would be exactly how it seems,
But I guess for now, that's just a delusional dream.

Such a hard thing,
Coming to terms with who you are,
Staring in the face of your demons,
Building the strength to free them,
No longer able to fake happiness,
Though it worked for a while,
You always go back,
Reflection in the mirror,
Seeing that small child,
Helpless,
Hopeless,
The pain and the shame,
Hiding in an abyss of darkness,
Acting as if it's all a game,
But there's only so long one can play pretend,
The damage is done,
Aware I'm now the one holding the gun.
I will no longer let my past leak into my future,
Save yourself,
Forgive yourself,
Be everything you imagined and don't let your trauma define who you become,
Finally be worthy of the attention you demand.

Crazy,
I still can't say it,
Even though it's been so long,
And I know what you've become,
All the things you've done,
It's like I'm still processing,
Heart so numb,
Maybe I just don't want to admit it,
One of the most important people in my life has become an addict,
I remember when our memories were filled with laughter and light,
Now when the memories come I try to fight,
Knowing your future is no longer bright,
How did this happen?
When did this happen?
Why did this happen?
You used to inspire me,
Now you just fuel the fire in me,
Doing everything in my power to stay away from that same fate,
Praying I didn't inherit that same trait,
And still after all this time,
Thoughts of you forever corrupt my mind,
I wonder if I'll ever get over you,
See it from your point of view,
I could be looking at it all wrong,
In reality,
If you were not the way you are,
I wouldn't be me,
So focused on making something of myself,
Not wanting my life to head south,
Having to make this crucial vow,
Every single day,
So I don't end up the same way,
Maybe,
Just maybe one day,
I'll visit you,
Speak of my adventures,
Tell you I forgive you,
Tell you did your best,
Tell you theres no hard feelings.
Of course I'm still disappointed,
But I'm definitely not mad,
I just sometimes wish we could go back to the days where you were simply,
Dad.

What can I say,
Her name was Claire,
A character on the show,
But never really there,
Until one day,
She had a life changing role,
I remember it vividly,
Same old story,
Never gets old,
She had fell in love with a man,
A man with a beautiful soul,
Ever so painful,
Watching someone you love fight their demons,
Wishing you could free them,
I wish I could have warned Claire,
Although I don't even think I saw it coming,
Instead,
I stood in shock,
Catching her frightened stare,
As his fingers picked their spot,
Tightly clasping her hair,
Dragging her down a hallway,
Darkness and rage fuelling his power,
Beating his chest at the top of his tower,
Only to stop.
Realising,
His heart dropped,
Forgiveness,
He begged,
He wept,
Though Claire was blind to all the lies,
For that weakness,
Is how Claire died.

I can't keep track of how many times I've lied and said I'm fine,
But I'm not,
Everyday is a battle trying to keep the sadness from taking over,
Left with so much emotional debt,
An outsider would say I'm set,
I say this with a bleeding heart,
I'm falling apart,
I go to bed with a heavy head because of all the **** you said,
Trying to accept my sins,
But you won't let me forget a thing,
I'm aching,
But I've perfected the art of faking,
I'm not okay,
But that's what I've programmed myself to say,
I don't want these people to know,
I'm worried,
Wondering if I'll ever grow,
So I put on this little show,
Little do they know I'm dying inside,
I just need one person to listen and let me confide.
Conflicted feelings,
Everything they seem to say is true,
It's why I feel so blue,
It's hard,
Trying to drag myself out of the dark,
Sometimes they offer me help,
But I'm already bathing in self doubt,
Reluctant,
Maybe I'm too far gone,
Maybe I'm not the one,
Maybe I'm exactly like the rest,
I can't have that,
I contest,
Although maybe I don't know what's best,
These thoughts forever circulating my mind,
Maybe I just need time to unwind,
And forget.
They say they don't mean to pry,
But then ask me, if I'm sad, why don't I cry,
I say believe me I've tried,
Last time I showed blind devotion,
Shared my emotions,
I fell,
And let's just say it didnt go too well,
Now I'm a little bit harder to compel.

I always said I hate people that do it,
But I become one of those people,
I'm sorry,
I really am,
I didn't mean to keep you like that,
I put you on the back burner,
And what for?
So I could feed my ego when needed,
So I could feel completed,
But I want you to know it wasn't right the way you were treated,
Though it didnt go unnoticed,
It's actually why I wrote this,
The ****** up part is,
It shouldnt have been like this,
I kind of liked you,
Wait,
Or was it just because you were brand new,
****.
I've got to admit,
I'm not good at this apologising ****,
Sorry, my bad,
If it makes you feel better,
Settles your worries,
It's all really to do with my insecurities,
Oldest line in the book I know,
But I'm continuing to grow,
We all are,
On a constant journey to death,
Trying to saviour every last breath,
Taking what we can,
Without any real plan,
Just kind of following the guidelines set out for us,
Only a few get to be really free in this life,
School, job, wife,
Nah, that's not what I've ever wanted,
I want more, I need more,
I feel like this is what I'm here for,
To share my troubles with the world and let them open their hearts to my somewhat misguided thoughts,
Maybe they'll go against what they've been taught,
And connect,
Sublet,
Theres the real reason,
I just want people to maybe understand the bigger issues at hand,
So if I can,
I'm going to give you a brief tour of my mind,
Feel free to pick up anything you may find,
Just dont come in eyes shut,
Blind.
I went a little off track,
Let's quickly rewind back,
Hey Sarah,
I really am sorry,
But if you're here now,
And still questioning,
Maybe carry on listening,
You'll find all the answers you need,

I wish you all the best and hope you succeed.

I have enough hate running through this blood,
I cant afford to have another judge,
Yet there you are,
Reminding me I'm subpar,
Nothing,
Less than,
I get it,
A waste of oxygen,
But you're still my friend,
Right?
What a pathetic sight,
Stand up,
Forget these people,
Their standards and demands,
baby,
Free your hands,
You are worthy,
You matter,
The only important factor,
I hope this finally sinks in,
You have one life,
Why spend it suffering,
If they dont appreciate you,
It's their loss,
They're the fool,
As you are worth so much,
A hidden gem,
Maybe a jewel.

You see everybody but me,
Why is that,
Biologically programmed to love me yet you don't show any,
Worst part is, you don't have a clue when you do what you do,
One of the only people in this world that can cut me deep with your words,
I know it's pretty absurd,
I get it,
You thought I'd be more,
But why you really mad at me for,
You're the one that painted my path,
Didn't kick me in the *** when I needed it,
You were supposed to gift me with encouragement, love and inspiration,
Instead,
I was given self doubt and scars that ran deep,
Never wanting to come across as weak,
Quite possibly the reason I can't sleep,
The reason I stay quiet and rather not weep,
Maybe I'm crazy to say it,
But you ruined me,
My ability to truly be free,
Because I'm trapped in this mind of mine,
I hope it pains you to know that you hindered my ability to grow,
No,
This isn't a show,
Yes,
I can't blame you for everything ,
But you sure didn't help,
Had to do all of this for myself,
Slowly building my self wealth,
Maybe,
Just maybe it's a good thing,
You know the whole, you believing in everybody except me,
Because when I finally get to where I want to be,
I'll have no one to thank but me.