i possess misfortune.

in many ways.

it feels like
all that occurs
is my fault,
the unfortunate events
of forgetting,
falling,
foolishness,
anger,
anxiety,
apprehension,
p­eople leaving,
people crying,
people dying --
is all my misfortune.

my fault.

in many ways.

i dread talking the truth,
letting those words flow out
of my brain
and out my mouth.

it's seldom.

i dont speak my truth,
i am never honest
with my real feelings.

wont it just hurt people?

I’m not special.

Just another  
blonde  
white  
privileged  
child  
who thinks  
they can  
change  
this place.  

But that teacher  
wasn’t special  
either.  

I try to listen.  
They don’t.  
She didn’t.  

She didn’t care.  
Not for kids.  
Not for my words.  
Not for me.  

She made me  
hate school.  
Hate that place.  
Hate her cage.

i stare into
your sapphire eyes,
communicating your true feelings
without truly
speaking.

they tell me everything i need to know,
what you really think.
about everyone,
the world,
about me.

...

i stare into
your sapphire eyes,
they stopped talking awhile ago.
you've gone completely
numb.

The measurements will never be right
The numbers on the scale will never be small enough
The clothes are always too big or too tight

Eating anything is eating too much
Excuses like I already ate and such
Until I'm pretty there is something more important to feed

They won't like me unless I run
Mile after mile it is never enough
Try to convince myself that it's fun
To push my limits even if it's tough

I never look right
Nothing is flattering
I'm not going to fight
That my hope is shattering

I got thinner and they started to talk
The compliments came
They don't know the road I had to walk
I have no one to blame

I wanted to starve
Like it wouldn't do me harm
They dont notice when I skip meals
Until I show the pain on my arm

I need friends not food
Not thinking about it is key
I just cant change my mood

They know what's going on
But they will never know how deep
The knife goes when I see something wrong
Then again depression will start to seep

Every time I eat I feel like I fail
After there is always a blood trail
I won't eat until I’m frail
I really do despise The Scale

Does love only happen to the lucky ones,
or is it instead the tricks of the world that conspire within.
Can one be fully happy where there is love
or does love do like the wind
which continues to blow on end
Because with out it how can there be a beginning
as many Christians we know the beginning and the end
Genesis 1&2
But in this world so few can ever know the feeling...
the feeling of love; real, pure, true love
So its only true to ask does love only happens to the lonely ones.

Rain, rain, go away,
Because of you the pain will stay.
Slit my throat, cut out my heart,
Leave me here, tear it apart.

Poison tears stream down my face,
My heart beats at a steady pace
As I try to stand again;
Alone and standing in the rain.

I don't need you anymore...
Is what I think while tears pour.
I hate you like I hate my life;
But love is what cuts like a knife.

Love is death and death is you;
Its pain stains like a black tattoo.
Those memories come back again
And bind me in the ropes of pain.

Crimson blood streams down my head
Like a long, silk ribbon, tied by a thread,
To a platinum bullet, a hole in my skull...

...Now just a memory that's faded and dull

Summers almost over...
You have now left...
The horror begins.

Cold veins,
Dizzy gaze,
Slurred Speech,
And unstable feet;
This is all I'll ever be
A sad sight for all to see.
The frigid bathroom water drips from my old face,
They fall delicately with such grace.
And as I look up to observe
At a hard face that is so unpreserved
All I see
Is a face that does not belong to me.
The face my eyes stare apon
Is someone I thought I had with such a strong bond.
I thought you were someone I could honor,
But you were just my drunken father.

The harsh words you have ever directed towards me
Echo above on a constant repeat,
“You’ll never be good enough”
“You’re looking kinda rough”
“You’re just my walking paycheck”
“All you ever do is wreck”
“You are the only regret I wish I could undo”
“I hate you”

If not watching closely the single tear that has now mixed
With the droplets of splashed water would have been missed.
In my dream the eyes in this endless reflection
Are full of sadness and realization;
Realization that you are all alone, and the once vibrant
Bedroom occupied by me is now vacant.
It wasn’t you that pushed me away, but
It was merely your mind tainted with the poison of alcohol that felt like a kick to the gut
All this man feels now is regret for all the time that has come to pass
If only you had just put down your whiskey glass.

When I awaken from my slumber
I don’t feel sadness only hope and wonder
Hope that this dream will become reality,
And hope that I will once again see
My father as he was meant to be.
Sober,
Letting this horrid nightmare be over.

You have pushed me
To who I have come to be.
Once a scared little girl,
Now stronger than any white pearl.
Daddy you were never my strongest positive  influence,
And I will not push you to feel any repentance.
I will prove all of your cruel words wrong,
Sadly because of you I am now strong.

what would it feel like to stop hurting?