This bright believing band
Far from foolish
Neither narrow, nor numbed
Not a bit of what I planned will work
Excruciating, their sound;
How they strummed...
E Major, A minor, E Major, A minor
Endlessly repeating
Waiting for a sign ...or something
Sit, stand...
Make polite conversation,
Our hazy cocoons enshroud us
And we can believe
(Or not believe)
Either is easy-
We're not proud of this.
We attend this mimsy mayhem because we're searching for something lost here during our childhood
A sense of tribe
Of familial bliss
But we've lost touch
We are isolated
Disillusioned
Done
We don smiles and walk out
Wordlessly

Plodding through these piles
Such a pit I've dug
Longing all the while
For a pang or a tug
A seed for creation
A speck to commence
The thought's crystallization
To throw me from the fence

Come back to me
     From that vague memory
Those hazy retreats
     With singing and sweets

The word in my hand
     From memory, bland

I can't imbibe so much as a word

Oh pleasantry
     Come back to me
Plunge me deep beneath the river
Fond behemoth, make me shiver!

Hold me down... Hold me under
     Hark! The curtain torn asunder

The darkness is spread
     I lie in my bed

I can't imbibe so much as a word

I've children who yearn
     To learn and to learn
But what have I here?
     Doubt and great fear

What will this fire do
     If I try to paint it true?
Will it burn them, burn them up
     If they choose to drink this cup
                                                     ?

Death is approaching by year's end
My father is next in the family to go
And I, his eldest, with him to the end
Who should be his friend,
                               - am I really his foe?


I prayed once the reaper would take me instead,

Still being naive, and yet full of zeal,

In my dread at the news of another near dead,

I thought: if I was struck it would prove He is real...


Another thought now,
And this one less pure:
Why bother with treatment if
                 it
        is
               that
     sure?

And when the night has come
The eventide dusk having flown
I lay flat, knowing I am transient here
There's pain, ...but not fear...
Except for daughters, wife, and son.

The sickness is whispering, moaning,
Metaphorical, or real, never knowing.
My father's is bubbling over, they've shown...
And psychosomatic as ever, I own
Such guilt, for my lack of atoning.

His voice is not in the thunder
And the purpose of plague is to flounder,
And know in one's heart of the most perfect art,
That causes life's ending along with its start,
And allows for the will to lead where it may;
And to save all creation, but not in a way
That would breed automata, just to rip them asunder.

YOUR EARS hear every frequency,
Yet YOUR VOICE is imperceptible.

Intoxicated laughter, sober rage
Both are made within this cage
Silent prayer and crippling fear
Are ever present when you're near
The end of this short time with breath
Mysterious, this launch toward death

     The LORD will ******
     Every
     One

     It seems to be
     How He
     Has fun

So, now I am completely clean,
And see the way these thoughts careen?

Let's cling to hope
That God has planned
An amazing banquet
A rockin' band

A natural high
So real so true
In our new bodies
You, you, and you

ALL are invited
And ALL will arrive
LOVE will win
You needn't strive

Just open up
Your weary eyes
And know that here
Around you lies

A magic love
Hidden from view
It's waiting patiently
Waiting for you

'Delights in fulfilling
Every prayer detected
*But never in the way
That you expected

What can I say about your charm and grace?

Nothing that'll hold a candle to the glow of you

I can just close my eyes and see your face

The beauty of your eyes still pierces me clean through



The sparkle thrown and the curve of lid

Attract me like a moth to flame

Deep in my heart this love I’ve hid

Love of your laugh, your soul, your frame



The cheeks I bite; the lips I kiss…

Your kisses I’ll drink to quench this thirst

I sing your praises, please never dismiss

This ***** boy, because I loved you first



And forward we’ll march through this torrent of time

Wandering together on our common quest

And through these hard moments, which lately begrime,

We’ll hurtle directly and finish this test



I see the love and sadness in your eyes

The love, I’ll cling tight to, the sadness, arrest

You are mine...       ...and I am all yours

This journey can’t break us, for our love is best

Blue
     is what is
     TRUE

Black, a heart-attack

But
The dog-eared pages of the prophets and proverbs,
Smudged with the black of the resin on my fingers,
Folded and torn
The frayed edges
The murky riddles
The puzzle, the underlying meanings,
It is more of a black than a blue

Paralyzed
Got things to do

Got to make myself care
Got to make my limbs move

Taking the next step
Operating
Motivating
No more waiting

I am numb
 But there's an underlying dread
An underlying nausea
A sense that something is ...off

  Something needs tightening
  Something is stuck
  
  Something is bent
  Something's not right

Polish it up
Tighten the fasteners
Grease the hinges
Straighten what's bent

Scrape off the contacts
Re-flow the cracks
Moisten my lips
Take a deep breath
(From down in the belly)

Try to articulate
Try to be calm
Take a step back
Take a step back

Deflated, spent, and numb
The thrumming of the drum
Will keep my unwilling feet moving task-ward
Closeup on upturned thumb.

At night in bed, my teardrops drying
Trying hard to hear that sound
Sound of moving mountain thunder
Underneath my quilted down

Comfort me oh Great Mechanic
Panic has me faint and sick
Quicken now a firm believing
Grieving, my heart feels the *****

Far away my sister’s praying
Saying prayers to help my doubt
Shouting at beguiling spirits
Here, it’s lost...but I say shout!

Though we may not know it’s method
Death’d be the surest in
Sin's beautiful smothered in grace
Tracing your path...further up and in

Win the race thou good and faithful,
Bullish though you were at times.
Times, just being what these times are,
Far away we pray with rhymes

I came across a piece of paper from 2013, when Charlotte was five. I had jotted this down:

"New word Charlotte made up:
Orsificant (adj.) Both smart AND wise"

I still like the sound of that word.

And God, how I wish I were orsificant.

Old men are just depraved, we find,

There is nothing that I could

Have done to stop his sick old mind

From ruining the neighborhood



Parties that we once thought fun

Must now cease, it’s understood

Stay away the sick’s begun

Stay away for your own good



Grandfather-like he welcomed in

Little children, unawares

Rousing himself from his sleep

Oversight of vacant stares



Maybe it was just because

His brain was simply overtired

But slyly with unnerving jaws

His twisted mind became inspired



And snap, he tried to clamp them shut

On one so innocent and young

She dodged the trap and in her gut

It felt like she’d just been stung



Repeatedly she’s made to tell

Each tittle till the record's straight

She’s told forgiveness is the way

To handle his untoward state



And I stood idly by back then

A selfish little punk was I,

‘Only wished it hadn’t been

For my own serving each July



Enlightening it was to me

The sugar-coating thus removed

The world’s a cesspool, I can see

Monsters are real, it’s been proved



What’s more, oh sad epiphany,

The foul force within that man,

Exists a smidgeon deep in me,

Though full expulsion is the plan



It’s extant in the meat and bones

But I have yet to comprehend

Why that which speaks in dulcet tones

With animal-weakness can’t contend

Fundamentally selfish
Consumed with my own problems
I put on a face of concern

For him and her and them
When you speak, I am waiting
For my turn

Making sounds that create the illusion
Of interest
Keeping eye contact
So you think I care

Aware of my body language
Avoiding tells

Skills I'm employing, I learned on stage
Oh, yes...and...
...adding flavor to the conversation

Because you're not doing it right
It is trite - you've lost my interest
I don't have time for this

====~~€>

He's almost burned out,

The pathetic lout...

He's probably shortened his life

By years

But hold on

Sit tight

For through this dark night

Smoldering inside

In depths nigh unreachable

There’s a little leftover orange that glows

When the bellows blows

Sometimes you will
Try the mask on
No fun, no thrill
Not a bit fun

Feeling foolish while
Shaking their hands
But ...you do it
Anyway, and

Soon…you start
           to feel the part…for real.
The zealot’s zeal, …the urge to kneel...

Show me which are truths and lies
Show me what’s behind those skies
Tell me what I need to know
Lead me where I ought to go

Just help me get to a place
…where this mask
becomes my face.

I’m
Playing this part
Desperate to find
Under the art
Between the lines

The man I am,
A fraction of you,
¿Fact or scam?
Confusion all through

All of these feelings
Are too much for me to bear

What do I teach them
When my own true faith is fear

Will it be real for them
If it isn’t so for me

What do I teach them
For their souls to be set free?


    The beginning of wisdom
     Is
    The fear of the Lord
    Is
    The beginning of wisdom
    Is
    The fear of the Lord
     is...

Search through your bookshelves
For the bits that make it clear

Pity the poor boy
He doesn’t have the faith to hear

Grant me your wisdom
He is shouting at the dawn

Are you still with me?
How could I have gone so wrong?

~•~

I’m done with wishing
Done with the guilt in which I drown

I am contortion
Trying to keep my breakfast down

If you can hear me
Then let me gaze upon your face

Or let my angels
Escape the tragic fall from grace


     The beginning of wisdom?


Grace is not due me
That quality you give unearned

Is what confused me
In fits and starts the torrents churned

The less I notice
The more I feel I’ll make it through

Age is not wisdom
As I went on the less I knew

Intoxicated laughter, sober rage
Both are made within this cage

Silent prayer and crippling fear
Are always present when you're near

The end of this short time with breath
Mysterious, this launch toward death

                                 ---


                            The LORD will ******
                                                          ­ Every
                                                           ­   One

                                             It seems to be
                                                      How HE
                                                       Has fun


                                   ---


     See now I am completely clean
         And notice how
             these thoughts
                 careen?


                          •••  ---  •••

Let's cling to hope
It's all we've got
We hope it isn't
All for naught

Let's cling to the hope
That God has planned
An amazing banquet
A rockin' band

A natural high
So real so true
In our new bodies
You, you, and you

ALL are invited
And ALL will arrive
LOVE will win
We needn't strive

Just open up
Your weary eyes
And know that here
Around you lies

A magic love
Hidden from view
And waiting patiently
For you

God delights in fulfilling
Every prayer detected
But never...ever
In the ways expected

So "nearer my God to thee"
I'll sing as I go down
And oh so happy will I be
As I transform and leave this town

Driving on
Where'd I go wrong
In the creases

When did I
Decide to die
In pieces

Self sacrifice
To pay a price is ******
And zephyr blows but I have never heard her

...Too ...far
Down a road I shouldn't have taken
I live for vacation
I take one everyday


Driving on
Where'd I go wrong
In the creases

When did I
Decide to die
In pieces

Stubbornness
can take you crazy places
When you don't know
the folks behind your faces...
Can help you force
yourself into tight places

Watch your pace, yes,
It can ***** you too
So sad so blue
Oh what to do
Oh what to do

Come alive
Come alive
And drive

A blessing on you
I place with my heart
A covering
A blanket,
First an invocation to start:

May the One who is cause,
  who is start, who is first,
    feed you, your soul,
      and quench every thirst

May the God of all raise you by the scruff of your neck
And shake you and form you and snap you right back
To the place that you were when you went to the water
To the pond with our father,
-or when you learned from his daughter

I pray for you often, though I've been out of that habit,
I am trying to find it and if I spot it I'll grab it
But until I learn soul
And until I am wise
I will promise I'll look
At you with fair eyes

Please know little brother
I love you no matter,
And want you to sit with me up the rope ladder
I've never had words for you that you could follow
We've had joys and sorrow, some times hard to swallow
But no matter what I want you around,
And you and I both shall be wrapped in the Sound

Got to get
Outta' here
Jump the fence, we're
In the clear
Where do we
Go, my dear
Now that we're away?

To the spot
In the park
Where we burned hot
After dark
Got a blanket
And a spark
Drink to this fine day!

Acoustic bass
Crisp guitar
Beers and hacks
Worries far
Until we spot
A police car
And scatter like the leaves

No one's caught!
Such pleasantries
Those times they brought
Such memories
Sweet and hot
Beneath the trees
And we are thick as thieves
Hiding 'neath the eaves

Away he galloped
The gallant savant
Over hill and dale

The sun shone
On his anointed head
And flashed on his mail

With sword in hand
(The sword he'd got
From the Lady of the Lake)

He skewered through
(And sauced it too)
A tender, juicy steak

-
I wake
    A thirst
        A terrible thirst
            Rouses me from dreamless sleep
                So down to the kitchen
                    To douse and slake
                         With book in hand...
-
Aurthur
    A hero?
        This King of golden,
            Olden tales
                More like David
                    Than I previously knew!
-
A boatload of infants
    Four weeks old and unattended
        Born around May Day
            And a good man's wife
                Plays wet nurse
                    to King Aurthur's undoing
-
Elsewhere on my bookshelf,
    Apollo strips
        Marsyas of his outer finery
            After winning the battle
                ...Of the bands
-
Flayings a-plenty on canvases  
    In my image search results
      ...With "happy little trees"
            And the Faun
                 Skinned to his knees
-

Soothing voice of Bob Ross plays
    on loop in my head

Some of the only peace that has come
    Of late

-
Happy-little-flayings
    Happy-little-monstrosities
-

The sky is darkened, the sun is hiding
    his face in skies over 'round the
        eastern edge...and the moon is
            refusing to shine her light.

-

I open my throat and try to
    say...anything
        
           To YOU
.
.
.
And back toward my bedroom I climb

Last night, we buried her body
Down at the bottom of the hill

The moonless night was crisp and cold
    The slip of foot and blanket fold
        We very nearly lost our hold
     I caught a nasty chill

From seven till nearly half past eleven
We dug a hole and buried Lil.

This was no common dog
This wonder, understand

Was gentle beyond words and could
    Do any trick you want, for food,
        She'd even say "hello", she would!
     She'd weave or sit or stand


So somehow
we believe
she would never leave

But she had to go...she had to go
...it's not
what we had planned

But Lily,
darling dear,
we understand.

--

Nordri, Sudri, Austri and Vestri

Jumped right off of the castle tapestry

Lithely they run to the cardinals post haste

And cannot regroup or the dragons they’ve chased



Would hem in the map again, like long ago

When the world’s termination at mount, cliff, or snow

Would imprison folks fearful of fathoms in fright

And torture the thoughts of the children at night




Our heroes hold up the corners of sky

They've all said hello, and politely, goodbye

To a remnant who seek to look outside their square

Compelled by their heartbeats and chilled foreign air



There may be dragons outside of this dome,

But we shall slay them! And leave hearth and home

To illumine the darkness and know our own worth

To fulfill what's been destined for all since our birth.

The beat-down
    disciple
        knows

Someday she'll
    ...have
         new clothes

And the
    bitter
        God-transmitter
        
Having taped
    two thousand
        shows

Laying hands
    on all,
        he rose,

Had his coffee,
    spoke his
        prose,

Tuned his ear;
    thumbed
        his nose.

The sweet, sweet
    smell of
        spring,

Ah, the crisp
    olfactory
        ping,

And the
    honey-
        jar of money

Takes away
    the winter's
        sting

We're never
    happy
        with what
            we’ve got

We can
    pretend
        that we are
            but we’re not

Our narcissism
    knows
        no
            bound

And Echo
    follows
        every
            sound
...        ...        ...        ...        ..­.       ...        ...
(The sound of  glass shattering...
followed by footsteps padding along the forest floor...)
[Narcissus is running with the fairest Echo giving chase. She catches him...]

"But you always did such good!"
        Only 'cause I knew I should

"But you always gaze so lovingly at me!"
         Because in you, myself I see

"But you give to the needy, twenty-four seven!"
        I'm simply storing up my
        treasures in heaven

"And all of those spiritual teachings you mention?"
        That's just so I am the center of
        attention
...        ...        ...        ...        ..­.        ...        ...

We gather together in Your name
To give thanks

We place kernels of Indian corn into a small clay bowl; one kernel for each thing we are thankful for.

The bowl is filled to overflowing
...despite the harshness of this year's trials

Mike prayed for an Angel
And got two

"Brother Son"
"And Sister Mother"

Jeff and Otis in a loving embrace
Both of them with reddening faces

Dad's voiceless prayers
Gesturing, crying,
And the love of him in Mom's eyes

I love this group, truly

We give thanks
We give praise

Your golden hair shining in the sun
As you're bounding over the waves
Body glistening, muscles flexing as you run
The beauty of this moment rejuvenates and saves


Along the sandy shores of Lake Ontario
In the land where the sky and waters meet
We play catch with the Frisbee and crank up the car stereo
And romp until you’re panting to the beat


I remember the day  when I first met you
Among the napping huddling heap
Ignoring the others, you sat on my shoe
Pawing me, while your brothers fell fast asleep


So selfless, so smart, so easy to teach
You would whisper, and crawl, and back up and weave
Lily, my lovely, don't go, I beseech you,
Stay just a bit longer here, Lily; don't leave

Flashback...




We'd spent all day
In "the fields"
Not twenty yards from the whitewashed cemetery fence posts
Floating and then burning
Paper boats on a muddy puddle in a depression in the dirt

Phillip and Chris scored some Skoal From Danny or Billy, I forget which...
It was "long-cut"

We try a bit...putting it in our cheek
Like the big kids did
The Skoal making a strange and potent tea from our spit

The smallest amount of this tingly elixer is swallowed- and it's over.

I lose my lunch.
I am yawning in technicolor.

Chris and Phillip laugh and laugh.  
Then Phillip follows suit barfing on his shoes
Chris gives him an arm punch, with a smile.
I think Phil and I were both done with chew.

There was never a shortage of things to do here

Under an old barnwood board, was a magazine with glorious pictures that made us feel strangely isolated
From one another

We would memorize each line, each curve
For later when each would be alone
With the Sears catalog and some tracing paper.

We made single line trails for our bikes
With banks and jumps
Chris was the daredevil of the bunch
He would take a new ramp at top speed

His little brother would too
Sometimes with drastic results
Concussions and broken bones.

There's a chain store now
in the spot we called  "the fields". 

It used to seem vast.  
And now it looks small.
But that is the past.
Memories. That's all.

\



Your beautiful heart has a tiny little hole
Goin’ b’bap-bim-boom boom-bap...b’bap
The mitral-valve-prolapsed leaky little hole
It goes ba-***-bap, bitty-bap, rat-ta tat tat

Instead of the traditional ba-dum, ba-dum
And aside from the fact that I like the beat
There’s another reason, baby, I like you, (yum)
Why I lay myself down at your ivory feet

It’s not because your heart sound like a drum
Or the fact your soul shines bright and true
It’s not just the *** tuh-tum tum tum
...It’s because I have a hole in my heart too

Words seem to fail me, as I trudge on through...
The deafening, stinging wind and hailstones are flying
I haven't direction, but not for lack of trying...
Praying, reading, crying out...what else can I do?

Quench the nagging thirst that comes quickly with each expression
Quicken now a sure belief when all falls down around us
Bring to mind the fervent feelings from when love first found us
Heal this mess that stains us all; accept contrite confession

Heal this mess of pain that these stark storms have brought
Heal this tragic tangle pulling friends and family under
Soothe and salve the sickness and the strange and savage plunder
Do I really need to ask it, with all that death has wrought?

The woman I love is a magnificent creature
Caring and bearing so much, ...so much
When we met I thought there is so much to teach her
But quickly was I her student and such

Magnificent lessons learned I from this being
Touching and sharing I really can't say
What makes a bright angel, bejeweled in splendor,
Take a bent, broken creature, bedeviled, ...to stay

^

I rise with a start and begin the routine

Waltzing down the stairs



And the pain is there

Like a beacon repeating



Stark and clean

In the October air



And the pain is there

Like a beacon repeating



But I relish, for now,

Each sprain and tear



And the warmth that awaits

And my lungs filled with air



Now each creak and pin

Make alarms sound within



But the pain is a friend

That will ward-off the end



With each crunch and stumble

I resign to the fumble



I’m thankful I’m here

Despite wince and tear



I lean into the pain,

The pulp, and the fear


^

The bustle and the tedium
Are things I need escaping from
Yet time speeds by and still have I
Not planned a foray ‘neath the sky
To places that I know will put
My careworn brow back where it ought
To be.  And so my torpor worsens;
I begin to draw-back from random persons
I give up as I’ve done before
But freefall further.  What a bore
I have become...the quintessential
Flawed human… (how provincial)


It’s time to make the drive up north
To face my demons and burst forth
Upon the beautiful scenes I’ve seen
In years gone past, blue, brown, and green
Across sacred Adirondack waters
I must lead my son and daughters
Set up camp and sweat and think
Stoke the fire, pray, and drink
Climb and swim with nonchalance
This head and heart need renaissance
So I say, …and so I need to do
But I’m crippled from this moody blue

~

Vast...
Nigh unknowable
Quilt stretching out over incalculable
  intervals and distances…
Pulling. Churning.
Alternating between different frames
  of reference
Spinning me nauseas


Look at our local surroundings
Such activity above!
Mere minutes before the untrained eye
Takes notice of
The movers,
Slowly wandering across the speckled expanse


The fire has receded into its undulating
  orange-gray hideout
The satellites are so numerous now…
And the red-orange glow illumines
  your cheek, your neck, and your
  flyaway hair.
A distant owl
A dog’s hollow cry rings out echoing
  off of the hill
Sending this gang into high alert

•


Enough, enough and so to sleep
Without a dream or answer deep
From the Cobbler’s castle keep
My longing makes a leap

Awaking with such laudable strains
Abounding audible in my brain
Meaningful morsels, muck and mane;
The not knowing is such pain


Are all these songs that I get in the middle of the night coming from you?
Your subtlety sometimes is like a blinding light. What’s a boy to do?

Messages that the songs convey
Will sometimes drain my doubt away
But then again the very next day
“It’s artifice”, I’ll say

When will my longing cease?
Have I spent enough time on my knees?
Do I have demons to release
To hear the holy breeze?
...
If feelings weren’t just chemicals
Arriving in their ports of call
If they were tangible at all
I might avoid this fall

--
Reach out and touch the space
Right here, behind my face

I’m opening the door
But it don’t work no more

I am a
  mess of nerves…
Exposed and weathered at the curves

But the one who’s blessed
  ...is the one who serves
So here…have some hors d’oeurvres

--
I ask that you would calm me down
Gently bring me back around
To a place I once had found
Quiet, holy ground

This rhyme scheme is strained at best
And draws attention to my jest
So please just hollow out my chest
And give me holy rest


Are all these songs that I get in the middle of the night
Coming from You?
The way you leave it all so hazy just ain’t right
…Is that you comin’ through?

And here we are once again
Pen in hand, with a hollow longing
Sing of wanton joy and hope
Coping. Can you see the string?

Fling wide the windows, and,
Candy coat the sour parts
Tarts delight and frighten us
Fuss and fret about these starts...

And stops.

And there is nothing
More to say about it
But I could go on all day

I hold a picture
With your face upon it
And that's my means to get away

I can't offer you
The things that he can offer
There is no tranquility

But there is one thing
That you can be sure of
You can always come to me

And we can fly around the sun  
And we can...
And we can travel to the other galaxies
A supernova passes by
And we can...
And we can stop and see the
Sun
     ...flowers
The sun
     ...flowers
The sunflowers that we see


You bet your life
I would not trade one night
Or day we had together, you and I

And when it seems
As though we're in for nasty weather
We'll take shelter from the sky

But I can't offer you
The things that he can offer
There is no tranquility

But there is one thing
That you can be sure of
You can fly away with me

And we can fly around the sun
And we can...
And we can travel to the other galaxies
A supernova passes by
And we can...
And we can stop and see the
Sun
     ...flowers
The sun
     ...flowers
The sunflowers that we see

••



Over and over and over and over again
I will ask You to come and enter in

Why won't you reach out your hand?

--

I don't know if I can make it on my own
'Got people who love me but I still feel alone

Sometimes I just want to chuck it all...
But I don't
     And it's lonely
          for everyone

We've got to make it back home.

I am losing sight of the paths I knew
'Just got to tune-in my receiver to You

Must be some faulty transmission lines...
Oh what'll I do?
     Sit and stew?

I'm tellin' folks everywhere I roam:
     We gotta' make it back home.