In a hovel
In the middle
Of the dark moor

Lives our favorite
Anti-hero
From our folklore

He is waiting
For electric
Thoughts to surface

If you're wond'ring
Is he wand'ring
Yes, he sure is

But he nightly
Comes to sleep here
In his old shack

Where he'll always
Feel that he can
Find his way back

'Dines on squirrel,
Hand-picked field greens
...and an orange

Never mending
That old roof leak
Or that door hinge...

'Talks of hellfire
And of brimstone
Oh what is it

'Sends a person
To their limits
When they visit?

Maybe it's his
Dissertation
On "what's out there"

Or his casting-
Out the demons
From his armchair

Or perhaps his
Concrete notions
Of what truth is

And his staunch wit
Which at times can
Be just ruthless

Yet he's kind and
Truly loving
When I visit

Kindly, warmly,
Locking my gaze
Oh what is it

Makes a person
Want to stay far
From the bustle

Separating
From the life mass
And the hustle

Singing songs to
Phantom longings
And the west wind

And then only
Posthumously
Will his song end

And it's true that
Dissonant, he
Finds his thoughts are

Bestow blessings
On his blind eyes
And his guitar

Down in the quantum foam

When you are walking the Planck

          It’s even deeper

          Even deeper

It’s even deeper you roam

On down to foreign banks



Upon the salient loam

Afloat on quantum seas

          It’s even deeper

          Even deeper

Untying strings you comb

Through Heisenberg’s uncertainties



Certainly, You know just where You are

As well as your true speed

          Loved and hated

          Trifurcated

String to well past largest star

With knowledge of my need



Unfathomable space

And structures in-between

          Even Larger...

          Larger, larger

With a smile upon Your Face

With a passion and a gleam



With your pinwheel doing cartwheels

You don your sombrero

           Iridescent

          Omnipresent

Before breaking seven seals

You pause and feed the sparrow



Scaling Sloan’s Wall

Like it was but a curb

          Here, you're at

          In no time flat

Redemption from the fall

Released with such reverb

Of course, I was raised on those strangers in the pages

And Sunday school schisms and the devil and his rages

Seems to me to be the myst’ry of the ages

But I don’t know where we’re at



And things seem to me to be getting steadily worse

And it pains me so to see the real folks rehearse

And I know all the fakers quoting chapter and verse

But I don’t know where we’re at



If only

Oh, if only…

If only I could see

But the impercipient

Is me

There’s a germ under my toenail and it’s telling me what to do

There’s a germ that’s much to blame for why I’m losing touch with You


And I don’t know what to do, Lord, ‘bout wand’ring and revolt

But it’s the germs, Oh God, …
You know it’s not my fault.



There’s a voice from my past, who liked to talk about true Love

And the train filling the temple and the symbol of the dove

Preaching about the fear of the LORD, Offering a shoulder for your tears

But then again, it is perfect Love that casts out fears…



Then I think of the usurper from whom I take my name

And how he left his family without a shred of shame

The youth leader was his thorn and in his flesh she stuck

And so he frolicked, and left town, and didn’t give a ****



This appendage of the Body when these two start their rambles

Scatters like the seeds… that were sown among the brambles

So we grow and change and join in with a new throng - and we’re bored

We’re staying now for hours, hearing words of knowledge from the LORD



And watching hippie-throw-back-chicks with banners dance and swoon

And a friend upon the floor face-down starts writhing like a Bedlam loon

But sometimes there’d be special folks who’d cut through all the bull

And artists who, like me, seriously, wanted to be full



But maybe we were meant to learn to starve upon this earth

Like Franz’s fasting artist, I’ve been hungry since my birth

But couldn’t find the food I liked, nothing would suffice

“I’ve food that you know nothing of”, quips the Bread of Life



It’s been a masquerade of sorts… a lying to my self

The yearning’s real and solid as a tome upon a shelf

I’m happier when feigning faith (I think) I heed the call

But secretly, I feel as though I’m talking to the wall



The chasm yawns and stretches to unfathomable dimensions

Atonement is a far-off thing; …the germs control all my intentions

Or are we of a higher-order, on a lower-order plane,

Watched with love as we trudge and labor through this pain?




Fifth dimension beings in a four-dimensional place

Scholars trapped in meaty bags unwitting contestants in this race

To see if we can run it well, and in the end be told

Well done! …And now, I’ll remove your cursed cruel blind fold




To a God unknown, I freely state my low and perverse ways

I treat myself, and love myself, to make it through my days

With mercies new each morning and with amazing grace

It’s possible, through outrageous fortune, someday I’ll see your face

All of these feelings
Are too much for me to bear
What do I teach them
When my own true faith is fear
Will it be real for them
If it isn’t so for me
What do I teach them
For their souls to be set free?

The beginning of wisdom
Is the fear of the Lord
The fear of the Lord
Is the beginning of wisdom

    The beginning of wisdom
    Is the fear of the Lord
    The fear of the Lord
    Is the beginning of wisdom

Search through your bookshelves
For the bits that make it clear
Pity the poor boy
He doesn’t have the faith to hear
Grant me your wisdom
He is shouting at the dawn
Are you still with me?
How could I have gone so wrong?

I’m done with wishing
Done with the guilt in which I drown
I am contortion
Trying to keep my breakfast down
If you can hear me
Then let me gaze upon your face
Or let my angels
Escape the tragic fall from grace

    Fear and trembling
    Fear and trembling
    Work it out with
    Fear and trembling

Grace is not due me.
That quality you give unearned
Is what confused me
In fits and starts the torrents churned
The less I notice
The more I feel I’ll make it through
Age is not wisdom
As I went on the less I knew

Age is not wisdom
As I go on the less I know
All this blind fumbling
Where did my aspirations go?
Fire on the ceiling
Would be a start but I’d still doubt
How do I change me?
How do I cut the cancer out?

Maybe you’re mistaken
       when you think about what’s out there,
You attribute ev’ry stimulus
       to winged things from books,

Mistaking accidental circumstances
       for essential causes,
There isn’t really anything
       that God conveys with looks.

Perhaps it is hard to face the truth:
       we’re just meat bags with will,
Which slowly rot away until
       the day when we’re forgotten

Needlessly dissecting
       every move and every inner thought,
Attempting to discover
       what makes us all so very rotten.

Take a deep breath
And hold it in
Until you feel it all
...Fading away

Slowly toward death
All of us fall
Someday we’ll feel it all
...Fading away

Through my goat mouth, it’s true,
       you can hear me bleating,
Like a little lamb who’s lambier
       than lamby-lambs can be,

But yes in fact it’s bike tires,
       and tin cans that I’m eating,
And I feel my goat heart beating
       and... I want to flee.

My grandma is a fish
I saw the gaping mouth
The hook was just a wish
To pull her back down south

The gurgling and gasping
Were more than I could bear
Gnashing and convulsing
I felt a tiny tear

Ed just wouldn’t wake
From his sleeping chair
The paramedics’ take
Sank Mert into despair

Then not much later on
It happened just this way
She had a small procedure
The surgeon’s knife filleted

And when the job was done
Within a god ****** day
I got a call at work
And what you had to say…

She’s not long for this world
We’re going to unplug
Come down and say your peace before
we salt her like a slug

She doesn’t want to be
Kept alive with a machine
To go against her wishes
Would be a trifle mean

The big brains all are saying
She’s just a little old
And though she’d probably make it
If she did what she was told…

She doesn’t want to live alone
So let her keep her pride
Here is an exception
To that rule on suicide.

I just wanted to run, I just wanted to hide…

I just hated your faces; it just felt like you lied...

There are times when I can get me so down

As I’m travelling on the streets of this town

And it don’t take nothing, not a smile or a frown

To bring me back to that place



And I’ll either recover, or snap me clean through

With a smile or a frown…created by you

Respectively – you don’t think that that’s true

But it all comes down to your face



You can imagine what a comfort and joy that it was

When you said, “come on in busy bee, buzz buzz”

Come on in, as you are, take some nectar, fly far,

Let me give of myself, fill your amber-gold jar



But the sweet nectar, being considered a drug,

Has been withheld -in its place a small mug

Of vitamins, minerals, some words, and a tug

But I fall fast and frantic, framing the scar



So it’s back to the fields with the flowers I roam

Back to my drunken dance all the way home

Back to the amber-gold nectar, shalom!

I’m stuck once again in the foam.

Look for me in spite of what you see

Stop drifting leeward, keep an eye on the goal

Quicken all your senses and tune me in

I will do my best to soothe your soul



Despite this illusion that is now fooling you

I know you and love coming
   to the rescue

The things you’re seeing now
   aren’t quite the true

Each event is perfect
   from a certain point of view



Way past the spectrum range
   that’s audible

Block out the extraneous to get an inner vision

Tune in your ears, this frequency is laudable

My voice will make the fusion; my eyes will make the fission



So before you try to smell the flowers from underneath

Before you take that J. Urbonas rollercoaster ride

Visualize your picture of the spirit with the wreath

And try and try to follow
sans pomposity or pride



Illusion has within it, a glimmer of the real

An imperfect model of what’s there when we break through

Don’t be guided only by the feelings that you feel

Nor by the coldness of the calculating you

My bones are sore
At close of day
With pain in feet
And hair more grey

Now begins the
Springtime slurry
Winter's death,
The sprouting fury...

But it's the autumn
Of my days
And joints now throb
And mind's a haze

Yet Spring awakens
Yearnings which
Have long lain dormant
How the itch

Distracts a stiff
From daily dribblings
Daydreams, donned
With nubile nibblings

And out into
The wood I jaunt
Till pagan ponderings
Hellishly haunt

The corners of
My craggly crown
The parietal plunder
Pulling down

But satyr romps
Among tree bases
With myriad pictures
Of countless faces

Create a stiffness
'Mid sickened stones
Not of ***** but
Of the bones

At close of day
A man lay hoping
For another day's
Eyes to open

O new day come
It's not too late
Inner wellspring
Satiate!

I lay awake here trembling
In fear of what awaits
When I finally let go
And heave my final breath

I know that I have whispered words;
Things that ought to save me
But what of judgement?
What if there's nothing after death?

Ah, but this flesh that clings
Causes such searing pain

Thrashing, throbbing, and beating
Trying to leave me again

I will try to slip away...
Turn up the drip of morphine

But this will be the end of me
What does that mean?

I fall gently and surely, like dandelion fluff,
Stuffing my face, lungs, and veins with that junk,
Funky, fat freak, I, want to transform,
Normalcy ***** so I'm packing my trunk.

That shear inevitability though,
Flow of time guarantees multiple falls,
Calls to mind fresh bright blood spilled on snow,
O who would know snow?  I'm up to my *****...!

The joints are beginning to sear and fry
My seasonal torpor is at its peak
Seeking now a warm word, and smiling eyes,
Sigh, for the sun sets, and smothers the meek.

O Lord forgive me
Everything's hazy
I can't seem to live right
Without going crazy

My head is exploding
My gut is as well
You'd think this deters me
Like the prospect of hell

But time and again
Over and over
It doesn't, I hover...
Poison is lover

It's witchcraft, it's spirits,
Unholy devices,
It's victual vices,
And *** with sweet spices

It's worm of tequila
And the shine of the moon
It's Shire in my bowl
It's the Green Fairy's spoon

Lord I am wretched
I may be near-dead
I can't stop the pounding in
My ears, eyes, and head

I just want deliverance
I'm stuck in this bog
...well, maybe I'll just try
The hair of the dog...?

Whispered words

Don’t compare

To actions taken

Here and there

To let you know

How much I care…

I’ll never leave, my Love



Covenants

And pleasantries

These things are broken

Easily

But I want you

To stay with me

And so I’ll strive, my Love,



To fight the nature

Of our kind

I love your face

But love is blind

And so I search

Your soul for mine

I see it there

From time to time

Because, you see, we’re intertwined by things unseen, and God above.

I am a fixer; I want to repair,

I want to remedy your woes,

And take you up to highest heights,

The place where my heart goes



Each time I hear your voice,

In the timbre that matches your playful eyes,

Dulcet lovely tones, so choice,

It expands my mind, you must realize,



Ah, but instead I damage more,

The very muse I hold so dear,

So uncomfortable I become,

At the sound of the tiniest tear,



And yet, I love you, Muse,

An oafish child, though I am still…

You inspire the best of me,

You’re my Venus in the clamshell!



I want to frame your face,

When your smile allays my pain,

And gentle words drip from your lips,

Like drops from leaves after the rain,



You quicken my belief,

And make me want to try,

To be the best that I can be,

To make you glad, and keep you nigh.

Spinning and spinning
Six little circles
Flushing a life down the drain

Naught but a smidgen of straining, my pidgeon,
A blurr to the vision, euphoric, no pain    

My brain,
Will just shut down
I’ll get
Out of this town
The rain
Gonna pour down and wash me away

Whirling and twirling
My heart in the middle
Graphing the pathway to get the right spin
Crisp calculation, the subtle equation
Causing elation, at last cashing-in

Your brain,
Will just shut down
You'll get
Out of this town
The rain
Gonna pour down and wash you away
  
You must be THIS tall to ride this ride
It’s your human RIGHT to a nice
     suicide
This celestial plane, ...and all of it’s
     strife
We can help you jump past it,
It’s YOUR ******* life!
It’s all in your hands.
You know what to do.
Now is the time
To become the late YOU

Your brain
Will just shut down
You'll get
Out of this town
The rain
Gonna pour down and wash you away
  

My paradigm’s shifting
The veil is lifting
What was I thinking
My heart rate is sinking
And something is stinking
My consciousness shrinking
And what is that ringing
Do I hear choirs singing?
-
Julijonas
Fancy yourself the angel-reaper?
Julijonas Urbonas
Aren't you your brother’s keeper?

Is this just a "what-if", ...for fun?

O Julijonas
Julijonas Urbonas

…What have you done?

At length, he dons the fez and smoking jacket, lights a fire and a pipe and reclines in his high-backed Shangri-la chair.
The lips of his lover, hover...
Awaiting his own.

Jungle, bent to my purpose
     Adventure? Delight?
The Garden of Eden
     No pass time or plight

No wants or inclinations?
     All hungers fulfilled...?
No lingering longings,
     Save those that I've killed.

Such sweet satiation,
     No more for my plate,
Had more than my fill,
     And the hour grows late

Deep darkest leaf shades
     Letting little light through
Make a mood of Gethsemene
     Moving pictures of you

I want you so badly it makes me cry
I’m lonely, I’m lost, and in need

     My son let me hold you,
        your tears to dry
     Here is some food, little one,
        now feed

I want you so bad, or I think that I do
But why can’t I hear you speak?

     You need to learn discipline
        and what's really true
     Have faith in things you can’t see,
        yet seek

I so want to hear you, right here in my ear,
But what would you say if I could hear?

     I’d say, “Be at peace”
        and, “Try not to fear”
     I’d tell you I love you,
        and that I am near.

But Lord, precious Lord, please forgive me for asking...
And Lord, my God, I don’t mean to doubt you,
But aren’t these responses just of my own crafting?

     Not a bit.  
   I exist within you and without you.

I exist,

      within you,

             and

                   without you.

I’m biting the bullet, with tears in my eyes

Forcing my footsteps toward paths I despise

I will do it all you know

But I don’t want to go

It’s all for you



I’m painting a smile-on, wearing a grin,

But the mirth of this mask I don,
it's wearing thin

My pain, it's growing, dear

But I will persevere

For you



For some ungodly reason I feel lonely, empty, sad

Though you profess your love, and it’s the best I’ve ever had

I miss the holy love

From up above...or so they say...

Is it really greedy to have my little crutch?

Because you know, I love you all so much,

And I’ll give it up for you
...If you really want me to...

Today

At times I’ve believed it

And at other times, scoffed,

One of the oldest of pivotal fears,

Mentioned in scripture and stories and hymns,

The execration is stinging my ears.

And throbbing, echoing, clashing rhythms,

With no beat ...such tension… Distortion’s risings,


A march over mazurka decelerating,

Curious uses for curious things,

Intestinal-pullings, intestinal strings,


Every warping conceived by my kind,

Like tearing of flesh and torture of mind,

Nothing that’s wholesome, nothing that’s good,

The truth bent, the opening crude,

The too-thin passageway out, understood

And my own rotting flesh is my food.

Time is a faucet being slowly opened until the trickle becomes a torrent.
Time is flying by and we’ve been growing together
into one...



You are to me
My everything, True Love,
Filling me with glee,
Ordained by One above

Audaciously you leapt
Into my longing life
And though your mother wept
Steadfast, you quelled her strife

I, kneeling in the leaves
You, in that clownish-dress
Your acquiescence thrilled me
When you uttered, simply, “Yes.”

And now, like melting candles
Our beings intertwine
You hold me by the handles
I drink your kiss like wine…

It’s of the finest vintage
This kiss of yours, so fine
Each lip expressly minted
To snugly fit with mine

The mountains stretch toward heaven
Sky lies down with sea
The Lord has blessed a fallen being
And you are all to me

It's always just out of reach it seems
Dreams are something better forgotten
Rotten, my wrongs, with regrets of paths not trod
Fodder for turning and throwing my lot in

I desire it in the innermost places
Paces I've put us through seem to outshine
Divine interventions I thought that I wanted
Haunted my wish for true joy to be mine

HELLO UP THERE LORD, Is there anyone up there
Cherishing children who call on thy Name?
Shame that I can't seem to hear see or feel you
Why so taciturn, seems such a shame

You, dear, my life, and my true love forever
Hold keys to bonds that none other can sever
You are: reason to wed, or even to die,
The laugh in my belly, the tear in my eye,
The one single being who knows me, all through.
And all of my love, dear, is due only you

When first I encountered your radiant charms,
I knew I must hold you, my love, in my arms
And never relinquish this perfect embrace!
‘Lest I should miss kissing your smile and your face,
And then could I give of my self nevermore.
All other loves lack, save the one I adore.

My foresight and function dulls daily, my bride,
And fails, for your beauty should oft’ be descried,
And my lips fail to offer the reverent speech
This lack, bind it up, Oh, my God, I beseech!
But there is the rub, for although I don’t say-
I still feel a thrill when we’re still; when we play…

This heart is still filled when you come home, my Love.
Each day, it’s made clear, I should praise God above
For granting me someone whose soul matches mine,
Whose embrace is holy, whose kiss is divine,
This Love we have found, all other loves seek! -
The lovers of old and the Poet’s mystique

And now that our love is begetting new souls,
I thrill at the thought!  And I cherish our roles!
The glint in your eyes, it unveils motherhood,
Your tenderness shows and your love’s understood,
Our future envisioned, joy fills my whole being!
Passion for you trumps my hearing or seeing!

So then, let it be known to our progeny:
That our love is true and there never could be
Another love lasting through future or past,
That’s truer or deeper than ours, or as vast!
Let none through the ages e’er have cause to doubt
My love for my dear one ‘till breath shall run out.

And when I lay dying, if you have gone first
Pray God will have mercy and make my heart burst
Or if it is I who has gone on ahead,
I pray that eternity makes, for the dead,
The time seem an instant, so when I arrive,
I’ll turn and behold you, forever alive!