Lately
I don’t feel close
to poetry.

It feels elusive.
Unfamiliar.
Once it spoke to me.
But now it’s mute.

It sits back
and doesn’t look
at me.

If I call out
it doesn’t hear.

Lately poetry is
like that demon
I used to want
to reappear.

He had his tongue in my mouth
I was new to this and went along with it
He layed me down
I thought about my classmate in the front seat
He moved his hands up too high
I didn’t want to cause any drama
He put his hands under my shirt
I silently tried to push them away
He was stronger than me
I kept pushing his hands away
He felt me up anyways
I faked like I didn’t mind, while I smiled, tried to gently push him away,
He stopped and said “please”
I was silent
At one point he also tried to put his hand down my jeans
I pushed back harder than I’d done the first time.
The classmate in the front took a video
I looked like I was enjoying myself
I wasn’t
My friends saw it
I felt sick
People got mad at me for denying that I enjoyed it
I wanted to cry
My best friend didn’t believe me when I told him I was violated
I remembered when he said he’d protect me

Why didn’t you say no?
I was in shock
Why didn’t you get out of the car?
He was on top of me
He said “please” why didn’t you say No?
I was scared of making him mad.
Why didn’t you tell anyone?
I didn’t want them to know
Why didn’t you press charges?
I just wanted the whole thing to go away
Why did you pretend you were enjoying it if you weren’t?
I was scared, in shock, I wasn’t thinking clearly, maybe I thought it was safer than him doing it by force.

Why can’-
I don’t need to answer your questions
I was violated
I don’t care if you agree or not
Please
Stop making me relive it

I don't know why I think about,
The dirtiest word I know,
My eyes start to swell up,
It starts to eat at my soul.

Why does it come across me
Why do I feel this way
Why was I born different
Why couldn't I just be the same

The dirtiest word I know
Is one that was almost met
With a bottle of pills
That I cant say I regret  

A little girl back then
Not nearly the same
Wasn't able to admit
This would be a lifelong fear

Or a threat- I guess that's right
It taunts
and haunts
Sometimes wont leave me alone

This *****, ***** word
Is really starting to take hold
It happens when I'm happy
It happens when I'm sad

I guess the words are manic,
anxious and depressed
It sounds much better simply said
Then the  real words they represent

I skipped my medication
I skipped my only step
I could blame it on some other thing
But I'm the one at fault  

I lose control of everything
Of the world that I try to control
Will there ever be a cure for the way that I feel
Or will suicide finally take hold

It gets worse the older I get
I fear it will only grow
I hate how this feels
I hate who this makes me
I just want to feel normal again

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.