Mirror mirror on the wall
Who’s the thinnest of them all

Is it the angels
With their body perfect from all angles
Or
Is it the girls I see
With their frames so petite

Mirror mirror on the wall
Please me pretty as them all

Thigh gap so wide
They all cry with envy and broken pride
A stomach so small
People will ask if I eat at all

Mirror mirror on the wall
Why can I not stand at all

My body
It isn’t working on its own
But I can
Still see my bones

Mirror mirror on the wall
I am the thinnest of them all

I want
To be the thinnest girl found
I’m sitting
at 88 pounds

Mirror mirror on the wall
My heart stopped beating last fall

Laying in a casket
All I will say is
Being the thinnest
Is not worth it

You say I am beautiful
Scars and everything
But
Do you mean the scars that litter my body
Or the scars that litter my mind
My heart
My Soul

Oh, baby
If you knew
How the scars came to be
Would I still be beautiful to you?

I remember
Back when I was a freshman
My friends an I went to a varsity football game.
One of my friends brought along a friend of hers.
God
I will never forget the way he looked at me like I was nothing but a piece of meat
I will never forget how he smelled of Axe cologne and McDonald's.
We all were sitting in the bleachers, and he insisted that he was to sit next me
Fast forward to the middle of third quarter
Our school was in the lead
21 to 0
I remember the score exactly
Because
That is when I felt him
Ever so slowly
Place a hand on my thigh
I felt my body stiffen
My breathing quickened
My mind was full of warning sirens
Like the ones that scream before a tornado.
Every part of my frantic mind
Was screaming:

RUN!
GET OUT!
NOT SAFE!

But my body was frozen
Non responsive
To anything.
The burning sensation
His hand created
As he inched it up my thigh
Toward a private place
A place where a boy once touched
Without consent.
As if
His hands were allowed to freely roam
My body
A body that once was free of bruising
Scars
Memories
This boy at the football game
He let his hand get too close
To close to a secret place of mine.
Without a single thought
My closed fist connected with his left ear
His hand left my body as if he realized
That I was tainted
ruined
damaged
Broken
I could hear the group of seniors
Behind us let out strings of

"OH"
"****"

Along side their howling laughter.
My friends all screamed at me

"**** it!"
"What the hell is wrong with you?"

I let them scream
And blame me.
For all
They didn't know
That for six years of my life
A boy who was suppose to protect me
Snuck into my room
Every
Friday night
And left his mark
On a body he claimed as his.
They didn't know
So I can't blame them
right?

When I got home that night
I stripped off all my clothes.
I turned on the shower
Boiling hot
Climbed in.
I scrubbed
And scrubbed
And scrubbed.
I scrubbed until my skin was raw.
I scrubbed until parts of my skin bled.
But
One thing I have learned
Over all these years
Is that
No matter how hard I scrub my body
My body will remember
My body will forever feel the hands of
Boys and men
Who thought my body was opened
To the public touch of their muddy hands
And beer stained mouths
When I went to bed that night
I had on four layers of protection
...
I meant clothing
I had on four layers of clothing.

We created a forest

A forest we created and also destroyed

Destroyed with wild raging arguments
Spitting flames at each other’s sheltered hearts

Destroyed with shaking walls from redirected fists
Swinging drunk hands in hopes of getting your way

Destroyed with hurricanes of tears from sleepless nights
Drowning in sorrow and regret from words and actions

Some nights when I can’t sleep
I find myself walking through the same forest
Reliving all the bad
But also all good

The nights spent dancing under the fake stars
That we hung in the living room
The days we spent climbing trees, racing to the top

Even though i am no longer the person I was before you
And you are no longer the same person you were before me

I still miss you
I still hope you miss me
I hope that you miss me so much
That you too walk through our forest
Touch every scorched tree
Every split rock
Every raging river
And think of me
The good and the bad

I was abused as a child
Now as an adult
I crave for it
Like a pregnant woman craving pickles and peanut butter

I look for around every corner at 1 am
Short skirts, crop tops, 50F degree weather
I know houses that are unsafe for girls my age
Should I knock?

I look for it in the mouths of men
Men who were older than me
A reputation I wish I didn't have
But I do

I look for in the alcohol I drown my liver in
The boys liked to party with me
I was able to shoot whiskey and *****
No need for fruity drink or wine coolers

I look for it in the rolled paper I puff in his garage at 4am
With red eyes and foggy head
The only time I actually felt safe

I look for it in the pills I've popped at parties
Honestly, I have no clue on pills I took
I didn't care then and don't care now
Wish I was still 15 and dumb

Why is abuse addictive?
I wanted to escape it
I escaped it

I am looking for it
I want it
I want the fear
The bruises
The screaming
The pain
The everything

Who am I without the Abuse?
Am I even a person without it?
Is that all I am good for?
To be used and abused.

I thought I was over you
Over the way you laughed
Over the way you talked
Over the way your blue eyes watched me
Over this stupid little crush

But when you were on my mind
While he was on my body
I knew I wasn’t over you
Not the slightest