He is the ocean in a hurricane
Chaotic and beautiful
Powerful as it churns deep in the sea
Leaving nothing unsettled

The water at the surface swirls
Pulling everything into the depths
Like a vortex
Holding me captive in the waters embrace

His water crashes in waves on the shore
Permanently marking the earth
Engulfing the passers by
Destroying the monotony

And when the hurricane passes
The surface settles calmly
And His gentle strength surrounds me
Leaving nothing in me unchanged

Does anything happen in the hesitation
Can time move forward
Or am I sitting on the edge of my seat for nothing

I hesitate out of fear
Because I know what I’ve known
And I’ve lost myself to a lie before

I’m hesitant to feel anything
Because everything hurts
Even when it’s good

Why do I deserve good
When did I earn happiness
What makes me worth any effort

But I’m already lost again
And I know exactly where I am
And I already feel what I feel

This is like nothing I’ve ever known
And though I feel guilty
I want this feeling to stay

The edge-
I stand at the edge of the water
Where my toes barely graze the cool tide
My heels lifted off the ground

I’m unsteady and my balance wavers
To where one breeze might knock me forward
Out into the ocean of time and change

If I just let go I could fall blindly
Let the waves pull me in
And sink into the sea until it covers me

I’m afraid to drown
I’m afraid to lost sight of the sun
I’m afraid because I can’t run away underwater

I’ve always had a way out
I always know my escape paths
But this ocean is so strong and overwhelming

The salty smell pulls on me
Stronger than any desire I’ve ever felt
To just dive in headfirst

If I could just throw caution to the wind
And actually live for once
I wouldn’t be standing on my toes at the edge of the water right now

Time is frozen solid
Like the ground in the middle of winter
It takes effort to dig down
To break through the barrier

And more ice just piles up on top
Like the snow and icicles
Falling off of the trees in the wind
Covering the fact that we’re stuck here

Time doesn’t move in the dead of winter
It stands still until the sun rises again
And spring warmth begins enter in
Thawing the solid foundation that we walk on

And we just wait
Not realizing that we’re standing still
Hoping expectantly for spring to come
And save us from this icy prison

But what if spring never comes
Time must move forward for seasons to change
Everything will stay the same
Unless someone is brave enough step out

I am not brave enough to step forward
I can’t let go of what’s here now
I can’t forget the harsh winter
There’s too much here that holds me

So when you decide to step forward
Into new spring growth and warmth
Grab my hand, and take me with you
Don’t leave me here, frozen in place

You moved on
So fast and easy
Like I never mattered
Like what we had wasn’t real

And you seem happier now
Like a weight was lifted
And your free
Free from me, as if I was a prison sentence

Did I hold you back
Keep you from accomplishing your dreams
Take away the things that make you you
Force you to change when you were with me

I never thought I had you trapped
All I wanted was for you to be happy
For you to find what you needed
And bloom like the flowers in the spring

But you left me alone
You went out searching for something better
And you found a new mountain to bloom on
You found a new sun to fill you with warmth

You never wanted me as I am
You wanted to make me into another you
You wanted me to make your life easier
And set you up for your dreams and desires

And then you wanted to leave me
Broken and used up
Silent and feeling guilty
Hurting and emptier than I ever was before

Busy people
Running to get everything done
So focused on things to do
They don’t notice the world around them

Worried people
Constantly thinking about the worst outcome
Obsessing over what ifs
Scared to truly live their lives

Tired people
Struggling to keep it all together
Disorganized and messy
Barely making it to the next meeting or appointment

Dying people
Slowly wasting away everyday
Not cherishing the little things
Not noticing that this is what makes life worth it

Today I am stepping into the water
Wading deeper until I’m covered
And the current sweeps me up with it

I will swim with the current
Following wherever it takes me
No longer fighting against it

I will dive deep into the ocean
Seeing all the new life in the depths
Greeting every new experience with open arms

I will keep my eyes open
To see the wonders of the ocean floor
To notice the details of every beauty before me

I will embrace the change
And be fully open to all the possibilities
I’m ready for a new frontier

I’ve been yearning for this for so long
And it’s finally here
Today I’m free to swim and be me

You tiptoe in the edge of the water
Sending ripples out over the surface
Affecting every living thing that exists there

On the surface is the moons reflection
Dancing wildly on the water
Moving with the current without hesitation

And the stars in the sky glitter the area
Contributing every amount of light they have
No matter how small or insignificant

You lift your face to the sky and breathe deep
Taking in the scent of the breeze
Noticing the details in the nature around you

There is harmony between you and the night
You move with grace and beauty
And it’s breathtaking how it compliments the universe

When everything was scary a wrong
I found peace in knowing someone was out there
Who understood what was happening

And maybe it’s not that you understood
But you were willing to try
And see my feelings and know my side

And then when things were harder
You didn’t just let me sit alone
But you stole my seat and made me be beside you

Instead of pushing away like everyone else did
You opened up and accepted me as I was
All broken and confused and messy

And when I begin to worry and overthink
You reassure me that everything’s okay
Instead of letting me believe I’m crazy or wrong

And when everything’s good you let it be
Instead of tearing me down
And ruining all the little things that make me me

And when I thought I could never hope again
And had no faith that things could be good
You made me believe I could be happy

It can be easy and fun and carefree with you
And I don’t know exactly what I’ve found
But I know I want to keep it

The season here is turning
The breeze is warm again
And flowers are growing anew

But it’s not the same as it was
The breeze no longer sings my name
And the flowers don’t smell as sweet

The peace that I once felt
Is replaced by confusion
And I feel restless in this place

I know what it means
Because I can feel it
That my welcome has come to an end

So I have to go for now
But don’t worry about me
Because I’ll still be around

Touch me where I can feel it
Pierce me right through the heart

Break me into tiny pieces
And carry me around in a backpack

Take me apart bit by bit
Until we’ve forgot how the parts go together

Burn me where it means the most
If that means I’ll feel something other than this

Take all the parts you need for yourself
And leave the rest lying in the corner

Just touch me where I can feel something
Anything is better than nothing

What does it feel like to be pursued
And how do you know if your wanted
It seems dumb but I don’t know the answer
I just know that I don’t feel it
And I can feel myself withdrawing
Not because I don’t want you
And not because I’ve lost interest
But because I can’t let myself get hurt again

I never knew what I wanted
What I needed from him
I couldn’t see clearly
Why I was unhappy and hurting

But I know what I want now
I know what I’m looking for
And I know what it’s gonna take
I know what I deserve

I want pursuit
I want him to want me
And want to know me
To spend time learning who I am

I don’t want to have to be first
I want to feel like I’m important to him
Like I matter and my feelings mean something
And I want to be chosen

I’m not going to give myself freely
To anyone who walks up to me
And tells me I’m pretty
And flatters me

I’m going to be the strong person I am
And stand on my own two feet
And make my life what I want it to be
If he wants me, then he’ll have to come get me

I know who I am now
And I know I’m good enough
I know I’m not unlovable
I’m not perfect, but I’m enough

I deserve to be asked on a date
And to be taken on an adventure
I deserve time and effort
And caring and compassion

I deserve at least what I give
And I can give a lot of love
And I care so much
I want that in return

In a way that speaks to me
And it may be difficult
But love isn’t easy
And neither am I

So I’m not selling myself short this time
I’m not settling for looks
Or good ***
Or a fun time

I’m holding out for passion
And strong pursuit
And caring about the little things
And not holding back

I will love people with all I have
And wear my heart on my sleeve
Because that’s who I am
But I won’t let just anyone have me

I’m a giver by nature
I give all I have
Before I ever receive anything

I’m reckless with affection
Pouring it out liberally
For the one that I truly care about

But I feel empty now
Bone dry and I’m not being filled
No one is pouring back into me

I don’t want to lose you
But I need more of you
More quality, not quantity

Because I give so hard
I fall so deep
I love so strong

And when I step back
I feel like I’m alone
And I’ve fallen further than you

My instinct is to withdraw
Recoil and protect myself
Distance myself enough to let you catch me

And I don’t want to say anything
Because what if it’s my imagination
And I’m just paranoid because I’ve been hurt

But what if my feelings are legitimate
Or worse than that
What if you have withdrawn from me

I’m unsure of the right move
And I feel unsure about us
My heart is torn up

I know I don’t need you
I can make it on my own
But that’s not the point

Because I would like to have you
I desire to be your everyday
I want to be with you

So I guess the real question
That I need to know
Is do you want me too?

Leaving you made all the difference
It changed me on the inside
Opened me up in a way I never could

I’ve found meaning the mundane
Purpose in the everyday things
That I have taken for granted

I see the beauty in those around me
I can love the little things
The little important things that I skipped over

I notice the details of my life
The small pinpoints
That are really just the tip of the iceberg

And the iceberg that’s uncovered
Is what’s been inside of me
It’s what makes me who I am

Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done
But it’s what had to be done
For me to find myself

I’m making steps in the right direction
But my feet still seem to falter behind
I can’t help but mourn the loss
Of someone I no longer wanted

Just because I didn’t want him
Doesn’t mean he has no value
But still he was thrown away
Like last weeks leftovers

But I don’t want him to go to waste
Such genuine beauty
Shouldn’t be left to rot alone
He deserves all the things I couldn’t be

And he will find it
I have to believe that this isn’t it
He’ll find the love and passion
And he’ll realize that he found better

I can’t think for a second
That I destroyed a life
So pure and compassionate
For my own selfish needs

I have to know that this was the right thing
I have to hold onto my truth
That we were holding each other back
From what we truly needed

I have to
Because the alternative
Is too much for one person to bear
And I would crumble under the weight

Love will land on his doorstep
Happiness will settle like dust
On the furniture in this house
Where he’ll still be, fighting alone

He will find freedom and laughter
He will find himself in the ruins
And I won’t be there
And that will be okay

Just a second in time
And you freed my mind

Just a tear shed
And now I can get out of bed

Just a leap taken
And my life is not longer forsaken

Just a second in time
And now I can call you mine

I tilt my head up
And you look down at me
And I can’t think about the future
I can’t focus on anything
But what’s happening right now

I can’t see past your eyes
Sparkling and flowing
Like the Milky Way
Filled with all the meaning
They hold every secret worth knowing

I can read volumes in the blue
A life of pain and struggle
That makes me angry
But a gentle strength
That melts my resolve into nothing

I could look into those eyes all day
Learn all the knowledge they’ve ever known
See all the beauty they’ve ever seen
Feel every tear that’s ever been shed
I could never get bored

I could explore the milky way
Until the end of time
Learn every inch
And see every planet and star
Just by looking into your eyes

I am who I am
Unapologetically
Unbound

I am a dreamer
Forward thinking
Always moving

I am a lover
Slow to anger
Quick to forgive

I am afraid
Of losing myself
staying still

I am unsure
Of what’s right
What I want

I am sensitive
Take it personally
Blame myself

I am passionate
Give everything I have
Hold nothing back

I am driven
Will never settle
Put up a fight

I am kind
A simple smile
A warm hug

I am a mess
Always late
Disorganized

I am reckless
Impatient
Jump before I think

I am enough
For this world
Just as I am

My face is warm like sunshine
Round and bright
I stare up at the burning orb in the sky
That I share so much likeness with

At first glance it’s beautiful
Bright and hot
Erupting with light
Happy and free

But I can feel the wrath beneath the surface
A reckless storm lies underneath
Churning and billowing
A constant angry motion

There’s so much depth
Lost to the brightness
If the light would only dim for a short time
Then everyone would see the truth

The blinding truth
That it’s out of control
That it’s fighting to stay alive
Fighting to keep its light

So it can mask the truth
So everyone will remain unaware
Of the turmoil and fear
Of the chaos and pain crammed inside the light

It won’t show
No human will ever truly see
Because the sun is good at one thing
Remaining bright

So I stare at the sun
Bathing in the warmth
Comparing our likeness
Because I know the truth behind the light

The space in between the seconds
Keeps growing smaller
As time goes on
Until you can’t even feel it anymore

But the space between him and I
Just gets bigger
Until the edges can’t even be seen
And we’re both lost in this void

Though the space is so big
There’s not enough room
To fit all the little things
The important things

So we both just wander aimlessly
Through the black
Never finding our way back to each other
Though I was searching for you

But we let the space get too big
And when I found the wall
I climbed out
And I didn’t go back to look for you

I found myself
High above the wall
Looking down at what used to be
But I didn’t want to go back

Go back to the empty
Where all those little important things
Didn’t matter to you
And you just threw them in the garbage

And threw me in the garbage
Because those little important things
All the weirdness and quirks
Were parts of me

So I climbed out of the black
And picked myself up out of the trash
And moved on
And I’m not coming back for you

Because I found myself
And I realized that I’m okay
With all the weird and the quirks
I’m okay with being me

So the space in between the seconds
Is going to keep getting smaller
And time is going to fly
Faster than ever

But I’m ready to fly
And I’m okay with being me
Now you just need to be okay
With being without me

Today I can feel
For the first time in a while
I feel everything

My warm cup of coffee in my hands
My shirt as it hugs my body
The hard floor beneath my feet as I walk

I can feel it all
And today, I notice it
All the details stand out

It’s like the dullness from the past days
Has shifted into the sunlight
And my whole life is in full bright color

Yes, I can feel it today
I feel good, and whole, and full
I can feel it ❤️

Just one more drink
And I’ll feel good
Just one more and tonight
Can be a night I don’t remember

Just one more dance
And my feet will be free
And I’ll no longer be glued
To this seat that holds me captive

Just one more song
And I swear I won’t care anymore
And all my worries
They’ll just fall away to the beat of the music

Just one more step
And I won’t look back
Not even if you’re hurting
Not even if it rips me apart

Just one more night
And I can leave this place
I’ll run so far away that no one can catch me
And I’ll be free for once

Just one last time
And I won’t have to lie to myself
I’ll finally scream my truth
On the rooftop and everyone will know

Just one more tear
And I won’t let you see me cry anymore
And the pain that I hold onto
Will be mine forever

Just one final breath
And it will truly be my last
But don’t worry about me
Because it’s for the best.

A safe place
That’s what you are
Somewhere that I can rest
And my mind no longer races with fear

Just talking to you brings peace
And I don’t worry about consequences anymore
Because I feel protected
With you there’s safety

But you’re so much more
You take me of out my comfort
Tearing down the walls I’ve built
Showing me that there’s more

You force me to be true to myself
To take risks
And encourage me to embrace the me
That I see when I look in the mirror

You pull me out of complacency
And bust through all my doors
Daring me to live again
Reminding me that there’s more to life

And though that’s a lot to be
That’s what you are
You’re so dangerous that I shake with fear
But you’re also my safety net to fall back on

What if I could fly
At any moment just take to the sky
I’d fly all the way to the sun
Even if it burned me alive

What if I could change
I’d be a better person for you
And I be happier with what I have
I would if I could

What if I could hide
I would Turn invisible for a while
Just to be by myself
Because I feel alone anyways

What if I could climb
I would climb to the top of the tallest mountain
And everyone would look like ants
And I wouldn’t care about them anymore

What if I could run
I’d run out of this house
And finally see what’s outside these walls
The world would be mine

What if I never knew you
Our lives might be better
And we wouldn’t hold each other back
I wouldn’t know that I’m not enough

What if I didn’t cry
I would be strong and hard
And words wouldn’t tear me apart
Your actions wouldn’t phase me

What if I didn’t care anymore
You could walk in and out
And my smile would stay the same
My life would continue without you

What if you die
I would hate myself
And I might never forgive you
I would just rot in this hole forever

And what if it never ends
I would always feel this way
And I would always need you
And you still wouldn’t see me

I write for me
It doesn’t matter if anyone reads it
I don’t care if anyone sees
I write when I want
About what I want
However deep or shallow I feel
However obscure or blatantly obvious it seems
I don’t write for anyone
I won’t change the words that come out
I won’t edit my thoughts
I write for me

So often does the light shine down
To catch the shadows
And scare them back into their place

The sun, usually thought of as that
The strong presence in the sky
Fighting the dark and winning

But what does the sun have to fight?
What enemy lurks in the day
No shadow dares to show its face

In the night the true evil appears
Darkness covers everything
And the shadows feel free to roam

No light can conquer such darkness
And the sun doesn’t even try
And most of the good become cowards

The moon still chooses to shine
Even though the odds are stacked
With what little light she has the moon tries

And though it’s almost hopeless
She does conquer some
And darkness dims in her light

No, the moon is no coward
Not afraid of a little darkness
She hangs high and proud and shows the dark

That not every shadow can live
Darkness will never have free reign
She’s convinced that darkness cannot win

Yes, the moon will be there in the sky
Every night for all of time
Fighting and shining with every ounce of her being

The sun can hide all she wants
Save her mighty light for the day
And shine bright when everyone’s awake to see

But never forget the moon
When the darkness comes again
And she’s needed more than ever

Take all that I have
And use it to fill you up
In all the spots that you need it most
The places left empty from the past

Fill all the parts
That leave you feeling empty
Until you’re so full
That you no longer hurt

In fact, give that to me
And I’ll hold onto it
And you’ll forget about
All of your pain

Don’t even hesitate
I have plenty of room
And seeing you hurt
Breaks me

Just hold on to me
And together we can fly
Anywhere you want
And we’ll feel everything so deep

And I’ll turn your pain to happy
I’ll dry your tears on my shirt
I’ll hold you until the stories over
And we can write a new story

Of freedom and laughter
Constant and peaceful
And not just okay
But extraordinary

When I write, it’s like the pen comes alive. It’s like every word just pours out and I don’t even have to think about it. My whole world revolves around this one sentence, this one paragraph. And it has to be written. I can’t stop it. The words are formed with passion and pleas. With emotion and brokenness. And if I didn’t write them, my brain would implode with all the pressure from today’s truth, my truth. Writing is like a breathe of fresh air after a long dive. It’s like opening my eyes after a nights sleep. It’s like tears falling when I hear a beautiful song, or gasping when I look up at the moon and stars. I just do it. And it heals me.

Either love me or leave
Because I can’t ******* take it anymore
You never wanted me anyway
I can’t be who you want me to be

So many times I’ve needed you
And where the **** were you?
Thinking of yourself and making sure
That you were the one who came out on top

All you ever do when you’re here
Is manipulate me and brainwash me
Into thinking that I’m the one at fault
And somehow I believe it every time

You use my desire for your love as a tool
To get me to do things for you
And then as soon as you get what you want
You leave me broken and rejected

I can’t change how I was made
I can’t control who I’ve become
And if you had ever been there
Then maybe you could see why

But you never ******* were
You don’t know a single thing about me
And you have never done a single thing for me
So why do you keep using me

You take and you take until I have nothing left
And then you turn it around like I’m holding out
When I’ve literally poured out everything
And I’ve never held back

But I can’t anymore
I’m done with being your puppet
I won’t let you trick me anymore
I have to take care of me

I’m all I’ve ever had anyways
And I’ll be better without you in my way
Because all you’ve ever done is hurt me
And then blame me for being in pain

So either love me or leave
But don’t ever expect anything from me again

Oh, to reach the sun
So bright and ominous
Yet still giving life to those helpless and in need of warmth

The sun, so far away,
Yet so close
So that his warmth can be felt just past the tip of my fingers

Is he lonely out there?
Alone in the sky,
And does he yearn for the eclipse as I do?

How much longer can the moon wait,
Illuminating the night?
When will i run out of light to give when nothing can give it back?

But the sun would quench that thirst for light,
The hunger for something more
Im desperate for the sun to do what only he can do

But if the eclipse takes too much longer
I’m sure I’ll disintegrate
Because every night drains more of my light and before too long it’ll all be gone

I have to hold on to my last drop of light
I have to be able to make it there
To finally feel the heat
And let the flames devour me and make me whole again

A lifetime I’ve been waiting
And a lifetime more I will
If only my light will last
Because there’s nothing else I live for

I have no other reason to rise at night,
I have no other purpose to continue
And no other motivation to exist
I hold on for the sun

And I will continue to hold on
Grasping at every last ray of light
Until I can no more
Until the last spark, just to to see the sun.