What became of me?
Stripped of my identity
Grief engulfed my soul
Where is the girl of old?
Was I simply existing
Inside a well formed shell?
No-one new my weaknesses,
No-one could tell.
What became of me?
Stripped of my identity
When you came to me
I was oh, so happy
You left me feeling hijacked
And my world was shattered through
Now I’ve lost my confidence
And lies became the truth.
What became of me?
Stripped of my identity.
I’ve become so sad
Thinking of what I could have had
I must learn to live with this
Yesterday’s girl non-existent
Now I have to get to know
The me I really ought to show
I’m living with a stranger in my head.
What became of me?
Now I see that I am free
Welcome in the new
And start to become truer to myself

Walk with me through this barren desert.
As we search for the life that was once here.
The forest that filled this land vanished
As nature left in search of better ground
Only to consume itself
Leaving behind this barren wasteland.

Although we traverse together, our hearts and minds are miles apart.

Consumed by our own thoughts
Our own pain.
It is all that can fill the emptiness of this land
We drink but thirst.
We eat but hunger.
Our agony is as filling as the void of this desert.

Mindless we walk as lost souls fill this world
Traveling with no destination
Walking this same path every day.
Our lives are consumed by this desert.
It is all we see.
It is all we know.

Do you ever meet someone who has a messy room
clothes scattered everywhere knickknacks empty food wrappers piled so high you can't even see or find the floor because it's buried under miles of a mess
and when you ask the person why they don't clean it up they say
I know where everything is
I like it this way
it's comfortable
I'm used to it
comfortable messes
we make those a lot in our lives maybe not in our rooms but certainly in our minds
we the ones that feel too much
Misunderstood
rejected
Neglected
Ignored
spending our whole life fighting for just a scrap of attention
that falls from the table of the normal ones
the holy gods
who know what love without doubt reflection without disgust
friendship without fear
life without a façade feel like
because they aren't being constantly traumatized by their thoughts.
I am on a first name basis with depression and anxiety
They come over nightly and are the first ones that greet me in the morning. Trash talking me to sleep and warping my perception when I wake. Apologizing with every inhale cursing me with every exhale but at least they hold me and say "I'm here" an abusive comfort but it's comfort none the less since nothing else offered it's hand when I asked
Its front door is my ribcage
its favorite place is my cheeks.
I became a home
letting sadness fill the vacancy tragedy put in my chest
and I guess being needed was nice when I didn't think anyone else did.
I was unaware of renovation they had in mind
Replacing my passions with paralysis
My deity with doubt
My social scene with solitude
My self esteem with sharp objects
And the persuasive whisper that it will feel good I promise replaced my cry for help and turned me into an addict with the pink flesh to prove it.
I even get to wear short sleeves cause nobody notices
Cue the incessant bullying of being an attention seeker
Because I didn't pull down the curtain of long sleeves over my struggle
I was honest and you said I was weak
But you're right
I am not sick
I do not need a doctor
I am a circus act
And the ringmaster is suicide.
I did all I could
I asked and you denied
I verbalized and you said it was an illusion
Well how about a disappearing act
Where I will hear the applause of my consistent companions depression and anxiety and all the boys and girls who mocked me and even you who kept going even though I said no
You took my worth by the roots and planted deception in its place and deception became truth because worth had already withered away
I am standing in a room and I cannot find the floor
It is a mess but I am used to it
This is how I was raised
Drowning in the sorrow and it's comfortable.



But you'd miss the colors wouldn't you?
The green of the grass
The blue of the water
The pink of bubblegum
The red of roses
You'd miss the sunsets wouldn't you?
For every time you went on a walk at dusk and said "this can't be the last one I see"
And you'd miss the future wouldn't you even though it seems incredibly dim right now and the pointlessness is the point to a pen of grief with which you'd scratch out every what if and possibility
But the pens not in your hand
And the right king can put Humpty Dumpty back together again
Your life doesn't always have to be held together by a safety pin
It will take time but there is always the option of a needle and thread
So once more will you extend you hand if I told you that hope is willing to reach back
And it has scars just like you
Misunderstood
Rejected
Abandoned
And bullied too
Hope isn't ashamed to associate with you it
It's favorite sound is your voice
So you have a choice  
Will you let the reasons win or will you let hope in?
You can still be a home
You have a garden inside you but you now have a gardener that knows how to let worth grow
And it's only renovation plan is to evict the
Unwanted
Unneeded
Unloved
Unimportant
Identity you've been
Living in
Because you may be on a first name basis with depression and anxiety but they are not your friends
Because they never fed you love they made you overweight with lies instead
But hope has a scarlet thread and it knit a sweater for your heart because it is fragile and hope never wants to tear it apart and I promise you that redemptive love says you're enough
And it washes over you like the euphoria of a kid going to Disney for the first time
Acceptance without alteration
Kindness overthrows isolation
You are so much more than the stress that got to you, that's why Hope died on a cross, to say I love you.
I am standing in a room
It's a mess that's im used to
But I'm finally uncomfortable
I'm willing to risk starting again
I'm on a first name basis with Jesus
And as he clears it all away
The weight of freedom falls
My sadness doesn't own me anymore
I can finally see the floor.

There is a veil between your touch
and
my body.
You're there.
Here.
Present.
But, so is the veil that now divides
your touch
from
my skin.

It's not genuine.
You think it is but you are blind. 

The veil.
Can you see it?
I think of all of the ways that you tried your hand 
at pulling it down.
but
We're disconnected.
On two different pages and yet you felt we were singing the same song,
         We weren't.

Can you hear me?
The veil,
it's in the way.
Becoming a wall

And you could not hear me even if you listened. 
Numb to your touch
all stops in time.
Can you see this tear?
Is it that unclear?
Perhaps I have misunderstood.

The veil -
No, now
the wall is blocking you out 
You
cannot hear me and I should understand, right?
But the creator of this wall is none other than yourself.
A product of your power and my fear.
Yet
I do not want to upset you.
        You've upset me. 
So, run
away
like a mouse in the dead of night.
        Run,
because I can't.